What to do when you are beyond repentance?

[Lost4words]

Offer up your thoughts and feelings to God and ask Him to replace them with His Grace.

God bless you

 

[Anthony2019]

These last few days have caused me to doubt whether it is possible that could be in Christ or return.

I spoke with some brothers over the weekend that assured me that they believe that I am a believer and that there is no loss of salvation. However, I've found that when I feel confident in my salvation, I no longer seem to have any interest at all in the things of the Lord. Everything seems fine. No anxiety or fear. No sense of the reality of my need for Christ. No desire to pursue Christ. Just a desire to relax and have fun.

I've found myself feeling resistant from the heart to the Lord for the few days. Gritting my teeth at him. With a rage in my heart. I did a reading through Matthew last night with some people from church and found myself becoming angry as I was reading. My heart resisting the Scriptures and a rage against the Lord lighting in me.

It has progressively gotten worse especially today. I've had an anger today that has screamed, "I don't believe any of this. I should just leave. (the faith)" It hasn't bothered me on a deep level like it has in the past. I feel like I'm gripping onto no leaving with all my might but the Lord is not meeting me there.

Is this spiritual warfare or have I fallen away?

Bathelter01, you can run, you can hide, scream and shout, but you will never be able to do anything to stop the Lord from loving you.

Our God is the God of love (1 John 4:7). It is intrinsically part of His nature. You may very well have fallen or got lost along the way, but it was not God that gave you up and He is waiting patiently and tenderly for You to return so He can embrace you.

Do not be afraid of returning to the Lord. He cares for you. Consider this extract from Henri Nouwen's book which really spoke to my heart when I strayed in my faith.

https://henrinouwen.org/meditation/i-love-you-i-love-you-i-love-you/

 

[bathelter01]

Bathelter01, you can run, you can hide, scream and shout, but you will never be able to do anything to stop the Lord from loving you.

Our God is the God of love (1 John 4:7). It is intrinsically part of His nature. You may very well have fallen or got lost along the way, but it was not God that gave you up and He is waiting patiently and tenderly for You to return so He can embrace you.

Do not be afraid of returning to the Lord. He cares for you. Consider this extract from Henri Nouwen's book which really spoke to my heart when I strayed in my faith.

https://henrinouwen.org/meditation/i-love-you-i-love-you-i-love-you/

Anthony, I feel a push towards leaving the faith. I don't know how else to say it. How can I know whether it is truly too late for me? My will to follow is disappearing each day and the Lord is not responding regardless of my prayer to time in the word. My heart is not changing. What can I do at this point?

 

[Anthony2019]

Anthony, I feel a push towards leaving the faith. I don't know how else to say it. How can I know whether it is truly too late for me? My will to follow is disappearing each day and the Lord is not responding regardless of my prayer to time in the word. My heart is not changing. What can I do at this point?

You are certainly not lost, just someone who needs reassurance and support.

It sounds to me that you have been under a lot of emotional stress lately, particularly with some of the issues you have raised in your posts. It may be that the issue you have spoken about or something else has been a traumatic experience for you and your difficulty in connecting feelings may be a symptom of dissociation? I am not qualified to say if this is the case, however I would strongly recommend speaking to a counsellor who will be able to help you. They will be able to offer therapies that will help you come to terms with how you feel.

 

[sdowney717]

Anthony, I feel a push towards leaving the faith. I don't know how else to say it. How can I know whether it is truly too late for me? My will to follow is disappearing each day and the Lord is not responding regardless of my prayer to time in the word. My heart is not changing. What can I do at this point?

Whats the real problem, you do not believe Christ was sent by God to save His people from their sin?
Or is it you dont feel like God cares about you anymore?
Thinking that way is a pretty hard stance. Review the men of faith in the bible, many went through tough times.

 

[Gr8Grace]

Anthony, I feel a push towards leaving the faith. I don't know how else to say it. How can I know whether it is truly too late for me? My will to follow is disappearing each day and the Lord is not responding regardless of my prayer to time in the word. My heart is not changing. What can I do at this point?

Trolling.

John 3:16,Acts 16:31.......Get yourself saved.


If your saved.........1 John 1:9. And Gird up your loins(quit acting like such a baby.)

 

[Deborah D]

These last few days have caused me to doubt whether it is possible that could be in Christ or return.

