Wife is back sliding and wants to divorce.

[Bill1963]

Bill, only the Holy Spirit can do that. You can serve, minister to and encourage her, but you can't lead her to Him. That job ultimately falls to God Himself, regardless of your desires or efforts.

Yes, I understand only God can soften her heart and make it receptive to his call, but I feel a responsibility to make sure I am doing what God calls me to do in reaching her.

 

[Bill1963]

So all of that to say, I feel for the lifestyle that the pressure your office puts on you. Fear of man and fear of what man thinks is far more motivating than we sometimes realize. This fear may not have ruled you as much as it ruled me, so I'm not trying to imply that in particular it is/was an issue for you.

I steped down awhile back because of health issues with a family member, and time constants.

 

[Bill1963]

I really appreciate all the advice I have received here. The comfort I find in God listening to his saints lifting prayers to his thrown room of grace for my wife is very reassuring. There is a great freedom when you understand it's in God's hands. I seem to go days feeling this peace. I also find myself at other moments discouraged that she may not ever trust in the Lord. I felt that Sunday after learning she went from church to meet with her AP.

 

[iLove]

Once you leave the Cross to fix the problem...on your best day all you can do is patch it up! You cannot fix it. Because only the Cross deals with sin.

Return to the Cross (repent) and ask God for His grace and mercy in this time of need. These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. The answer you seek, is found in the Cross. Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled. Only Grace is greater than sin. Victory only comes by Faith in Christ and the Cross. The operation of the Holy Spirit is accomplished through Faith and Grace. Romans 8:2

Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27

 

[Bill1963]

Once you leave the Cross to fix the problem...on your best day all you can do is patch it up! You cannot fix it. Because only the Cross deals with sin.

Return to the Cross (repent) and ask God for His grace and mercy in this time of need. These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. The answer you seek, is found in the Cross. Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled. Only Grace is greater than sin. Victory only comes by Faith in Christ and the Cross. The operation of the Holy Spirit is accomplished through Faith and Grace. Romans 8:2

Thank you very good reminder.
Hebrews 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

 

[Deidre32]

Your wife's sins are not your fault. I will pray that you find the right answers. When people cheat, there's usually much more going on beneath the surface than marital issues. Most cheaters blame their marriages, or that they're bored, or their spouse ''doesn't understand them,'' etc but, at the end of the day, it's a choice that a person makes. I'm sure she didn't want to hurt you, but the evil one tells us lies, that look appealing at the time. I'm sure you can think of your own sins, and realize that the devil lied to you. The devil gets into any vulnerable opening that we have, and works to keep us from God. Your wife's weaknesses are her own, and she has to work through them, and maybe she feels ashamed or that the only way she can heal, is to leave you. But, I hope that you both can repair the marriage, but cheating is a tough thing.

 

[Bill1963]

Your wife's sins are not your fault. I will pray that you find the right answers. When people cheat, there's usually much more going on beneath the surface than marital issues. Most cheaters blame their marriages, or that they're bored, or their spouse ''doesn't understand them,'' etc but, at the end of the day, it's a choice that a person makes. I'm sure she didn't want to hurt you, but the evil one tells us lies, that look appealing at the time. I'm sure you can think of your own sins, and realize that the devil lied to you. The devil gets into any vulnerable opening that we have, and works to keep us from God. Your wife's weaknesses are her own, and she has to work through them, and maybe she feels ashamed or that the only way she can heal, is to leave you. But, I hope that you both can repair the marriage, but cheating is a tough thing.

