What to do being stuck living with a money demanding mother (while married)....

[NothingIsImpossible]

So many of you know my story. But for those who don't I'll give you a brief version.

So my wife and I are in our 30s. She came from a rather poor country a few years ago. Been married 6 years. I'm on disability (not the work version where you get a ton of money. like $650). My wife works part time (4700+ to $1500 depending on overtime/holidays). Which sometimes takes away some of my SSI money. I also get good stamps (not alot). We live at home with my mom and dad, who recently bought the home and pay a mortgage (about $850 a month).

My mom has been known to have anger issues but to some degree has gotten a bit better, she also had a drinking issue and misspends money. But shes never worked a job. My dad has a jod for nearly 50 years until his plant shut down two years short of retirement. Which screwed up his future income for various reasons. Since then he was getting unemployment from the company due to surgeries caused from working there, the company paid for them. His checks ran out two weeks ago and now hes only getting SSI, but not a amount that was close to what he was getting before.

So onto the question at hand. With my dad getting not alot of money (like $1400 I think a month) my mom is asking for pretty much most of my wifes money a month to pay for my parents bills. We already give them around $800 to 1k a month depending on various factors. Shes now messaging me and leaving me notes complaining about my wife again and how she doesn't "contribute". Which eventually leads to my wife and her fighting and my wife will quit her job as always leaving my mom with no words. I pray that doesn't happen of course.

My wife is still not a citizen, has no real health insurance and doesn't even drive yet. Shes working on becoming a citizen this year so she can get health insurance. And she would like to drive since it would be less strainful to my parents who drive us currently (I can't drive).

My feeling is my mom needs to get a job, even part time. She needs to support her husband and marriage instead of depending on her son and wife to pay their bills. She says she can't work because shes busy. Busy meaning spending every day for hours on end volunteering for a local group. Even spending money sometimes for the group. She also wastes alot of money on things that are not important. And she drinks a few bottles of wine a week. Which make her "calm", but also angrier.

I'm so stressed and don't know what to do. My dad is to wimpy to tell my mom to work, though he will complain she spends to much. I know the first answer people tend to say is "Move out!". Which sounds easy in idea but is not. The cheapest place around here is $500 and its in the inner city which is super run down, dirty, has lots of shootings...etc. Which would be even more dangerous for my wife to take the bus at. And with all my health issue my doctors say to avoid living in run down places as it will make my health even worse then it is now.

I cannot force my mom to work of course. And my wife agreed if my mom didn't waste so much money maybe we could give them more. Or if my wife worked full time we could give more for sure. But with my mom not working, it puts a strain on us and means we can never get our lives on track (driving, health, full time job)...etc.

I should point out none of this would have been a big deal had my dads company not closed suddenly. He was making VERY good money at the time and the mortgage was not a big deal. So the unexpected closing is what through the wrench in all this. And to top it off part of my parents legal agreement on bringing my wife here is to support her until shes on her feet. But my feels that only had to do with when she was intially here.

My only solution for now is to have faith some miracle comes about. Whether it be my mom working or my wife finding a better paying job. Or even a place to live. My pastor really doesn't know what to do as he sees issues on both sides. And my wife is not able to accept criticsm or get help for herself. My wifes only remarks in the past were if worse came to worse she would just move back home to her country and we would stay married. Which neither of us wants but it would force my mom into HAVING to work as she would have no one else to blame for a lack of money.

Our marriage is WONDERFUL btw. Its only when money comes up that we get stressed.

 

[Andrew77]

So many of you know my story. But for those who don't I'll give you a brief version.

So my wife and I are in our 30s. She came from a rather poor country a few years ago. Been married 6 years. I'm on disability (not the work version where you get a ton of money. like $650). My wife works part time (4700+ to $1500 depending on overtime/holidays). Which sometimes takes away some of my SSI money. I also get good stamps (not alot). We live at home with my mom and dad, who recently bought the home and pay a mortgage (about $850 a month).

