When others do wrong, why should we mind our own business?

[DoubleNature]

I am loosing my mind over this problem. I feel like it's me against the world. (have discussed about this extensively with my friends and nobody - NOBODY - agrees with me, and I simply can't see the logic of it.... I feel that my opinion on this will make me loose many friends...)

Suppose you know a man and a woman.
You know that this man is a thief.
You know he stole from the woman.
You tell the thief that it's wrong to steal. Yet he doesn't stop.
Is it right or not to tell the woman?

Now, suppose that what he "stole" was her trust.
She gave her trust and he cheated on her and is willing to keep doing so.

My cousin (typical "player") has a girlfriend since 1 year and a half. He boasts about cheating on her all the time, and yet about being able to manipulate her to stay faithful to him. He boasts about going on holidays and having one different woman a day, and still she is faithful to him.
He even forces her not to make friends with specific people who might know about his affairs.
Isn't it unfair that she doesn't know?

This is just ONE example of many in which I personally feel that according to my values and principles, I must stop such people from being rewarded for what they do, for getting away with the bad things they do simply because the other person doesn't know it.

Most people say not to interfere because it's their business, it's their partnership etc. But somehow I find it unfair that the suffering person doesn't even KNOW what is happening to her.

I've been accused as thinking myself as a moral superhero and many other things. All I want to see is transparency, honesty and fairness in the world.

It's unfair that people get away with the bad things they do.
So, what's wrong with hampering their dishonest behavior?

 

[heron]

Eventually people will appreciate your passion for truth and justice, after they get burned enough times.

There are certain circumstances where you could report offenses to officials who are trained to deal with it. Then it is not you, but some anonymous information leak.

Since you know where your friends stand, and it's causing dissension, then just talk with them about other things. And do something about it. You are the one with the conviction over it, so you should be the one to act.

Tell the woman.

If there is a theft, tell the police.

If there is an affair, tell the woman. Then talk to the cousin. She needs to make a rational decision based on facts, not on blind trust. She appears a fool if everyone knows except her.

You need to survive in your environment, but you can't base all your decisions on whether people will like you or not. Just do what you feel convicted you need to do, and be willing to accept the consequences.
(Plan a trip out of town, lol.)

 

[White_Wizard]

I agree with the above member here. You need to do what you feel convicted to do rather than listen to anybody else.

I think it is clear that this is an issue of honesty as you suggested, rather than minding your own business as everyone else has made you to think. Put simply, you are not being judgemental by simply allowing the woman to be aware that she is being cheated on by her husband or partner. It is her right to know in this case.

I dated a girl for a few months that cheated on me and lied about it for the longest of time. She wouldn't even admit it when I found out about behind her back. Yet it was selfish of her to keep it from me from the very beginning. It hurt me even more to know that she did not want to come clean about it. A relationship is supposed to be about love and trust, not about good feelings.

 

[gzt]

This isn't theft. Don't do that.

If they're married, definitely tell.

If not, well, it depends on how well you know them.

 

[bsd31]

First go to the offender and try to reason with them. Then if they are unwilling to listen and unrepentant go with another brother to confront them and then if they still persist rebuke them openly.

 

[White_Wizard]

First go to the offender and try to reason with them. Then if they are unwilling to listen and unrepentant go with another brother to confront them and then if they still persist rebuke them openly.

I agree that the one doing the cheating should be confronted about their problem, but in this case, I think a bit of common sense may also apply. Since people that cheat seem to not care about their actions unless they are caught by the person that they are cheating on, it would seem unwise to catch this person in their act and then not have them bring it up with the other person. Having others confront the person may only make it worse if they don't seem to believe their actions are a problem, but in this case, getting to the bottom of things can help. Even if it does require two or more people to confront the person.

 

[Autumnleaf]

In situations like this the person usually knows. If you tell them the other person will say you are a liar. Then the person who knows will usually side with the cheater because they can't admit it to themselves. Then you will be the bad guy for telling lies about the cheater.

 

[Forealzchola]

You'd be surprised what happens when you help...in the case of your cousin's gf you will be surprised that if you told her the following, she probably wouldnt even believe you and thats sad.so all you can do is do you part...tell her ..if she doesnt listen oh well...i have warned people about their man coming at me.and the female didnt believe me..and that was her chance then...so yea

 

[Avniel]

Your going to tell on your cousin? I dont know about that, thats family.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Your going to tell on your cousin? I dont know about that, thats family.

