Would online cheating count as adultery?

[EmmaCat]

I'm praying for you!

I just don't know what to say; I'm not married yet, but God will hear my prayers.

All good things
Emmy

 

[Near]

He needs to learn the hard way apparently.

1 Cor 5:5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

I think pain, and agony will change things for the better. From what I know, only pain and agony, special graces from God, will straighten up the act of such a person.

I suggest, taking a hammer, and destroying the computer, tv, and radio. Get an audio-bible, and a stereo for it. Make your intention clear when doing this. This is like a dues ex machina move, and it's completely crazy, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Another thing, he doesn't seem smart enough to notice the cunning craftiness of the devil, and how he works on the heart. He nudges us into a certain direction, tells us to be happy for ourselves in some worldly way... and next things you know the man's mind is in the gutter due to a lack of diligence in being in God's word. He'll be off to all sorts of wickedness. He's too weak willed to be left to himself, and clearly needs help. At least, from what you've described, it's a pretty terrible situation.

Pain, and suffering. It will come one way or another. Let's just hope and pray its for the better, because the road from here on is one of suffering.

 

[kayfeather]

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Both are usually disappointed.

I'm not suggesting that you're to blame, but it seems that this should come as no surprise.

To answer your question, yes, it would qualify as adultery in a Biblical sense. If you are considering divorce, consider the consequences. Consider that, Biblically, divorced women should not remarry as it is another form of adultery. "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery"

I did not discover he had been doing this while we were together and into the early part of our marriage until I stumbled upon his AdultFriendFinder account after we had only been married for six months. I could easily see the account had been active for more years than we had been together, and since I have never personally participated on such sites, I never knew it existed until that point.

A lot has happened since I last commented on this thread. Yes, I am divorcing him and I've already seen a lawyer. His "issues" with me are things I have no control over and he refuses to come to some middle ground or even try to work on them. There are other non-sexual problems we have had that just keep getting worse and worse.

I have plans to discuss this with my priest, but if I understand where this thread is going, I am justified to divorce my husband, but I still commit adultery if I ever get married again, even though in this circumstance my divorce is Bibically justified?

 

[Armoured]

General rule of thumb, "if you have to ask yourself 'does this technically count as cheating?' it probably does."

Alternatively "If I found my spouse doing this, would I consider it cheating?"

 

[kayfeather]

Since you have children there is hope if you trust your husband to the Lord and pray. I dont know if you can feel you can talk to your MIL or FIL. But maybe you can warn them that the marriage may end if their son doesnt repent/clean up his act. What this means is, your children may not have that close relationship with their grandparents if such a step is taken. They may then talk to their son.

Does your husband ever indicate that he wants to leave the marriage? Do you still share a bed?

Since I last replied here, I have seen a lawyer and plan on filing for divorce. He has zero interest in working on our relationship anymore and he wasn't even all that upset when I told him I wanted to divorce. Since then he's already been on dating sites (not just adult 'play' sites) and created profiles. I left it up to him to tell my in-laws, since they are his parents, and while I don't know exactly what he told my MIL, she called me on the phone afterward and told me she refuses to take sides in this, and that she will do what she can to help me get back on my feet after this. She and I have always had a great relationship and I hope we continue to get along since my children are small and they do spend a lot of time with her.

 

[kayfeather]

... He's too weak willed to be left to himself, and clearly needs help. At least, from what you've described, it's a pretty terrible situation.

Pain, and suffering. It will come one way or another. Let's just hope and pray its for the better, because the road from here on is one of suffering.

I pray for him daily, multiple times a day, that he gets the help he needs. Despite our ending I want him to get well for the sake of our children. I don't think the reality of the situation has dawned on him yet, and probably won't until everything is final and I've moved out.

 

[Mudinyeri]

I did not discover he had been doing this while we were together and into the early part of our marriage until I stumbled upon his AdultFriendFinder account after we had only been married for six months. I could easily see the account had been active for more years than we had been together, and since I have never personally participated on such sites, I never knew it existed until that point.

A lot has happened since I last commented on this thread. Yes, I am divorcing him and I've already seen a lawyer. His "issues" with me are things I have no control over and he refuses to come to some middle ground or even try to work on them. There are other non-sexual problems we have had that just keep getting worse and worse.

I have plans to discuss this with my priest, but if I understand where this thread is going, I am justified to divorce my husband, but I still commit adultery if I ever get married again, even though in this circumstance my divorce is Bibically justified?

My apologies for assuming that you knew before you married him. I'm sorry it's come to this point and that he won't accept responsibility for his actions.

My understanding of divorce in the Bible is that there was only one legitimate reason (adultery) and even that left both parties in a position where future copulation (married or not) was also the sin of adultery. I think this Biblical position on marriage was intended to forewarn those intending to marry of how serious a commitment marriage was/is and how seriously God takes divorce.

