The issue I'm going to ask you about is neither simple nor easy. It's not short, either.
Let me start at the beginning. I came into a knowledge of the Lord at around age 18. I do not believe in particular "salvation" dates, but just know approximately the time when the Lord began his saving work on me. I see salvation as a movement of the Holy Spirit, bringing me into a knowledge of his Son and drawing me into a relationship with Him. I believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, three but one, an eternally existing god who created all things and is in all things, and through which all things have their substance. I believe he is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-sovereign.
After coming to this faith, I attended a variety of churches. I had experience with what I would call a very legalistic "fundamentalist Baptist" church. Forgive me if that offends. They demanded a great deal of control over congregants, banning things such as shorts on women, music with a beat, and going to the movie theater. I then attended a church that was highly charismatic, then a more mainstream Baptist church, then an Evangelical Presbyterian church. I became a member first at this church.
I attended college and met numerous Christian friends. I read through the Bible numerous times, became quite an amateur "Bible scholar," and participated in numerous debates, prayer groups, college Christian groups, and praise groups. I had a pretty well-rounded experience of a variety of different ways to worship God and to commune with him. Years passed. I got married, graduated college, and started working full-time as a teacher.
I struggled with a variety of issues, nothing overly serious. I often debated and tried to sway people back to the faith if they left, and I tried to learn when debate wasn't in order and simply cared for a friend. A leader of a church group once said to me, "You read and study the Bible more than anyone else I know."
Despite all of that, I have to admit that I was never content with my life. I always felt like I was screwing up. I beat myself up over even the smallest mistakes, though by far I'm not a perfectionist. I can't seem to let go of any big mistakes I've made. I never feel like I pray enough, I never feel that I'm pure enough, I never feel that I'm living to the standard I could and should be. I always feel judged by the people around me and by myself, and by God, no matter what I read to try to convince me otherwise. Sometimes, I feel like a fake living a phony lifestyle, pretending to be something I'm not.
Countless times I've "come to the cross," countless times I've gone through the "year to put guilt away." I've done a variety of things, gone to retreats, talked to pastors and elders, prayed, begged for forgiveness for a variety of things, yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm a fake, a failure, a bad person. I feel like everyone in my life is better than me, and that I don't deserve to happy, and that's why I never can be. I try to not think about it, I try to just focus on other things, but the feelings and the sensations remain.
I have so many desires that I can't shake, things the Bible would call carnal. I seem to live only for myself, and can't understand why I can't be different. Years of trying hard, years of letting go and letting God, years of trying to find a balance between the two, years of prayer, years of fellowship, and through it all nothing seems to change.
I feel like I can't play the part anymore, and pretend to be something I'm not. The Bible seems so completely empty to me, prayer couldn't be more worthless in my eyes. I've never really felt that God had done anything miraculously or even special or caring for me, that my life is just the product of my circumstances.
I came to a new church over two years ago. I live in Japan and became a member at a nearly all-Japanese church. I felt like I finally found a bit of a home... there were a lot of things that bothered me about the church, but I felt the fellowship was awesome and that this place could finally be a place where I could start to feel like I belong somewhere and to something. We had cell groups that we were very active with.
In time, it became obvious... the church was all about activities and not relationships, and that no one really ever talked to me. Despite my extensive ability to use Japanese in a variety of circumstances and to make jokes and to have fun using the language, people just weren't interested in me and didn't seem to care. After time, the church leaders decided to isolate all the non-Japanese into a separate cell group, composed of about 3-5 regular people, less if one person didn't show up. We had few activities, and did very little compared to our previous cell groups (all Japanese now). It seemed like we were being shoved aside. Sometimes, even when we only had one activity a week (versus the 4-5, or even 6 for the other groups), they would cancel it or cut it short. The only guy I thought that might have cared about me, I realized that he felt sorry for me and thought I needed a friend and pretended to be my friend, but he couldn't maintain the facade for long.
