Would you date someone that doesn't find you attractive?

[Tamara224]

I find that amusing as well. I think people that say that physical attraction doesn't/shouldn't matter are just kidding themselves. It also may be a way to make themselves feel better or feel superior to us "shallow" folks.

Or, maybe it really is true for them and it doesn't have anything to do with what everyone else does or thinks.

Maybe it would be nice if they were given the benefit of the doubt instead of being judged...

 

[leothelioness]

Or, maybe it really is true for them and it doesn't have anything to do with what everyone else does or thinks.

Maybe it would be nice if they were given the benefit of the doubt instead of being judged...

I have found that those who truly feel that looks do not matter are in the extreme minority. Most people, however, do focus on looks to an extent. I also think those of us to whom looks do matter should also be given the benefit of the doubt without being judged as "shallow" by the nay sayers.

 

[Trashionista]

Or, maybe it really is true for them and it doesn't have anything to do with what everyone else does or thinks.

Maybe it would be nice if they were given the benefit of the doubt instead of being judged...

Not to sound crude, but I'd be curious to know if any of the posters here who said "Yknow, my spouse should ACCEPT me even if I become physically ugly, and was physically ugly to them when we met. By the way, I don't look at other people's looks at all. It's so Un-Christian! Bathe in my virtuosity!" would be gungho to have sex with someone who they knew found them physically ugly. Masochistic, no?

That still doesn't mean everyone would should go after 10s, or that we all should find the exact same people to be 10s. Nor does it suggest Jack Black should've had more luck with Sports Illustrated models in Shallow Hal. But this idea of going out with someone we find physically unnattractive - and I'm not talking about someone with a trigger for Francophones and chain-smokers choosing someone conventionally less attractive like Serge Gainsbourg over say, Taylor Lautner - or repulsive seems like a complete waste of time.

I don't think the point people who say 'Looks and Sexual Attraction Matter' were making was that only the Liz Taylor's of the world should be allowed to get married or be pursued; but that looks play a role in attraction; and that holding out for someone one is sexually attracted too - even if the rest of the planet thinks they've beaten by the Ugly Stick - is not nessecarily a bad thing. It's just called having standards.

Again, I can't understand settling. To put it in the most basic and banal of terms, I can't understand having sex with someone I'm unnattracted too; nor can I understand getting into a relationship whom I know thinks I am beneath them in looks, prestige, or whatever the case maybe.

Some of us maybe shallow, but I'd rather be shallow and holding out over settling for second best.

 

[Tamara224]

Not to sound crude, but I'd be curious to know if any of the posters here who said "Yknow, my spouse should ACCEPT me even if I become physically ugly, and was physically ugly to them when we met. By the way, I don't look at other people's looks at all. It's so Un-Christian! Bathe in my virtuosity!" would be gungho to have sex with someone who they knew found them physically ugly. Masochistic, no?

Um... can we not do that? The whole adding words to what people have said to paint them in a bad light thing? It isn't conducive to a mature and friendly discussion.

You don't want them to call you shallow - so try to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Okay?

That still doesn't mean everyone would should go after 10s, or that we all should find the exact same people to be 10s. Nor does it suggest Jack Black should've had more luck with Sports Illustrated models in Shallow Hal. But this idea of going out with someone we find physically unnattractive - and I'm not talking about someone with a trigger for Francophones and chain-smokers choosing someone conventionally less attractive like Serge Gainsbourg over say, Taylor Lautner - or repulsive seems like a complete waste of time.

First, I have no idea who those people are. And I don't feel like googling them. Not everyone on this board is a pop-culture know it all. But I think I get what you're saying and probably agree.

I don't think the point people who say 'Looks and Sexual Attraction Matter' were making was that only the Liz Taylor's of the world should be allowed to get married or be pursued; but that looks play a role in attraction; and that holding out for someone one is sexually attracted too - even if the rest of the planet thinks they've beaten by the Ugly Stick - is not nessecarily a bad thing. It's just called having standards.

Good. I don't think anyone has said that anyone has said that. (And no, that sentence does not contain a typo).

I think that what some people have said is that they believe sexual attraction can be based on non-physical attraction and is for them. So while I may not find Joe Bob to be all that attractive physically, I may still have a desire for him because of the attraction to his personality.

I'm not saying that I think it's all that common, nor am I saying that it is for everyone... just that it does happen.

So if someone answers the question in the OP with a "yes" there's no real reason to believe that person is fooling him/herself or just trying to appear super-virtuous.

