What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

[Tropical Wilds]

I tend to doubt a guy who’s shared life experiences that none of us can conceive of with his partner is going to get some unifying perspective from “dating his wife” he doesn’t have already. He buried a child with her and is watching her battle a medical condition... If you can’t look at your partner and find anything to attach to and find desirable and attractive beyond how she looks (or doesn’t), a date won’t fix that.

Especially since the issue here isn’t her “unattractiveness,” but his unwillingness to change or even try work on himself or his issues, which is the real source of this. She could wake up the most beautiful person in the world tomorrow, the issues he has that landed him where he is would be dormant, but still present. At some point he has to face them.

 

[CodySmith]

.... Especially since the issue here isn’t her “unattractiveness,” but his unwillingness to change or even try work on himself or his issues, which is the real source of this. She could wake up the most beautiful person in the world tomorrow, the issues he has that landed him where he is would be dormant, but still present. At some point he has to face them.

I'm not understanding what you believe I need to 'face' here? Or what you suggest i do?

 

[JRichard68]

I'm not understanding what you believe I need to 'face' here? Or what you suggest i do?

Maybe facing that physical attraction does not make a marriage or a physical/intimate relationship. I couldn't help noticing when someone questioned whether your wife resembled the illustration of the person at a certain BMI, your first response was to laugh and a "yeah, right".

The issue here is that you've no idea what contributes to intimacy in your marriage. You've latched on to this idea that your wife isn't physically attractive (I don't know, all we have is your word...), and drawn a conclusion that physical intimacy is impossible for that reason. That's called A ---> C reasoning. Something happens - an "Activating event" (e.g. you see your wife), and a "Consequence" or outcome (the thought "I'm not turned on because she isn't attractive"). And that's a losing bet every time, because the consequence really has nothing to do with the event. You being turned on or not has nothing to do with her. It has to do with your Beliefs about her. And that's the only thing that's in your power to change - your beliefs about her and the situation you're in. From what I've gathered reading this thread so far is that the belief you have is "physical intimacy is not possible unless my partner is attractive to me". Where and how you've learned that, it's stuck with you and it's being projected onto your wife. But it's not your wife's belief, it's yours.

So that changes the equation a bit: A ---> B ---> C

You see your wife (activating event) ---> "Physical intimacy is not possible unless my partner is attractive to me" (belief) ---> "I'm not turned on" (consequence)

Now, it has everything to do with you and nothing to do with her. Now the question becomes what changes you want to make about the beliefs that are getting in the way of physical intimacy with your wife.
Make sense?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I'm not understanding what you believe I need to 'face' here? Or what you suggest i do?

I have covered this in depth over numerous posts...

 

[tall73]

I'm not understanding what you believe I need to 'face' here? Or what you suggest i do?

Your wife is not the one failing to get an erection. You are. Have you gone to the doctor yet to get help with that, as suggested earlier in the thread?

 

[DZoolander]

I'll help make it easier. The drug you're looking for is called Alprostadil - lol

 

[JRichard68]

I'll help make it easier. The drug you're looking for is called Alprostadil - lol

 

[MamaBear777]

I just really feel for you wife. She has lost a child, has on-going health issues and now she has to deal with a husband who is being very unloving in his opinion of her, and laying all this at her door.

Please do not tell your wife you find her unattractive.

If it's purely a physical/attraction thing (as you seem convinced it is) you need to just take one for the team and use modern medicine. I honestly don't think God has an issue with this, anymore than he has an issue with someone taking medication to help their blood pressure.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to grow closer spiritually. Are you both involved in a biblically sound church? Do you pray together? Read the bible together? I really do think you need to go to Christian counselling. I don't know why you are so dismissive of it.

My husband's body has changed dramatically since we both started crossfit. I have always found him attractive, however, because I look at him and see this amazing person with a big heart, a partner GOD sent along in an answer to prayer. He's kind and puts others before himself. He is an amazing blessing to my life and to our children Surely that's more attractive than a flat stomach?

I'm sure your wife has many attractive qualities about her that have so much more value than her external shell. Focusing on this may or may not fix your ED, I recognise that mens bodies work differently than womens. But I do think you need to change your perception of your wife and focus less on her value being tied up with her weight. You may say you dont value her based on her weight, but you keep mentioning divorce because she's overweight, so I would disagree. Treasure your wife.