I spoke with some brothers over the weekend that assured me that they believe that I am a believer and that there is no loss of salvation. However, I've found that when I feel confident in my salvation, I no longer seem to have any interest at all in the things of the Lord. Everything seems fine. No anxiety or fear. No sense of the reality of my need for Christ. No desire to pursue Christ. Just a desire to relax and have fun.

I've found myself feeling resistant from the heart to the Lord for the few days. Gritting my teeth at him. With a rage in my heart. I did a reading through Matthew last night with some people from church and found myself becoming angry as I was reading. My heart resisting the Scriptures and a rage against the Lord lighting in me.

It has progressively gotten worse especially today. I've had an anger today that has screamed, "I don't believe any of this. I should just leave. (the faith)" It hasn't bothered me on a deep level like it has in the past. I feel like I'm gripping onto no leaving with all my might but the Lord is not meeting me there.

Is this spiritual warfare or have I fallen away?

I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, but it sounds like you just have a lot of anger in your heart toward God, and it's coming to the surface. That anger can be blocking your ability to feel God's love and experience His presence.

May I suggest that you get alone with Him and tell Him everything you're feeling and why. Don't stop until you've gotten it all out. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you get to the bottom of this anger.

I pray that He will do this for you and that you will be filled with the Holy Spirit and walk with Him in a new and fresh way.

 

[bcbsr]

So I made a post a few weeks ago looking for wisdom about whether I had become like Esau or whether I am under discipline/spiritual warfare.

If you care to read the post, here it is:
Spiritual Warefare, Discipline or Non Believer?

I have come to determine with a great level of certainty that my heart has hardened past the point of repentance due to continued sin. I feel no brokenness or conviction over my sin nor do I have the desires of the Lord anymore. I find no ability to turn away from sin from a heart level like I once did. All that I am left with is severe fear of my future condemnation. As I read Hebrews, I see that my life now matches up perfectly with Hebrews 6:4, as well as Hebrews 10:26. I have spent time consulting with my pastor and other believing friends. They seem to believe that I am still a believer, but I sincerely disagree. I think they are coming around though.

As I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond repentance, my question is what is the best thing for me to do next. I cannot spend my life walking in apostasy creating greater condemnation for myself upon my death. Life is too much to live apart from Christ. There is no meaning to life other than Christ and there is no joy apart from him. I cannot continue with life apart from Christ. However, I see no other way to handle the situation other than suicide. Does anyone have any better suggestions or wisdom to give?

I know some of you may land in a more reformed camp like I once did, but there is no denial that someone can become like those mentioned in Hebrews. I have become one. What then do I do now?

From your rhetoric I don't think you necessarily committed apostasy The thing with apostasy is that as it says in Heb 6 it's impossible to get such people to repent. But sounds like you are open to repenting. I don't think that people who apostatise have any interest in returning. I think it's a burning ones bridges situation.

I have the impression that, though you may have been on the road to salvation, I don't think you got to the end before you got off track. People who get to the end don't fall away. You haven't yet come to embrace the gospel with conviction. Jesus said, "the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out." John 6:37 So the ball's in your court.

Here's the gospel in a nutshell as Jesus told it, "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." John 5:24 Believe it or not.

 

[Eshlyyy]

I think everything has its time

 

[FearfulCat]

So I made a post a few weeks ago looking for wisdom about whether I had become like Esau or whether I am under discipline/spiritual warfare.

If you care to read the post, here it is:
Spiritual Warefare, Discipline or Non Believer?

I have come to determine with a great level of certainty that my heart has hardened past the point of repentance due to continued sin. I feel no brokenness or conviction over my sin nor do I have the desires of the Lord anymore. I find no ability to turn away from sin from a heart level like I once did. All that I am left with is severe fear of my future condemnation. As I read Hebrews, I see that my life now matches up perfectly with Hebrews 6:4, as well as Hebrews 10:26. I have spent time consulting with my pastor and other believing friends. They seem to believe that I am still a believer, but I sincerely disagree. I think they are coming around though.

As I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond repentance, my question is what is the best thing for me to do next. I cannot spend my life walking in apostasy creating greater condemnation for myself upon my death. Life is too much to live apart from Christ. There is no meaning to life other than Christ and there is no joy apart from him. I cannot continue with life apart from Christ. However, I see no other way to handle the situation other than suicide. Does anyone have any better suggestions or wisdom to give?