My mom has been known to have anger issues but to some degree has gotten a bit better, she also had a drinking issue and misspends money. But shes never worked a job. My dad has a jod for nearly 50 years until his plant shut down two years short of retirement. Which screwed up his future income for various reasons. Since then he was getting unemployment from the company due to surgeries caused from working there, the company paid for them. His checks ran out two weeks ago and now hes only getting SSI, but not a amount that was close to what he was getting before.

So onto the question at hand. With my dad getting not alot of money (like $1400 I think a month) my mom is asking for pretty much most of my wifes money a month to pay for my parents bills. We already give them around $800 to 1k a month depending on various factors. Shes now messaging me and leaving me notes complaining about my wife again and how she doesn't "contribute". Which eventually leads to my wife and her fighting and my wife will quit her job as always leaving my mom with no words. I pray that doesn't happen of course.

My wife is still not a citizen, has no real health insurance and doesn't even drive yet. Shes working on becoming a citizen this year so she can get health insurance. And she would like to drive since it would be less strainful to my parents who drive us currently (I can't drive).

My feeling is my mom needs to get a job, even part time. She needs to support her husband and marriage instead of depending on her son and wife to pay their bills. She says she can't work because shes busy. Busy meaning spending every day for hours on end volunteering for a local group. Even spending money sometimes for the group. She also wastes alot of money on things that are not important. And she drinks a few bottles of wine a week. Which make her "calm", but also angrier.

I'm so stressed and don't know what to do. My dad is to wimpy to tell my mom to work, though he will complain she spends to much. I know the first answer people tend to say is "Move out!". Which sounds easy in idea but is not. The cheapest place around here is $500 and its in the inner city which is super run down, dirty, has lots of shootings...etc. Which would be even more dangerous for my wife to take the bus at. And with all my health issue my doctors say to avoid living in run down places as it will make my health even worse then it is now.

I cannot force my mom to work of course. And my wife agreed if my mom didn't waste so much money maybe we could give them more. Or if my wife worked full time we could give more for sure. But with my mom not working, it puts a strain on us and means we can never get our lives on track (driving, health, full time job)...etc.

I should point out none of this would have been a big deal had my dads company not closed suddenly. He was making VERY good money at the time and the mortgage was not a big deal. So the unexpected closing is what through the wrench in all this. And to top it off part of my parents legal agreement on bringing my wife here is to support her until shes on her feet. But my feels that only had to do with when she was intially here.

My only solution for now is to have faith some miracle comes about. Whether it be my mom working or my wife finding a better paying job. Or even a place to live. My pastor really doesn't know what to do as he sees issues on both sides. And my wife is not able to accept criticsm or get help for herself. My wifes only remarks in the past were if worse came to worse she would just move back home to her country and we would stay married. Which neither of us wants but it would force my mom into HAVING to work as she would have no one else to blame for a lack of money.

Our marriage is WONDERFUL btw. Its only when money comes up that we get stressed.

I think my first bit of advice is that you need to stop thinking about your parents entirely.

A ton of stress in this world, is self inflicted. It is people choosing to think about, and stress over, things they have zero control over.

You can't control what your father does. You can't control what your mother does. Nothing you do will have any impact on them, whatsoever. So you stressing out about something you have zero control over, does absolutely nothing for you. Nothing. NOTHING.

Sitting around thinking about "If my mother would only do X, then things would be better" is a waste of your time, and your well being.

You can't control anyone else. Nor can you control your wife even.

There is only one single person on the face of this Earth, that you can control. That is you.

What can you do to change this?

What can you do? Not what can others do to fix your life, what can YOU do?

Years ago I met a guy who had both his legs cut off. He said that when he was younger, he drove his car across some train tracks, and the car stalled out. For some reason he doesn't remember, he ran back to the car, and the train hit him.

He spent 3 years living off the government, and simply came to a conclusion... he can either spend the rest of his life living in poverty on handouts, or he can find something to earn a living.

He went to school, got a degree in electrical engineering, and now he's an electrical engineer. He's not rolling in the money, but he's making a worthwhile living.

I don't know what your situation is, but generally you have two options. You can accept that this is your life, and you have to live off the handouts of your parents, and therefore you must put up with their abuse.....

