Why...

[rikab49]

I'm not a whiner, i'm not a basher, i'm not some angry person that lashes out at "believers". I am just hurt, and tired. I'm tired of giving our "creator" my all to be pushed down and confused, and i'm just tired of the back and forth bull ****. Yes i am very upset that something i tried so hard for since i was old enough to think for myself, is so not obtainable for me. The sad part is I WANT TO BELIEVE. I just can't. It doesn't add up it doesn't make since it isn't realistic. Why would "He" put us in such a realistic state only to tell us that the only way to obtain the grace is to believe the unbelievable. I want this, i want this so bad because i feel apart of something for a tender moment in time while i'm with those people but, soon enough i get comfortable and let my tattoos and piercings show, and my real self come to life and i'm judged and told my style my ways are my own and not his so there fore they are wrong. I understand that my drug addiction is a problem and that it needs tending too or it will trap me. Well i tried to stay clean his way or their way (which ever) but, it only lasted for a few weeks after i got out of a christian rehab center for three months, then moved to a transitional christian home. My addiction peaked after the death of my mother and i substituted the pills for meth. It made pain, and memories unreal. Drugs make sense to me and the fact that my mother is gone is so real it's almost unbearable. The last prayer i prayed was March 3rd 2012 to be able to say goodbye. i get that she was suffering and it was her time. But, a no on saying goodbye? That'sBull. And don't comment and say well maybe his plan was for you to remember her in a better way. She got sick when i was 12. I've been watching her die since i was a little girl. Now i sit in my home with my father and watch his pain. Yet he still loves God... I just can't. I could talk circles around most christains. i've studied the theology, and taught classes. and read tell i could hardly keep my eyes open... And you christians say that we are so blind and you have the peace within because he ran after you a prodigal. Well this Other brother, has been the prodigal, the *****, the people inside the house hoping the prodigal would come home, the woman at the well, and a stubborn Jonah... And Your God hasn't done a ****** THING BUT GIVE ME THE MOST SUFFOCATING DISEASE THERE IS AND TAKE, AND TAKE, WATCH ME CRY, SCREAM AND HURT. AND I HATE HIM.

 

[Faulty]

I'm sorry you lost your mother. I've lost mine recently as well through a long struggle with lung cancer. We were very close.

Exactly what part about the gospel do you find to be unbelievable?

 

[rikab49]

Honestly most of it... the miraculous, the salvation, the "wonders".
I do understand that i wont be able to get it all. because it's not our place to "know it all". But, i'd really appreciate to have something to confirm that i'm not just making up things in my mind when i used to feel, and pray, and read, and worship.

 

[Faulty]

Is it you don't believe there is a God or a God capable of doing such things?

Don't go by your feelings, they can be misleading. That Bible you have is telling you the truth. You don't have to believe in any specific miracle to be forgiven and made new, other than the resurrection of Jesus from the dead.

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Concerning His resurrection, Paul names eyewitnesses by name, the tells of 500 people still alive at that time who witnessed the fact and who could verify the account. If we were to stumble across an old copy of a newspaper that is over 100 years old, and it told of an event where over 500 people participated, our minds wouldn't immediately deny the even ever happened because all 500 of the people who were there are dead now. For some reason, we want to become illogical when we read of such an event in the scriptures.[/FONT]

 

[rikab49]

Exactly i know alllll of this. i know that you shouldn't rely on feeling because they are so ever changing and inconsistent. I believe there is a higher power but, who? i'm not sure of that. I've read on a lot of religion what if these others are right? Cao Dai -God rep. by Divine Eye, Druze -Universal Intelligence,
Hinduism- gods and goddesses, Mayan - Kukulcan and Chac (a few others i can't recall.) Jainism - many gods exist
I just don't want to be caught up in something just because of a feeling i want to know why i believe it and be able to back it up.

 

[rikab49]

Anyone can stand in a room full of people and either choose to be moved or not by any type of feeling that is submitted in the room whether it be praise and worship to god or to a buddah statue.

 

[PashNut4Jesus]

Rikab, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I know she must be such a special woman. I don't know if you would like to share some of your special memories here . . . I would love to hear about her. If you'd rather not here, I understand.

I know you're angry and hurt and grieving and that is completely understandable. You must feel robbed. My goodness, I'm sure you missed out on the opportunities to make more special memories because she has been sick since you were 12. I'm guessing that you are still fairly young? If so, I know that makes losing your mother that much more difficult for several reasons.

Now is probably not the time to go back and forth with a logical debate. Generally speaking, as people, we don't do our best thinking when we are upset. I've learned that it's not possible to appeal to a person's logic when they are upset. Right now, I care more about your aching heart and the extraordinary loss you are struggling with. More than anything, you need love and support and encouragement. You need the room to vent occasionally. What I would like to offer is an ear to bend. If I were with you in person, I'd give you hugs and a shoulder to lean on; perhaps a cheeseburger and fries or maybe a big bowl of ice cream. Hopefully, I might even to get you to chuckle in between sobs. If you don't feel safe doing that online, that is perfectly understandable. But if you do, I would be honored to be here for you. I don't want to speak for Faulty, but my guess is that he would do the same.

There are reasons I would suggest that the God you are angry with right now is the One to have Faith in. I wonder if, deep down, you agree. I say that because He is the One you've chosen to be angry with, not any of the others.

Maybe, for a few moments, you can allow your thoughts to calm and simply deal with experiencing the emotions you are dealing with. From heart to heart, I can tell you that God has suffered a great deal as well, and because of this, He relates to the strong emotions you are struggling with right now. His Son suffered death. In addition to dying, His Son was persecuted and mocked. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to watch His Son suffer in that way. Jesus suffered a very painful death. He has done His fair share of grieving too and He cares very much that you are hurting right now.

If you would be willing, I wonder if you would read Psalms 139.

I hope we hear back from you. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[bling]

How can I comfort you through a cold screne?

 

[YosefYosefYosef]

...[he] hasn't done a ****** THING...AND I HATE HIM.

Rika, you're 100% right, He is causing all of your pain & suffering...if He wasn't in charge of everything, then He wouldn't exactly be G-d.

Scream "Hey, G-d, what's up?! You know that you are driving me insane, right? Do you think that you can have a little compassion on me & show me that you love me? "

Rika, don't sweat it. You'll be fine. Just say what I've written without holding any emotion back. Be angry. Be hurt. But just scream what I wrote...I promise that you won't get 2 steps without your heart bursting with love, joy, a strange feeling of peace & your eyes will see a different light.

Rika, I promise.

 

[talitha]

(((((Rika))))) it's okay to be angry - God can take it. He loves you, no matter what you feel, and you know that.