I know some of you may land in a more reformed camp like I once did, but there is no denial that someone can become like those mentioned in Hebrews. I have become one. What then do I do now?

So I made a post a few weeks ago looking for wisdom about whether I had become like Esau or whether I am under discipline/spiritual warfare.

If you care to read the post, here it is:
Spiritual Warefare, Discipline or Non Believer?

I have come to determine with a great level of certainty that my heart has hardened past the point of repentance due to continued sin. I feel no brokenness or conviction over my sin nor do I have the desires of the Lord anymore. I find no ability to turn away from sin from a heart level like I once did. All that I am left with is severe fear of my future condemnation. As I read Hebrews, I see that my life now matches up perfectly with Hebrews 6:4, as well as Hebrews 10:26. I have spent time consulting with my pastor and other believing friends. They seem to believe that I am still a believer, but I sincerely disagree. I think they are coming around though.

As I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond repentance, my question is what is the best thing for me to do next. I cannot spend my life walking in apostasy creating greater condemnation for myself upon my death. Life is too much to live apart from Christ. There is no meaning to life other than Christ and there is no joy apart from him. I cannot continue with life apart from Christ. However, I see no other way to handle the situation other than suicide. Does anyone have any better suggestions or wisdom to give?

I know some of you may land in a more reformed camp like I once did, but there is no denial that someone can become like those mentioned in Hebrews. I have become one. What then do I do now?

Hey I know that you are in a very tight and knotty situation and I do think there is some peril in it. I also have done similar things except my story is a bit shorter. I was born in Christian household, got serious mid summer break in 2020 from school. I haven't noticed any fruit at any point ; its been over 6 month since then and I have come to the horrifying conclusion that I might be an apostate. I have done quite a lot of bit of research on Hebrew, and have met with others in the same situation and I could relate to what you feel. Mine was perpetual sin with video games. I hadn't even realized that effect of my reprobation until I came across Hebrew. It has been about a month since and I still have fear, its hard for me to function in life. The common symptoms is a heaviness of the heart, emptiness, and spiritually dead. The only hope that still keeps me going is that I still felt the Holy Spirit, though it lacked any emotions, there was a overwhelming sense to cry as my dad prayed for me. I seems like the best thing you could do is to just have faith and wait on the Lord. I know, its hard, and I know it from personal experience. I am still struggling with fear, fatigue, and dissociation oftentimes. I could relate to how your mind and heart work against each other and I could relate how you say your heart rages against the Lord. Repentance is a gift from God. Although Esau sought with tears, he did not repent of his wrong doings, he wasn't sorrowful about his foolish decision, he cried because he lost his inheritance. I am still inconclusive about this situation. It is fully onto the Lord. Don't sin anymore, and wait on the Lord. ""I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.""

 

[Butterball1]

So I made a post a few weeks ago looking for wisdom about whether I had become like Esau.....

Anyone can repent if they desire to do so.


As per Heb 12:17 "....he sought it diligently with tears."

The "it" that Esau sought was for his father Isaac to repent, that is, get Isaac to repent/change his mind about having gave the blessing to Jacob...Genesis 27:36-38 "And he said , Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me? And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with grain and new wine have I sustained him: and what then shall I do for thee, my son? And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept."


I see that the ASV renders Heb 12:17 properly giving the correct idea "For ye know that even when he afterward desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place for a change of mind in his father, though he sought it diligently with tears."


Hebrews 12:17 Greek Text Analysis
According to the Biblehub link above, the pronoun "it" is feminine gender. Biblehub also shows that "repentance" and "blessing" are also feminine, so the "it" in the Greek can refer to either "repentance" or "blessing". Was the "it" that Esau sought repentance or the blessing? From the above in Genesis 27:36-38 "it" was the blessing Esau sought from his father Isaac.
The nearest antecedent of "it" is "repentance" and and that's how it would be done in the English language. But in the Greek, word order is secondary to inflection:
Greek Word Order – Ancient Greek for Everyone
Word Order | Dickinson College Commentaries

Esau, after not being able to get Isaac to change his mind about the blessing, vowed to kill his brother Jacob, Genesis 27:41. Rebekah warns Jacob about Esau and Jacob fled to Laban in Haran, Genesis 27:43-45. Years later Esau goes to find Jacob and Jacob sees Esau approaching with 400 men, Genesis 33:1, and Jacob goes before Esau and bows, Genesis 33:3. And in one of the most touching scenes in the Bible we see " Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept." Genesis 33:4. Jacob says to Esau "Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found favor in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand; forasmuch as I have seen thy face, as one seeth the face of God, and thou wast pleased with me." Genesis 33:10.