I appreciate your prayers. You are right we had been growing apart. My job took most of my time and the time I had when I got home my wife didn't seem to want. I believe she didn't start the relationship thinking it would lead her to adultery. I realize a big part of her sin was a direct result of demonic forces. She started smoking marijuana on her walks and the music was all worldly. This was the common ground that made my wife feel like this is her soulmate. I think it made her feel 20 again. Before I found out about the affair she told me it's fun being bad. That statement really concerned me, but I didn't imagine the level she had sunk to. I am sure when her adultery was exposed to her family she chooses to focus on me being the bad guy. I think at that point it became easier to justify her relationship. I believe she felt she was burning the bridge to return to me. From that time on it has been her resolve to divorce. She was hoping I would get angry and she could feel like the victim, and again not appear so hard hearted. She has actual told me many times over the last few months she wishes I didn't love her. She says my desire to reconcile is killing her. I understand divorce is not a unforgivable sin, but I am concerned it will lead her into ongoing sin that may prevent her from experiencing a fruitful relationship with the Lord . I know the only way we will reconcile is God's miraculous reconciling love moving into our marriage. If it is not God's will I am confident we will both heal over time and hopefully our kids don't follow our bad example of divorce.

 

[Bill1963]

I was layed off work 9 weeks ago. I am only 56, but have my 30 years in the carpenters union. I really am unsure of what I am going to do. Retirement will require moving out of the expensive area I am. I told Celeste I would continue to work if she wants to come back, but she says I should retire and be happy.
God really has brought me to a time of uncertainty.

 

[Endeavourer]

I believe she didn't start the relationship thinking it would lead her to adultery.

This is how nearly all affairs start (excluding those from sereal adulterers who are out looking for them). Time is spent with an opposite sex friend until eventually a love bank balance grows from meeting each other's emotional needs and then an addiction to each other grows.

She started smoking marijuana on her walks and the music was all worldly. This was the common ground that made my wife feel like this is her soulmate. I think it made her feel 20 again. Before I found out about the affair she told me it's fun being bad.

This is a concerning detail. If she has a chemical addiction then that will trump everything else. Not having smoked pot before, I am unfamiliar with pot's addictive (or not) effects. However, Dr. Harley at marriagebulders.com is a Christian marriage counselor who specializes in helping marriages recover from affairs and part of his career included running a chain of addiction clinics. He could provide some good advice to you in this matter. Post in the Surviving an Affair where volunteers trained in his methods will help you. The advice in that forum is supervised by Dr. Harley, and is provided at no cost.

His life's research into this is documented for free on his web site and guidance is available on the forum. He has written books if you prefer that as a matter of convenient consolidation of information specifically pertinent to you, but it's also all at marriagebuilders.com for free. The book relevant for you is "Surviving and Affair", by Dr. Harley.

I am sure when her adultery was exposed to her family she chooses to focus on me being the bad guy. I think at that point it became easier to justify her relationship.

This is classic, predictable affair behavior. It really hurts but if you can break the affair and restore your marriage these family ties will come back. I'm sorry you are going through this.

She has actual told me many times over the last few months she wishes I didn't love her. She says my desire to reconcile is killing her.

This shows her heart is conflicted and you may be in time to break up the affair and restore the marriage.

 

[Endeavourer]

I was layed off work 9 weeks ago. I am only 56, but have my 30 years in the carpenters union. I really am unsure of what I am going to do. Retirement will require moving out of the expensive area I am. I told Celeste I would continue to work if she wants to come back, but she says I should retire and be happy.

Never put stock in anything that comes out of a wayward spouse's mouth while they are in an affair. Their main focus is their addiction to their lover and how to feed it. In this state of mind, she would be happy if you moved so you could be out of her way for her affair.

Your best action right now is to focus on breaking up the affair with the actions I outlined earlier. It takes a gut of steel but according research on how affairs go, it's your best shot.

