Youth pastor explained that parent of other kid complained about my daughter picking on there kid. need you counsel

[KirkPsalm]

The youth pastor, on Father's day morning immediately after the service explained to Me, her mother and my daughter that she was playing too rough with a couple of brothers. That their parents had gotten with him a month ago to observe them to see if it was in fact happening i presume. We had just been on a river float, church function the Monday/Teusday before. In the time between that trip and Sunday their parents explained that on the trip she played too rough with them on the bus ride down there. So much in fact that they may not go to summer camp. I was on that bus ride and never perceived a problem. I would also add that, that does not make me think there's nothing to the claims. The boys parent were not present on the trip.
Our church is small and my is the only girl her age, 12. And one of the brothers is about the only person her age. We ( us and them) are part of the same home school play group. Over the last couple months ive noticed their mom distancing or avoiding me a little, not showing up for park play day, not very chatty when we are at church.
So much i was beginning to think maybe i had offended her is some kind of way but i now assume it the issue with the kids.\
My Problem!!!
1: The parents never got with me or my wife explaining the issue.
2: They explained the problem with her youth pastor and without listening to anything from my daughter or talking to me explained that she had a problem and that an apology would probably be appropriate without ever asking her about it. They let this alleged activity go on for 2 months with out raising a flag or talking to any of us about it! It's like my daughter was on a watch list at her church.
3: their problem with my child had a direct impact on the relationship between their whole family and mine.
4: There has been no evidence detected by our youth pastor until they complained

I am shocked at myself at how angry i am but i am remaining cool on the outside and will continue. When we started going to church there i almost decided not to join there because i did not think there would be many relationships for my daughter and now it seems there will be strain. And she may be utterly alone in her demographic.
I have explained to her that she should offer a sincere apology for anything she had done to intimidate the 2 boys. She did explain that the boys too had messed her too.

I am very angry and i need your prayers. I cannot understand why my Christian brothers and sisters cannot come to me and say something. Is fear the end of our faith! No! I do love them and her youth pastor but how do i trust them now.

For the record my daughter does owe them an apology and she is a good kid, imperfect but, a good kid.
It amazes me sometimes what people who claim to be my brethren won't tell me.
Please pray for me, maybe I'm too angry but i think i have a right to be. Tell me like it is folks

 

[Mark Quayle]

Am I understanding you right, or did you get specific examples of what she did?

If not, I would meet with the pastor, with the other couple, and try to figure out what their complaint really is, and then meet again with the pastor, the couple, with the children present. Make sure the children do not speak unless asked to speak.

 

[StillGods]

maybe not but maybe you're intimidating to them in some way? so they havent felt like they could talk to you but they probably should have just talked to you and your wife first. sorry this is happening.
I'm not a parent so I dont know how to deal with such situations. it was just the first thought that came to me but i might be way off so take what i say with a grain of salt.

prayers that things work out really well for all of you.

 

[KirkPsalm]

Well, I had my daughter apologize for anything she might have done that hurt their feeling or she'd played to rough. I decided not to say to there folks. Now they're great. Acting like nothing happened. I'm still disappointed but I'll be fine. I also explained to my daughter to be sincere in her apology but not to burst into tears or grovel because I didn't see the need for a "big " apology. I consider it all water underthe bridge.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

Communication is always very stop-start just when we need it to be fluent. In case the boys "mess" her you can show her that you see her as your equal in faith, and that prayer which you can raise up is a help to all, she can consider asking you for advice and to join her in prayer, as well as anything else she may think of doing or need to do on the spot. Youth leaders do need to be forward in being supportive impartially, rather than assume no child needs any.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

- get acquaintances who are distant from the situation to pray for your youth worker and the youth worker's superiors in the parish to be alert, insightful and tactful

- the same or similar people to pray for your daughter's protection and the other family's safe and healthy maturing

 

[anetazo]

I still don't know all the facts. Communication is the key. I advise, pray to God and seek His counsel. King David lot of times left God out the equation, and problems came. God can change hearts and minds. Jesus can resolve problems.
I would also weigh the factor. Is this church teaching sound doctrine. Is it nourishing the flocks. If the conclusion isn't favorable. I would find another chapel or church.
Proverbs 23;13. With hold not correction from the child: for if thou beat him with rod, he shall not die. 23;14. Shall deliver his soul from hell. The wicked and spirtualty dead go to sheol, called hell. It's holding place for the spirtualty dead or wicked.
Discipline is the key. Many parents have failed their children. Many young people are on wrong path to hell. Thier outside Gods sanctuary. Communication and discipline. Peace.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Go to another church with a larger youth group. In the fulture tell your daughter to go to the youth leaders when someone is messing with her. It sounds like the boys are sissies, who start a problem, then complain to their mother.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

... the boys are sissies, who start a problem, then complain to their mother.

And are too old to not know what used to be called courtesy with girls.

Their parents are a deadly hazard.

The "youth leader" who presumably has codependency issues himself, clearly like the boys' parents gets a "frisson" from allowing this to carry on. And probably the vicar / pastor is codependent? Much religion is codependent? Since the materialist moralisers of 1983 on, boys are supposed to pick on others (other boys = a variation)?

 

[bèlla]

In all fairness, people will take liberties with one another they'd never take with a pastor. There's usually an air of respect. When it comes to children you don't know how your words will land. No matter the care. Some people take it personal and it's wise to have a mediator if you're in a setting where continuance is likely. If it was an isolated incident and you wouldn't see them again that's another story. But you see them at church and a homeschool play group. Maintaining the peace is a bigger priority.

When things have calmed I'd sit down with coffee to talk and establish ground rules you all agree with. No two parent the same. And what's tolerable to one is unacceptable to the next. That will prevent future mishaps and establish common ground. You may want to consider enrolling your daughter in a class to widen her social group.

~bella