What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

[Tropical Wilds]

I thought it was PCOS but I wasn’t sure if I had my wires crossed.

Regardless, PP is right... When things go off the rails in the reproductive area for women, be it something as severe as PCOS or routine as menopause, it really doinks with your weight and makes it impossible to take off. Granted I have IBD and I’m on steroids and antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and immune system suppressors, all of which contribute to weight gain and retaining water like a water balloon, but now that I’m officially pre-menopause, I swear to Superman that I would gain 3 pounds eating dry salads. No joke, I didn’t eat for 3 days, didn’t lose a pound. Not. A. Pound. Not one.

 

[SolomonVII]

What makes marriage different than other forms of sexual relations that are functionally possible for people to engage in is that sexuality in marriage is not primarily focussed on attraction and personal fulfillment. Christian love is above all open to life. Sexual expression is above all open to the creativity of God in our lives and the promise that new life will restore our world like only the promise and hope of a child can.
It is possible that the dysfunction in the relationship described is a spiritual one. To consider every sexual encounter with ones spouse as a creative act imbued with the creative energy of God himself is to remind ourselves that transient feelings of attraction pale in comparison with the sacramental act of one flesh unity that defines marital sexuality.

 

[RDKirk]

What makes marriage different than other forms of sexual relations that are functionally possible for people to engage in is that sexuality in marriage is not primarily focussed on attraction and personal fulfillment. Christian love is above all open to life. Sexual expression is above all open to the creativity of God in our lives and the promise that new life will restore our world like only the promise and hope of a child can.
It is possible that the dysfunction in the relationship described is a spiritual one. To consider every sexual encounter with ones spouse as a creative act imbued with the creative energy of God himself is to remind ourselves that transient feelings of attraction pale in comparison with the sacramental act of one flesh unity that defines marital sexuality.

I attempted to point out earlier than in ancient times, a marriage was most likely arranged--particularly the first marriage where polygamy was permitted--without the benefit of "attraction."

Yet, God instructs men to enjoy even sexually "the wife of your youth"--who would have been that first marriage arranged by parents.

 

[SolomonVII]

I attempted to point out earlier than in ancient times, a marriage was most likely arranged--particularly the first marriage where polygamy was permitted--without the benefit of "attraction."

Yet, God instructs men to enjoy even sexually "the wife of your youth"--who would have been that first marriage arranged by parents.

I think that we can all fully understand the real pain and conflict that the OP is sharing with us. It is good to take note that the social constructs that define us and define our reality may be transcended by taking the eternal perspective given to us by the Bible.
At the very least, the Bible gives us an historic perspective, and an understanding that marriages based exclusively in romantic attractions is a rather novel development.
Men in particular have evolved towards being sexually attracted towards the youthful beauty. Such beauty is a passing phase for virtually anyone. Such beauty fades, always.. it is spiritual maturity that allows us to be more than what our genes have designed us to be.

 

[DZoolander]

I dunno. Maybe I'm just stubborn - so I'll continue arguing the same point - but I always balk when I read things about how "men have evolved towards being sexually attracted towards youthful beauty" - and how "we ought to aspire to something else - something more in depth/spiritual/etc - because those are standards that can last" - etc etc.

When I was young - I made a conscious decision to be OK with how I think - regardless of what those thoughts might be. I don't aspire to be more noble than I am. I don't think that I should be. I don't bemoan or worry about "shortcomings" in myself (at least in those types of things). What's more important to me is to understand myself and my motivations.

So to that end - I can freely say that I can be "superficial" and have no problems admitting that. I'm a guy. I think my attractions are stereotypical and "guy-ish". I freely admit it.

...and those types of things you hear about "what guys are attracted to" always rub me the wrong way - because it just doesn't ring true - being that I see myself as stereotypical.

My experience has always been that what I'm attracted to evolves over time - relative to me. When I was 12 years old I had crushes on my peers. When I was a teenager I had crushes on my peers. When I was in my 20's I was attracted to my peers. When I was in my 30's I was attracted to my peers. Now that I'm in my 40's (if I weren't married) I'd be attracted to my peers.