Bros before....?

 

[Avniel]

Bros before....?

LOL I mean that's how I always lived it lol(but you said it before me).

To thread starter
But naw thats not even one of the bros that's your cousin......blood cousin......yall family.....that seems like playa hating to me. I have never told on anybody for cheating unless they were cheating on family. But never the reverse.

Thats just none of his business, its not even his place to enter other people's problems. Its all kind of highschoolish, why invite drama in your life?

 

[Pleeyaize]

When others do wrong, why should we mind our own business?

...well, depending on who the "others" are - it really may be none of your business.

If someone you didn't know came up to you and told you you'd done something wrong - how would you respond? A typical response might be - "Who in the world are you?" ...implying, "by what right do you presume to admonish me?"

I think it's more a question of practicality, propriety, and presumption than it is telling the truth.

Practicality: if you haven't an established relationship with the person - you're more likely to alienate them than you are to win them over to the truth. What's the goal - proclaiming the truth, or winning a soul to the truth? Practically speaking, without some form of a relationship with the person, candidly proclaiming the truth about some sin they're engaged in will only alienate them.

Propriety: Children may be innocent and therefore get away with naively blurting out some truth - but most frequently their doing so deeply embrasses the person involved. An embarassed person will typically become a defensive person to save face. Improperly admonishing someone will alienate them, not correct.

Presumption: Truly, by what right do we presume to tell someone they're doing something wrong? I submit that it is only by right of relationship we are able to do so. Relationship does not imply familial, or friendship alone - but it could be societal, workplace, team, membership, etc. But to tell a total stranger they're "sinning" is totally presumptuous - it presumes a right to admonish where none exists. It presumes a moral superiority - a moral arrogance that will only alienate, not correct.

I sense in your post a lot of alienation has been occurring. While the strategy may be ok (proclaiming the truth), you might want to reconsider your tactics. We are admonished to "speak the truth..." but the caveat is that we do so "...in love."

 

[Look Up]

Your circumstance, so far as I can tell, is difficult in terms of relationships and also conceptually. You apparently feel pulled between loving your neighbor as yourself (especially concerning your neighbor = your cousin's partner) and the possibility that your friends' opinion about meddling in affairs not your own may be correct. If your cousin were not involved, perhaps you would feel as if confrontation were meddling.

If the pair were married and members of a church, the church hierarchy could become involved and side with you. But the hints are strong that there is no church context. If the state tried adulterers, they could help. That seems dubious here. And your friends differ with you. No wonder you feel alone.

As to basics, it seems unclear what the contractual relationship between your cousin and his partner is. Is it marriage? Logically, this question is prior.

Interestingly, the "love your neighbor" command is used in the New Testament in different contexts and ways, but in the original source in Leviticus 19, it reads "rebuke your neighbor frankly, do not share in his (or her) sins. Love you neighbor as yourself" - or something like that.

So you have already confronted your cousin, but when applied to your cousin's partner, you might confront her about the basis of the relationship between the two. If it is not marriage, she is being sexually unfaithful too--to God and to your cousin--considering her case rather than his.

If, on the other hand, the relationship is marriage, your cousin's wife (although you did not use the terms "husband" or "wife"), there are possible grounds for divorce according to your story.

So the first thing logically is to confront your cousin's partner about the contractual relationship between the pair. What is the basis for breach of contract? What is the basis of the relationship and therefore of violations to it?

That may not be easy to determine. The relationship may be unclear, in which case your cousin may even have some legitimate room to relate to other women, but not sexually (Bible's perspective), although it seems an unfair imbalance is present.

Perhaps you and your cousin's partner could discuss what the Bible has to say about marriage and sexual unfaithfulness. That may raise questions about how far your cousin's partner is willing to accept what the Bible says or what marriage is, and therefore also how much further obligation you may have with her.

On the one hand, you may have an obligation to her. On the other, you are not the Holy Spirit, and your responsibilities over the sins of others have limits.

I cannot tell you what to do, partly because I am not privy to all the necessary details or witness to anything more than your words. It may be, as has been suggested, that your cousin's partner already knows half the story, and has quietly accepted it, even if with reservations or some level of anger and fear.

May the Lord give you wisdom.

 

[singpeace]

DoubleNature,

I agree such playa-style behavior is outrageous, stupid, and dangerous.

