Hello, Silmarien, and welcome to CF.
I noticed your comments, and I just wanted to say that if you'd like to drop by
TAW (The Ancient Way) which is the Eastern Orthodox forum, you'd be welcome to post in fellowship. Not trying to proselytize - we don't try to drag people in but we want them to have eyes fully open and decide on their own.

But I just wanted to say that even though we are a congregational forum, we are generally pretty welcoming. Though with it being Great Lent, we might not be at our best. The fast always often tends to be a spiritually intense time.
Believe it or not, I understand that fear, I think. I was discussing such things with my priest a few days ago. Our motives can be important, but the good (or maybe bad, depending on your perspective?) thing is that it's not so much like a switch that goes on and off, but more like layers and depths. And God grants intimacy at times, then pulls back during our process of growth.
Christian mysticism is wonderful and inspiring. But it has its risks too. Do you like reading the Desert Fathers, or some of the more recent Saints on that? The only thing is, we practice this under spiritual guidance. It can lead to very serious spiritual problems to attempt them on our own.
But again, welcome to CF.

I pray you are blessed by being here.