Wife is back sliding and wants to divorce.

[Bill1963]

I am trying to understand how I am to respond to my wife who is having a affair and wants to divorce. We have been married 32 years. I found out 11/24/18 my wife spent the night with another man. Her reaction was denial and over the next couple days she admitted it was a one night stand. I wanted to believe and forgive her, but over the following couple weeks I found out this is a man she had walked 2 hours a day 5 times a week with for the previous year. I confronted her and gave the ultimatum him or me. Her silence hit me hard and I told her she needs move out, so she moved in with her mom (this is where she has been for the last three and a half months). She started attending another church where her sister goes shortly after, and on 12/30/18 I received a letter saying she couldn't tell me to my face, but she wants a divorce. I had a hard time hearing this, because I really still wanted to make our marriage work and, and told her so. Over the last few months I have tried to help her understand what she is doing is not what Gods desires. I have admitted my failures and desire to be the husband God has called me to be. She says she loves me but we are just bad together. I know God has been working on bringing her to a very broken place. She has been very depressed, her colitis has been flaring, and she needs knee surgery.
Yesterday I felt lead for the first time to go and confront her on her daily walk with her adultery partner. She responded with you want to do this here!. I told her she is the one who choose to meet with him here. We drove to the church parking lot and had a long discussion I let her know how confused i was by her ongoing sin. I told her I knew right after church on Sunday she went to meet with her adultery partner. I told her didn't understand how she could listen to God and then ignore what he just said. She acknowledged everything I had said and her reply was I want a divorce. She said Christians get divorces. I reminded her Christians sins should never be a excuses or examples we should follow. She then told me she has been very convicted and crying out to God for the last week. I reminded her crying out to God is a posture of surrender and turning from our sin it is not asking God for approval to continue in them. She cried a lot said she loves me, feels terrible about hurting me but wants a divorce anyways. I told her I don't want her pity and I am not going to give up on Gods ability to soften her heart and lead her to a place of surrender. I told her I have grounds for divorce and if this is what she really wants next Monday I will file, but reminded her any future relationship while I am alive will be adultery. I told her even if we divorce the door will be open for her to repent and for us to be remarried. She was very broken up, and thanked me. I told her I don't want any contact with her for the next week. I asked her to fast and pray for the the week and next Monday we will meet and she can let me know if she wants me to still file for divorce.
I have to say I was surprised by my offer to file. up to this point I have said I will never sign divorce papers. I am concerned I will have to go back on my word if she still wants a divorce. I feel I misspoke by offering something I don't feel God desires. I feel she is blinded by her sin and at some point God will allow her to see the wicked road she is on, and she will truly repent.
I am fasting and praying this week and covet all prayers for Celeste to come to God with a broken and contrite heart. I pray she will find strength to trust God to rebuild our marriage and I will become the husband God wants me to be. She has no confidence in her ability to resist her sin nature, so God will have to move powerfully into her life as he did in mine 24 years ago when I gave my life to Him.
Thanks for your prayers and any advice you may have to offer.

Bill

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Bill,

I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here. My heart goes out to you.

Studies have shown the most successful actions to recover from an affair are:

a) exposing the affair to the other man's wife and close family members (need to do some research)

b) confronting him to set his expectation that you are going to fight for your marriage, and the fight might be more bother than he wants to deal with.

c) don't do anything to move the divorce along whatsoever. Let your wife know you changed your mind and that you love her and want to stay married forever. If she insists on talking divorce, you just say you are only interested in talking about your marriage; if she wants to discuss divorce she'll need to talk to your lawyer.

d) reaching out to those who are influential in your wife's life and ask them to help you persuade your wife to abandon her affair and come back to the marriage. Let them know you love her very much and need their help. (just a short, productive paragraph....no details or character assassinations). Do this all at once so she receives a tsunami of reach outs. (She'll be FURIOUS, but this is the first step towards cracking her addiction of the affair.)

e) expose the affair to your children. Ask them to influence your wife to stop the affair. Ask them to let her know that her affair partner will never be part of their family.​

All of this will help crack the addiction she is experiencing to her lover. Once the addiction is cracked, you'll have more to work with. It will be a difficult road for both of you, but it can be successful. The troubling aspect of your story is how long this affair has been ongoing. The longer the affair, the more difficult it can be to break up.

