Why do you think some people give the childfree a hard time?

[Amélie Unbound]

I was just contemplating the flack some of us get for being childfree. Why do you think some people feel the need to give us a hard time or question our choices? Why do they even care?

I've been thinking that maybe some people who have kids feel threatened by those of us who are happy without kids, as if they're afraid that seeing our happiness will make them less satisfied with their own lives as parents.

I'm reminded of something Adamjai said in another thread:

I've gotten the weirdest looks from women, some combination of horror and realization all at once. "How could you not want kids?! Wait a minute, I didn't have to have kids?!"

I think she may have hit the nail on the head. Some people grow up thinking they're supposed to get married and have a bunch of kids, and when they meet someone who hasn't followed that pattern and yet is actually happy in life, it can be quite an eye-opener.

I know I've had women look at me all wide-eyed and say, "I can't imagine life without my kids!" And I suspect that they're afraid to try, because some thoughts might come to mind that would make them uncomfortable. Which is fair enough. I'm not suggesting that anyone should have regrets about having children. That wouldn't be productive.

Any other thoughts or ideas about why some people even care whether others have children or not? Give me your theories!

 

[HeyHomie]

I think it's a variety of reasons. First and foremost is ignorance. People are raised to believe that you get married and have kids: it's the Life Script. They don't separate the "get married" and "have kids," and they're shocked and threatened when they meet someone who has.

I think another problem is that some people just take it personally. Pretend I'm a childed person, and follow my logic on this. If you don't have kids, then that must mean you don't like kids. If you don't like kids, then you must not like my kids. And if you dislike my kids, then you've insulted me.

And then, of course, there are the busybodies who can't seem to help inserting themselves into everyone else's business. If THEY believe that God commands THEM to have kids, then God is commanding YOU to have kids as well.

 

[indra_fanatic]

Combo of people realizing they have ruined their lives with kids and pronatalist jihadists who think God orders everyone to crank out a litter.

 

[Crazy Liz]

[bible]genesis 1:28[/bible]

To what degree have we been trained to look for commandments in the Bible? (Even when they are really blessings using imperative syntax)

To what degree do we feel obligated to inform our fellow Christians of what we see as commandments from God and encourage others to follow them?

To what degree do we feel obligated to express our disapproval of fellow Christians who do not live up to the standards we feel are set by God?

Are there issues you give people a hard time over? Do you ever question other people's choices? Does that make you an evil jihadist WRT those issues?

I think this question brings up good food for thought. Thinking about the kinds of issues that would lead you to question another person's choice could give some good clues, both to answer this question and to more constructive ways to respond.

 

[indra_fanatic]

To what degree have we been trained to look for commandments in the Bible? (Even when they are really blessings using imperative syntax)

That has always been my main defense of childfreedom. Any unbiased reading shows that God's proclamation to increase in number was intended as a gift/reward. God told fish and birds to multiply too, and they hardly have a conscious way of obeying that. Are we sinning by having our pets spayed and neutered?

Does that make you an evil jihadist WRT those issues?

I privately acknowledged that I am rather polarized on this issue and wanted some less heated input. I will confess that to the eyes of most I probably am a jihadist for the childfree cause, but most of that is because I think we have been shoved around and mistreated for far too long.

That still doesn't mean I consider myself such. Militant pronatalists demand that everyone have a child--sometimes huge numbers of them. I have yet to see one of us saying that no one should get pregnant ever again, even though I truly am convinced that upwards of 75% of those who are planning on eventual parenthood do so for entirely peer pressure-based reasons.

However, I will take this time to confess that I have, on at least one occasion, given a young lady I was interested in an unjustifiably hard time about her own calling to be a mother. I don't have any excuses, I was being a jerk, plain and simple.

 

[Crazy Liz]

God told fish and birds to multiply too, and they hardly have a conscious way of obeying that. Are we sinning by having our pets spayed and neutered?

LOL!

Good one!

 

[HeyHomie]

[bible]genesis 1:28[/bible]

To what degree have we been trained to look for commandments in the Bible? (Even when they are really blessings using imperative syntax)

To what degree do we feel obligated to inform our fellow Christians of what we see as commandments from God and encourage others to follow them?

