Well here I am, I've come to the point where I don't know if I believe in the things that make person a "bonafide" Christian or even if I believe in God as we present Him in Christianity.
It isn't because the devil has gotten me or that I'm willfully sinning. It's because my thoughts and feelings and findings on all the things I've believed for most of my life point me in another direction. There are just some things that I cannot reconcile with no matter how hard I try.
I cannot reconcile with the fact that if I go to heaven I will be perfectly happy knowing my loved ones who are supposedly not saved for whatever reason are going to hell. I could never ever be happy with that ever.
I also am tired of feeling like God only loves the "good" parts of me. His love feels entirely conditional to me. I have a personality that is made out of both "good" and "bad" traits. I cater to the good traits more often than the "bad" ones like most people do. I do not feel that the God of the Bible loves me for who I am or even unconditionally. I have people in my life who love me with no terms and conditions.
I'm tired of feeling terrible about myself because of statements like "You are a sinner and deserve death" and "God ignores the prayers of those who sin".
God didn't need humanity. God didn't have to allow humanity to Fall and suffer. People do not have to suffer so immensely and unendingly to learn lessons or become kinder. People are not just awful little sin makers that ruin everything. There are so many horrible people out there but there are just as many good-hearted, kind, and beautiful people as well. So many sweet and kind people who will supposedly go to hell just because they aren't Christian. So many people who suffer needlessly for all of their days. I cannot reconcile that with the way God is presented in the Christian mindset.
I'm tired of living in a shadow, fearing hell, hating parts of myself that don't align with Christian values, and trusting the kind of God who repeatedly lets me and so many other people down while Christians on the sidelines are coming up with platitudes or blaming people for their own problems.
To put it plainly, the characteristics of God in the Bible do not make me feel safe and loved. God does not make me feel whole and loved. No matter how much I tried, it's never enough. Even relying on God only brought me further misery. Prayers fell on deaf ears or remained unanswered. Needs were not met. Trusting in the Lord did not work out.
Maybe I'll come back someday. Maybe after I find the truth I'm looking for or God proves me wrong then I'll come back. But for now, I'm stepping away. I cannot in good consciousness call myself Christian anymore. I know this will upset many people and some will say, "Well it's your own fault so you're going to hell." or will say "I'll pray for you". I bet even a few people will say "You're being sinful and arrogant and (insert angry judgement here)".
Say what you will, you have a right to do that. I remain open for God to show up and prove me wrong and demonstrate His love. It will take a miracle probably but if God truly loves me that much and wants me that badly, He'll show up.
It isn't because the devil has gotten me or that I'm willfully sinning. It's because my thoughts and feelings and findings on all the things I've believed for most of my life point me in another direction. There are just some things that I cannot reconcile with no matter how hard I try.
I cannot reconcile with the fact that if I go to heaven I will be perfectly happy knowing my loved ones who are supposedly not saved for whatever reason are going to hell. I could never ever be happy with that ever.
I also am tired of feeling like God only loves the "good" parts of me. His love feels entirely conditional to me. I have a personality that is made out of both "good" and "bad" traits. I cater to the good traits more often than the "bad" ones like most people do. I do not feel that the God of the Bible loves me for who I am or even unconditionally. I have people in my life who love me with no terms and conditions.
I'm tired of feeling terrible about myself because of statements like "You are a sinner and deserve death" and "God ignores the prayers of those who sin".
God didn't need humanity. God didn't have to allow humanity to Fall and suffer. People do not have to suffer so immensely and unendingly to learn lessons or become kinder. People are not just awful little sin makers that ruin everything. There are so many horrible people out there but there are just as many good-hearted, kind, and beautiful people as well. So many sweet and kind people who will supposedly go to hell just because they aren't Christian. So many people who suffer needlessly for all of their days. I cannot reconcile that with the way God is presented in the Christian mindset.
I'm tired of living in a shadow, fearing hell, hating parts of myself that don't align with Christian values, and trusting the kind of God who repeatedly lets me and so many other people down while Christians on the sidelines are coming up with platitudes or blaming people for their own problems.
To put it plainly, the characteristics of God in the Bible do not make me feel safe and loved. God does not make me feel whole and loved. No matter how much I tried, it's never enough. Even relying on God only brought me further misery. Prayers fell on deaf ears or remained unanswered. Needs were not met. Trusting in the Lord did not work out.
Maybe I'll come back someday. Maybe after I find the truth I'm looking for or God proves me wrong then I'll come back. But for now, I'm stepping away. I cannot in good consciousness call myself Christian anymore. I know this will upset many people and some will say, "Well it's your own fault so you're going to hell." or will say "I'll pray for you". I bet even a few people will say "You're being sinful and arrogant and (insert angry judgement here)".
Say what you will, you have a right to do that. I remain open for God to show up and prove me wrong and demonstrate His love. It will take a miracle probably but if God truly loves me that much and wants me that badly, He'll show up.