Esau repented of the hatred he had in his heart to kill Jacob and Esau was also willing to be forgetful of the past and forgave Jacob. So repentance and forgiveness can be found by those who desire it. "Esau ran to meet him - How sincere and genuine is this conduct of Esau, and at the same time how magnanimous! He had buried all his resentment, and forgotten all his injuries; and receives his brother with the strongest demonstrations, not only of forgiveness, but of fraternal affection.....Why then should the character of this man (Esau) be perpetually vilified? Here is the secret. With some people, on the most ungrounded assumption, Esau is a reprobate, and the type and figure of all reprobates, and therefore he must be everything that is bad. This serves a system; but, whether true or false in itself, it has neither countenance nor support from the character or conduct of Esau." Adam Clarke

 

[fhansen]

So I made a post a few weeks ago looking for wisdom about whether I had become like Esau or whether I am under discipline/spiritual warfare.

If you care to read the post, here it is:
Spiritual Warefare, Discipline or Non Believer?

I have come to determine with a great level of certainty that my heart has hardened past the point of repentance due to continued sin. I feel no brokenness or conviction over my sin nor do I have the desires of the Lord anymore. I find no ability to turn away from sin from a heart level like I once did. All that I am left with is severe fear of my future condemnation. As I read Hebrews, I see that my life now matches up perfectly with Hebrews 6:4, as well as Hebrews 10:26. I have spent time consulting with my pastor and other believing friends. They seem to believe that I am still a believer, but I sincerely disagree. I think they are coming around though.

As I have come to the conclusion that I am beyond repentance, my question is what is the best thing for me to do next. I cannot spend my life walking in apostasy creating greater condemnation for myself upon my death. Life is too much to live apart from Christ. There is no meaning to life other than Christ and there is no joy apart from him. I cannot continue with life apart from Christ. However, I see no other way to handle the situation other than suicide. Does anyone have any better suggestions or wisdom to give?

I know some of you may land in a more reformed camp like I once did, but there is no denial that someone can become like those mentioned in Hebrews. I have become one. What then do I do now?

Generally speaking if a person's heart is that hard now, then they don't care about repentance anyway. They've willfully turned away from God. If you do care that means you haven't really turned away or you've had a change of heart, and with sincere repentance forgiveness is always forthcoming.

 

[carllundin]

How is it going? It is extremely severe and bad to sin willfully, and it will take you a lot of sorrow repenting of it. That needs to take place since you have trampled the precious blood of Christ and crucified him again, holding his blood for animal blood (Hebrews 6:4).
But as long as you breathe, there is always hope for the great mercy of God Jesus Christ!
There is a youtube channel "holdingfirmly" where a man goes through this stuff a lot, I highly recommend it. The bitter truth is that almost all christians are still in sin, thinking that it is all paid for and they have been chosen just through believing, and that they can still sin "sometimes". This is serving two lords, aka the harlot of Babylon. NOT the bride of Christ who will be presented without blemish, and holy and pure will she be. Repentance is turning away from ALL sin FOREVER, turning into obedience to God 100% of the time, and not cheat and sin ever again. Become pure in heart.
It is a big lie that you can continue to sin, even if it's "lesser and lesser", and not die.
Sin will take you to hell, period.
Turn around in sincere sorrow of what you have done, knowingly insulting the spirit of Grace.
I went through the same thing, you must like Peter shed bitter tears and get clean with God.
Hope this helps.
//Carl

 

[fhansen]

