What's on your mind?

DragonFox91 said:

Yeah, that's hard. When I’m like that, I can’t function at all. I'm either awake or I'm not, there's no middle ground!

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Yeah, I can agree with that 100%. The struggle is definitely real for me right now.

You know, I like the fact that many people online and offline (who know my name online is Sarah's Knight) call me SK for short all the time.

I don't know; I think it kind of sounds gangster.

Home Sweet Home; sleeping in my own bed tonight is going to feel so good!

.Mikha'el. said:

I still wanna know who the heck Sarah is?

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What's funny is, I've literally spent a third of my entire life here talking to some of you - people who I have never met, yet have known for longer than most of my current real life friends.

Bar a few things, I actually know nothing about any of you. I guess it's the "anonymity" that's kept this place interesting enough for me to stay around for so long.

And at this point, the "how is it all going to end?" question is an intriguing concept. The end of CF can't be very far away I wouldn't have thought.

.Mikha'el. said:

I still wanna know who the heck Sarah is?

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You don't remember after the, like, three times you and Miss SunshineForJesus (did she leave completely? ) asked me that over the years?

j/k

Well, she is not a specific IRL person, but an ideal. Because Sarah, meaning something like "princess" in Hebrew, or so I remember hearing in college Bible class, is my favorite girl's name.

But if there is any actual character named Sarah I am a knight for, it is Sarah Winters, the priestess that my Mary Sue character in the RPGMaker game Arc Arath falls in love with at first glance ->



She has a face now thanks to AI art as I at last discovered it several weeks ago. As said in so much fiction: "Hair of gold, heart of gold."

Hey SK! I will be praying for you! I know huge changes in your life can bring many questions and wondering if you're making the right decision. May the Lord settle your spirit about this and bless you with the job you are looking for!

Saucy said:

Hey SK! I will be praying for you! I know huge changes in your life can bring many questions and wondering if you're making the right decision. May the Lord settle your spirit about this and bless you with the job you are looking for!

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Thanks, man. Yesterday I decided to just take a week off from worrying about all this, outside of a place of work contacting me back for an interview. There are now four left between Eden Prairie and Niagara Falls that I am waiting for. .... And that is what I will do for one week, without worrying either way how it will end up. No new job or even apartment hunting, nothing until next Sunday. Just allowing my mind to rest and refresh.

Besides, again, if worst comes to worst, I seem to have my old job here to fall back on, if the word of both of my direct supervisors before I left is anything to go by. And even then, if it happens, perhaps the Spirit is saying it is simply not time yet, but wanted me to at least be willing to branch out and get a little adventurous, being willing to make a big change if called upon ... which I already did, mostly by going all the way out to all of those place in Minnesota and Michigan by myself several weeks ago. (I got to meet Miss @sampa along the way, too, which was a most pleasant day for me. ) If I do end up staying here, then I trust the Lord will bring me to a better sense of personal peace in the so-doing, than I had before. I have also decided that if I do, at the very least I can still make a change in moving to another place in the same city, hopefully one of the nice townhomes across the street by the same landlord that actually have laundry facilities within each unit.

But yeah, basically, just going to take a break from it this week, chill out, and not worry about it. The Lord has blessed me financially so far so as to be able to even have that luxury.

I miss my family in Philly!

As I reflect back on some of my spiritual experiences, though deep silent prayer, meditation, long hikes in nature - and... With the aid of "other" entities, I can say with certainty that I have TRULY felt the presence of Jesus. To an outsider looking in, I would sound completely insane, but the truth is, it's the most REAL thing you're ever going to experience.

Oftentimes, when you hear a sermon, sit in church or read a post on here, you can only ever really see Him on surface level. Which makes me feel sad in a way, because for many, the "surface level" is all they'll ever experience.

When you let Him in fully, and FEEL His love, wisdom and grace, all you can do is remain quiet and listen. It's like your mother giving you a hug after an awful experience and healing you from the inside in an instant, making the awful seem trivial; like hearing your wise grandparents lay facts on you at exactly the right time and putting you back in focus; like overcoming impossible odds to achieve your biggest and most ambitious dreams, all at the same time. Together, as one, as He lifts you up onto a pedestal and says, YOU, are a masterpiece.