Or, you can find something, anything, that will bring in some money, and use it to have your own place.

Lastly, about that inner city, run down, super scary to take the bus....

I've lived in places like that. Yeah, it sucks. Well, your life sucks right now. I'm not sure that it would be worse. In fact, I think having a home you can go to, that doesn't have strife and stress, would be better even if run down and taking the bus.

And to be honest, safety is an illusion anyway. Taking the bus isn't dangerous. Now be smart of course, don't move in right next to a crack house, with needles all over the yard.

But I would be moving out if I were you. I'd stop making excuses, and move out. What you are describing here, is absolute misery. I'd be looking for a place to live, not looking for more excuses.

Just to say this again, no matter what you decide to do, stop worrying about what your parents are going to do. You can't control them. Period. You have absolutely no influence on their lives. Only your life. You need to worry about what you are going to do, not them. All you are doing is stressing yourself out, without any reason or purpose. No matter how much you think on what they 'could do', nothing is going to change. So just stop. Worry about yourself. Pray that G-d gives you direction, as you look for something you CAN DO to make money.

 

[Hazelelponi]

You'll need to look into housing assistance. The waiting lists are often 18 months, (sometimes shorter, sometimes longer) So you and your wife need to apply now.. the government puts your rent on a sliding scale according to your income. It gives you the ability to live on your own.

Your marriage won't last in a stress filled environment... you need to take care of your families (your wife and child) health and wellbeing.

Beyond that if your living in your parents house the mortgage is not the only expense of having you live there. Water bills go up, grocery bills increase, additional electric etc; the more people in a house, the more is spent to run the house.

My husband and I spend 300 a month on food. 100 a month on toiletries and extras like laundry soap and so forth. That is food costs in the modern day if you don't eat beans and rice, and even that isn't as cheap as it once was.

So if your giving money for food and housing then your probably not giving your fair share as 50% of all the bills and housing are your responsibility. Half the mortgage, half the utilities, half the groceries..

But if your buying your own food then your probably giving too much. 425 rent, plus half utilities, (probably another 200 per month or so) is your due for just staying there, not including food.

So perhaps, for the time your living with your parents, you need to sit with your mom and dad together and hammer out what your going to give them each month, get it in writing and then pay them that amount - getting a receipt every time you pay since your mother is a spend thrift and a drunk.

But it's not seen as your parents responsibility to support you when your in your 30's after they are in retirement. This is the time of their life they would normally be able to count on you for your for help when they need...

I'm not saying that to put guilt on you, but rather to make you think.

Right now it sounds like this entire situation is actually in everyone's benefit, your struggling, your parents certainly are if one disability check is all they have and their mortgage is over half of it..

It's not a bad thing to actually split bills, you would be helping your parents, and they would be helping you, and there would be fairness and equity about it.. just sit down and hammer out the financial details, and then treat it as such until you can get housing.

Perhaps that will take some of the stress off the situation.

 

[mina]

You need to have a lease agreement with your parents- a set amount in writing (a contract) that names exactly the set amount you need to pay each month for living there. You are living there with them and using utilities so helping with the monthly expenses is a good thing and not unreasonable-$800-$1000 a month with use of a whole house with utilities included is actually a steal. YOu can not control what your mother chooses to do: she may go get a job on her own or she may not. You can not control how she spends her money. At this point in time, you need them and they need you. Perhaps you could find a way to help take the burden off your wife by selling things on ebay to bring some more money in monthly , or you could join something like swagbucks and run the videos constantly to get points to trade in for giftcards to places like amazon or walmart (it's basically free giftcards for little effort to buy things you needed anyway).

But the bottom line is there needs to be a lease or rental agreement or rooming contract with a SET monthly amount- no more or no less. Your parent's problems are between them- do not get involved in their marriage and how your mom needs to help your dad, etc..... it's between them. You worry about your own marriage. You need to be protecting your wife from being verbally punched by your mom and if possible work on obtaining a home or room away from your parents; even if it's just a hotel for a stress free night or weekend (to give her time away from that environment even for a short time)- your wife needs to know that you care about her and your priority is her over your parents. Ask around at church if anyone is willing to rent a room or basement space to you and your wife, look at ads in the paper. Several people at my church do this for others. It might not be ideal, but having a space of your own without people bothering you or your wife , and knowing exactly what your monthly expense will be that won't change depending on your mom's moods; will great relieve the stress of all that.

