Would online cheating count as adultery?

[kayfeather]

To make a long story short, for many years I have been dealing with my husband's sex addiction. He will spend hours and hours on the computer messaging other women for photos. I've also caught him on AdultFriendFinder, alt.com, among others. We would have a big fight, he would promise to get better and for a while things would, then he would slip back into old habits. I turned on parental controls on our router thinking that would thwart him, but oh no he found ways. He also told me he was going to find a therapist and start working on getting better, and he did for a while, but then stopped going.

Last week I happened upon an alternate email account of his that had messages to PROSTITUTES off craigslist. Like, how much? And, where? He swears he never followed through, and upon a close examination it isn't likely he did. He says it is all fantasy, and that in the 11 years we've been together he has never been with anyone else.

But, his heart is already there. His mind is there. He has made comments over the years about my body and how he wishes it were different. How he wishes I would do certain things with him that I find highly triggering because of a past assault. It doesn't seem to matter to him my reasons.

Would this be considered adultery? I mean, if we were in pre-internet days he would probably be feeding his addiction by messing around with another woman IRL...

 

[BrianJK]

I'm sorry you have to deal with a situation like that.

To make it brief, legally it would not, but from a Christian standpoint, Jesus did say:

Matthew 5:28 - NRSV - But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Does this meet that standard? I'd say probably.

 

[Goodbook]

Yes according to the Bible.

He must repent of this. I am sorry to hear this. I take it your husband is not a christian? Does he know the Lord?

 

[kayfeather]

Yes according to the Bible.

He must repent of this. I am sorry to hear this. I take it your husband is not a christian? Does he know the Lord?

Actually he does identify as Christian and has ever since we met. He has been doing this even before we met (his admission), and never stopped while we were dating, or when we got married. I actually converted to Christianity in 2014.

I pray for him, I've tried to change my own behavior even though come to find out I'm not the one triggering him. It's like, he's got this notion of what his sex life is supposed to be like and he just can't let it go, no matter if it means completely disrespecting me and ruining our marriage.

 

[Goodbook]

thats horrible.
Are your in-laws, his parents, are they christians as well? I suggest bringing the issue up with his mother. If you feel you can go to her. She's the only one apart from his dad that can tell him what to do. If he's not listening to God about this i.e stop defrauding you and being unfaithful in his heart. Do you have children?

1 Corinthians 7:1-5


Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband

1 Thessalonians 4:3-6


For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Mark 10:19

"You know the commandments, 'DO NOT MURDER, DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, DO NOT STEAL, DO NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, Do not defraud, HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.'"

Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

 

[tturt]

kayfeather, it's not your fault. They have such a strong fantasy of what women should be like that no real woman can't/doesn't measure up. I'm sorry that you're going through this. There are Christian organizations that can help him. Hopefully someone will post their names. Of course, we know Yahweh is our healer - for him, for you, for all of us.

 

[dhh712]

Would this be considered adultery? I mean, if we were in pre-internet days he would probably be feeding his addiction by messing around with another woman IRL...

As Jesus explained, if he is thinking lustful thoughts about other women, then he has committed adultery. Of course there is no way to determine that from my point of view, but to me it doesn't seem possible to be messing around with photos and prostitutes and not be having lustful thoughts about them.

Actually he does identify as Christian and has ever since we met. He has been doing this even before we met (his admission), and never stopped while we were dating, or when we got married. I actually converted to Christianity in 2014.

I'm a new convert too (in 2013). I'm sorry this is taking your place in your marriage and it is definitely not your fault. Is there a way for you to go to counseling together with your pastor? It seems it would be good to make a strong commitment to actively putting Christ into your relationship by things such as praying out loud together, reading bible verses and things like that. These strongholds can only be overthrown, ultimately by God of course, but much prayer and sticking close to God through all this can only be helpful.

 

[huk945]

Actually he does identify as Christian[

 

[huk945]

If 10 people tell you they are a Christian, 9 of them are using it as a default religion. What the REALLY MEAN is, I'm not a Muslim, Buddist, Chinese communist, hindu, wicca, scientoligist or Jedi Knight, "THEREFORE,ERGO"......."Voil'a, I must be a Christian. If a Christian man is Married, masturbation is adultery.

 

[ValleyGal]

This is such a hard struggle, not only for men, but increasingly for women as well. You have already extended much grace through the years by staying with him in spite of what certainly feels like adultery. What he is doing is sin. He is inviting third parties into your bedroom via polluting his mind and heart with this stuff. But like with any addiction, he likely has very little control over it. You could suggest programs like Celebrate Recovery or Freedom Session, but he has to be ready to do the hard work. If he is not ready, nothing will change. His mind must change to align with God's; he needs to determine in his own mind and heart that doing what he is doing is breaking God's heart. And this can happen only if he fully yields himself to the Spirit who can work in him for this purpose.