I hope you get to experience it if you haven't, because you all deserve it.

I feel like my heart is grievously wounded, and because of that I find myself seeking something so intensely that a life without it, isn't worth living in my eyes. I'm so afraid to never find that something, that I'd intentionally stand in the way of God healing me, out of fear that I will stop wanting it, and thus never find it.

ReesePiece23 said:

And at this point, the "how is it all going to end?" question is an intriguing concept.

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You'll do the things you talked about and others you never imagined because you're not afraid. And when you are you don't runaway or avoid it too long. Because you know what feeds your heart and stirs your soul and you crave it.

You should spend a week in Arles and soak up the atmosphere and paint. Then venture to the next haunt of the masters and feel their essence and see what you produce. Follow their scent from place to place. Immersing yourself in the experiences with brush in tow. Where would you be a year or two afterwards creatively?

Live your art. ;-)

~bella

bèlla said:

You'll do the things you talked about and others you never imagined because you're not afraid. And when you are you don't runaway or avoid it too long. Because you know what feeds your heart and stirs your soul and you crave it.

You should spend a week in Arles and soak up the atmosphere and paint. Then venture to the next haunt of the masters and feel their essence and see what you produce. Follow their scent from place to place. Immersing yourself in the experiences with brush in tow. Where would you be a year or two afterwards creatively?

Live your art. ;-)

~bella

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You're possibly the fifth maybe sixth person this week to tell me to go to the South of France - and I'm being 100% genuine.

My creativity is coming to me with very minimal effort; there's just this calm confidence within me now that wasn't there before, and it's widespread across all of my creative outlets.

And no, I'm not afraid. I take comfort out of the "daring and enduring" and feel at home when looking for new ways to do things.

That said. I could still be a better friend, more empathic, more willing to offer my time out, and certainly working towards reconciliation with difficult people, but all in good time.

It's taken a very long time to get here. And as it stands, I'm still only really starting to feel the descent down towards the guide path. I'm at that awkward: "I hope I pass the security gate and find my luggage" stage of my life's journey.

In the final hour of an eighteen hour flight, everyone is thinking that, let's be honest.

ReesePiece23 said:

You're possibly the fifth maybe sixth person this week to tell me to go to the South of France - and I'm being 100% genuine.

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How uncanny! What are you going to do? The South of France is lovely but I'm biased.

ReesePiece23 said:

My creativity is coming to me with very minimal effort; there's just this calm confidence within me now that wasn't there before, and it's widespread across all of my creative outlets.

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One day you wake up and everything clicks and flow is your norm. It sounds cliche and you doubt the person when you hear it until you experience the same. I read Mason Curry's Daily Rituals a few years ago. Some routines were normal and others were odd but they fit them well and I understood it intellectually. But the day arrived when I understood because I was doing the same and becoming an artist.

ReesePiece23 said:

And no, I'm not afraid. I take comfort out of the "daring and enduring" and feel at home when looking for new ways to do things.

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I've been shaking things up for the last four years and life has never been better. It's like that line by The Indigo Girls. The closer I am to free the closer I am to fine and it's true. I'm not afraid of today or tomorrow. I've slowed down and sped up in other places and I'm loving every minute.

ReesePiece23 said:

That said. I could still be a better friend, more empathic, more willing to offer my time out, and certainly working towards reconciliation with difficult people, but all in good time.

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I could too but I won't. Not for a while. I've spent twenty years nurturing other people. Helping them grow, listening to their problems, giving them advice, etc. I don't want to live that way anymore or be hands-on. I prefer to be an overseer now. I'll craft the vision but someone else has to carry it out.

Putting bella first was the turning point. That's when everything fell into place and things heightened. Now I'm sharper, quicker and more creative than I've ever been and smitten with my muse. Life is a delight and I wouldn't change a thing.

Relationally speaking, I'm in a different place. I've created a life that supports my work and the things I value but it doesn't mirror the norm and I'm fine with that. I prefer the company of kindred spirits personally and professionally and that won't always include believers and that's okay. My position with God is solidified and that's not going to change but my role in the church has evolved.