 

[Near]

I have plans to discuss this with my priest, but if I understand where this thread is going, I am justified to divorce my husband, but I still commit adultery if I ever get married again, even though in this circumstance my divorce is Bibically justified?

Yes, I think that's accurate. You're clearly permitted to divorce, but it doesn't seem apparent that one is therefore permitted to marry another person. What if he gets saved sometime in the future?

I pray for him daily, multiple times a day, that he gets the help he needs. Despite our ending I want him to get well for the sake of our children. I don't think the reality of the situation has dawned on him yet, and probably won't until everything is final and I've moved out.

It seems that he's in a delusional state of mind. Does he even have faith in God?
I don't know if moving out will change things. I can picture that happening, and him just getting worse. I can also see him shooting himself in the head if he gets depressed.
You mentioned that the kids are small, so does he even care about them? Doesn't he know that sin tends to spread, and his vile behavior can fall into other areas of life. An adulterer is a terrible parent, and terrible example.
I don't mean to turn this into a theological debate, but does he believe that what he's doing could land him in hell?

 

[kayfeather]

My apologies for assuming that you knew before you married him. I'm sorry it's come to this point and that he won't accept responsibility for his actions.

No problem. I wasn't clear on that.

My understanding of divorce in the Bible is that there was only one legitimate reason (adultery) and even that left both parties in a position where future copulation (married or not) was also the sin of adultery. I think this Biblical position on marriage was intended to forewarn those intending to marry of how serious a commitment marriage was/is and how seriously God takes divorce.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I was not a Christian when I married him and I had no moral qualms about divorce before, so it wasn't something on my mind until recently. This was not a subject I started studying and praying about until recently. *sigh*

 

[FireDragon76]

One thing comes to mind... a relationship takes two people, it would be unfair to dump the blame on one person when a relationship goes bad without knowing a lot more about what is going on (and maybe we don't have a right to know that, but it's something to consider). Especially because it seems he's not completely happy with the relationship either, and that may be fuelling his behavior (or maybe not, I can't answer that). You mentioned trauma and that is something he was dissatisfied with- have you ever addressed that issue (did you seek therapy)? Did you ever ask if both of you could get involved in counselling together? I'm guessing you have but it's not completely clear.

I think the Christian thing to do is look for a way to forgive or be reconciled, if possible. If that's not possible then you just have to do what you are going to do anyways.

 

[kayfeather]

It seems that he's in a delusional state of mind. Does he even have faith in God?

At this point, I can't answer that question. I have never seen him pray at home, nor has he ever wanted to join me in my own prayers or in Bible study outside of church. He may have his own way of relating to God, but he has never shared it with me.

I don't know if moving out will change things. I can picture that happening, and him just getting worse. I can also see him shooting himself in the head if he gets depressed.
You mentioned that the kids are small, so does he even care about them? Doesn't he know that sin tends to spread, and his vile behavior can fall into other areas of life. An adulterer is a terrible parent, and terrible example.
I don't mean to turn this into a theological debate, but does he believe that what he's doing could land him in hell?

His only concern in this whole process is him being able to see the kids, but he agreed that I would have primary custody. He is in for a rude awakening though, because he has never been solely responsible for them for more than an eight hour stretch, and now we are talking about him getting visitation some weekends, for the whole weekend. He will be parenting more than he has ever parented before.

I'm not sure that sin is a concern of his, since he seems very motivated to meet new people already.

 

[kayfeather]

One thing comes to mind... a relationship takes two people, it would be unfair to dump the blame on one person when a relationship goes bad without knowing a lot more about what is going on (and maybe we don't have a right to know that, but it's something to consider). Especially because it seems he's not completely happy with the relationship either, and that may be fuelling his behavior (or maybe not, I can't answer that). You mentioned trauma and that is something he was dissatisfied with- have you ever addressed that issue (did you seek therapy)? Did you ever ask if both of you could get involved in counselling together? I'm guessing you have but it's not completely clear.

I agree, it does take two people. Here are some examples of things he has had a problem (with me) over the years:
* my refusal to get a boob job
* my belief that we should share in decision making when it comes to finances (he thinks he should have ultimate say because he is the only one who 'works')
* my injury from the birth of our son, which makes sex very painful sometimes
* my inability to keep the house near spotless with a toddler and a preschooler at home
* my desire to get us out of debt and build up savings, whereas he would rather spend the money because 'he deserves it'

We have tried marriage counseling and individual therapy. I feel therapy has helped me get to a better place, but I think his last therapist didn't help him at all.

 

[Goodbook]

Dont think about remarriage for now just concentrate on your relationship with God first. You have been through a lot. God can provide as he is Jehovah Jireh (the Lord who provides) and wont let you make the same mistake by being in bondage to an unbeliever.

 

[FireDragon76]

It sounds like the problems are deeper than just infidelity.

 

[kayfeather]

Thank you all for your input. I don't have any plans to dive into another relationship anytime soon. Yes, there are more problems on both our ends for sure.