Would you date someone that doesn't find you attractive?

[johnbateman]

I try never to judge people based on looks, same goes for dating. Personality and devotion to God are number one for me.

 

[Stravinsk]

Let's reverse the question a bit.... we talk about looking past attraction and giving everyone a chance. So, the question is, would you really want to date someone that does not find you attractive? Would you date someone that thinks you are not good looking, but is trying to be nice and just give you a chance?

Coach

No, I would not date someone who's primary reason was to exercise charity in the wake of revulsion.

I've never had this problem generally because I usually wait for the female to give some subtle signal before I "initiate" things. Heh - if she can't even make extended eye contact then I wouldn't bother.

That said - I was not all that attracted to the person I chose to marry on initial meeting. But I had gotten to know her a few years before that meeting even happened. I'm not at all sorry - but I wouldn't do it again, for reasons that have nothing to do with mere looks. This thread is a spin-off of the "weight" thread - and I don't consider weight a "looks" issue, but a lifestyle and very potential health issue.

 

[Obzocky]

I know a few women who go out with men they have no physical attraction to on the basis that this poor individual is a nice boy who treats her right and completely different to her ex she happens to of dumped rather recently. Most of the time 3 months in and they're both unhappy; the girl because she doesn't find him attractive but doesn't want to hurt his feelings and the boy because he knows she doesn't find him attractive but kids himself into thinking she will grow to be as fond of his outter self as she is of his inner self.

Unless it's an individual who has been pressured into it by the "but you two are such good friends, you'd be perfect together!" crowd I struggle to understand why anyone would date an average individual they did not find in some way attractive. Attraction can grow from friendship, you find things about the other person you adore and they gradually override the characteristics you found unattractive initially, but there has to be something. I also assume they wouldn't go "Hi, fancy coming out on a date? By the way I don't really have the hots for you physically, but since your personality is so cool I thought we could roll with it and see if I can fake it until I do", if that was ever to work it would have to be friendship >> attraction >> relationship and then you'd have to think long and hard whether the attraction was genuine or just mistaking a good friendship for something more.


You could fall in love with their voice and know whatever they look like it was their voice that drew you in, you could fall in love with their dancing, their passions, the way they answer questions, their little quirks and ways. It isn't necessarily about finding the other person the most physically attractive person in the world, it's about finding them the most wholly attractive person in your world. You can acknowledge others are prettier, smarter, kinder, whatever, but in your heart you know that given the choice you'd always take your partner when it comes to meaningful relationships. If that makes any sense? It does not have to be something physical that attracts you to them but that attraction has to be enough to differentiate it from being a close friendship to being something more.


And answering the question;
No. I think the feeling when the realisation hit that the most attractive person in their world would never be me, no matter how hard they tried, would be a bit horrific.

 

[leothelioness]

No, but one should still make an effort to keep themselves 'with it' for their spouse. My parents are still married, my mom is nearly 60 but still keeps herself in shape, has a stylish (short) haircut, exercise, watches her size. She may not be the 30 year old woman my dad fell in love with, but she's not going to go dowdy because every 60 year old in town has.

I'm not trying to downplay that the Marla Maples-Donald Trump situation never happens, but this suggestion that once we Reach a Certain Age, we should all (willingly) go gray, wrinkly, and hairy - and still expect our spouses to find us sexually attractive - is insane Wrinkles are a fact of life, but a spouse will probably appreciate the effort of one not smoking, drinking too much in their youth, daily application of sunscreen, some AHAs and the use of whatever potion Lancome's offering.

It's also not to say that one should start trying to look like a Real Housewife from Orange County, but that one at 60, can choose to emulate Susan Sarandon or Tina Turner - I personally think both are still sexually appealing - rather than say, Abe Vigoda.

Great post.


As for the OP, no I would not date someone that found me unattractive. I think that would really do a number on my self-esteem. "You know, honey, you're really ugly, but you've got a great personality!" No thanks.

 

[leothelioness]

That said - I was not all that attracted to the person I chose to marry on initial meeting. But I had gotten to know her a few years before that meeting even happened. I'm not at all sorry - but I wouldn't do it again, for reasons that have nothing to do with mere looks.

This makes me sad. I would sincerely hope that I don't marry a man who would secretly feel this way about me. And express as much even after I was deceased.

 

[mina]

no, they have to find me somewhat attractive in the first place. and i them.

 

[GQ Chris]

No, but one should still make an effort to keep themselves 'with it' for their spouse. My parents are still married, my mom is nearly 60 but still keeps herself in shape, has a stylish (short) haircut, exercise, watches her size. She may not be the 30 year old woman my dad fell in love with, but she's not going to go dowdy because every 60 year old in town has.

I'm not trying to downplay that the Marla Maples-Donald Trump situation never happens, but this suggestion that once we Reach a Certain Age, we should all (willingly) go gray, wrinkly, and hairy - and still expect our spouses to find us sexually attractive - is insane Wrinkles are a fact of life, but a spouse will probably appreciate the effort of one not smoking, drinking too much in their youth, daily application of sunscreen, some AHAs and the use of whatever potion Lancome's offering.

