To list the details is just a little hard, because individually these things will probably seem trivial and petty. It's difficult to give specific details, because the nature of the stuff I've prayed about is such that it is like little pebbles that are fired at me from a cannon, and they get imbedded in my spirit and accumulate within me, eating away at me. By themselves, the individual pebbles aren't enough to cause the pain. But over the years, they've been constantly hurled at me and I have no way of dodging them or digging them out of my soul.
Past experience tells me you will all think I'm being petty and more than likely this thread will be ignored by a lot of people. Yet, I have nowhere else to turn for help and I'm totally lost about what else to do.
Details, hmmm? Well, in a nutshell...
My entire life, I've never felt an ounce of support from my dad. I'm the younger of two sons - and my brother was always the one that was motivated to work, and got involved in sports and rock music. He was the first born, the pride and joy of my dad, the one who seemed to be interested in the stuff my dad was interested in, the typical "macho" one who did the manly things. Me....I was never interested in sports. I was always shy and reserved and timid. I was always interested in sugary pop music like the Carpenters. I was interested in art. I sat down to pee when I had to go to the bathroom (and still do). I played with the girls in the neighborhood instead of the boys. I always felt awkward around other guys because I didn't talk the way they did or act the way they did. Generally, my dad was always distant when I was growing up, and never seemed interested in the stuff I was interested, but was always interested in the type of stuff my brother was interested in. Yet he and my brother tended to make fun of me, and embarrass me because of the stuff I liked. Into adulthood now, he doesn't seem to have a positive, supportive comment for me. He always tends to make cutting, hurtful remarks that cut right to the core of my personality and who I am. My grandmother was the same way. (She's dead now, but for years before she died she used to always nitpick me apart and make comments about how I was weird, or that I did weird things, or liked weird things.) I have come to believe that I'm a worthless human being as a result of the constant put-downs and cutting remarks over the years. I've told them that what they said hurt my feelings, but they didn't care. I've tried to open up to my dad to talk to him about things, and he doesn't like to talk about stuff. I can't do anything or say anything that pleases him. He just seems to think it's okay to put others down, but doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. He tends to believe his way of doing stuff is the only right way. The hard part about all this is that I still have to live with him, as old as I am. People might think that is pathetic, but there are situations I've been through in my life, and problems I have that make it this way.
Those problems involve my personality, and some mental/emotional disorders. I suffered from separation anxiety as a child and was abused as a little boy by one of my babysitters. It has left an emotional scar on me, and it seems that as I get older, the pain that resulted is affecting me more and more. When I was about 7 years old, I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that has lasted up to this day. It has affected me in varying degrees over the years, from very serious to mild. The OCD has also caused me to have problems with uncontrollable thoughts that I don't want. I can't seem to control my emotions, or stop wanting things that I want. I can't be a responsible person because I am not good at anything. I can't go to school to learn something because I can't afford it, and can't get a loan because I have a bad credit rating. I am also attracted to men, and have been since I was about 13. I have tried to change that, but I can't. I'm fat and ugly so no one is interested in me in a romantic way, not to mention it wouldn't matter anyway because I'm too weird. I get angry at God for things that seem stupid - like wanting him to make it snow, and then getting upset at Him and yelling and being disrespectful to Him when it doesn't. I am confused about Christianity and what I should believe because there are so many different interpretations out there, and everyone seems to think their's is the correct one.
The list could go on, but like I said it is all stuff that seems petty, but has accumulated and I have prayed for God to help me, and to make me a better person, and to make me the person He wants me to be, and to make me stop being attracted to men, and to stop having all these bad thoughts, and for the OCD to go away, and for my dad to stop making his hurtful remarks all the time, and for him to let me get a lot of snow, and to just generally straighten out my whacked-out life.
And nothing has changed. And I don't know what to do to change myself because I don't know how. People say to give stuff over to the Lord, but I don't know what that means, or how to "do it". I've gotten so depressed, and have felt so worthless that I have tried to hurt myself. Nothing changes. So I wonder if even God doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and He is the only being that exists that I thought I could turn to for help. And I feel like He's mad at me for saying all that stuff. So I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing changes.