The reason the affair happened is that she spent all of this time with him, building a love balance with him. It was likely unintended on her part until their feelings grew to the point they lost control. You need to rebuild your love account in her heart with your actions until it outgrows the soon imploding (hopefully) account the other man holds.

I'd try to get her to move back in with you if you can. You'll be more successful if you can be making a steady stream of love bank deposits. Those will confuse her, and will contrast to the havoc you are wreaking in affair land.

 

[Dave G.]

I suggest some Christian counseling if she is willing. But she must stop seeing the other guy.

Also according to scripture if you put her out for adultery you are free to remarry but not to remarry her. She will always be an adulteress and she must confess and repent to see heaven. She has very serious consequences attached to her actions in the spiritual realm. I pray this situation can be rectified and healing can take place.

My first wife was a cheat and wanted divorce and I gave it to her. Then she went on to cheat on her second husband even with his brother, had another mans child but they are still married. I still pray for her now and then that she could come to know Jesus, she is married to a JW, that's who was messing with her when we were married.

 

[Bill1963]

I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here. My heart goes out to you.

Studies have shown the most successful actions to recover from an affair are:

a) exposing the affair to the other man's wife and close family members (need to do some research)
Yes I will need to do some research and find out more about him, all i Know is his first name. He is married I found out yesterday, and my wife told me she know. I think she is lying to protect him though.
b) confronting him to set his expectation that you are going to fight for your marriage, and the fight might be more bother than he wants to deal with.
I will do this.
c) don't do anything to move the divorce along whatsoever. Let your wife know you changed your mind and that you love her and want to stay married forever. If she insists on talking divorce, you just say you are only interested in talking about your marriage; if she wants to discuss divorce she'll need to talk to your lawyer.
Thanks, this confirms my feelings
d) reaching out to those who are influential in your wife's life and ask them to help you persuade your wife to abandon her affair and come back to the marriage. Let them know you love her very much and need their help. (just a short, productive paragraph....no details or character assassinations). Do this all at once so she receives a tsunami of reach outs. (She'll be FURIOUS, but this is the first step towards cracking her addiction of the affair.)
I did let our kids and family know early on. I have been very reserved in who I have told at church up to this time. Unfortunately the only Christians my wife is listening to right now is her sister and mother. They are divorced and telling her God will forgive her. They won't even answer a phone call from me. Her sister texted me I just need to love her like Jesus and leave her alone. She doesn't understand the most loving thing she can do for her sister is to confront her about her destructive sin.

 

[Bill1963]

I suggest some Christian counseling if she is willing. But she must stop seeing the other guy.

Also according to scripture if you put her out for adultery you are free to remarry but not to remarry her. She will always be an adulteress and she must confess and repent to see heaven. She has very serious consequences attached to her actions in the spiritual realm. I pray this situation can be rectified and healing can take place.

She told me she broke off the relationship a couple months ago. I recently got curios and found out they are still together. Ever since I have been telling her she needs to break it off.
I understand I have freedom to remarry, but I feel I will be leaving her in ongoing sin and it may be at the cost of her salvation. If she ever remarries I can see praying and looking for another wife. I understand my thinking could change sooner, but I hope I can leave the door open as long as possible.

 

[Endeavourer]

a) exposing the affair to the other man's wife and close family members (need to do some research) Yes I will need to do some research and find out more about him, all i Know is his first name. He is married I found out yesterday, and my wife told me she know. I think she is lying to protect him though.​

b) confronting him to set his expectation that you are going to fight for your marriage, and the fight might be more bother than he wants to deal with.
I will do this.