What you need to know is that this is not your fault. Your husband simply needs help - when he is ready. And I am sorry, but I must strongly oppose going to his parents/mother about this issue. He is a grown man who has left his parents home to cleave to a wife - although the cleaving is lacking. Talking to his parents would only serve to shame him and the Bible says do not repay evil for evil. Instead, since you have already spoken to him about this, it is time to go to a Christian friend, mentor, pastor, elder, or someone else - a man you can both trust, and tell him what the issue is and how it is affecting your marriage. This is the proper process (Matthew 18) for dealing with someone caught in a sin... and your husband is certainly caught up in this sin.

I am so sorry that this is such an issue, not only in your marriage, but also in the church as a whole. There is so much suffering attached to it... I'll pray for your marriage.

 

[kayfeather]

thats horrible.
Are your in-laws, his parents, are they christians as well? I suggest bringing the issue up with his mother. If you feel you can go to her. She's the only one apart from his dad that can tell him what to do. If he's not listening to God about this i.e stop defrauding you and being unfaithful in his heart. Do you have children?

My in-laws I would say are Christian-leaning agnostics, meaning my MIL will go to church occasionally but mostly does not. I never talked with them about this even though my MIL and I are pretty close and have a great relationship. All this blew up again, and he had even less regard for my feelings, and even tried to blame me for his need to "meet his needs elsewhere". After years of dealing with this I'm done. I can't stay with him while he continues to indulge in this behavior and doesn't see it as a problem.

We have two children, a four and one year old. I don't want their father as an example of how a husband should treat a wife. Although we've been very careful to not dredge up these issues while the children are around, it has created an increasingly toxic home environment I can't live with anymore.

I confided in our priest about this and he wants to talk to both of us together. I've already discussed with him at length my side of the story which has been helpful. I'm not sure what talking to us both together will accomplish at this point and I'm not sure if my husband will continue going to our church even though I've been very selective as far as who I've told about this.

 

[kayfeather]

kayfeather, it's not your fault. They have such a strong fantasy of what women should be like that no real woman can't/doesn't measure up. I'm sorry that you're going through this. There are Christian organizations that can help him. Hopefully someone will post their names. Of course, we know Yahweh is our healer - for him, for you, for all of us.

Thank you tturt. No matter what happens I still want him to find help for his addiction.

 

[kayfeather]

As Jesus explained, if he is thinking lustful thoughts about other women, then he has committed adultery. Of course there is no way to determine that from my point of view, but to me it doesn't seem possible to be messing around with photos and prostitutes and not be having lustful thoughts about them.

These are my thoughts, but being a new Christian I wasn't entirely sure.

I'm a new convert too (in 2013). I'm sorry this is taking your place in your marriage and it is definitely not your fault. Is there a way for you to go to counseling together with your pastor? It seems it would be good to make a strong commitment to actively putting Christ into your relationship by things such as praying out loud together, reading bible verses and things like that. These strongholds can only be overthrown, ultimately by God of course, but much prayer and sticking close to God through all this can only be helpful.

Oh he has never prayed with me outside of church. He just doesn't. I don't know what his personal prayer life is like, but I feel very alone in wanting us to say grace at meals, and have regular prayer times as a family. He has never, in our entire relationship, wanted me to pray with him at home. He was actually a bit antagonistic when I first decided to convert to Christianity, like how could I be totally sure by only visiting one church in town?

 

[kayfeather]

If 10 people tell you they are a Christian, 9 of them are using it as a default religion. What the REALLY MEAN is, I'm not a Muslim, Buddist, Chinese communist, hindu, wicca, scientoligist or Jedi Knight, "THEREFORE,ERGO"......."Voil'a, I must be a Christian. If a Christian man is Married, masturbation is adultery.

I'm kind of thinking this is his camp now. *sigh*

 

[kayfeather]

This is such a hard struggle, not only for men, but increasingly for women as well. You have already extended much grace through the years by staying with him in spite of what certainly feels like adultery. What he is doing is sin. He is inviting third parties into your bedroom via polluting his mind and heart with this stuff. But like with any addiction, he likely has very little control over it. You could suggest programs like Celebrate Recovery or Freedom Session, but he has to be ready to do the hard work. If he is not ready, nothing will change. His mind must change to align with God's; he needs to determine in his own mind and heart that doing what he is doing is breaking God's heart. And this can happen only if he fully yields himself to the Spirit who can work in him for this purpose.