First let me tell you that the 'playa's' girlfriend KNOWS what's going on. She may seem ignorant and blind, but she DOES know.

Second, YES, the playa is in sin; and YES, you should be angry.
But, Jesus strongly warns us about passing judgment upon/bringing public attention to someone else's sin.

Whatever measure you use in your judgment on 'playa', is the same measure that will be used on you, when your own sin will be brought to light/made public by someone who judges you... then, that person will have it done to them.

Consider the woman caught in adultery by the 'religious leaders'. They exposed her and stood in judgment of her, believing they were less guilty because of who they were.

How did Christ treat her?

Now look at how Christ treated the Pharisees... the ones who passed judgment...

Just think about it and pray and seek the Word first. Make sure you have a clear understanding of what Christ would do in this situation. Then be like Christ.

I hope you are praying for 'playa' and his girlfriend. . . and all others who have become intimately involved in this situation. God loves your playa with all his heart. He died for him the same as He died for you and me.

 

[sbbqb7n16]

What I see, is you wanting to punish this guy for being that way. There is some serious anger in your post - and I don't think it's just about honesty and the truth for you.

I sense you wanting to see him get what's coming to him.



A wise God once said:
'Vengeance is Mine, and retribution, In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their calamity is near, And the impending things are hastening upon them.'
Deuteronomy 32:35

 

[Avniel]

What I see, is you wanting to punish this guy for being that way. There is some serious anger in your post - and I don't think it's just about honesty and the truth for you.

I sense you wanting to see him get what's coming to him.



A wise God once said:
'Vengeance is Mine, and retribution, In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their calamity is near, And the impending things are hastening upon them.'
Deuteronomy 32:35

Exactly you can't do God's job for him. Everything in the darkness is brought in the light. And truthfully someone else sin isnt really his business or his issue.

That's what makes the thread starter COME OFF(didnt say he was one before everyone jumps on me) as a playa hater. He really has no business in the situation other then that was his cousin.

Is it jealousy drawing him to tell? Is he attracted to the girlfriend? Does he wish he could be a playa? How does he know he's even cheating you know how many guys lie about cheating on their girlfriends but when she snaps a finger they jump. Does she cheat on him?


Its not his job, its not his duty, he doesn't have the right.

This is why I have a hard time confiding in people in the church, they talk to much its idle gossip.

 

[DoubleNature]

Some general remarks:
1. "Bro's before..." is a social norm I attribute to the Mafia. I put my values and God before any human relationship, whether man or woman, whether family or not. If my brother commits a crime, I'll be the first to tell the police. I want to be treated the same way.
2. At the same time, I could say that my sense of family is extended to the whole world, i.e. I feel that everyone is our brothers and sisters, all are children of God, and what happens to one person affects the other. We're all connected. This is not just religion but logic: if you let promiscuous people be promiscuous and mind your business, you still have a higher chance that your partner might give you STDs, since both you, the non-promiscuous and the promiscuous are part of the same world and we interact with each other all the time. Let others cut trees, and you'll also have less oxygen. Let others drive cars freely, and you'll also get respiratory disorders. Let others get away with crime, and you may also be involved next time. We're all connected.
3. My family has taught me to lie very often as a kid (white lies of course, but still, lies) and the instinct to lie is so deeply ingrained in me that I need to forcefully and openly rebuke it when it is in me or around me. I consider my opennness and directness to be a trait I need in order to discipline myself as well, so I remember that if I am tempted to sin.
4. Of course I "hate" playas. I don't hide it. I consider them to be Satan's followers since they commit sin deliberately and consciously play games on other people just to get laid. The recent rise in literature about seduction and "picking up" (which, unfortunately, I also read during one phase of my life) just shows how easily men can be encouraged to follow Satan's ways...

Whatever measure you use in your judgment on 'playa', is the same measure that will be used on you, when your own sin will be brought to light/made public by someone who judges you... then, that person will have it done to them.

I am ready for it, and I see that as the best discipline mechanism to help me not reject temptation.

Is it jealousy drawing him to tell? Is he attracted to the girlfriend? Does he wish he could be a playa? How does he know he's even cheating you know how many guys lie about cheating on their girlfriends but when she snaps a finger they jump. Does she cheat on him?

Having been a playa in the past, I feel a kind of "calling" to stop others from doing such things, and to do so openly, to make them realize their mistake, to hinder them in their path.

