What next!

[Mayzoo]

Either way, if you are or aren't....I am very sorry to hear of your problem.

 

[MIboy]

When I reflect back on all the sermons I have heard I honestly can not say I ever heard the importance of standing up for your spouse over all other people. I just think from what I experienced and what I have read on a few posts here isn't just as simple as "they don't have any backbone". I honestly believe my wife thinks that her loyalty to her biological family is equal to her husband. I truly think she believes the appropriate response is to be neutral. I'd like to hear from people who can tell me if they have heard sermons on what exactly it means when two become one flesh. In terms that if you see your spouse being mistreated by in-laws or whoever your loyalty is to your spouse. I just think that some spouses think it is unfair to them if you ask for some support when it comes to in-laws. My wife responded many times by saying, "you're only trying to seperate me from my family". She really could not see how her family being rude etc.... had anything to do with her. I'd like to hear if anyone has had experience even in pre-marital counseling on this topic of where your loyalty lies in Gods word when it comes between spouse and family.

 

[Manna]

um, this story is eerily familiar...

deja vu...

 

[Mayzoo]

It is in the marriage vows--...paraphased version...."that you may leave your mother and father and cleave only unto each other"

 

[bliz]

Sorry if I dreailed this by asking about previous posts...

Sadly, your wife put her family ahead of you, her husband, and that is clearly not Biblical. And, clearly, this was also done with the encouragement of her family. When a couple marries, our spouse must then come first in our lives, humanly speaking. Anyone who says that there aren't times of conflict and adjustment is lying, but that is how it is supposed to be. I have heard this discussed in sermons many times.

I think the problem starts when parents raise their children to see their birth family as central. My mother always said to me "I'm so glad God loaned you to me for a little while." It was always clear that birth family was very important, but also temporary. I would one day go and have my own life - married or single. Your wife's family clearly does not see it that way. Her father in particular sees himself as head of a large, extended family who are all loyal to him. That might be the stuff of movies, but there is nothing Biblical about it.

I don't see a solution here. Unless your wife is going to change her position and put you ahead of her family I don't see anyway your marriage can be restored. I can understand how hurt and angry you are. You never had your rightful place in your wife's heart and mind. By remaining silent when you were attacked, she betrayed you to her family over and over again.

I take marriage seriously and grieve over divorce, but my friend, as much as it hurts now, you will be better off out of this marriage. One could argue that there never was a marriage becasue your wife never committed to the relationship. She is the one who had an opportunity to make a good life with you and has chosen to go back into the swamp where her family lives.

 

[pegatha]

I honestly believe my wife thinks that her loyalty to her biological family is equal to her husband. I truly think she believes the appropriate response is to be neutral. I'd like to hear from people who can tell me if they have heard sermons on what exactly it means when two become one flesh. In terms that if you see your spouse being mistreated by in-laws or whoever your loyalty is to your spouse... I'd like to hear if anyone has had experience even in pre-marital counseling on this topic of where your loyalty lies in Gods word when it comes between spouse and family.

You were entirely right to expect your wife's first loyalty, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I had always been taught that marriage comes first, as per the leave-and-cleave commandment in Genesis. I went into marriage with this assumption so deeply ingrained that it never occured to me that my husband (also a Christian) could think otherwise.

But as it turns out, he has seldom stood up to his parents (or, now that his parents are dead, his brothers) when they've criticized or marginalized me, even when he privately acknowledges that they're in the wrong. I'm always supposed to be the one to back down for the sake of family "peace". My situation is much less extreme than yours, but it's so painful sometimes that I can't even imagine much worse it must be for you. I don't have a solution for what you're going through, but my heart & prayers go out to you.

 

[bkg]

I take marriage seriously and grieve over divorce, but my friend, as much as it hurts now, you will be better off out of this marriage. One could argue that there never was a marriage becasue your wife never committed to the relationship. She is the one who had an opportunity to make a good life with you and has chosen to go back into the swamp where her family lives.

So you are saying that divorce is okay if the spouse is struggling with priorities of needs? I'd like to ask you for Biblical references to that, please, as I don't think anywhere does the Bible state that it's okay to divorce if your spouse has a leave and cleave problem.

[soapbox]
As a divorced person, I am terribly saddened by the quickness in which Christians jump to "you'll be better off if you divorce this person" when there is no Scriptural basis for those claims. God HATES divorce! He says it very, very clearly. Why even suggest it as an option, when all that does is give Satan a foot-hold in the relationship and allows him to destroy it from the inside out? Have we forgotten that "All things are possible" through God? Have we become so week in our faith as Christians that we put more stock into our own human powers than we put into God? Have we fallen so far (no pun intended) that we want only what is easy and not what is glorifying to God?

Divorce is a horribly painful, incredibly evil thing to go through. And recommending it for situations that seemingly require only a strong faith in Christ to change us and our spouse.... well.... it's a very sad thing to hear. I plead with all of those struggling in their marriage to close the door to Satan, never utter the word divorce, and make Jesus the number 1 priority in your life... let Him take care of the rest.
[/soapbox]

Sorry for the hi-jack MIboy - I totally and completely empathise with your situation, but I do not believe it is too big for God to solve. Please accept my apologies if I have detoured this thread too much.