Again, I can't understand settling. To put it in the most basic and banal of terms, I can't understand having sex with someone I'm unnattracted too; nor can I understand getting into a relationship whom I know thinks I am beneath them in looks, prestige, or whatever the case maybe.

Some of us maybe shallow, but I'd rather be shallow and holding out over settling for second best.

I don't believe anyone has tried to tell you that you must do anything differently.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

no

 

[Trashionista]

Um... can we not do that? The whole adding words to what people have said to paint them in a bad light thing? It isn't conducive to a mature and friendly discussion.

They were such comments on page 1. Maybe it was a little bit of sarcasm, but the jist of it is all there.

You don't want them to call you shallow - so try to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Okay?

Grave error; I actually referred to myself as shallow on the first page of this thread. I think I'm also made it abundantly clear that I love the super-skinny chicks and am all over Vogue putting waifs on their covers. In addition, I clearly have an enduring girlcrush on Elizabeth Taylor. I like looking at attractive people; I wouldn't base a friendship on how sexually attractive* the other person is; but the pursuit of a relationship? Partially.

Honestly, my feelings aren't hurt when one calls me shallow.

However, I do - like some of the posters here - believe comments about 'I'm not looking for someone I'm sexually attracted to and I don't expect my spouse to find me sexually appealing...' to be utter poppycock at best, and borderline masochistic at worst.

First, I have no idea who those people are. And I don't feel like googling them. Not everyone on this board is a pop-culture know it all.

I don't think it's out of line to expect the average person to have an idea of who Serge Gainsbourg is, nor do I think knowing who he is makes one a master at Trivial Pursuit or a 'pop-culture know-it-all.' But, moving on.

Good. I don't think anyone has said that anyone has said that. (And no, that sentence does not contain a typo).

Mine did though, a fact of which I'm embarrased about.

I think that what some people have said is that they believe sexual attraction can be based on non-physical attraction and is for them. So while I may not find Joe Bob to be all that attractive physically, I may still have a desire for him because of the attraction to his personality.

I'm not saying that I think it's all that common, nor am I saying that it is for everyone... just that it does happen.

I don't disagree with either point.

So if someone answers the question in the OP with a "yes" there's no real reason to believe that person is fooling him/herself or just trying to appear super-virtuous.

I don't see what saying 'I'm don't notice looks' proves other than one is a) perhaps lying to themselves or b) very virtuous, in which case, congrats. But one pretending that they don't notice when someone physically attractive passes by seems again, like utter poppycock. I'm thrilled again if they don't steal a second glance, but I think most find this situation highly unlikely.

*assuming sex appeal is based 50% on what one has got, and 50% what everyone else thinks you've got.

 

[Tamara224]

However, I do - like some of the posters here - believe comments about 'I'm not looking for someone I'm sexually attracted to and I don't expect my spouse to find me sexually appealing...' to be utter poppycock at best, and borderline masochistic at worst.

Okay. If you can't accept that not everyone is exactly like you and at least try to see and respect a different POV - or at least refrain from judging anyone who disagrees with you - then there's no sense discussing it with you.

The only reason I joined this thread was to say that I think it's uncalled for to be so judgmental.

I've said it. Those with ears to hear will hear. I'm unsubscribing now lest I get drug into a condescension competition.

Enjoy.

 

[leothelioness]

To no one in particular, I just find the idea of looks being of zero importance to someone very hard to believe. Unless of course you happen to be blind, literally.

 

[leothelioness]

Okay. If you can't accept that not everyone is exactly like you and at least try to see and respect a different POV - or at least refrain from judging anyone who disagrees with you - then there's no sense discussing it with you.

The only reason I joined this thread was to say that I think it's uncalled for to be so judgmental.

I've said it. Those with ears to hear will hear. I'm unsubscribing now lest I get drug into a condescension competition.

Enjoy.

Um...I don't see where she was judging anyone. She was just stating her opinion on the matter.

FTR, none of us here are "judging" anyone. We just simply disagree and in some cases call bull poop where we see it.

 

[Trashionista]

Okay. If you can't accept that not everyone is exactly like you and at least try to see and respect a different POV - or at least refrain from judging anyone who disagrees with you - then there's no sense discussing it with you.

I believe I said 'Congrats' those who claimed as such. I did say I find it highly unlikely, though. I don't see how it's any more judgemental to make such a statement than to say it's not very Christian like or being like Jesus to notice the physical attractiveness of another person.

