Why can't I find God?

[1whoseeks]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I don't know anyone... but, I'll tell you a bit about myself and maybe you can help to point me in the right direction? I posted in the 'Non-Christian' forums even though technically I was raised a Christian and I used to believe. I have drifted away from God and haven't spoken to him in 20 years -- so, I feel like a non-believer.

My parents were devout Christians and I was "saved" in 1978. I attended church up until I was 16 yrs. old and I guess that I used to have faith. My parents were missionaries for awhile and they knew many missionaries. Growing up I would say that I had a pretty strong believe in God and the church. When I was 16 I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol and continued to use them regularly until I was about 28. I have pretty much stopped using them regularly since then and I have slipped occasionally -- like every couple of months or so (I'm 33 now). I try to stay away from places where my former 'friends' hang out because when I'm with them I only start to drink and do drugs again. But, I've been totally straight for about 2 months now and haven't touched any drugs.

I moved around a lot in my life. I am now in the 6th State and I've moved more times than I can remember. This has been hard for me because I've never gotten to really meet a good set of friends. Everything in my life has been transient. I meet people and then a few years later I'm moving on again.... so now I don't even bother looking for real friends. I just meet people on the Internet. They are the only ones who are "permanent" for me. Even though I move around physically my friends online remain the same and I can always find them again.

I guess that I'm confused and looking for something permanent? I feel there is a void in my life and I've tried to fill it in anyway that I can. Lately I've been thinking that the thing that is missing is probably God? Whenever I go to church I feel like I don't belong there. There are lots of happy people talking about what God has done for them or how He has changed their lives. I never have felt this way. I don't think that God has ever shown himself to me or changed my life in any way. Some people talk about miraculous changes -- one day they were empty and the next day God filled them with love. Unfortunately, he's never done this for me. I still feel like the same lonely, confused person that I've always been. I am an outcast and a loner.... nobody has ever been able to relate to me (and I haven't really been able to relate to others either). So, I go about my day-to-day life and try to find something or someplace that will make me happy. But, nothing ever does.

For many years I was very angry. I blamed everything bad in my life on God. I figured if he really cared -- he would do something to change my situation. But, nothing ever changed. Eventually, I stopped being angry with him and started to just ignore him. We had an understanding of somesort.... I never talked to Him and He never talked to me. So, 8 months ago I moved again to a new location and took a new job. I moved 3,000 miles across the USA and settled in a new place without knowing a single person in the area. I figured maybe it would be a good chance to try to start over again. I tried going to church a couple of times. But, as usual, I was the lone weirdo in the back that nobody wants to talk to. I'm not a happy, outgoing person like everyone else around me. I tend to be quiet and keep to myself. If someone talks to me, I'll talk back. But, I'm not the type that goes up to strangers and starts a conversation in real life. (Online is a different story.... I have an Internet persona that is very outgoing and thousands of people know me).

So, I guess that I'm wondering what I should do? I want to find God again but I don't know where to start. I've been away for so long that I feel like I don't know where to begin. How can I have a "close and personal relationship" with God like other people talk about? How do they get God to listen to them? Does He talk back to them? If so.... how do they know that He is talking back to them? I'm not expecting to see a burning bush with a voice coming out of it -- but, it would be nice to get some reassurance that God is listening to me and that he cares.

Well... that is all that I have to say for now. Any advice would be appreciated.

1whoseeks

 

[Jkurtz]

Read Saved through his Grace. If you wish I can council you in anything you wish. Privately of course. I will make it my mission to draw you so near to God you won't know what hit you. He can let you see a great wide world full of adventure. And Marvels you only yet dream of. He can make everyday of your life better than the day before.

There may be many reasons you drew away from God. the devil. Lack of faith, other peoples opinions. But to explain God in full, he is very much a gentleman. He can tell when you wish him to step back. And when he knows you want him to. He does. He can get farther and farther away. But the moment you call for him. Boom, he's there. Try it.

Just ask. Say God, Draw near to me in the name of Jesus (this name has power) Fill me with the spirit. And it will happen if you wish it.

 

[TheThirdLink]

 

[rambler]

Hi,

Don't give up..

I know where you're coming from, I've been through many of the same things and am still struggling as well. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, too. I gave up on becoming close to people, because the pain of parting became too hurtful to live with. After growing up, I just kept on moving, searching for I don't know what, but in reality longing desparately for something permanent and real in life, some rock I could hang my hat on, so to speak. Yet it seemed impossible because inside I was dealing with a world nobody else could reach. I felt damaged and broken. Everyone seemed so comparatively happy, content, and unquestioning, so sure of who they were, never questioning their own purpose and value, or their place in life; while I was a perpetual stranger and outsider, struggling with the demons of past lives, not even knowing who I was anymore, or why I was here. I also sometimes had to fight with people who thought a new person from the outside, with no one to stand up for them, was an easy target. I started using drugs on and off at age 13, very heavily at times, just to get out of my own skin, I think. I'm 44 now, almost 45, and have just started to come to terms with all of these experiences in the last few years. So you are not alone. I really feel for what you are going through.