Keep praying for your wife and your marriage.
bkg

 

[MIboy]

Sorry if I dreailed this by asking about previous posts...

Thank you! Apology accepted.



I don't see a solution here. Unless your wife is going to change her position and put you ahead of her family I don't see anyway your marriage can be restored. I can understand how hurt and angry you are. You never had your rightful place in your wife's heart and mind. By remaining silent when you were attacked, she betrayed you to her family over and over again.

There is a solution and that is of course to accept that my father in-law is a living breathing deity. Thank you for your wisdom and empathy Bliz!

 

[bliz]

So you are saying that divorce is okay if the spouse is struggling with priorities of needs? I'd like to ask you for Biblical references to that, please, as I don't think anywhere does the Bible state that it's okay to divorce if your spouse has a leave and cleave problem.

[soapbox]
As a divorced person, I am terribly saddened by the quickness in which Christians jump to "you'll be better off if you divorce this person" when there is no Scriptural basis for those claims. God HATES divorce! He says it very, very clearly. Why even suggest it as an option, when all that does is give Satan a foot-hold in the relationship and allows him to destroy it from the inside out? Have we forgotten that "All things are possible" through God? Have we become so week in our faith as Christians that we put more stock into our own human powers than we put into God? Have we fallen so far (no pun intended) that we want only what is easy and not what is glorifying to God?

Divorce is a horribly painful, incredibly evil thing to go through. And recommending it for situations that seemingly require only a strong faith in Christ to change us and our spouse.... well.... it's a very sad thing to hear. I plead with all of those struggling in their marriage to close the door to Satan, never utter the word divorce, and make Jesus the number 1 priority in your life... let Him take care of the rest.
[/soapbox]

Pay attention, bkg. I did not suggest that he get a divorce. I did not encourage him to do so. His wife has filed for divorce. The idea of divorce is already out there and it seems to me that Satan has had a base camp in this marriage for a very long time. No mention of divorce was needed; a distorted image of marriage, courtsey of the father of the bride, seems to have done the job quite well with no hint of the 'D' word nearby.

If his wife wishes to continue with divorce proceedings, how can he stop it? I have worked with friends in similiar situations and not found a way to bring the divorce to a halt unless the other party is willing. You can be divorced against your will, as you well know. You can even be divorced without your knowledge - not quite legally, but the crossing of state lines makes for interesting situations and politics.

If I could write the script for this marriage, the wife would be convicted of her sin in not honoring her husband and cleaving to him as she should have and together, with minimal contact from her family, they could rebuild the marriage. That's what I want to see happen. And God has the power to make it so!

But God also lets us sin. He lets us set our hearts against His will and desires for us. And when that happens in a marriage, and there is a divorce, the other person has to go on living. This guy is going to pick up the pieces and carry on one way or another. He has not had the blessing of a Godly marriage. He has not known the comfort of a wife who put him first and who protected him from her family and stood by his side. I do not believe that he needs to spend the rest of his life in pain and despair. Divorce is not a death sentence. It is not the unpardonable sin.

I know that you are in the midst of the pain and dismay and bewilderment from your divorce, which you have with great candor, been wrestling through on a number of these threads. I do not know that pain personally, but I have seen enough of it to know that I wish it on no one. I am sorry for your pain, and for the pain of the OP and the pain yet to come. But I still believe that joy can coe in the nmorning, and that God wants that for His divorced children, too.

 

[bkg]

Pay attention, bkg. I did not suggest that he get a divorce. I did not encourage him to do so. His wife has filed for divorce. The idea of divorce is already out there and it seems to me that Satan has had a base camp in this marriage for a very long time. No mention of divorce was needed; a distorted image of marriage, courtsey of the father of the bride, seems to have done the job quite well with no hint of the 'D' word nearby.

Good point - I neglected that aspect of the situation. I do however feel it's very important to not encourage "life after divorce" in any way shape or form.

If his wife wishes to continue with divorce proceedings, how can he stop it? I have worked with friends in similiar situations and not found a way to bring the divorce to a halt unless the other party is willing. You can be divorced against your will, as you well know. You can even be divorced without your knowledge - not quite legally, but the crossing of state lines makes for interesting situations and politics.

I keep coming back to Faith that GOD will stop the divorce. Hoping against all hopes. Removing any and all sin from our lives that might stand in teh way of God's powerful hand. I guess what I mean is, seaking God and being convicted that it's not just "the other person" who is the sinner (not directed at MIBoy, btw, just a comment in general) and that perhaps God is hardening his/her heart because of a failure on our part. The verses escape me right now, but there are great numbers of accounts of this in the Bible.

But he/she has free will, BKG! I agree. But God can and does change hearts.