To what degree do we feel obligated to express our disapproval of fellow Christians who do not live up to the standards we feel are set by God?

Are there issues you give people a hard time over? Do you ever question other people's choices? Does that make you an evil jihadist WRT those issues?

I think this question brings up good food for thought. Thinking about the kinds of issues that would lead you to question another person's choice could give some good clues, both to answer this question and to more constructive ways to respond.

First of all, a "blessing with imperative syntax" in NOT a command. So the entire idea that we are obligated to correct fellow Christians who are not living up to God's standards, at least in regard to this area, is completely wrong.

Secondly, under no circumstances are anyone's reproductive choices anyone else's business. Never. So yes, that makes someone.... well, not necessarily an "evil jihadist," but definitely an "annoying busybody."

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Are there issues you give people a hard time over?

No! I absolutely never give other people a hard time about their choices or life circumstances or anything else. I believe that other people's choices are between them and God. The only time I would say anything would be if they asked me for my opinion.

 

[Epoh99]

No! I absolutely never give other people a hard time about their choices or life circumstances or anything else. I believe that other people's choices are between them and God. The only time I would say anything would be if they asked me for my opinion.

Good for you Orchard! I'm the same way. I NEVER bug people about having kids, not having kids, dating, getting married, working at a particular job...as long as they feel they are doing God's will, as you said, it's between them and God.

 

[indra_fanatic]

A monkeywrench to throw in your framework of tolerance though:

when is it acceptable to step in and make a judgment about another Christian's reproductive choices? If Mr. and Mrs. Smith, your friends, are on their seventh pregnancy and are bringing up their other six kids in utter poverty--all because they believe God is ordering them to keep generating more young 'uns, is there not a moral obligation to say something about the insanity transpiring?

 

[snoochface]

Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread. I feel like I have a lot to say, and since I lean toward the verbose anyway, I'll try to be succinct.

I said this in another thread, but I believe it's true: I think that we who don't feel the pull to be parents are in the minority of the general population. Meaning, we're the weird ones - most of society, for whatever reason, want to be parents. Maybe it's because they always felt they were supposed to, but I think for the most part it's because most people feel a strong, natural urge to procreate.

I think that urge IS natural and is given by God for a reason. Imagine if that wasn't the norm - the earth wouldn't be very populated. So for the majority, wanting children and feeling the tug toward parenthood is like being thirsty and wanting a drink of water.

And when people hear us talk about how we don't feel that pull, we don't have that desire, well... it's hard for them to comprehend how we would never get thirsty, or never want water when we do. It's just that natural for them. They can't imagine not having such a need.

But - I think I've also said this elsewhere, so forgive me if I'm being repetitive - we don't want them judging our choices. So I don't think we should judge their choices. So to answer indra_fanatic's question, if Mr. and Mrs. Smith are living in poverty and expecting their seventh pregnancy, no I do not feel any obligation whatsoever to say something to them about it. It's not my business, it's not my right, and I sure as he..ck would not want them saying anything to me about not "trusting God" enough to be willing to have a child. They are trusting God to care for them and their kids - more power to them for that. God said he would always provide, as he does for the sparrows and the lillies, so who am I to say otherwise?

I do feel that we are obligated to rebuke in a loving way when our brothers and sisters sin. I can't find the verse right now, but I know it's in there. Key words, though: sin, and love. Like, if my friend starts cheating on his wife, I should say something about that, in a loving and kind way, and encourage him to find a way to work out the issues that led him to that point. I don't think I consider something like that to be giving someone a "hard time". I think it's what we're supposed to do with each other.

The differences I see are a) not having children is not a sin; and b) when we are "rebuked" for it, it's oftentimes not in the most loving way.

Yeah, so much for being succinct.

 

[Oblivious]

Ignorance first and foremost, and honestly, I think a bit of jealously too. I personally know of several people who are jeslous of the fact that we have nice cars, nice "toys", aren't strapped down by children (and I don't mean that in a bad way ), etc. etc.