c) don't do anything to move the divorce along whatsoever. Let your wife know you changed your mind and that you love her and want to stay married forever. If she insists on talking divorce, you just say you are only interested in talking about your marriage; if she wants to discuss divorce she'll need to talk to your lawyer. Thanks, this confirms my feelings

d) reaching out to those who are influential in your wife's life and ask them to help you persuade your wife to abandon her affair and come back to the marriage. Let them know you love her very much and need their help. (just a short, productive paragraph....no details or character assassinations). Do this all at once so she receives a tsunami of reach outs. (She'll be FURIOUS, but this is the first step towards cracking her addiction of the affair.)I did let our kids and family know early on. I have been very reserved in who I have told at church up to this time. Unfortunately the only Christians my wife is listening to right now is her wife and mother. They are divorced and telling her God will forgive her. They won't even answer a phone call from me. Her sister texted me I just need to love her like Jesus and leave her alone. She doesn't understand the most loving thing she can do for her sister is to confront her about her destructive sin.

^^Definitely expand her circle of influence in this matter - expose to people of influence to her at church, and anyone else who would be an advocate of your marriage who had influence with her.

Good man! These are productive steps to change your situation. Your instincts on confronting them when they were walking and stepping away from helping with the divorce are right on.​

 

[Endeavourer]

She told me she broke off the relationship a couple months ago. I recently got curios and found out they are still together. Ever since I have been telling her she needs to break it off.

Don't believe anything she says for now. She is in the throes of an addiction. Addicts lie. Assume the affair is ongoing until you have continuing confirmations (evidence) that it has stopped.

 

[Bill1963]

^^Definitely expand her circle of influence in this matter - expose to people of influence to her at church, and anyone else who would be an advocate of your marriage who had influence with her.
I let the church leaders and a few prayer warriors know from the start. The contact they have made was phone calls and emails. Celeste always thanked them. Unfortunately she never took anything to heart, and has never reached out to any seasoned Christian that I am aware of.
Good man! These are productive steps to change your situation. Your instincts on confronting them when they were walking and stepping away from helping with the divorce are right on.

It was very painful I spent the last 34 Christmases with this family, and not even a text from one of them wishing me well.
I understand biologically she is family, and they don't want to acknowledge her affair.
she focused on telling them every fault I have. Mainly things from over 24 years ago.

 

[RaymondG]

Do whatever you can, spend all the money it takes, use all the time and thought power you can muster to keep your wife. Follow all the studies of Man's wisdom you can find.

When you are done and realize that you are none the better....Cast all your Cares on Him, Stand aside, and see the salvation of the Lord......

 

[Bill1963]

Do whatever you can, spend all the money it takes, use all the time and thought power you can muster to keep your wife. Follow all the studies of Man's wisdom you can find.

When you are done and realize that you are none the better....Cast all your Cares on Him, Stand aside, and see the salvation of the Lord......

It really upset me yesterday seeing her so upset crying hugging and telling me she wants a divorce. I feel I acted on emotions yesterday, and the time frame I placed was likely the wrong thing to do.
God has given me a surprising amount patience, peace, and trust.
I am surprised up to this point I can't remember being angry or even crying. Believe me I have felt pain like I never imagined, but my thoughts and concern are mainly for her.

 

[RaymondG]

It really upset me yesterday seeing her so upset crying hugging and telling me she wants a divorce. I feel I acted on emotions yesterday, and the time frame I placed was likely the wrong thing to do.
God has brought me a surprising amount patience, peace, and trust.
I am surprised up to this point I can't remember being angry or even crying. Believe me I have felt pain like I never imagined, but my thoughts and concern are mainly for her.

Is it your concern for her that makes you condemn her every time you speak to her, instead of mentioning what the Lord said to the one He caught in Adultery?

 

[Bill1963]

I have been meeting with my pastor every week. He always gives me encouragement.
Yesterday after meeting with Celeste I called her new pastor and let him know what we are going through. I requested prayer and asked him to look for opportunities to offer spiritual guidance. I asked for him to wait for a week or two because she is so distraught right now I am afraid she would resent my contact with him. I actually know she will be very angry with me, because I have been telling her to let him know what she is going through.

