Wife making insulting comments to others

[Andy81]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

 

[returntosender]

Maybe she doesn't know how to make conversation with others?
Can you tell her you won't go with her to events if she continues to put you down? Criticism usually is something a person does when they are unhappy with themselves.
Perhaps joining in when she puts you down, agreeing with her about how awful you are will shock her into what she is doing. Hopefully she will come to your aid in defense of you to counteract her claims.
The problem is people who know you both know that what she is saying isn't true and that only makes her look bad not you.

 

[Radagast]

Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.

You need to say that you're not going to take this kind of emotional abuse any more. There need to be consequences.

I would suggest that the next time it happens you move out of the house, and stay away until she changes her ways.

 

[Dave L]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

Stepford wives do not exist. Think about the positive and let the rest go.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Sounds to me as if a spell of zero contact would be a good idea. Go somewhere for a fortnight and don't ring, take calls, reply to messages or 'like' social media posts.

It sounds extreme but you NEED time to breathe. Neither of you are on the same page - I doubt you're even in the same book to be honest. Why? Don't know. Lockdown fatigue? Boredom? Who knows? This is why you need to withdraw and look introspectively.

 

[tturt]

Dont think moving out is a good idea. Since even her responses are repetitive, change the cycle. I've tried to explain how this makes me feel,, wonder why...? Since she states she's sorry and making a joke, encourage you to make sure you are affirming her wherever you are. If she says her usual, respond with how you view her outside this behavior. Or go see a Christian counselor even if she won't.

 

[Hammster]

Talk to your pastor.

 

[JohnDB]

Smack her upside the head and say " I'm sorry, I was only joking"
Then immediately do it again...

Then tell her that what she has been doing to you with her comments.

Not to mention that she is advertising to your friends that she is available for an affair.

Because that is exactly what those disparaging comments are about.

She needs a "come to Jesus" meeting.

BTW... seriously don't hit your wife... totally uncool. But you can explain it to her instead of actually hitting her. She will understand the concept.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

I was thinking along similar lines...

Yes the one good thing that has happened the internet has helped a lot of people with this kind of problem, You-tube especially. People could go decades struggling knowing something was off , but not able to put their finger on what the exact problem is.

 

[JohnDB]

Yes the one good thing that has happened the internet has helped a lot of people with this kind of problem, You-tube especially. People could go decades struggling knowing something was off , but not able to put their finger on what the exact problem is.

Yeah but the OP hasn't quite given us enough information yet for me to go that far yet. YMMV
Gotta remember that we are getting only one side of the story. It's going to be shaded with his viewpoints. Not that he doesn't have a legitimate complaint. He obviously does.

But we men tend to be slower at having emotions than women. Slower at recognizing personal issues. We recognize respect or a lack of it rather easily and quickly but the underlying reasons are usually a mystery.

 

[public hermit]

her upside the head and say " I'm sorry, I was only joking"
Then immediately do it again...

Abuse? That's your suggestion? If you're joking, it's not funny. If you're not, you should check yourself. Do you smack around your beloved?

Edit: I guess it was meant to be a joke. I reacted before I finished your post. Bad form, dude.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Yeah but the OP hasn't quite given us enough information yet for me to go that far yet. YMMV
Gotta remember that we are getting only one side of the story. It's going to be shaded with his viewpoints. Not that he doesn't have a legitimate complaint. He obviously does.

But we men tend to be slower at having emotions than women. Slower at recognizing personal issues. We recognize respect or a lack of it rather easily and quickly but the underlying reasons are usually a mystery.

Yes I do realize the "he said / she said" aspect of things.

 

[Victor in Christ]

be like Christ, talk to Christ, pray to him for the power of the Holy Spirit to comfort you both. Be dead to the world and all its sin. Take up the cross daily. You'll begin to become like a dead man to the world, you'll not respond or react even if your calm words don't turn away that wrath. The change in your life through Christ will produce a change in your wife, she'll see it. Patience is a virtue.

The slaying power in me display,
Let me die, let me die;
I must be dead from day to day,
Let me die, let me die;
Unto the world and its applause,
To all the customs, fashions, laws,
Of those who hate the humbling cross,
Let me die, let me die.

 

[public hermit]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

Counseling might be in order.

Just a thought: you give her a certain amount of power by your reaction to her comments. She knows you will react to her comments, which might feed her persistence. Assuming that's true, then there is a deeper issue going on.

It could be narcissism, as stated above. But, it could be that she is not experiencing the same rosey relationship that you are. It could be that her provocative is indicative of her trying to bring about something that she doesn't feel she is receiving otherwise. I don't know what that is, but it's worth a thought.