 

[Newtheran]

So many of you know my story. But for those who don't I'll give you a brief version.

So my wife and I are in our 30s. She came from a rather poor country a few years ago. Been married 6 years. I'm on disability (not the work version where you get a ton of money. like $650). My wife works part time (4700+ to $1500 depending on overtime/holidays). Which sometimes takes away some of my SSI money. I also get good stamps (not alot). We live at home with my mom and dad, who recently bought the home and pay a mortgage (about $850 a month).

My mom has been known to have anger issues but to some degree has gotten a bit better, she also had a drinking issue and misspends money. But shes never worked a job. My dad has a jod for nearly 50 years until his plant shut down two years short of retirement. Which screwed up his future income for various reasons. Since then he was getting unemployment from the company due to surgeries caused from working there, the company paid for them. His checks ran out two weeks ago and now hes only getting SSI, but not a amount that was close to what he was getting before.

So onto the question at hand. With my dad getting not alot of money (like $1400 I think a month) my mom is asking for pretty much most of my wifes money a month to pay for my parents bills. We already give them around $800 to 1k a month depending on various factors. Shes now messaging me and leaving me notes complaining about my wife again and how she doesn't "contribute". Which eventually leads to my wife and her fighting and my wife will quit her job as always leaving my mom with no words. I pray that doesn't happen of course.

My wife is still not a citizen, has no real health insurance and doesn't even drive yet. Shes working on becoming a citizen this year so she can get health insurance. And she would like to drive since it would be less strainful to my parents who drive us currently (I can't drive).

My feeling is my mom needs to get a job, even part time. She needs to support her husband and marriage instead of depending on her son and wife to pay their bills. She says she can't work because shes busy. Busy meaning spending every day for hours on end volunteering for a local group. Even spending money sometimes for the group. She also wastes alot of money on things that are not important. And she drinks a few bottles of wine a week. Which make her "calm", but also angrier.

I'm so stressed and don't know what to do. My dad is to wimpy to tell my mom to work, though he will complain she spends to much. I know the first answer people tend to say is "Move out!". Which sounds easy in idea but is not. The cheapest place around here is $500 and its in the inner city which is super run down, dirty, has lots of shootings...etc. Which would be even more dangerous for my wife to take the bus at. And with all my health issue my doctors say to avoid living in run down places as it will make my health even worse then it is now.

I cannot force my mom to work of course. And my wife agreed if my mom didn't waste so much money maybe we could give them more. Or if my wife worked full time we could give more for sure. But with my mom not working, it puts a strain on us and means we can never get our lives on track (driving, health, full time job)...etc.

I should point out none of this would have been a big deal had my dads company not closed suddenly. He was making VERY good money at the time and the mortgage was not a big deal. So the unexpected closing is what through the wrench in all this. And to top it off part of my parents legal agreement on bringing my wife here is to support her until shes on her feet. But my feels that only had to do with when she was intially here.

My only solution for now is to have faith some miracle comes about. Whether it be my mom working or my wife finding a better paying job. Or even a place to live. My pastor really doesn't know what to do as he sees issues on both sides. And my wife is not able to accept criticsm or get help for herself. My wifes only remarks in the past were if worse came to worse she would just move back home to her country and we would stay married. Which neither of us wants but it would force my mom into HAVING to work as she would have no one else to blame for a lack of money.

Our marriage is WONDERFUL btw. Its only when money comes up that we get stressed.

What are the details of your disability?

 

[Kit Sigmon]

So many of you know my story. But for those who don't I'll give you a brief version.