How is it going? It is extremely severe and bad to sin willfully, and it will take you a lot of sorrow repenting of it. That needs to take place since you have trampled the precious blood of Christ and crucified him again, holding his blood for animal blood (Hebrews 6:4).
But as long as you breathe, there is always hope for the great mercy of God Jesus Christ!
There is a youtube channel "holdingfirmly" where a man goes through this stuff a lot, I highly recommend it. The bitter truth is that almost all christians are still in sin, thinking that it is all paid for and they have been chosen just through believing, and that they can still sin "sometimes". This is serving two lords, aka the harlot of Babylon. NOT the bride of Christ who will be presented without blemish, and holy and pure will she be. Repentance is turning away from ALL sin FOREVER, turning into obedience to God 100% of the time, and not cheat and sin ever again. Become pure in heart.
It is a big lie that you can continue to sin, even if it's "lesser and lesser", and not die.
Sin will take you to hell, period.
Turn around in sincere sorrow of what you have done, knowingly insulting the spirit of Grace.
I went through the same thing, you must like Peter shed bitter tears and get clean with God.
Hope this helps.
//Carl

Ok, so you're saying that absolute, perfect sinlessness is possible in this life?

 

[Brent Caldwell]

How is it going? It is extremely severe and bad to sin willfully, and it will take you a lot of sorrow repenting of it. That needs to take place since you have trampled the precious blood of Christ and crucified him again, holding his blood for animal blood (Hebrews 6:4).
But as long as you breathe, there is always hope for the great mercy of God Jesus Christ!
There is a youtube channel "holdingfirmly" where a man goes through this stuff a lot, I highly recommend it. The bitter truth is that almost all christians are still in sin, thinking that it is all paid for and they have been chosen just through believing, and that they can still sin "sometimes". This is serving two lords, aka the harlot of Babylon. NOT the bride of Christ who will be presented without blemish, and holy and pure will she be. Repentance is turning away from ALL sin FOREVER, turning into obedience to God 100% of the time, and not cheat and sin ever again. Become pure in heart.
It is a big lie that you can continue to sin, even if it's "lesser and lesser", and not die.
Sin will take you to hell, period.
Turn around in sincere sorrow of what you have done, knowingly insulting the spirit of Grace.
I went through the same thing, you must like Peter shed bitter tears and get clean with God.
Hope this helps.
//Carl

Carl,
You're teaching a works based salvation HERE. All believers will continue to sin until our bodies are glorified. No Christian is ever sinless and you are placing a great burden upon this young man to keep that even yourself are not able to keep. Surely you see sin in your own life? 1 John 1:8 says that if we say that we have no sin then we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. Verse 9 says that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to cleanse us of all unrighteousness. Verse 10 says that if we say we have not sinned then we make Him a liar and His Word is not in us. So you see that it is impossible to live a sinless life but sin should no longer be a lifestyle. You telling the young man that he has to turn away from all sin forever and turn in obedience to God 100% of the time is impossible and you yourelf have not done this and you know it! So why do you put such an unnecessary burden upon him that you know that you have not been able to do?

 

[carllundin]

Well, if you read the whole section 1 John 1-10, you get the whole picture - that we cannot walk in darkness and say we have fellowship with Jesus. If we continue in (willful) sin, we don't have fellowship with God. In fact, in 1 John 3 he goes on to say that "he who sins is of the devil" and that "he who is born of God sinneth not, because the seed of God is in him, and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God".

Nothing but the blood of Christ can take away sins and bring forgivness and reconciliation between man and God. After having been cleansed, through repentance - baptism of repentance, putting the old man with his desires to death - we live for God.
Gods grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness and walk uprightly in this present age (Tit 2:11). This is what happens in repentance, a turning away from all sin.

Keep sinning willfully and there remains no more sacrifice for your sins (Heb 10:26).
If someone continues in sin, that person has not yet repented and is not yet born of God.
It is a process of godly sorrow, when you realize how you have offended God with your way of life, against the Truth of Christ.

When Jesus tells us "Go and sin no more", he means what he says.
He furhtermore came to preach freedom for the captives, setting us free from the bondage of sin. "He who does sin is a slave to sin". There really is no middle ground here, if you take your calling from Jesus seriously, you work together with God and escape the corruption that is in this world through lust.

I am not teaching that any rituals or sacrifices can ever get you right with God.
I am simply saying what the Gospel is saying: there is freedom from sin, God's kingdom is here right now, and the more knowledge you have about God's truth, the worse it is when you willfully sin against that.

In short, the truth is simple: sin must stop to abide in Christ and have fellowship with Jesus. It is the simple message of the Gospel.