I also prayed desparately many times for a revelation of some sort. Or I prayed that God would send a beautiful, loving woman to guide me into a Christian life. There is a reason for a person to long for these kinds of things.. I think it has to do with who we really are inside. I also have never had a "magic" moment of transformation.. that's just not who I am, so it's not going to happen that way. I am too much a sceptic, too afraid of disappointment. I also do not feel the need to be a member of a group.. I'm used to being on my own. I don't want to argue with people or be questioned about doctrine.. or be drawn into those kinds of disputes. I get ****ed, because in the end it seems like you always have to swallow someone's kool-aid in order to be "a christian". It really ticks me off when I start thinking about it.

But keep trying. Just open the Bible every night before you go to bed and read a bit. For some of us it's a slower and more deliberate process. I don't think we have to have a sudden revelation or become a different person overnight. It takes time to sort these things out. There are a lot of things to think through, and a lot of searching of the heart. Keep trying, because I think it's worth it. I do feel at heart that Christ has a purpose for us, and that if we examine our lives, we'll come to terms with it.

best to you -

rambler

 

[Jkurtz]

Hi,

Don't give up..

I know where you're coming from, I've been through many of the same things and am still struggling as well. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, too. I gave up on becoming close to people, because the pain of parting became too hurtful to live with. After growing up, I just kept on moving, searching for I don't know what, but in reality longing desparately for something permanent and real in life, some rock I could hang my hat on, so to speak. Yet it seemed impossible because inside I was dealing with a world nobody else could reach. I felt damaged and broken. Everyone seemed so comparatively happy, content, and unquestioning, so sure of who they were, never questioning their own purpose and value, or their place in life; while I was a perpetual stranger and outsider, struggling with the demons of past lives, not even knowing who I was anymore, or why I was here. I also sometimes had to fight with people who thought a new person from the outside, with no one to stand up for them, was an easy target. I started using drugs on and off at age 13, very heavily at times, just to get out of my own skin, I think. I'm 44 now, almost 45, and have just started to come to terms with all of these experiences in the last few years. So you are not alone. I really feel for what you are going through.

I also prayed desparately many times for a revelation of some sort. Or I prayed that God would send a beautiful, loving woman to guide me into a Christian life. There is a reason for a person to long for these kinds of things.. I think it has to do with who we really are inside. I also have never had a "magic" moment of transformation.. that's just not who I am, so it's not going to happen that way. I am too much a sceptic, too afraid of disappointment. I also do not feel the need to be a member of a group.. I'm used to being on my own. I don't want to argue with people or be questioned about doctrine.. or be drawn into those kinds of disputes. I get ****ed, because in the end it seems like you always have to swallow someone's kool-aid in order to be "a christian". It really ticks me off when I start thinking about it.

But keep trying. Just open the Bible every night before you go to bed and read a bit. For some of us it's a slower and more deliberate process. I don't think we have to have a sudden revelation or become a different person overnight. It takes time to sort these things out. There are a lot of things to think through, and a lot of searching of the heart. Keep trying, because I think it's worth it. I do feel at heart that Christ has a purpose for us, and that if we examine our lives, we'll come to terms with it.

best to you -

rambler

You stand in the arms of an eternal relationship. The arms of Forever. Why would you feel the pain of parting when God is with you always. However, humanly speaking. I see where you're coming from. So what makes Cf good is you never have to leave them, you talk from anywhere. Form some bonds on here.

 

[Mother Vashti]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I don't know anyone... but, I'll tell you a bit about myself and maybe you can help to point me in the right direction? I posted in the 'Non-Christian' forums even though technically I was raised a Christian and I used to believe. I have drifted away from God and haven't spoken to him in 20 years -- so, I feel like a non-believer.
I don't think that God has ever shown himself to me or changed my life in any way. Some people talk about miraculous changes -- one day they were empty and the next day God filled them with love. Unfortunately, he's never done this for me. I still feel like the same lonely, confused person that I've always been. I am an outcast and a loner.... nobody has ever been able to relate to me (and I haven't really been able to relate to others either). So, I go about my day-to-day life and try to find something or someplace that will make me happy. But, nothing ever does.

For many years I was very angry. I blamed everything bad in my life on God. I figured if he really cared -- he would do something to change my situation. But, nothing ever changed. Eventually, I stopped being angry with him and started to just ignore him. We had an understanding of somesort.... I never talked to Him and He never talked to me.

So, I guess that I'm wondering what I should do? I want to find God again but I don't know where to start. it would be nice to get some reassurance that God is listening to me and that he cares.