 

[Deidre32]

I appreciate your prayers. You are right we had been growing apart. My job took most of my time and the time I had when I got home my wife didn't seem to want. I believe she didn't start the relationship thinking it would lead her to adultery. I realize a big part of her sin was a direct result of demonic forces. She started smoking marijuana on her walks and the music was all worldly. This was the common ground that made my wife feel like this is her soulmate. I think it made her feel 20 again. Before I found out about the affair she told me it's fun being bad. That statement really concerned me, but I didn't imagine the level she had sunk to. I am sure when her adultery was exposed to her family she chooses to focus on me being the bad guy. I think at that point it became easier to justify her relationship. I believe she felt she was burning the bridge to return to me. From that time on it has been her resolve to divorce. She was hoping I would get angry and she could feel like the victim, and again not appear so hard hearted. She has actual told me many times over the last few months she wishes I didn't love her. She says my desire to reconcile is killing her. I understand divorce is not a unforgivable sin, but I am concerned it will lead her into ongoing sin that may prevent her from experiencing a fruitful relationship with the Lord . I know the only way we will reconcile is God's miraculous reconciling love moving into our marriage. If it is not God's will I am confident we will both heal over time and hopefully our kids don't follow our bad example of divorce.

You sound pretty grounded which is good. Grounded in faith.

I have seen people in your situation, and because they have made their spouse and marriage an idol, they can’t let go of it. Same thing with jobs. Anything that we treat as an idol, will draw us into deep anger when we lose it. Marriage and careers are blessings from God, but they’re not meant to cling to, the way we should cling to Jesus. Our spouse is important but if we fear losing that person and the idea of that destroys our well being, then we have made that spouse an idol.

Your wife’s choices, whether they came from evil or her own excuses, are her own. She has to work out her own sin and salvation, with Jesus. And you have to be honest with yourself if you are worried for her future, or your own. I’ll be praying for you both.

 

[Bill1963]

Marriage and careers are blessings from God, but they’re not meant to cling to, the way we should cling to Jesus. Our spouse is important but if we fear losing that person and the idea of that destroys our well being, then we have made that spouse an idol.

I need to examine myself better but on some level at least my desire to control her freewill to sin maybe a form of idolatry.

Your wife’s choices, whether they came from evil or her own excuses, are her own. She has to work out her own sin and salvation, with Jesus. And you have to be honest with yourself if you are worried for her future, or your own. I’ll be praying for you both.

Yes again very thought provoking. I know I am very concerned for her future. The thoughts of my future is like a fog I feel completely unsure of it. I know my wife is not in control of it. I know God is in control of my future my heath and my security.
Thanks

 

[Deidre32]

Yes again very thought provoking. I know I am very concerned for her future. The thoughts of my future is like a fog I feel completely unsure of it. I know my wife is not in control of it God, but that is.
Thanks

From a secular perspective, are you seeking any legal advice? If not, you should.

I also hope things work out for you in your career. Sometimes when things pile on us like you're going through, it can be God testing us. Never in a bad way. God's tests help us to get stronger, so perhaps God is trying to show you something through your trials, like He did with Job. Not just that you are resolved to staying close to God, but that there might be areas in your life that you clung to, and He wants total surrender to Him. You're right, God is in control.

 

[Bill1963]

From a secular perspective, are you seeking any legal advice? If not, you should.

I also hope things work out for you in your career. Sometimes when things pile on us like you're going through, it can be God testing us. Never in a bad way. God's tests help us to get stronger, so perhaps God is trying to show you something through your trials, like He did with Job. Not just that you are resolved to staying close to God, but that there might be areas in your life that you clung to, and He wants total surrender to Him. You're right, God is in control.

I have not sought any legal advice. I am in California and know she is intitled to half of everything, including my pension. She has not worked for 24 years, but she said she dosn't want alimony. She has said she would like to not use lawyers, but our communication is so messed up right now I know we are going to need somebody to see everything is done fairly.
If I do go back to work I really don't want to go back to what I was doing. The schedules and dishonesty was very discouraging.
Right now I only know my times are in God's hands. I feel dependent in every area of my life for his provision, and healing. His comfort and promises keep me hopeful and I know my joy throughout all of this is based on my confidence in Jesus's atoning blood.

