I have (I believe)a narcissist as an in law so I have had to strengthen boundaries tighter than I would like and be much more forward in expressing myself than I’m normally comfortable with. I do find with much interaction you get trapped by them publicly so better off biting my tongue.
Is your in-law a believer in Christ?
In most cases what non-narcs perceive as narcs are simply ego-centric or selfish people who act that way as a consequence of abuse or trauma, not a clinical narcissistic personality disorder. The solution lies in maintaining healthy boundaries. That first means having a good sense of self-identity because the narcs prey on any deficits. The next step is to identify what is and isn't permitted
for you. In other words, "
Please do not use name-calling or label me in any derisive way," is an objectively verifiable standard that any two people can agree upon. "
If I am called names or labelled in a derisive manner then I will ask you to leave. If I am at your place I will leave myself, and if we're out together and I'm driving then I will take you home."
That is a
boundary. Not all boundaries have to overtly stated but generally speaking boundaries work best when you
and others both know what tcan and cannot be expected.
Most narcs won't tolerate that. They won't associate with those they cannot manipulate. They'll make you out to be the problem, evil man that you are, and they'll ignore you with disdain. Problem solved.
But these kinds of boundaries and the thinking these situations necessitate can lead to legalism in
you, Nig, so it's important to stay personally healthy and in healthy relationships. Too many or too rigid boundaries beget legalism. So not only do I recomend setting boundaries to limit exposure (frequency or intensity) to narcs and participation in healthy fellowship, but I would encourage you to read something like Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "
Life Together." I'll springboard off of something stated in your post, the "
better off biting my tongue."
”Often we combat our evil thoughts most effectively if we absolutely refuse to allow them to be expressed in words. It is certain that the spirit of self-justification can be overcome only by the Spirit of grace, nevertheless, isolated thoughts of judgment can be curbed and smothered by never allowing them the right to be uttered, except as a confession of sin… He who holds his tongue in check controls both mind and body (Jms. 3). Thus it is a decisive rule of every Christian fellowship that each individual is prohibited from saying much that occurs to him… to speak about a brother covertly is forbidden, even under the cloak of help and good will; for it is precisely in this guise that the spirit of hatred among brothers always creeps in when it is seeking to create mischief.”
“Where this discipline of the tongue is practiced right from the beginning, each individual will make a matchless discovery. He will be able to cease from constantly scrutinizing the other person, judging him, condemning him, putting him in his particular place where he can gain ascendancy over him and thus doing violence to him as a person. Now he can allow the brother to exist as a completely free person, as God made him to be. His view expands and, to his amazement, for the first time he sees, shining above his brethren, the richness of God’s creative glory. God did not make this person as I would have made him. He did not give him to me as a brother for me to dominate and control, but in order that I might find above him the Creator. Now the other person, in the freedom with which he was created, becomes the occasion for joy, whereas before he was only a nuisance and an affliction. God does not will that I should fashion the other person according to my image; rather in his very freedom from me God made this person in His image. I can never know beforehand how God’s image should appear in others. That image always manifests a completely new and unique form that comes solely from God’s free and sovereign creation”
There are many other books written with similar themes but Bonhoeffer's is a good one.
The NPDs and BPDs will take themselves out of the game if you apply healthy boundaries. Those with egocentric symptoms consequent to a history of abuse or trauma, conversely, will benefit from your boundaries, grow, and help you grow in patience, kindness, compassion, etc. Do you think it was easy living with Peter, or Paul, or Mary of Magdala? God saw fit to record the flaws in Peter and Paul so that we might understand.