The problem here is that you're willing to recieve from God, but you don't have any plans to return his love. A servant's approach will make all the difference -- your soul will never be satisfied until it is allowed to express spiritual purpose. You're just going to have to get over your insecurities that God means to harm you, and have a little faith in his justice and giving heart.

As for being lonely, do you like chocolate? Because *ahem* I love driftwoods

 

[Jkurtz]

The problem here is that you're willing to recieve from God, but you don't have any plans to return his love. A servant's approach will make all the difference -- your soul will never be satisfied until it is allowed to express spiritual purpose. You're just going to have to get over your insecurities that God means to harm you, and have a little faith in his justice and giving heart.

As for being lonely, do you like chocolate? Because *ahem* I love driftwoods

Well said. When you accept God's will for your life and do his bidding (all of it) Your love of life will increase adn your reward will be waiting.

 

[1whoseeks]

Thanks Jkurtz and rambler. I appreciate you responding. I prayed the prayer that you posted Jkurtz and I have asked God to become closer to me. rambler you made me feel a lot better knowing that there are other people out there who feel the same way that I do. I really am glad that you posted your response. I always figured it was me and me alone who felt this way.

I read the "Saved through His Grace!" sermon that you wrote Jkurtz. I found it to be quite inspirational. The only questions that I still have are about that "magic moment" that rambler was talking about. In your sermon you talked about these people:

Saul of Tarsus
James (brother of Jesus)
Lew Wallace
C.S. Lewis

All of them had a "magical moment" when they did a 180 degree turnaround. God came over them and overwhelmed them and radically changed their life (instantly it would seem). Why is it that some people feel this radical change? I've been looking for it for years and it has never come for me. These people were hard-core persecutors, athiests, agnostics, an non-believers. And, in a single instance, God made himself known to them and changed the course of their lives.

I also prayed the prayer in your sermon:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be and let your Spirit dwell in meAnd, I wait for him to "take control of my life".

How does Jesus "make" you the kind of person he wants you to be?

What does it feel like when his Spirit dwells in you?

After reading the entire sermon I still have one question that was not answered sufficiently:

What does it mean to have a personal relationship with Christ, and in what way does it impact our lives?

How do you have a "personal relationship" with Christ? A relationship implies a two way communication. I talk to him and ask him to help me. I invite him to take control of my life. He in turn offers to give me eternal life and take away my sin. But, how do I interact with Jesus on a daily basis? How does he answer when I talk to him?

Sorry if I seem so dense. This is just the part of Christianity that I have never been able to understand. I will take rambler's advice and start to read from the Bible every night. Maybe you guys can pray for me as I start to figure out what it means to have a personal relationship with God.

Thank you.

1whoseeks

 

[1whoseeks]

Well said. When you accept God's will for your life and do his bidding (all of it) Your love of life will increase adn your reward will be waiting.

So, how exactly do I do his bidding? Do you hear him asking you to do things? How does he talk to you?

 

[Jkurtz]

To Put it bluntly in all terms. You were scared to give this radical Change a chance. That's the only reason. You were afraid of what it would either mean giving up, or what it would cause. Don't be araid. Give your all and Say Here I am, take me! Than go on living your life and feel better.

How do you have a "personal relationship" with Christ? A relationship implies a two way communication. I talk to him and ask him to help me. I invite him to take control of my life. He in turn offers to give me eternal life and take away my sin. But, how do I interact with Jesus on a daily basis? How does he answer when I talk to him?

Sorry if I seem so dense. This is just the part of Christianity that I have never been able to understand. I will take rambler's advice and start to read from the Bible every night. Maybe you guys can pray for me as I start to figure out what it means to have a personal relationship with God.

Worship. Worship, Worship, Worship, Worship. This allows the spirit to access you at all times. When the spirit access' your heart, your soul and your mind. He will begin to talk to you. And when he talks to you, that's when you start getting the gifts of the spirit. Prayer you seem to have down. When you have the spirit in you vividly. You can hear God's voice in Prayer much easier.

If you really want this personal relationship more than anything else. Than you'll be willing to spend money. Go out and by a CD called Hillsong United, To The ends of the earth. It's an incredible worship CD and will impact you. This will get you in the worship mood.

Blessings and i will try to contact you daily to see how things are working.

I care for you.

 

[Mother Vashti]

For me, it was a really strange "pulling out" experience. I didn't enjoy many of the old things I used to practice, I felt urgency and purpose towards spiritual matters, and I felt disconnection between myself and other certain persons.

Your first post indicates that, inspite of steps you've taken to 'invite Christ in', there are real barriers which you have not torn down, and believe me when I say they bar his entrance. Instead of telling him to come into you -- which is something you're clearly not ready to let happen -- have simpler but deeper conversations with God. Express yourself honestly.

