Probably Worse Than The Prodigal Son

I honestly tried to leave God behind and just accept my fate in Hell. I honestly don't know why I keep coming back. At least the prodigal son didn't curse at his father or hate him.

I'm so broken and sick and tired. I know I have habits and behaviors that God says are sins but honestly, without them I'm just miserable all the time. I'm miserable anyway but I don't have any other way to cope. I'm stuck inside a body that doesn't work and that torments me on a daily basis. I can't even go to Church even if I wanted to because any loud noise (even someone singing) makes my ears worse for the rest of the day.

I've been through so much anguish and hardship in my life from the day I was born. I feel like I'm paying for the sins of my parents and their ancestors before them. My mother turned to God when she was in college and then more bad things happened to her so I guess she thought it was perfectly okay to sleep with a man she had no intention of marrying and then have a child with that man. Like was my being born with all these medical problems a sign that God was not happy with the decision she made. I was purely an accident. God doesn't make mistakes but people do. I'm starting to think that I'm being made to pay for other people's sins which in turn makes me sin trying to cope with it. All because I wasn't in God's original plans.

I also don't think I'm saved. I don't think I ever was saved. I was baptized when I was five but I don't think I understood it at the time. I was also confirmed at 12 but again, I don't think I was mentally mature enough to know what it meant outside of it being just a thing that every kid in the church was supposed to do at that age.

I honestly want to believe that God loves me very much and that He has more compassion on me than I know. I would absolutely love to believe that. But if I'm not saved then how could He possibly love me or have compassion for me?

I know we're supposed to give it all to Jesus. Let go and let God.

But I can't let go of the things I use (internet, writing, reading, tv shows, food, and acknowledging my sexuality and the sexuality of others) because it's all I have left. I've tried to let them go and let God do what He will and everything fell apart even further. I can't go out and do things like normal people. I can barely get through each day in one piece. All the good and non-sinful things that make life bearable for normal people have been taken away from me and I will never get the back.

I can't trust God to do good and amazing things for me because either He's unconcerned with them because salvation and worshiping Him is more important or because I'm not saved. I can't trust God because when I do everything falls apart and gets worse.

Sometimes I feel jealous because I see other people who are clearly saved reaping good things from God. They're all blessed from childhood to old age. They attend church, love God, and have never wanted for much of anything. Sure they've experienced normal life things like death of loved ones and sicknesses from time to time. But God hasn't let anything touch them that leaves a lasting mark either physically or mentally. Those people are very clearly saved and God shows them how much He loves them on a regular basis.

I'm also jealous of people who have had Jesus appear to them in dreams and tells them how much He loves them. God loved them so much that He sent those dreams to those people. How wonderful it is to have God Himself tell you that He loves you.

I don't think God loves me as much as He loves those He has very clearly saved.

This is just me rambling and nothing really makes any sense anymore. Each day is just me trying to get through it without focusing too much on how much I wish I were either never born or dead already. I try not to focus on my eternal fate because I'm not confident in it. I'm not confident that if Jesus saw me He'd welcome me in His presence.

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derpytia
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