In a way, I am not just telling "This guy is stealing/cheating.", but by telling it publicly, I would reduce their options of stealing again.

It's more about prevention than punishment.

 

[Forealzchola]

Im surprised some posters are calling telling on the op cousin "player hating"...are you serious? Lets see some guy cheat on your little girl.."dont hate then when he do it" You gota shake that mentality...that is of "the world" Most people attribute cheating to...physical rather than emotional especially when it comes to guys..stereotyping a bit i know...but what if his cousins gf is being exposed to stds because he is having sex with other women...that is reason alone to tell..cheaters are liars and they are manipulators and i really think they are sociopaths..they have no conciousness..this isnt you getting caught up or falling to temptation...but this dude is looking for this and then bragging about it! when you are an adult and doing these things you have a problem and dont care about anyone but yourself...you are living a lie and you are heartless...and his cousin certainly doesnt care for the girl.there is no reason for that relationship to continue...

 

[Avniel]

Some general remarks:
1. "Bro's before..." is a social norm I attribute to the Mafia. I put my values and God before any human relationship, whether man or woman, whether family or not. If my brother commits a crime, I'll be the first to tell the police. I want to be treated the same way.
2. At the same time, I could say that my sense of family is extended to the whole world, i.e. I feel that everyone is our brothers and sisters, all are children of God, and what happens to one person affects the other. We're all connected. This is not just religion but logic: if you let promiscuous people be promiscuous and mind your business, you still have a higher chance that your partner might give you STDs, since both you, the non-promiscuous and the promiscuous are part of the same world and we interact with each other all the time. Let others cut trees, and you'll also have less oxygen. Let others drive cars freely, and you'll also get respiratory disorders. Let others get away with crime, and you may also be involved next time. We're all connected.
3. My family has taught me to lie very often as a kid (white lies of course, but still, lies) and the instinct to lie is so deeply ingrained in me that I need to forcefully and openly rebuke it when it is in me or around me. I consider my opennness and directness to be a trait I need in order to discipline myself as well, so I remember that if I am tempted to sin.
4. Of course I "hate" playas. I don't hide it. I consider them to be Satan's followers since they commit sin deliberately and consciously play games on other people just to get laid. The recent rise in literature about seduction and "picking up" (which, unfortunately, I also read during one phase of my life) just shows how easily men can be encouraged to follow Satan's ways...



I am ready for it, and I see that as the best discipline mechanism to help me not reject temptation.


Having been a playa in the past, I feel a kind of "calling" to stop others from doing such things, and to do so openly, to make them realize their mistake, to hinder them in their path.

In a way, I am not just telling "This guy is stealing/cheating.", but by telling it publicly, I would reduce their options of stealing again.

It's more about prevention than punishment.

1. More so a joke however I believe something told in confidence should never be told.
2. I wouldn't know I have never had an std and my fiancee(is that how you spell it im new) is a virgin.
3. Its not your job to make other people tell the truth by putting there business out there.
4. You just said why you do it, because you hate playas.....You are a playa hater. Your not even doing this out of love but your doing it out of hatred. Thats never a good reason to do anything. That is a personal issue i hate fornication i dont hate fornicators.

If thats your calling then you dont do it out of anger or hatred but out of love. There is no love involved with what your doing. Your cousin doesn't sound like he is even saved, you should be more concerned about his eternal whereabouts more so then if he cheats on his girlfriend.


AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS YOUR BEING A BUSY BODY AND PROBABLY WILL CAUSE DRAMA IN YOUR FAMILY AND GOD ISNT THE AUTHOR OF CONFUSION

 

[Avniel]

Im surprised some posters are calling telling on the op cousin "player hating"...are you serious? Lets see some guy cheat on your little girl.."dont hate then when he do it" You gota shake that mentality...that is of "the world" Most people attribute cheating to...physical rather than emotional especially when it comes to guys..stereotyping a bit i know...but what if his cousins gf is being exposed to stds because he is having sex with other women...that is reason alone to tell..cheaters are liars and they are manipulators and i really think they are sociopaths..they have no conciousness..this isnt you getting caught up or falling to temptation...but this dude is looking for this and then bragging about it! when you are an adult and doing these things you have a problem and dont care about anyone but yourself...you are living a lie and you are heartless...and his cousin certainly doesnt care for the girl.there is no reason for that relationship to continue...

But who's responsibility is it his responsibility? Would you tell one of your friends boyfriends they were cheating? Honestly?