 

[1whoseeks]

Than go on living your life and feel better.

I'm feeling a bit better already just talking to you about this.

If you really want this personal relationship more than anything else. Than you'll be willing to spend money. Go out and by a CD called Hillsong United

Thanks for the tip. I added to my wish list on Amazon... but, I don't have the money to buy this now. I will check it out when I do.

 

[1whoseeks]

Instead of telling him to come into you -- which is something you're clearly not ready to let happen -- have simpler but deeper conversations with God. Express yourself honestly.

I'm trying to work on this. But, I never know what to say. I appreciate all of the advice everyone has given me here tonight. Thank you for listening and helping me.

 

[rambler]

Howdy again, 1whoseeks,

I was actually kind of embarrassed by my post and was going to log back in and erase it.. but I'm glad it helped to know that there are others going through this struggle.

I am also not a "declared" Christian, but I'd like to say a few things to you:

1. Don't use drugs. You'll do a lot better with everything if you retain your health. If this means you have to give up some "friends", then do it. It's a matter of your survival.

2. Even if you aren't a Christian, ask yourself whether anything you've come across in this life can compare to the teachings of Jesus Christ.

All I can tell you is at this point, when I listen to Jesus, I feel that I am on the path of life, the right path, a path that God has offered for my salvation. When I go back to my own path, the path of man, I know in my heart that I can't be fulfilled on this path, that there is nothing at the end. The mind of man easily encompasses more than man can fulfill. Yet I know that it is difficult to let go of the idea that we can fulfill this cup of life on our own.

Keep trying, my friend. One thing you have to admit about Jesus, he knew what it was to be a man and to have this struggle.

best to you -

rambler

ps - there is also a lot on the Old Testament to help a guy get through the struggles of everyday life. And by the way, I'll pray for you. Imagine me, and unbeliever, doing that ;o)

 

[Bevlina]

So, how exactly do I do his bidding? Do you hear him asking you to do things? How does he talk to you?

Let The Holy Spirit guide you from now on. You see, when you were saved, you became a part of the Family of God. And, Jesus holds His Own in the Palm of His Hand. Yes, you can stray...but, you will always come back to Jesus, and God. The Holy Spirit has guided you here to meet folk who will help you, and reach out to you.
I think you are closer to God that you think. Jesus said "Seek and you will find".
And, I believe you are to be commended. You, and Rambler are honest, and sincere. And...it is no crime to be shy.

 

[Jkurtz]

Well it's good you're feeling better. I really think we should continue this in PM though. But we can continue where you wish.

As for Before Mother Vashti is very right you need to maintain honesty with God. If you love something, sin or good tell him. If you want him in your life. tell him. I'm not sure if you're ready to tear down all barriers and give God you're all. But we'll try when you think you're ready.

 

[Jkurtz]

Hi Bev!!

Just counselling a new found friend.

 

[Bevlina]

Hi Bev!!

Just counselling a new found friend.

Hi JK!! And, you are doing a wonderful job too! Keep it up!

 

[Bevlina]

Howdy again, 1whoseeks,

I was actually kind of embarrassed by my post and was going to log back in and erase it.. but I'm glad it helped to know that there are others going through this struggle.

I am also not a "declared" Christian, but I'd like to say a few things to you:

1. Don't use drugs. You'll do a lot better with everything if you retain your health. If this means you have to give up some "friends", then do it. It's a matter of your survival.

2. Even if you aren't a Christian, ask yourself whether anything you've come across in this life can compare to the teachings of Jesus Christ.

All I can tell you is at this point, when I listen to Jesus, I feel that I am on the path of life, the right path, a path that God has offered for my salvation. When I go back to my own path, the path of man, I know in my heart that I can't be fulfilled on this path, that there is nothing at the end. The mind of man easily encompasses more than man can fulfill. Yet I know that it is difficult to let go of the idea that we can fulfill this cup of life on our own.

Keep trying, my friend. One thing you have to admit about Jesus, he knew what it was to be a man and to have this struggle.

best to you -

rambler

ps - there is also a lot on the Old Testament to help a guy get through the struggles of everyday life. And by the way, I'll pray for you. Imagine me, and unbeliever, doing that ;o)

Rambler. Never feel embarrassed by what you post. You have been honest and very sincere and we appreciate that very much.

 

[1whoseeks]

I feel that I am on the path of life, the right path, a path that God has offered for my salvation. When I go back to my own path, the path of man, I know in my heart that I can't be fulfilled on this path, that there is nothing at the end.

I know what you mean. I have felt this way before and it always makes me feel bad. I get onto my own path and I know that it is a road to nowhere. I've been going down that road for years and still haven't gotten anywhere. So, I'm trying something different. I'm going to try God's path again. Thanks for all your kind words.