 

[Bill1963]

I have been emailing people close to My wife. I have been requesting prayer for her in her backsliden state and I also let them know I have lost no love for her, and am seeking God in saving our marriage.
I understand this is probably not go over well with my wife at this time.

Next week I plan on finding out who the other mans wife is. I will give him the opportunity to end the affair and tell his wife he had a affair or I will let her know he is in one with my wife.

I have been fasting ever since I saw my wife on Monday, and God has been revealing much about my own failures in our marriage. I know this time is only awhile and when it is passed I will be a better man for going through it. This broken marriage is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. At the same time God has brought about a dependence on Him like I never new, and I am confident if it is His will we will have the marriage He desires.

 

[Endeavourer]

I understand this is probably not go over well with my wife at this time.

This is a great indication! The more upset she is the closer you have come to your target of hurting the affair. Your marriage can survive things not going well with your wife while her affair is breaking up; it cannot survive a continuing affair.

Next week I plan on finding out who the other mans wife is. I will give him the opportunity to end the affair and tell his wife he had a affair or I will let her know he is in one with my wife.

Please re-think this idea. Exposure to the other man's wife ASAP, and without warning is critical for several reasons:
(1) she deserves to know what is going on in her marriage. It's likely she has been experiencing the pain of confounding marriage problems with no idea of how to solve her problem, not knowing they are because her husband is in an affair and has a new point of reference against which she is comparing unfavorably. It would be merciful for you to allow her to know the truth in her life so she can take productive steps to solve her problem.
(2) if he is being watched on his end by his wife he will be less likely to be able to meet up with your wife, and
(3) your objective is to make his difficulty of pursing this affair outweigh the benefits of it.

Do not give him any warning prior to the exposure or else he'll be spinning the truth to his wife before you get there. It's very common for him to mention to her about some crazy guy that has mental problems so when you do contact her she will already think you are just talking craziness.

I have been fasting ever since I saw my wife on Monday, and God has been revealing much about my own failures in our marriage. I know this time is only awhile and when it is passed I will be a better man for going through it. This broken marriage is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. At the same time God has brought about a dependence on Him like I never new, and I am confident if it is His will we will have the marriage He desires.

Even so, your failures are not responsible for her affair. Her lack of boundaries in this friendship was. You can have an even more wonderful marriage, post affair, than you ever had before it if you fix those failings of yours.

 

[Endeavourer]

I have been emailing people close to My wife. I have been requesting prayer for her in her backsliden state and I also let know I have lost no love for her, and am seeking God in saving our marriage.

This is a beautiful way to reach out for those close to her in your requests for them to encourage her to forsake her affair.

Good job!! This can be a very difficult thing to do, and I'm so thankful you found the strength to do it.

 

[Endeavourer]

I will give him the opportunity to end the affair and tell his wife he had a affair or I will let her know he is in one with my wife.

Your words will be meaningless to him in terms of his ending the affair. People in affairs are in the fog of addiction-it's like begging a falling down drunk not to be drunk. All that will do is cause the two of them to hide it better.

When you speak to him, speak firmly to demand he end the affair and tell him you will fight for your marriage.

When you find out who he is, exposure akin to what you have done for your wife to people important to him is critical as well. You want to be raining bricks down on the affair so it ends. If you find him on Facebook, copy his contacts down so you can message them a similar message as you used for your wife's exposures. You'll want to get the contacts copied down before he blocks you.

 

[Bill1963]

It is going to take some investigating to find out about the other man. All I know is his first name and where he goes to walk. I wasn't even sure if he was married until I asked my wife if his wife knows. She said she does know about them. I don't believe her because they probably wouldn't still be meeting in public.

 

[Bill1963]

I have been through many revealing periods in this affliction. I spent to much time asking God why, and feeling like a victim. I can confidently now say God has allowed this for my good. He has shown me the victim is my wife who fell for the lies of the evil one. I pray the Lord will open her eyes to see the evil one for the thief and lair he is. I pray the Lord will speak the truth of His grace, and mercy into her heart.