I won't lie. I struggle with feeling like I have only been loved unconditionally by a very few people in my lifetime. I struggle with feeling like I have poured a lot of myself into a lot of people, but am still not enough in the end. I struggle with feeling like I don't have anyone who cares how my day was, and coming to terms with the fact that people who I thought did care never truly did, at least more than themselves. I struggle with anger and with feeling undesirable and unenjoyable as a result, and so I embrace it so that at least then people dislike me for reasons in my control instead of feeling like it is for reasons out of my control.
I think I am realizing that in my case after I poured my heart and soul into someone and then got so badly wrung out and broken, I dried up. A lot of days I struggle to find anything to genuinely give anyone because I don't think I can handle having someone take what I give and not just fail to give back, but also and chew up my offering and spit it out. It is hard to see a scenario where I give and am not either taken advantage of or downright hurt in return. It is hard to want to give and then feel unwanted.
I also wish that I could control this feeling. I do not want to be untrusting and angry. It is not a fun way to be at all. I am just acknowledging the reality of how I feel. Most days I feel wrung out and spent. I finish work at the end of the day and I have little left to give to anyone, even myself. My house looks like it belongs to a meth addict because I haven't cleaned it in weeks. I am 250 pounds overweight. I have to work overtime just to pay off the debt I have racked up. My life has been pretty much a mess for the last two years. And the hard part is that it has been a long time since I have encountered someone who desires to get close. It is hard feeling at a distance from everyone all the time. God, I need things to change because I am almost done trying to pick myself up to take another step.