If it were me, I would give no indication that her comments bothered me. That immediately takes away her power over you in this case. That alone might open the door to some insight into the deeper issue. I would also take a more critical look at the relationship. Again, you paint a real nice picture. Maybe there are issues you are not acknowledging. It might all be her, but it could also be you. Are you being honest with yourself? Again, an objective third party might be invaluable to seeing blind spots.

 

[TexFire316]

I hear a lot of "me and I" in there. WHat caused the wife to change from the girl that you married? Because I didn't see that in the original post, unless I missed it. Or was she like that when you married her?
Regardless, you made a vow to God. He expects you to keep it.

 

[JohnDB]

Abuse? That's your suggestion? If you're joking, it's not funny. If you're not, you should check yourself. Do you smack around your beloved?

Edit: I guess it was meant to be a joke. I reacted before I finished your post. Bad form, dude.

Not a joke...just a shocking statement to gain equilibrium with what she is perpetrating.
That's the point...most guys don't have a "go to" of hitting spouses...that's a complete fabrication and lie you have been told. Most men aren't violent thugs nor wish to be viewed as such. He will be repulsed by the notion but understand the equivalency. Just as he is repulsed and appalled at his wife's behavior that he is married to and he loves.
As most men will be.

Abuse and belittling are about control and dominance. Real men don't want or need to behave in such a fashion... especially with loved ones. Men capable and willing to perform such abuse don't frequent forums seeking advice. That's totally outside their wheelhouse. I know it's early but get another cup of coffee and think...I know that you can.

 

[Redwingfan9]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

You've been married 10 years. This is who your wife is, it's unlikely to change. You can, however, control your reaction to it and I suggest ignoring her comments and changing the subject.

As for the comments themselves, some of us like to laugh at even the terrible things of life. Your wife may be one of them. I like to joke that my parents hated me growing up and offered me a curling iron as a bath toy. It's obviously not true (it was really a plugged in radio lol) but it does hit at the fact that I wasn't the favorite. So maybe she's telling you some underlying truth with her comments. Maybe you've let yourself go and she finds you less attractive, could be anything.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

Welcome ! Sorry to hear that your marriage is not quite what you think it is. Either she is lying when she claims she is kidding or this is her way of letting you know their are defincincies. There are two sides to every story. We are only hearing one and it paints a very perfect picture. Something is amiss. Best to get to the bottom of it in marriage counseling. If there is any hidden insecurities, it will be revealed. Be blessed.

 

[zoidar]

I’ve been married nearly ten years. Wife and I are extremely devout believers, both stay in the Word, pray together. We have a great relationship, great friendship, and an incredible love life that is extremely pleasing for both of us. I work 40 hours a week, but make sure to take time for her, buy her anything she likes, I cook, clean, help raise the kids. I try to anticipate any need she has, and meet it before she even mentions it.
I’m a hopeless romantic, she isn’t so much, she rolls her eyes at anything remotely romantic.
I love her dearly, and she says (and most of the times show me) that she loves me as well, and that she is one of the happiest wives in the world.
But every time we’re around others, she makes biting, rude, insulting and disparaging comments about our relationship and sex life. She swears afterwards that she was only kidding and that she’s sorry she hurt my feelings, and then goes into a “I’m a horrible wife and I can’t do anything right” pattern. I comfort her and tell her I forgive her, but that it really hurts my feelings and undermines our intimacy when she does that. Next weekend, she makes another crack, or makes a comment indicating that she has zero attraction to me. Rinse and repeat. The thing is, she truly is attracted to me, and during the week, I don’t mean to sound crude, but she’ll be all over me.
I heap praise and complements on her incessantly. Not to the “stop it, you’re embarrassing me!” point, but I’m always talking in front of friends and family, or online, about how amazing she is at all that she does.
That’s the only side our friends and family ever see, is her making insulting comments. Every single time I talk to her one-on-one, it’s just the same, “I’m sorry, I was just making a joke...” etc.
No matter how many times this cycle repeats, it’s the same thing a few days later.
I love her more than life. I’ve prayed about it till I’m weary. She truly does love me, but it’s seriously undermining our relationship. I am so in love with her and attracted to her and care for her, but it’s seriously starting to push me away!
I don’t say this to sound arrogant or anything, but I’m a really sweet guy, and get frequent comments that I’m attractive. I’m not sure why she is the one person making nasty jokes and comments.
Anyone else been through this or have advice? Sitting down and telling her how badly it hurts and undermines doesn’t help at all.
Thanks and God bless!

Maybe you could tell her straight away, in the action so to speak: "You are not funny, please stop!"

Edit: Sorry for my first post which I erazed. Embarrasingly I didn't read through your post before my reply.

 

[JohnDB]

Marriage counseling only works if both parties are indeed interested in fixing what is broken.
If one of the two doesn't see a problem...

Not going to work whatsoever. Maybe a month or two but then things go back to what they were.