Love one another and great others the way you would want to be treated. If your wife physically couldn't have sex with you and you wanted to have sex with her you would want her to go to the Dr/counsellor and try to make it right. You need to be more proactive than just constantly mentioning divorce a d refusing to take any positive steps.

Personally I think this is more of a heart issue than you think.

 

[MamaBear777]

I should add, there are plenty of good books/resources on relationships and sex within a Christian marriage. Paul Tripp has a marriage course and a book called "What did you expect", for example. I'll be praying for both of you.

 

[ValleyGal]

I think you should research her condition. She has absolutely zero control over what is happening in her body. There are things she can do that will minimize her weight gain, but if she is otherwise healthy, she's still going to gain a bunch of weight that is far beyond her control. Your reaction is also beyond her control. Go home and love your wife like Jesus loves the church. That is your call in the Lord Jesus, as a husband.

 

[DZoolander]

I think you should research her condition. She has absolutely zero control over what is happening in her body. There are things she can do that will minimize her weight gain, but if she is otherwise healthy, she's still going to gain a bunch of weight that is far beyond her control. Your reaction is also beyond her control. Go home and love your wife like Jesus loves the church. That is your call in the Lord Jesus, as a husband.

I've lost track in this hugely long thread. Did he ever say what her condition was?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

He did, it’s related to the female reproductive system.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I've lost track in this hugely long thread. Did he ever say what her condition was?

And they lost a child 2 years ago.

 

[DZoolander]

I remember the losing the child part - just didn't remember any specifics on the medical condition. I just remember something vague like "getting pregnant again might kill her" (and I'm too lazy to re-read 6 pages of the thread...lol)

 

[ValleyGal]

Her condition is called PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know two women who have it. One put on probably 50 lbs and she takes very good care of her body (she is also only about 5'2"), she has a terrific outlook, she is a teacher, and she has a very active social life, including being involved at her church. The other let her medical conditions take over and poison her outlook, she eats for comfort and has lost all her friends because she's so difficult to be around - and she has put on probably 400 lbs (she's about 5'7").

 

[DZoolander]

No way - she's put ON like 400 lbs?

So she's likely somewhere around the 500+ range?

 

[mkgal1]

From post #49, Cody described his wife's medical issues:

What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

Are you still reading, Cody?

 

[ValleyGal]

Her condition is called PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know two women who have it. One put on probably 50 lbs and she takes very good care of her body (she is also only about 5'2"), she has a terrific outlook, she is a teacher, and she has a very active social life, including being involved at her church. The other let her medical conditions take over and poison her outlook, she eats for comfort and has lost all her friends because she's so difficult to be around - and she has put on probably 400 lbs (she's about 5'7").

Yes, she's very large. She gets winded easily, and basically lives in her bedroom. But like I said, that one didn't take care of herself, so it's definitely not all PCOS. The people I know with PCOS usually gain about 40-50 lbs.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I thought it was PCOS but I wasn’t sure if I had my wires crossed.

Regardless, PP is right... When things go off the rails in the reproductive area for women, be it something as severe as PCOS or routine as menopause, it really doinks with your weight and makes it impossible to take off. Granted I have IBD and I’m on steroids and antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and immune system suppressors, all of which contribute to weight gain and retaining water like a water balloon, but now that I’m officially pre-menopause, I swear to Superman that I would gain 3 pounds eating dry salads. No joke, I didn’t eat for 3 days, didn’t lose a pound. Not. A. Pound. Not one.

 

[SolomonVII]

What makes marriage different than other forms of sexual relations that are functionally possible for people to engage in is that sexuality in marriage is not primarily focussed on attraction and personal fulfillment. Christian love is above all open to life. Sexual expression is above all open to the creativity of God in our lives and the promise that new life will restore our world like only the promise and hope of a child can.
It is possible that the dysfunction in the relationship described is a spiritual one. To consider every sexual encounter with ones spouse as a creative act imbued with the creative energy of God himself is to remind ourselves that transient feelings of attraction pale in comparison with the sacramental act of one flesh unity that defines marital sexuality.