It's also not to say that one should start trying to look like a Real Housewife from Orange County, but that one at 60, can choose to emulate Susan Sarandon or Tina Turner - I personally think both are still sexually appealing - rather than say, Abe Vigoda.

Agreed. I think that people should make an effort to maintain their physical fitness and appearance. I don't ever want to let myself go. Sure, I know that once I am way older I won't be that stud that can run a 5 minute mile and bust out 30 pull-ups, but I will sure as heck be the fittest guy for my age group. And not only that, but I believe that women should make that effort as well, especially since something like sexual desire is pretty important.

 

[GQ Chris]

Now I see this thread degenerating into opposing groups. The camp that believes love conquers all and physical appearance doesn't matter at all, and those that believe that physical appearance does somewhat matter and thereby being vilified for being "shallow" people for believing this, lol.

 

[Obzocky]

Now I see this thread degenerating into opposing groups. The camp that believes love conquers all and physical appearance doesn't matter at all, and those that believe that physical appearance does somewhat matter and thereby being vilified for being "shallow" people for believing this, lol.

Haha.

Shallow is a better descriptive for those who date based on monetary value as opposed to personal preferences based on physical attraction.

 

[Stravinsk]

This makes me sad. I would sincerely hope that I don't marry a man who would secretly feel this way about me. And express as much even after I was deceased.

The only thing that was un-attractive was the excess weight (and the food habits which caused it) - which, if taken everything into account - all the beautiful things about her - is considered "shallow" because it is considered in the light of these things. I didn't consider this an issue and looked past it, because she was attractive to me on so many other levels. But I won't be doing it again because I simply don't want to go through that again for diseases I believe are preventable through healthy living and diet.

 

[Tink]

I'm gonna go with no. I have dated someone I did not find attractive before, and I'll just say it wasn't the best decision I ever made.

 

[leothelioness]

The only thing that was un-attractive was the excess weight (and the food habits which caused it) - which, if taken everything into account - all the beautiful things about her - is considered "shallow" because it is considered in the light of these things. I didn't consider this an issue and looked past it, because she was attractive to me on so many other levels. But I won't be doing it again because I simply don't want to go through that again for diseases I believe are preventable through healthy living and diet.

Okay. I hope I didn't offend you or anything, but now that you've explained it, it makes sense.

 

[cmascio]

If someone isn't really into me I wouldn't date them. I want to be appreciated and cared for. The best relationships I had came from women who really really were into me and took the time to get to know and understand me. When someone is "unsure" about thier attraction to you, I wouldn't waste my time hoping they come around. There is someone out there who will really appreciate you, so my answer is NO. If I knew she was unattracted to me I would move on to someone that is attracted to me.

 

[Bitnd12]

Blind post.

Coach, wouldn't you feel like utter and complete crap if you were aware that the woman you were seeing was only "giving you a chance"? I would never date someone who wasn't attracted to me. 'Cause 1. Way to boost the self esteem, right? and 2. physical and sexual intimacy is super important, no matter what the PC answer is. If one is not attracted to the other, there's not much of a point in trying to build a romantic relationship.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Let's reverse the question a bit.... we talk about looking past attraction and giving everyone a chance. So, the question is, would you really want to date someone that does not find you attractive? Would you date someone that thinks you are not good looking, but is trying to be nice and just give you a chance?

Coach

I think I'd be bothered by someone who thought I was ugly, but I'd never need to be the most attractive guy on earth to a propective SO.

 

[CoachR64]

The discussion here is great, but my question was basicly rhetorical in context of another thread. This was merely split off, I have no idea why, as it was simply taking a natural turn within the other thread.

I just simply find it funny that a lot of Christians say we should not look at the physical and such, yet would never date someone that wasn't attracted to them physically. To me, it merely proves that attraction is a major part in romantic relationships no matter how loud people scream that it isn't/

That is all.

Coach

 

[Schneiderman]

I don't think anyone doesn't find me attractive

 

[leothelioness]

The discussion here is great, but my question was basicly rhetorical in context of another thread. This was merely split off, I have no idea why, as it was simply taking a natural turn within the other thread.

I just simply find it funny that a lot of Christians say we should not look at the physical and such, yet would never date someone that wasn't attracted to them physically. To me, it merely proves that attraction is a major part in romantic relationships no matter how loud people scream that it isn't/

That is all.

Coach

I find that amusing as well. I think people that say that physical attraction doesn't/shouldn't matter are just kidding themselves. It also may be a way to make themselves feel better or feel superior to us "shallow" folks.

Clearly God created physical attraction, so I don't see why it should be villified. But some people just cannot grasp the fact that looks do play a part in human sexuality. It's just one component out of many.

 

[Sketcher]

Absolutely not.

 

[Apollo Celestio]

I don't know.