Now true - what constitutes a "peer" does become a little more broad as you age - but at my age I would NOT date a 20 year old. I probably wouldn't date anyone under 35 if I were single.

And that's not because I'm somehow more "noble" or less "superficial". It isn't because I've found some noble aspect of my character that now has grown to cherish the more "meaningful". It's just how I'm wired overall. Rather - my experience in life revolves around the central person in my life. Me. And everything is sort of filtered in that context.

So...I don't know what to make with these gross generalizations about "how men are" and "what men are designed to be attracted to". I mean, I see myself as a mixture of good, bad, noble, superficial, jerkish, kind, mean, etc...and that's not how I look at attraction. And I can't help but think that if you come across someone that fits that description (like a 48 year old man leering at 20 year olds) instead of the norm - you've found instead a profoundly damaged person (or suffering from arrested development).

 

[tall73]

I dunno. Maybe I'm just stubborn - so I'll continue arguing the same point - but I always balk when I read things about how "men have evolved towards being sexually attracted towards youthful beauty" - and how "we ought to aspire to something else - something more in depth/spiritual/etc - because those are standards that can last" - etc etc.

When I was young - I made a conscious decision to be OK with how I think - regardless of what those thoughts might be. I don't aspire to be more noble than I am. I don't think that I should be. I don't bemoan or worry about "shortcomings" in myself (at least in those types of things). What's more important to me is to understand myself and my motivations.

So to that end - I can freely say that I can be "superficial" and have no problems admitting that. I'm a guy. I think my attractions are stereotypical and "guy-ish". I freely admit it.

...and those types of things you hear about "what guys are attracted to" always rub me the wrong way - because it just doesn't ring true - being that I see myself as stereotypical.

I can understand trying to analyze what you think. But why would you think that you represent the norm, or what is stereotypical?

 

[DZoolander]

There's a common theme put out there that "there's an ideal of beauty that society has created". If that's the norm - then my tastes tend to fall within that (with some flexibility of course).

 

[tall73]

There's a common theme put out there that "there's an ideal of beauty that society has created". If that's the norm - then my tastes tend to fall within that (with some flexibility of course).

I think on that point we have agreed in the past. There is a range of body types, etc.

But the notion that a lot of older people are not attracted to younger people doesn't seem to match up. You can go people watch and see an old guy ogling a young woman pretty regularly.

Now that is not to say that in your own selection criteria you do not include other factors, because you are looking at the overall relationship. So it wouldn't make sense to have someone who shares no life experience. Some folks are not worried about that.

 

[DZoolander]

"You can go people watch and see an old guy ogling a young woman pretty regularly" - does that mean though that the old man isn't able to appreciate his wife who is aging just like he is?

(tackiness aside...lol)

 

[DZoolander]

It's the whole:

"You have a problem with X (physical issue) -> you must put too much emphasis on looks and not the 'important stuff' -> looks fade and what will you be left with then? -> so retrain yourself" line of thought that gives me some questions/problems.

By that reasoning - wasn't it problematic for me at 20 to exclude 60 year old women? After all - someday my wife will be 60 years old! And if it gives me problems now - what will I do then? lol

 

[tall73]

"You can go people watch and see an old guy ogling a young woman pretty regularly" - does that mean though that the old man isn't able to appreciate his wife who is aging just like he is?

(tackiness aside...lol)

Lol, well, yes that would be tacky and more! And yes, some do that. And some don't want to. Some would rather dump the aging wife and use other resources to attract the younger one.

And the idea of being able to appreciate--that is the whole point. No one denies that he can. People are recommending that he do so, to learn to appreciate her despite changes.

But that may not be his first choice from a simply physical perspective.

 

[tall73]

It's the whole:

"You have a problem with X (physical issue) -> you must put too much emphasis on looks and not the 'important stuff' -> looks fade and what will you be left with then? -> so retrain yourself" line of thought that gives me some questions/problems.

By that reasoning - wasn't it problematic for me at 20 to exclude 60 year old women? After all - someday my wife will be 60 years old! And if it gives me problems now - what will I do then? lol

I think all that is being pointed out is that across various studies people rate certain traits more attractive, and those tend to decrease with age.