I'm married and had numerous friends in the US, I made a few friends here in Japan. I don't feel like I'm a needy or overly sad person. I kept my feelings of inferiority and discontent to myself, smiled a lot, joked a lot, and tried to be real and let people know about me little-by-little, as long as I felt the relationship was deep enough for it. I feel like I have a lot to offer people relationship wise, and that I can be a great friend.
So, I told the church that our situation was bad, it wasn't appropriate, and that we should be put back into regular cell groups. After asking me to wait for a month, they still said they hadn't decided. I waited another month, still, they said, "We don't know yet." I learned that they didn't really take any time to discuss, that they were "busy" with other things for those two months. Finally I was told, "OK, you can join a regular cell group." Next week, no, that's not true anymore. I said they have one week to make a decision... After a week, they said, "we feel your current place is best." Basically, "goodbye." I left.
This was sort of my last real attempt to feel real, to feel "good" about living and serving in God's grace. I tried to justify and say that this was God's way of helping me be sympathetic to people in this situation in the future, but in reality, I didn't feel that way. It seemed that I could just never feel at home, never feel like part of the family. I could never feel happy about who I am, not even in the blood of Christ's sacrifice.
I read and read the Bible, but it didn't give me any comfort. Praying seemed empty and pointless. Months have turned into years, nothing seems to "fix" this. I wait for God to make a move, I try to make my own move, I try to see a purpose or meaning in the people around me... Nothing.
So I attend church less now, I occupy myself with other hobbies and interests. I don't think much about God, or the Bible. I don't pray anymore, I don't read the Bible, and when I do attend church, I apathetically mouth the words to a few songs, and listen attentively to the sermon hoping that it ends a little early today. I don't give anything to the church because I just don't feel like it.
I haven't posted here in months, but long-timers here on these boards will know me. They'll know how fervently I fought the good fight of faith, how I tried to encourage and help others, how I crafted careful arguments defending key elements of the faith, and how I enjoyed good conversation about God and his truths.
So what now? I wait eagerly, hoping God will make good on his promise to go after the lost sheep. Many people wrongly believe that the story of the 1 sheep and the 99 is a story about bringing in new believers, but they fail to see that the sheep are already in God's fold, and the the wandering sheep is not an unbeliever but a believer who has strayed away from the shepherd. They also fail to see how God goes out and GETS the sheep, and brings it back... The sheep doesn't eventually wander back to the fold with a little encouraging words... The Shepherd goes after the sheep, uses his staff to drag the sheep by his neck back into the fold. If small enough, he'd lift the sheep up and carry it back. If necessary, he'd break the legs of a sheep that wandered too many times.
So here I am... I feel like I've been broken, but it doesn't seem to have helped at all. I don't feel like I've been brought back, I tried to get myself brought back, with no success.
So what now? When nothing seems enough, do I give up? Do I continue pretending to be something I am not? Do I endlessly wait more years for something I've never had, and have no current hope to have? Do I continue to believe on faith the things that have never seemingly been true for me? Where is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding? Where is the voice of my Shepherd? Where is the mother hen to wrap me in her wings? Where is the Father to love me and care for me, to guide me and lift me up? Where is the Holy Spirit inside me to empower me?
Now I'm just living my life, unable to tell my wife about the extent of my feelings. I'm living honestly, and when I stumble, I don't feel so bad about myself. I don't judge my actions all the time, and the surrounding judgment from others seems to fade slowly and surely. I feel free, and I start to feel like I can be happy. Am I being seduced by the cares of this world? Or am I being freed from the chains that I brought upon myself?
Once upon a time I felt freed by God's truths. But that is the very thing that came to feel like my prison. And now escaping is the only thing that seems to bring me light and grant me peace. Why do I feel so peaceful doing something that should be so wrong?
When nothing seems enough, what do I do? What else is there to do now but to give up? The years of trying have left me worse off, the years of praying for an answer have left me without a hope. If this God that we profess exists as he says he does, shouldn't he be here by now? Is he leaving me to wallow in my own self-loathing and emptiness? Why would he do such a thing, and for what purpose?
I'm so open and willing to be carried back to the sheepfold, but I'm still lost out in the rocks somewhere, and I feel all the happier for it.