So my wife and I are in our 30s. She came from a rather poor country a few years ago. Been married 6 years. I'm on disability (not the work version where you get a ton of money. like $650). My wife works part time (4700+ to $1500 depending on overtime/holidays). Which sometimes takes away some of my SSI money. I also get good stamps (not alot). We live at home with my mom and dad, who recently bought the home and pay a mortgage (about $850 a month).

My mom has been known to have anger issues but to some degree has gotten a bit better, she also had a drinking issue and misspends money. But shes never worked a job. My dad has a jod for nearly 50 years until his plant shut down two years short of retirement. Which screwed up his future income for various reasons. Since then he was getting unemployment from the company due to surgeries caused from working there, the company paid for them. His checks ran out two weeks ago and now hes only getting SSI, but not a amount that was close to what he was getting before.

So onto the question at hand. With my dad getting not alot of money (like $1400 I think a month) my mom is asking for pretty much most of my wifes money a month to pay for my parents bills. We already give them around $800 to 1k a month depending on various factors. Shes now messaging me and leaving me notes complaining about my wife again and how she doesn't "contribute". Which eventually leads to my wife and her fighting and my wife will quit her job as always leaving my mom with no words. I pray that doesn't happen of course.

My wife is still not a citizen, has no real health insurance and doesn't even drive yet. Shes working on becoming a citizen this year so she can get health insurance. And she would like to drive since it would be less strainful to my parents who drive us currently (I can't drive).

My feeling is my mom needs to get a job, even part time. She needs to support her husband and marriage instead of depending on her son and wife to pay their bills. She says she can't work because shes busy. Busy meaning spending every day for hours on end volunteering for a local group. Even spending money sometimes for the group. She also wastes alot of money on things that are not important. And she drinks a few bottles of wine a week. Which make her "calm", but also angrier.

I'm so stressed and don't know what to do. My dad is to wimpy to tell my mom to work, though he will complain she spends to much. I know the first answer people tend to say is "Move out!". Which sounds easy in idea but is not. The cheapest place around here is $500 and its in the inner city which is super run down, dirty, has lots of shootings...etc. Which would be even more dangerous for my wife to take the bus at. And with all my health issue my doctors say to avoid living in run down places as it will make my health even worse then it is now.

I cannot force my mom to work of course. And my wife agreed if my mom didn't waste so much money maybe we could give them more. Or if my wife worked full time we could give more for sure. But with my mom not working, it puts a strain on us and means we can never get our lives on track (driving, health, full time job)...etc.

I should point out none of this would have been a big deal had my dads company not closed suddenly. He was making VERY good money at the time and the mortgage was not a big deal. So the unexpected closing is what through the wrench in all this. And to top it off part of my parents legal agreement on bringing my wife here is to support her until shes on her feet. But my feels that only had to do with when she was intially here.

My only solution for now is to have faith some miracle comes about. Whether it be my mom working or my wife finding a better paying job. Or even a place to live. My pastor really doesn't know what to do as he sees issues on both sides. And my wife is not able to accept criticsm or get help for herself. My wifes only remarks in the past were if worse came to worse she would just move back home to her country and we would stay married. Which neither of us wants but it would force my mom into HAVING to work as she would have no one else to blame for a lack of money.

Our marriage is WONDERFUL btw. Its only when money comes up that we get stressed.

What mess things up is not having a nest egg to fall back on...like at least a year's living expenses or at least a year's worth of mortgage payments...maximum of 2 or more year's living expenses or mortgage payments.
We got a year's worth.
We use to do six months but found that wasn't enough.

If you all ain't got a lease agreement with your parents...I do say it's high time you all got one in place...you been living with them for six years now and neither of you drive? you don't have a lease agreement yet why not?

Now, you know your parents very well (according to your other posts I've read) and should of taken care to protect yourselves if you going to be living with them longer than a few months.

You all giving them what would be rental payments($800.00 to $1,000 each month), you could be moved out already... mom and dad know to step up and take care of themselves/and or go get assistance, down-size to affordable digs...You don't have a vehicle, there's other modes of transportation...use that...lots of folks rides bikes to work...manual ones or powered ones...not
to mention carpooling /share a ride etc.