If I could write the script for this marriage, the wife would be convicted of her sin in not honoring her husband and cleaving to him as she should have and together, with minimal contact from her family, they could rebuild the marriage. That's what I want to see happen. And God has the power to make it so!

AMEN!!! Very well said!

But God also lets us sin. He lets us set our hearts against His will and desires for us. And when that happens in a marriage, and there is a divorce, the other person has to go on living. This guy is going to pick up the pieces and carry on one way or another. He has not had the blessing of a Godly marriage. He has not known the comfort of a wife who put him first and who protected him from her family and stood by his side. I do not believe that he needs to spend the rest of his life in pain and despair. Divorce is not a death sentence. It is not the unpardonable sin.

As I mentioend, none of this is directed at MiBoy's current situation, and I admittedly (and apologize again) hijacked the thread a bit. Yes, through the grace of God, the "left behind" continue, hopefully seeking God as his/her soul source of truth and love, staying true to God's commands and words. This is often the case, I beleive, that people are brought back to God through situations like this, and in that sense God does ues this to His glory.

I know that you are in the midst of the pain and dismay and bewilderment from your divorce, which you have with great candor, been wrestling through on a number of these threads. I do not know that pain personally, but I have seen enough of it to know that I wish it on no one. I am sorry for your pain, and for the pain of the OP and the pain yet to come. But I still believe that joy can coe in the nmorning, and that God wants that for His divorced children, too.

Ironically, my reaction has little to do with my own situation, though I have been blessed with a "sensitivity" towards this topic. That is, divorce is so prevelant and accepted these days that even the church is desensitized to it, even supporting it at many times. Something I find, in my own studies, a scary situation as it goes against the Will and teachings of God.

Anyway - my apologies for "lashing out". I just get queezy when anyone mentions live after divorce being "better" than living with our spouse... For GOD, ALL things are possible... that includes healed marriages. I wish I could give someone some magic fairy-dust so they would stop focusing on the "bad" in their situation and start focusing on God...

Again - I apologize to MIboy and others for the hijack.
bkg

 

[MIboy]

But God also lets us sin. He lets us set our hearts against His will and desires for us. And when that happens in a marriage, and there is a divorce, the other person has to go on living. This guy is going to pick up the pieces and carry on one way or another. He has not had the blessing of a Godly marriage. He has not known the comfort of a wife who put him first and who protected him from her family and stood by his side. I do not believe that he needs to spend the rest of his life in pain and despair. Divorce is not a death sentence. It is not the unpardonable sin.

I don't see divorce as a death sentence either. I can't change my wife. I can't make her more loyal to me. I can reach out to believers and ask for prayer and encouragement. We can all pray for my wife to be free of the bondage of self.

 

[Ashlynn]

Did your wife teach you how to put quotes in your posts? They look the same.

 

[MIboy]

Did your wife teach you how to put quotes in your posts? They look the same.

Thank you for your support and encouragement!

 

[IHMFIL]

All I can say after reading those posts is: I too for the past 8 years said to myself this can't be real. Thanks for sending this to me wheels4Christ.

I resent the fact MIboy that you are not making it clear to everyone who has asked of you if you are my soon to be ex-husband, and making it absolutely clear to all that you are not!

 

[Jenna]

pseudo multiple personality disorder? lol

 

[Ashlynn]

LOL couldnt have said it better myself Jenna.

Funny how she found this thread specifically...

Cant wait to see what happens- I've never seen someone have an arguement with themselves as different people before.

 

[Manna]

Oh my word....

 

[rainyday]

WOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH! I didn't see this when you first came on ... as I was moving from state-to-state.

You MUST BE IHMFIL'S husband ... if not, you're in their family. You're hitting on TOO MANY OF THE SAME ISSUES. TOO MANY.

If you are her husband, I don't blame you your bitterness. Her latest posts are on page one again ... are you MIboy?

If you are, do NOT judge all women by this one. After all, it's the FAMILY unit there; men and women alike within that family. That proves once again that it's individuals, not men vs women ... but those without God in their heart and soul. Those without a conscious. Those who have only selfish ways of thinking and living their lives.

If I let my bitterness over run my heart when I KNOW that all men aren't like my ex ... I'd be doing myself a great injustice and not loving my neighbor as Jesus had instructed. I have to keep remembering that because lately I've been very prone to hating men in general and I have to catch myself and remember it was the one, not the whole. Please do the same.

So, MIboy, does your soon to be ex-father in law coach football?

I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[IHMFIL]

WOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH! I didn't see this when you first came on ... as I was moving from state-to-state.

You MUST BE IHMFIL'S husband ... if not, you're in their family. You're hitting on TOO MANY OF THE SAME ISSUES. TOO MANY.

If you are her husband, I don't blame you your bitterness. Her latest posts are on page one again ... are you MIboy?

So, MIboy, does your soon to be ex-father in law coach football?

MIboy is not my husband. My husband would be too lazy to post anything on this site. I can totally understand why MIboy is feeling hurt. His in-laws were being disrespectful towards him without his best intentions in mind.