What you need to know is that this is not your fault. Your husband simply needs help - when he is ready. And I am sorry, but I must strongly oppose going to his parents/mother about this issue. He is a grown man who has left his parents home to cleave to a wife - although the cleaving is lacking. Talking to his parents would only serve to shame him and the Bible says do not repay evil for evil. Instead, since you have already spoken to him about this, it is time to go to a Christian friend, mentor, pastor, elder, or someone else - a man you can both trust, and tell him what the issue is and how it is affecting your marriage. This is the proper process (Matthew 18) for dealing with someone caught in a sin... and your husband is certainly caught up in this sin.

I am so sorry that this is such an issue, not only in your marriage, but also in the church as a whole. There is so much suffering attached to it... I'll pray for your marriage.

Thank you ValleyGal. So far he still seems reluctant to get help, although he has booked an appointment with a new therapist. He went through AA many years ago, but instead of solving the addiction problem, he replaced alcohol with inappropriate content and virtual sex.

As I said in my reply to Goodbook, this has worn me down a lot over the years. I'm tired of fighting for him if this is what he will continue to do. He seems to have no interest in stopping. Divorce is now where this is heading, to which I consider an extreme last resort but if he has been repeatedly adulterous (IMO, yes he has and I feel that more strongly after discussing this here) I am Bibically justified to do so.

 

[huk945]

I am a recovered alcoholic. I've been sober many years and sponsor many many men in the fellowship of AA. I will state to you flat out categorically and with 100% certainty that there is no such thing as replacing one addiction for another. That is psychobabble nonsense that people use to justify their sin. Deep down inside he knows that. Personally I wouldn't put up with that nonsense for 30 seconds. Now you can talk about doctors and counseling all you want however what he really needs is to be held accountable by other Christian men. It sounds to me like it's time to for him to put on his big-boy underwear and repent to be held accountable to behave like a man

 

[dhh712]

As I said in my reply to Goodbook, this has worn me down a lot over the years. I'm tired of fighting for him if this is what he will continue to do. He seems to have no interest in stopping. Divorce is now where this is heading, to which I consider an extreme last resort but if he has been repeatedly adulterous (IMO, yes he has and I feel that more strongly after discussing this here) I am Bibically justified to do so.

You really are justified in doing so, if that is what you determine to do. Though I would never encourage it per say, however, God has provided this as a remedy for the victim because he knows how weak the flesh is. It takes a wonderful work of grace in the life of a believer for him or her to forgive their spouse in light of adultery (and continue with the marriage is what I mean by forgive); that is certainly not the case with many if not most Christians. I am newly married, but my husband and I have discussed before our marriage that if either one of us were to commit adultery, the offended party would get a divorce; we don't see ourselves as having the ability to continue with the marriage if that were to take place (yet, you never do know until you get in the situation).

 

[Sketcher]

Would this be considered adultery? I mean, if we were in pre-internet days he would probably be feeding his addiction by messing around with another woman IRL...

Or dialing sex lines.

As I said in my reply to Goodbook, this has worn me down a lot over the years. I'm tired of fighting for him if this is what he will continue to do. He seems to have no interest in stopping. Divorce is now where this is heading, to which I consider an extreme last resort but if he has been repeatedly adulterous (IMO, yes he has and I feel that more strongly after discussing this here) I am Bibically justified to do so.

Not to minimize your pain at all, but when Jesus gave us Matthew 5:27-28, I doubt that he wanted to expand the pretext for justifiable divorce. I believe he wanted to reduce divorces, based on what he said about divorce (Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:4-9). It makes the most sense to me to have mental fantasy be something to self-police (instead of having look-but-don't-touch be an acceptable standard for one's own behavior), while requiring an actual affair to justify divorce.

 

[Mudinyeri]

He has been doing this even before we met (his admission), and never stopped while we were dating, or when we got married.

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Both are usually disappointed.

I'm not suggesting that you're to blame, but it seems that this should come as no surprise.

To answer your question, yes, it would qualify as adultery in a Biblical sense. If you are considering divorce, consider the consequences. Consider that, Biblically, divorced women should not remarry as it is another form of adultery. "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and whoever marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery"

 

[Goodbook]

Since you have children there is hope if you trust your husband to the Lord and pray. I dont know if you can feel you can talk to your MIL or FIL. But maybe you can warn them that the marriage may end if their son doesnt repent/clean up his act. What this means is, your children may not have that close relationship with their grandparents if such a step is taken. They may then talk to their son.

Does your husband ever indicate that he wants to leave the marriage? Do you still share a bed?