I understand where you're coming from. I've been a Christian for most of my life and I've always tried to suppress my doubts and questions about God and what the Bible says by believing I just don't understand His ways - after all, He's God and how can I possibly fathom what He does or why. I'm 51 years old and I see people I care about suffering illness and struggling with depression, anxiety, and stress. I hear the news and see what's going on in the world - people suffering at the hands of ISIS. Children being taken by this group as slaves or repeatedly raped by 50 year old men. I wonder, where is God in their suffering? I understand that there's evil in this world and people make choices to do good or evil, but my pastor says that God allows evil at times to fulfill His purposes and He gives Satan a certain amount of power and leeway to commit his evil acts. I can't comprehend this. How do I trust Him when He allows innocent children to suffer with cancer or seems absent when a friend is dying and wonders where God is in his suffering. I know we all will die, but where is God when all someone wants is a sense of His presence? My friend was dying from melanoma - couldn't bear having his daugther hug him for fear his bones would break(the cancer had metastisized to his bones in the final months). I asked him if he was afraid to die. He said he accepted the fact that God wasn't going to heal him, and he was fine with that. What he couldn't understand was why God was allowing him to suffer so much pain and he felt somewhat abandoned. Why, in our darkest hour, does God withdraw? I've heard people say, it's because He's testing our faith - do we really believe? How would it be if my child came to me for comfort when they're sick - just needed me to hold them and give my support - and I said, "No, I'm too busy. Believe I love you, but you have to go through this on your own." I also think of what ISIS and Hitler have done - the absolute evil. God promises in His word to protect those who believe in Him, yet so many have been tortured at the hands of evil people. Is what ISIS or Hitler have done any different from what God called for in the Old Testament? He commanded His people to go into areas and anniliate groups of people - even women and children. I understand Pharoah didn't listen and wouldn't let the Israelites go, but was it just to kill innocent children - how did their mothers feel? And all the soldiers that were following Pharoah's orders and then drowned in the Red Sea? I'm sorry to keep rambling on. I'm not trying to discredit God. I'm just very upset. I don't want to walk away from Him. I don't want to live my life without Him and I definitely don't want to die without Him. I just don't know what to do. I've prayed countless times that He would give me the faith to believe and trust Him. I've prayed for deliverance from the doubts and from the depression I've felt throughout my life. I've asked Him to change my heart and help me to see as He does. Nothing changes. I'm at the point where I just don't know anymore. The Bible says you can't believe apart from God giving you the faith, but if you don't believe it's your fault and you go to hell. It also says God predestines who will believe and hardens the hearts of some. He has mercy on some and not on others. How is that just? Yet we're not supposed to question. I've read Job many times and always wondered why God allowed Satan to torture this man that God knew was faithful and loved Him. What did He have to prove to Satan at the expense of Job? I've read Job's faith grew through this trial, but he lost his family. And I think the greatest struggle and torture for Job was feeling God had abandoned him. In his greatest time of need, God was silent. I'm getting older. I know illness and death are coming closer. How do I trust my God when I see apparent evidence of Him abandoning people at their deepest need? It scares me. And I don't think anyone but God has the answer - and He's not letting me know what that answer is, or even giving me the peace to accept what I don't understand. What do I do?