I went to have lunch with my friend Lee... she's precious. In the mood i found myself in, i didn't really feel like going, thinking that i might not be good company... Fortunately her joy actually lifted my spirit!!
She was telling me how she experienced me this year, and together with the flattering parts, i was shocked to hear what i've been through...hehehe! Stange how others can experience your life (not knowing about the pain you block out i guess!)
Generally i felt better, hearing how much i need this time to be alone and in God's presence, just to refill myself, without a big mission for a change. Not trying to help others or getting the world saved... (I actually didn't realise that it seemed that way, but i do know that it's the behind what i do in life.)
PJ... I wish i could put him in a freezer, just until i've dealt with the excruciating pain and betrayal i have to process. I really can't afford to be in love now... Yes, i know it sounds silly, but what is the use of being in love and still carrying the pain into it!? Feeling hurt here and taking it out there. As much as i'd love to believe that i'm a static being who can detach from one situation's emotions and connect to another, i've noticed that i can't... If i'm sitting with insecurity and distrust issues from betrayal in one situation, it's hard to not let it overflow to the one who doesn't deserve to be treated with distrust.
Who knows what the future holds in anyway? If we could find each other after 13 years, i'm sure that we'll find each other again if we should. (Once again making it less than what my heart really feels...) I don't want to let go... it just feels like i have to for now.
The point my friend made, is that i do need this time to get a spiritual refill... To get rid of the junk that accumulated in my system, to mourn the friendship that's lost and ultimate death thereof, even though i will be seeing the embodiment of that which used to be called my best friend... my main spiritual project...
To forgive. To release. To be able to look the world in the eyes, without bitterness taking root in my heart, without resentment boiling in my gut every time i have to face them walking past me in the office... Without whispering hateful comebacks when someone says something nice about him. Without dizzying nausea stirring inside with the mere thought of how far reaching the situation is.
To trust my God, to get me through this.
And if it's in His will and if His mercy allows, to love PJ fully, without the yuck that pollutes my body and mind. To focus on His will, without running ahead of myself.................
She was telling me how she experienced me this year, and together with the flattering parts, i was shocked to hear what i've been through...hehehe! Stange how others can experience your life (not knowing about the pain you block out i guess!)
Generally i felt better, hearing how much i need this time to be alone and in God's presence, just to refill myself, without a big mission for a change. Not trying to help others or getting the world saved... (I actually didn't realise that it seemed that way, but i do know that it's the behind what i do in life.)
PJ... I wish i could put him in a freezer, just until i've dealt with the excruciating pain and betrayal i have to process. I really can't afford to be in love now... Yes, i know it sounds silly, but what is the use of being in love and still carrying the pain into it!? Feeling hurt here and taking it out there. As much as i'd love to believe that i'm a static being who can detach from one situation's emotions and connect to another, i've noticed that i can't... If i'm sitting with insecurity and distrust issues from betrayal in one situation, it's hard to not let it overflow to the one who doesn't deserve to be treated with distrust.
Who knows what the future holds in anyway? If we could find each other after 13 years, i'm sure that we'll find each other again if we should. (Once again making it less than what my heart really feels...) I don't want to let go... it just feels like i have to for now.
The point my friend made, is that i do need this time to get a spiritual refill... To get rid of the junk that accumulated in my system, to mourn the friendship that's lost and ultimate death thereof, even though i will be seeing the embodiment of that which used to be called my best friend... my main spiritual project...
To forgive. To release. To be able to look the world in the eyes, without bitterness taking root in my heart, without resentment boiling in my gut every time i have to face them walking past me in the office... Without whispering hateful comebacks when someone says something nice about him. Without dizzying nausea stirring inside with the mere thought of how far reaching the situation is.
To trust my God, to get me through this.
And if it's in His will and if His mercy allows, to love PJ fully, without the yuck that pollutes my body and mind. To focus on His will, without running ahead of myself.................