A neighbor of mine is a young man, he's confined to a wheelchair, he got some in-home health come in a couple times a week still yet until he and his wife get
moved into their new home...he works as an online lifecoach and does tax returns...both jobs all be done at home on the computer and telephone.
I'm going to miss him/ them...it's too bad the home he rented all these years
is rental property and the owner don't want to sell it out right....that's how it
goes sometimes.

My neighborhood ain't upscale either and we do have some thefts going on but we do blockwatch and patrolling and call the police when necessary... lots of attempted thefts have been prevented.
Most of this comes from homeless people and young people acting up...doing
vandalism and stealing stuff like lawn ornaments/decorations.
We just keep our eyes and ears open... this is what we can afford on what is pretty much a fixed income...my husband works part time on a farm and we get by alright. My husband is the bread-winner and I'm the make the dollar go as far as possible.

 

[mkgal1]

I don't know what your situation is, but generally you have two options. You can accept that this is your life, and you have to live off the handouts of your parents, and therefore you must put up with their abuse.....

You're right.....you don't know what his situation is, so why did you respond as if you do? Using words like "handouts" and "excuses" are [insulting] presumptions.

 

[Andrew77]

You're right.....you don't know what his situation is, so why did you respond as if you do? Using words like "handouts" and "excuses" are [insulting] presumptions.

If an individual wishes to have advice, and does not provide full knowledge of the situation, it is impossible to provide advice without assumptions.

To expect people to not make assumptions about a situation, without having knowledge of that situation, is illogical and impossible.

If you wish people who don't know every aspect of the situation to not respond, then not a single person here should have responded, including you. Better still, he should not have made the post to begin with.

Lastly, there are only two types of assumptions. True assumptions, and false assumptions. If the assumption is true, you shouldn't be 'insulted by it'. You should instead change how you live. If the assumption is false, then you shouldn't be 'insulted' because it's not true.

Christians should be the very last people to be offended and insulted by things. Just look at our Savior Jesus. He was insulted and accused, and people assumed all sorts of false things against him, and it never bothered him because he knew it wasn't true.

And as a last note... I am man, responding to a man. He came here looking for advice, and I gave him the best advice that I have. I am not so arrogant that if he doesn't take my advice, that it will bother me. He is an adult man. He can make his own choices, whether it is to heed my advice, or ignore it.

But I am not here to sugar coat my answers. I answer as I see fit and most honest. He is free to ignore it, as are you. I didn't take your money, and I didn't pay you to listen. No one is required to read a single post of mine, and it will not bother me if you don't.

We are all here just trying to give the best answers we have, to the questions given. That's all. No one should get upset over it.

 

[LoricaLady]

I say ditto to what Hazelelponi said. Also, there is absolutely no way you and your wife are going to survive in a marriage while living with your parents. "And a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home..." Messiah said that.

 

[mama2one]

make a plan and then cross things off one at a time

such as your wife becoming a citizen
and wife learning to drive
(so not dependent on parents for driving)


save so you can move out
one step at a time but work towards becoming independent of parents

 

[ValleyGal]

I should point out none of this would have been a big deal had my dads company not closed suddenly. He was making VERY good money at the time and the mortgage was not a big deal. So the unexpected closing is what through the wrench in all this.

NiI, I am going to say the truth, and hope you will accept it with the compassion I offer it.... what I quoted is not the whole case. It was only a matter of months - less than a year - after your wife moved to the US, that you started posting about problems with money, your mom, and your wife. So yes, this has been a big deal for years, and is not the direct result of your dad's company closing before he could retire.

All of the advice on this thread has been given to you in the last 5+ years by other members. So my question to you is along the lines of Andrew - when will you and your wife figure out what you and your wife are going to do about you and your wife's situation? How far ahead would you have been now, had you heeded all this advice 5 years ago? Hint: If it took two years to get into a subsidized apartment, you likely would have it fixed up to your satisfaction, as well as your wife would likely have her license and possibly even a small commuter car. Instead, you are in the exact same position, with the exact same problems.

What is it going to take to make things better for you and your wife?