RED!? Red always reminds me of teachers editing your errors... Quite apropriately i'm choosing to write in this colour then.
God told me 6 times to tell him that i love him in no unclear terms. I'm sure He had a good reason behind it, it's God after all. So i did.
How did that affect me? Well it opened up all the wounds of his rejection all over again and it got me rejected again. I was so angry about it yesterday... cried for 3 hours and then realised that crying, screaming, asking, wondering, fighting won't change it... i'll still love him.
I knew that he wouldn't want to be with me. I knew that i'll get hurt. I knew i had to do it still. And one would think that knowing all of this i would have handled it better, but i didn't.
I wasn't angry at him, because i can't be angry at someone for not loving me the way i want to be loved... I was angry at God for letting me go through this AGAIN.
I went to my friend, since i arranged with her the day before to visit (didn't know that things would turn out the way it did, obviously). And somehow, in my attempt to tell her what happened, i started crying (i tend to avoid crying infront of others), but couldn't stop (which started scaring me!!) She took her Bible and started reading verses... none of it really addressed my situation, but it did calm me down.. And in her attempt to calm down my questioning anger, she said: "You know when an arm breaks and heals, but incorrectly... Then you have to break it again to heal correctly... Maybe that's why you had to become aware of the love for him and the hurt...?"
I suppose it's the only thing that makes sense at the moment.
I don't think that i was ready for any kind of relationship with him again... And i don't understand why God wanted me to tell him that i love him, if i know that i can't hold the pieces together, but that is okay too.
My love did ask me if we would have to settle for second best then... I know that if i were to ever settle with anyone, it would be second best, but maybe second best is just another phrase to refer to someone that you get along with without the intensity of any emotions and therefore some form of acceptance, stability and peace...
I will miss him dearly, every day, as i have for the last year or so... Hoping that he will become the man that God has made him to be... And hoping that one day soon, i'll be able to accept it and smile, instead of breaking down in tears. I'm trusting God for this, anticipating the healing of my brokenness... just on the fact that i have given my everything to be obedient... the blessing should follow...
Shouldn't it??????
God told me 6 times to tell him that i love him in no unclear terms. I'm sure He had a good reason behind it, it's God after all. So i did.
How did that affect me? Well it opened up all the wounds of his rejection all over again and it got me rejected again. I was so angry about it yesterday... cried for 3 hours and then realised that crying, screaming, asking, wondering, fighting won't change it... i'll still love him.
I knew that he wouldn't want to be with me. I knew that i'll get hurt. I knew i had to do it still. And one would think that knowing all of this i would have handled it better, but i didn't.
I wasn't angry at him, because i can't be angry at someone for not loving me the way i want to be loved... I was angry at God for letting me go through this AGAIN.
I went to my friend, since i arranged with her the day before to visit (didn't know that things would turn out the way it did, obviously). And somehow, in my attempt to tell her what happened, i started crying (i tend to avoid crying infront of others), but couldn't stop (which started scaring me!!) She took her Bible and started reading verses... none of it really addressed my situation, but it did calm me down.. And in her attempt to calm down my questioning anger, she said: "You know when an arm breaks and heals, but incorrectly... Then you have to break it again to heal correctly... Maybe that's why you had to become aware of the love for him and the hurt...?"
I suppose it's the only thing that makes sense at the moment.
I don't think that i was ready for any kind of relationship with him again... And i don't understand why God wanted me to tell him that i love him, if i know that i can't hold the pieces together, but that is okay too.
My love did ask me if we would have to settle for second best then... I know that if i were to ever settle with anyone, it would be second best, but maybe second best is just another phrase to refer to someone that you get along with without the intensity of any emotions and therefore some form of acceptance, stability and peace...
I will miss him dearly, every day, as i have for the last year or so... Hoping that he will become the man that God has made him to be... And hoping that one day soon, i'll be able to accept it and smile, instead of breaking down in tears. I'm trusting God for this, anticipating the healing of my brokenness... just on the fact that i have given my everything to be obedient... the blessing should follow...
Shouldn't it??????