Anyways, I'm lazy so I'll just say leothelioness' posts above mine sum my feelings up pretty well.

 

[Tamara224]

Um...I don't see where she was judging anyone. She was just stating her opinion on the matter.

FTR, none of us here are "judging" anyone. We just simply disagree and in some cases call bull poop where we see it.

1) You should edit that before you get in trouble for bypassing the profanity filter.

2) Calling people self-righteous is judging them. Saying that the only reason they say they don't see looks is because they want to appear "super virtuous" is essentially calling them self-righteous.

3) Calling people "masochistic" is judging them - and probably flaming them too.

4) There's a lot of different lifestyles that I don't understand - that doesn't give me the right to go around calling their POV "poppycock" and bull poop.

I think that's explanation enough. Now, I really am bowing out of this discussion. Good night.

 

[Trashionista]

3) Calling people "masochistic" is judging them - and probably flaming them too.

Please re-read what I actually wrote. I made a point that I would pose the question to the less-shallow than myself posters on here if they would be gungho to have sex with someone they knew found them physically unattractive. I do think it's masochistic for one to get into a relationship with a person who finds them repulsive; hold out for the one who think you're the bees knees.

4) There's a lot of different lifestyles that I don't understand - that doesn't give me the right to go around calling their POV "poppycock" and bull poop.

I didn't refer to any lifestyles as poppycock. I did call poppycock on the notion that human beings - no matter how full of Jesus' love or the Good News or what have you - don't notice looks, though. Not everyone will be swayed by looks; but the idea that one doesn't notice? Again, highly unlikely, IMO.

 

[leothelioness]

1) You should edit that before you get in trouble for bypassing the profanity filter.

Thanks. I did.

2) Calling people self-righteous is judging them. Saying that the only reason they say they don't see looks is because they want to appear "super virtuous" is essentially calling them self-righteous.

3) Calling people "masochistic" is judging them - and probably flaming them too.

4) There's a lot of different lifestyles that I don't understand - that doesn't give me the right to go around calling their POV "poppycock" and bull poop.

I think that's explanation enough. Now, I really am bowing out of this discussion. Good night.

And likewise, I think that calling people "shallow" because looks matter to them to also be judgemental. The pendulum swings both ways.

 

[Fremdin]

No, I would want him to at least think I was cute. Or else I would fear losing him constantly. Being with someone if you're not confidence in your appearance is really hard. If you feel that they're slumming it makes things very difficult, I think. It does for me at least. I always feel like he's going to find someone else. He's too good for me. He'll leave me for someone prettier.

 

[ido]

The thing I find interesting is the idea that just b/c we find (or want to find) a potential mate physically attractive somehow translates to expecting to only date someone who has a perfect physique.

I was definitely physically attracted to DH when I first met him - skinny legs and all. He is hardly the definition of physical perfection and neither am I (popping out a couple of kids took care of any chance of that. ). But, we both find each other attrractive and it drove us to want to get to know more about each other.

It was all the other stuff that weighs more importantly on who we choose as a life mate that actually made us fall in love with each other - but the physical attraction opened the door for that.

 

[ceh85]

No. I want to be attracted to my spouse and I wouldn't be happy if he weren't attracted to me. I'd lose my confidence and I'd feel like he was settling.

I agree with what Xavia said:

You could fall in love with their voice and know whatever they look like it was their voice that drew you in, you could fall in love with their dancing, their passions, the way they answer questions, their little quirks and ways. It isn't necessarily about finding the other person the most physically attractive person in the world, it's about finding them the most wholly attractive person in your world. You can acknowledge others are prettier, smarter, kinder, whatever, but in your heart you know that given the choice you'd always take your partner when it comes to meaningful relationships. If that makes any sense? It does not have to be something physical that attracts you to them but that attraction has to be enough to differentiate it from being a close friendship to being something more.

 

[ido]

Agreed. Xavia said it very well.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Never in a million years!

 

[NoMoreTearsWithJesus]

never, if he isnt attracted then he wont try his best to make me happy.

 

[Niels]

I don't believe in love at first sight... so I might, within reason. If enough interest is there, then I don't see what would be wrong with going out with her. Unless she finds me repulsive, which is different than the neutral state of not having romantic feelings toward somebody, it wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker.

Would I *marry* somebody who doesn't find me attractive? Of course not, but attraction can increase as people grow closer.