I've surrendered connections of varying lengths and have no regrets. Some relationships run their course or don't have a foundation to build on. If you're willing to do the work to put one in place it's possible if they'll assist. Outside of a spouse or children I don't imagine I would.

ReesePiece23 said:

It's taken a very long time to get here. And as it stands, I'm still only really starting to feel the descent down towards the guide path. I'm at that awkward: "I hope I pass the security gate and find my luggage" stage of my life's journey.

In the final hour of an eighteen hour flight, everyone is thinking that, let's be honest.

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It never was meant to be a sprint and the journey is humbling. Perseverance allows you to see yourself through honest eyes. The majority quit but you didn't. Every day you show up is another rung on the ladder. Eventually you'll glimpse your specialness and that's incredible.

~bella

Life seems good right now.

I'm not sure how long it's been since I last looked in on CF. I was just feeling the lack of online Christian conversation and fellowship, and decided to drop by. It's always heartening to see the long-time members still here, still posting, and still being wonderful people.

The last two years have been incredibly difficult. I was forced to resign from a job I absolutely loved due to the C mandates, and because I would not budge on my stance. This happened just a few months after my divorce was finalized, and was at the height of the pandemic hysteria, and I was left completely broken and devastated by what felt like the most terrible injustice against me. I fought so hard, and I lost the battle. I had already lost so much in my life by that point. I felt shattered.

I found a job that I could do remotely, and I wound up absolutely hating it. I endured it for 8 months, before landing a job as a social worker that I did not expect to qualify for. I was thrilled. Sadly, I ended up absolutely hating that job as well. Not the career field itself, but the particular agency I worked for, the office atmosphere, the poor training, the high turnover of staff, and the unmanageable caseloads we had to struggle with. I was looking for a way out after just a few months, but it took over a year for the door to be opened. I am still astonished that I survived so long there. Other workers came and went within days, weeks, months, because of the horrendous job conditions.

I interviewed for another job as a social worker at the hospital where I'd worked previously; the same hospital that had forced me out under the C mandates. But this job wasn't working FOR the hospital directly; it was for a community services program that was just housed within the hospital campus. I felt I'd done well in the interview, and then the waiting started. A week went by. A few weeks. A month. Two months.

I gave up on it. They'd obviously hired someone else. I struggled on with my job. I was constantly drained, stressed, exhausted, anxious. I had trouble sleeping because I dreaded waking up the next morning. I couldn't focus well. I had no energy for anything other than surviving the day at work and getting home in one piece. I started to feel tense and physically sick each morning due to the anxiety. I knew my health was going to start being adversely affected by the long-term stress. I had applied for countless other jobs, and gone on many interviews. I did receive a few job offers, but they just didn't feel right. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to give me some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Just some end-point, even in the distance, to let me know it would all be over at some point.

THREE months after that job interview at the hospital... I got a call.

I was absolutely, completely, totally stunned. And then I was so overjoyed, I couldn't stop shouting about what felt like a miracle. FINALLY! Finally... my open door.

I just finished my second week of training at the new job. Back at the hospital where I'd been so unjustly pushed out two years ago! I've run into so many people who've welcomed me back and expressed their happiness to see me again, and offered condolences on how terribly I was treated in the past. I have my own spacious office now, with a window and a great view! My supervisor is kind and supportive, and everyone I talk to tells me how lucky I am to be working with her. My co-workers are friendly and relaxed, and there's no sense of stress, angst, or misery in the air, like I felt at my previous job.

And, as if that weren't enough of a treat, I just found out that all the social workers are getting a substantial salary increase starting July 1st.

Just - wow! My stress levels have already plummeted, and I am so thankful for this amazing, overdue turning of a corner in my life. I wish it had happened years ago, but God's got to have His reasons for it all.

Thanks to a recent post from an old-school anime group on FB, I have now seen the human face behind two of my favorite heroes in both anime and RPG's from my childhood - Belldandy of Ah My Goddess, and Alex of Lunar: Silver Star Story.

This is Kikuko Inoue, and somehow it just seems so fitting that she is the voice actress behind a heroine as legendarily cute as Belldandy is (and I never even bothered to actually watch Ah My Goddess ) ->