 

[Silverback]

I am trying to understand how I am to respond to my wife who is having a affair and wants to divorce. We have been married 32 years. I found out 11/24/18 my wife spent the night with another man. Her reaction was denial and over the next couple days she admitted it was a one night stand. I wanted to believe and forgive her, but over the following couple weeks I found out this is a man she had walked 2 hours a day 5 times a week with for the previous year. I confronted her and gave the ultimatum him or me. Her silence hit me hard and I told her she needs move out, so she moved in with her mom (this is where she has been for the last three and a half months). She started attending another church where her sister goes shortly after, and on 12/30/18 I received a letter saying she couldn't tell me to my face, but she wants a divorce. I had a hard time hearing this, because I really still wanted to make our marriage work and, and told her so. Over the last few months I have tried to help her understand what she is doing is not what Gods desires. I have admitted my failures and desire to be the husband God has called me to be. She says she loves me but we are just bad together. I know God has been working on bringing her to a very broken place. She has been very depressed, her colitis has been flaring, and she needs knee surgery.
Yesterday I felt lead for the first time to go and confront her on her daily walk with her adultery partner. She responded with you want to do this here!. I told her she is the one who choose to meet with him here. We drove to the church parking lot and had a long discussion I let her know how confused i was by her ongoing sin. I told her I knew right after church on Sunday she went to meet with her adultery partner. I told her didn't understand how she could listen to God and then ignore what he just said. She acknowledged everything I had said and her reply was I want a divorce. She said Christians get divorces. I reminded her Christians sins should never be a excuses or examples we should follow. She then told me she has been very convicted and crying out to God for the last week. I reminded her crying out to God is a posture of surrender and turning from our sin it is not asking God for approval to continue in them. She cried a lot said she loves me, feels terrible about hurting me but wants a divorce anyways. I told her I don't want her pity and I am not going to give up on Gods ability to soften her heart and lead her to a place of surrender. I told her I have grounds for divorce and if this is what she really wants next Monday I will file, but reminded her any future relationship while I am alive will be adultery. I told her even if we divorce the door will be open for her to repent and for us to be remarried. She was very broken up, and thanked me. I told her I don't want any contact with her for the next week. I asked her to fast and pray for the the week and next Monday we will meet and she can let me know if she wants me to still file for divorce.
I have to say I was surprised by my offer to file. up to this point I have said I will never sign divorce papers. I am concerned I will have to go back on my word if she still wants a divorce. I feel I misspoke by offering something I don't feel God desires. I feel she is blinded by her sin and at some point God will allow her to see the wicked road she is on, and she will truly repent.
I am fasting and praying this week and covet all prayers for Celeste to come to God with a broken and contrite heart. I pray she will find strength to trust God to rebuild our marriage and I will become the husband God wants me to be. She has no confidence in her ability to resist her sin nature, so God will have to move powerfully into her life as he did in mine 24 years ago when I gave my life to Him.
Thanks for your prayers and any advice you may have to offer.

Bill

I'm sorry you are in this terrible situation, that you did not create, and bare no responsibility for.

This is my advise:

-For your own health, and because you are a good man, you must forgive her.

-Make a reasonable effort to reconcile

-Pray

-After that, if she still wants a divorce you should move on with the rest of your life.

-Of course, her infidelity has to be the reason you are divorcing, not a convenient issue to end your marriage.

 

[Bill1963]

I understand I am not responsible for her sin. I do feel like a failure as her spiritual leader. I am struggling with not recognizing her desperation and getting help sooner.
I have been trying to take care of myself, but know I have some mild depression I should seek some more help then my pastor is trained for.
I feel more effort to reconcile may be required. I know I can still do this even if she serves me divorce papers.
I pray for hours everyday. I started fasting 30 hours ago and I have no time frame when I may end it. I want my hunger to drive me to a level of dependence on God I have never experienced before. I know he has allowed all of this, if for no other reason then to bring me closer to Him. I pray Celeste will know this level of dependence, and from there she will learn to trust him completely.
If I move on with life without her I know my relationship with the Lord will be even closer.

 

[Endeavourer]

I pray for hours everyday. I started fasting 30 hours ago and I have no time frame when I may end it. I want my hunger to drive me to a level of dependence on God I have never experienced before. I know he has allowed all of this, if for no other reason then to bring me closer to Him. I pray Celeste will know this level of dependence, and from there she will learn to trust him completely.