Blessed is he who has emptied his heart of all guile and deceit. How can you purify and purge your heart, being one of God's holy, and still commit sin? It is not possible.

We can always make mistakes out of ignorance or lack of knowledge. But sinning willfully, doing what is wrong intentionally, must stop.
And no, I don't sin willfully since I repented for real. There are many people who likewise don't continue in sin, don't make the mistake of thinking there isn't.

//Carl

 

[Bobber]

. I know that with my head I have been trying to return to Christ but with my heart I find myself uninterested and resistant.

So what? Do it anyway! We're commanded to repent whether you're interested in it or not. That's just your flesh speaking! Do it and do it today!

Like from a heart level, I don’t want to repent of sin and I see no need for Christ.

That's you're silly flesh level! Make a decision that's it I'm going to repent. The King of the Universe has demanded it! In an earthly kingdoms do subjects of a King always delight in obeying his decrees? No necessarily. But they do what the king says and obey him.

My heart resists when I try to repent.

You can't tell me you know what's your heart and your flesh in all this. Sorry I don't buy it. But even if you could prove it's your heart....SO WHAT! Change your heart now! There will be no excused allowed that you couldn't do it.

Will he overcome my heart and bring it back to repentance or is this the end?

Where do you EVER read in the Bible for God to overcome your heart. Look you see what Jesus says about it...ARE YOU GOING TO OBEY HIM YES OR NO???

 

[fhansen]

I know some of you may land in a more reformed camp like I once did, but there is no denial that someone can become like those mentioned in Hebrews. I have become one. What then do I do now?

Well...if you're beyond repentance, then don't repent.

 

[SunshineHollyDay]

How is it going? It is extremely severe and bad to sin willfully, and it will take you a lot of sorrow repenting of it. That needs to take place since you have trampled the precious blood of Christ and crucified him again, holding his blood for animal blood (Hebrews 6:4).
But as long as you breathe, there is always hope for the great mercy of God Jesus Christ!
There is a youtube channel "holdingfirmly" where a man goes through this stuff a lot, I highly recommend it. The bitter truth is that almost all christians are still in sin, thinking that it is all paid for and they have been chosen just through believing, and that they can still sin "sometimes". This is serving two lords, aka the harlot of Babylon. NOT the bride of Christ who will be presented without blemish, and holy and pure will she be. Repentance is turning away from ALL sin FOREVER, turning into obedience to God 100% of the time, and not cheat and sin ever again. Become pure in heart.
It is a big lie that you can continue to sin, even if it's "lesser and lesser", and not die.
Sin will take you to hell, period.
Turn around in sincere sorrow of what you have done, knowingly insulting the spirit of Grace.
I went through the same thing, you must like Peter shed bitter tears and get clean with God.
Hope this helps.
//Carl

You said you went through this, can you elaborate more on your experience?

 

[SunshineHollyDay]

Hey I know that you are in a very tight and knotty situation and I do think there is some peril in it. I also have done similar things except my story is a bit shorter. I was born in Christian household, got serious mid summer break in 2020 from school. I haven't noticed any fruit at any point ; its been over 6 month since then and I have come to the horrifying conclusion that I might be an apostate. I have done quite a lot of bit of research on Hebrew, and have met with others in the same situation and I could relate to what you feel. Mine was perpetual sin with video games. I hadn't even realized that effect of my reprobation until I came across Hebrew. It has been about a month since and I still have fear, its hard for me to function in life. The common symptoms is a heaviness of the heart, emptiness, and spiritually dead. The only hope that still keeps me going is that I still felt the Holy Spirit, though it lacked any emotions, there was a overwhelming sense to cry as my dad prayed for me. I seems like the best thing you could do is to just have faith and wait on the Lord. I know, its hard, and I know it from personal experience. I am still struggling with fear, fatigue, and dissociation oftentimes. I could relate to how your mind and heart work against each other and I could relate how you say your heart rages against the Lord. Repentance is a gift from God. Although Esau sought with tears, he did not repent of his wrong doings, he wasn't sorrowful about his foolish decision, he cried because he lost his inheritance. I am still inconclusive about this situation. It is fully onto the Lord. Don't sin anymore, and wait on the Lord. ""I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.""

How are you doing now?