 

[Poppyseed78]

This is such a complicated situation. It could be there is more information to this story that we don't have. Perhaps there are mental issues at play, such as grief as a result of what the couple went through. It's difficult for us to give advice based on the limited information presented, especially when it comes to something as personal as sexual arousal within a marriage.

 

[JRichard68]

I noticed that when the posts wandered into "dude, it's not your wife..." territory, he bolted.

 

[SolomonVII]

I think all that is being pointed out is that across various studies people rate certain traits more attractive, and those tend to decrease with age.

Biological systems have developed mechanisms to adapt to change in environments and situations. Reproductive success increases when fecundity plays a major role in what a male finds attractive in a female. The female of the species has a different set of criteria of sexual choice, that develops out of the different set of circumstances that women face in reproduction.
It is not just random that men, overall, albeit with great variance among individuals, are attracted to youth in women, while with women that attractions to youthfulness is not as great a priority what they find most attractive in men.

25 year old women vary significantly with 60 year old women in their fecundity. This is not the case with the fecundity of men.

Monogamy on the other hand, is more a product of our spirituality and our moral values derived from that spirituality which has transformed our societies, than a product of strictly biological survival mechanisms.
Ever since banishment from Eden, we exist in two worlds. There will be conflicts in our innermost desires.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

What’s weird is when I was 15-25, I had no problem rattling off the names of 60+ year old guys that were hot. Not sure what this says about me...

 

[DZoolander]

What’s weird is when I was 15-25, I had no problem rattling off the names of 60+ year old guys that were hot. Not sure what this says about me...

Probably because there are so few that you knew who they all were. lol

j/k

 

[Tropical Wilds]

There were a surprising number of them, though a woman finding an older man attractive isn’t the big *gasp* moment it is when a younger man is attracted to an older woman. Take Marcus Lemonis. He’s a not unattractive guy, but he hid the fact his new bride is in her late 60s, early 70s because people would act poorly. Which they did.

 

[DZoolander]

I dunno - maybe it's just a matter of perspective since although I'm definitely not young anymore - I'm still kinda "young-ish" (meaning - not OLD lol)...but I look at ages as thresholds in a weird kinda way.

...and 70+ is old.

I'd have NEARLY an equally hard time seeing a 50 year old woman date a 70 year old man as I would a 70 year old man dating a 50 year old woman. I just wouldn't see the attraction. That person more likely than not is gonna die soon. Why would someone even bother?

I guess I've always thought that like ought be attracted to like.

For example, say I was single. I wouldn't date a 20 year old for reasons I've already outlined in this thread. At the same time, though, I wouldn't see what she would see in someone my age. Would a 20 year old really want to doom herself to taking care of some old fogey by the time she's middle aged? If she did, why? Because I'm so much fun to talk to? lol Because she likes my input on what college courses she ought take?

I just don't get dating relationships where there's a significant age difference...and usually I suspect there's either some ulterior motive (or problem) behind it. There's either some gold digging or arrested development going on there - neither of which is exactly ideal.

But - that's just me

 

[ReceiverOfMercy]

I do know this much... if God has commanded you to have a consistent sexual relationship with your wife (which he has) and he has commanded you not to divorce her, then he will provide the means for you to obey him. His word tells us that he has equipped us to do his will. There's a way to give your wife what she needs. Bear with me, I have several thoughts...

1. She sounds like she may have a hormone imbalance. Her weight, sex drive, and struggle to lose weight strongly suggest that. Has she tried a ketogenic diet? Many women with hormone imbalances are finding relief fairly quickly with that.
2. You can give her a "helping hand" when she desires you but you aren't able to get there. It's a selfless act and it may help your desire grow.
3. Studies are finding that sexual desire doesn't always come before sex. For some people, desire follows after they begin being intimate. Are you one of those people?
4. I know it's not always the way we think, but physical appearance doesn't always have to be what drives your desire. Turn the lights off and remember your first time together. Enjoy her touch. Concentrate on physical sensations. Train your mind to equate your wife with those feelings rather than just her appearance.
5. There's something bigger at stake—your marriage is a picture of the Gospel to the entire world. It's never been about you OR your wife, it's about illustrating to the world the commitment and care that Christ shows the church. You are free to break your vows when Jesus breaks his.