Along with seeking the Lord's face in prayer, actions are critical at this moment. Just like nature has patterns, our human nature can have patterns, too. Research shows that most affairs follow a textbook pattern, and that the steps I outlined for you above are your best bet at breaking up the affair and saving your marriage. So, please also get busy towards getting those things done.

I do feel like a failure as her spiritual leader.

Bill, this is a lot to put on yourself. I also was immersed in "headship" theology which imposed some idealistic of spiritual responsibility on the man of the house with respect to even other adults in the household. Depending upon your particular flavor of spiritual leadership doctrines, that can range even to being responsible for another adult's sin. When it was becoming clear that burden of my particular version of the theology could not longer withstand reality, I felt I received a realization that the word "headship" is not in the Bible. It's not there. Yet, there is a heavy theology where the word "headship" almost creates a whole cloth doctrine of its own.

It's a legalistic theology for both genders, and once your eyes are open to see questions on that filter, a fresh perspective in your study of the Bible will point to some serious misses in 'headship' theology. The day I realized how completely fabricated my understanding of "headship" theology was is a day I found such liberty in my Lord. It freed up a darkness that couldn't be satiated regardless of how hard I tried.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

Bill, my prayers go out to you and your wife. May God grant both of you a deeper relationship in spite of the present awful situation. Your compassion and willingness to reach out and forgive are amazing to me. May God give you the wisdom and the courage to continue living for Him.

 

[Bill1963]

Is it your concern for her that makes you condemn her every time you speak to her, instead of mentioning what the Lord said to the one He caught in Adultery?

I wasn't aware I was condemning her, but I will pray about it. I know the verse you referred to above I quoted many times to her when I reassured her I could forgive her. I wish she could go and sin no more.

 

[Bill1963]

Bill, this is a lot to put on yourself. I also was immersed in "headship" theology which imposed some idealistic of spiritual responsibility on the man of the house with respect to even other adults in the household. Depending upon your particular flavor of spiritual leadership doctrines, that can range even to being responsible for another adult's sin. When it was becoming clear that burden of my particular version of the theology could not longer withstand reality, I felt I received a realization that the word "headship" is not in the Bible. It's not there. Yet, there is a heavy theology where the word "hea

Thanks, I am not sure why I am blaming myself. I was a elder for a period of time and I understand part of the requirements were based on your family's walk. I feel her failure to turn to God was some how my failure in leading her to Him.

 

[Endeavourer]

I feel her failure to turn to God was some how my failure in leading her to Him.

Bill, only the Holy Spirit can do that. You can serve, minister to and encourage her, but you can't lead her to Him. That job ultimately falls to God Himself, regardless of your desires or efforts.

Being an elder puts a lot of pressure on you to have a family that is just so. Part of my spiritual journey was identifying my fear of man and replacing it with a fear of God. I ultimately resigned from a church that had a discipline process I had lived in such fear of. One day they were going to apply discipline to me over something they felt was "Biblical" and that they had "clearly showed me" my error. However, I couldn't find the theology they were trying to enforce against me in the Bible. I saw where they thought it was, but I had grown to see that the full context and meaning of the passage was exactly not what they were saying was "Biblical". My roots are deep in that church, and most of my family. Yet, what they wanted me to affirm was rot to my bones and bile in my stomach. I couldn't do it. Facing up to my fear of them vs my love of the Lord was so hard. Also liberating, though.

So all of that to say, I feel for the lifestyle that the pressure your office puts on you. Fear of man and fear of what man thinks is far more motivating than we sometimes realize. This fear may not have ruled you as much as it ruled me, so I'm not trying to imply that in particular it is/was an issue for you.

 

[Bill1963]

Bill, my prayers go out to you and your wife. May God grant both of you a deeper relationship in spite of the present awful situation. Your compassion and willingness to reach out and forgive are amazing to me. May God give you the wisdom and the courage to continue living for Him.

God's grace is a powerful thing, and I know there is no way I could feel like this if I didn't understand how much God has forgiven me. I pray some how God is glorified through this. If my wife hears well done good and faithful servant when she stands before the Lord, I know I will be so thankful to God I am sure this time will pale in comparison.