What next?

[IzzyPop]

So it looks like I'm getting a divorce. My wife told me yesterday that she no longer wants to be married. After 8 years and a child she 'discovered' that we have nothing in common. Nice, eh?

So I'm looking for a place. I have already stopped direct deposit on my paycheck and will be getting a new account tomorrow morning. She can keep most of the furniture, I plan on taking only the few items I came into the marriage that still remain. What else do I need to do for the immediate future?

 

[dayknee]

Unless there is more going on as to why she wants out..you seem pretty resolved and matter of fact about it. I really am not trying to be rude and Im sorry if it comes off that way. But it sounds like she wants one, you're giving her one, end of story.

I wanted to suggest praying but notice your symbol. But Im going to pray for you and your wife.
Did something happen between you two that might have lead her to want a divorce?
Not trying to pry, just wondering why she would up and say that.
Did you try to get her to go to counseling? You should try suggesting that.
Again, with very little information it's hard to know what your next step should be.
If it really wil not work and she is not willing to try to make it work or work through problems you should just make sure they are taken care of..and move on with your life as sad as that is.
Im sorry this is happeneing to you.

 

[TexasSky]

So it looks like I'm getting a divorce. My wife told me yesterday that she no longer wants to be married. After 8 years and a child she 'discovered' that we have nothing in common. Nice, eh?

So I'm looking for a place. I have already stopped direct deposit on my paycheck and will be getting a new account tomorrow morning. She can keep most of the furniture, I plan on taking only the few items I came into the marriage that still remain. What else do I need to do for the immediate future?

Have you considered, and asked her to consider, counseling to help the two of you find more in common? Or develop things in common?

As to the rest of your post. Be very, very, very careful about what you do financially at this point. In my state, both couples are required, by law, to continue contributing the same financial amounts during separation as they did while happily married until a court decides otherwise. This is for the sake of children and for the sake creditors. You cannot just say, "Fine, she has the house, she pays for the house," until a court order is in place.

You need to find an attorney.

You need to help your children through this too. Perhaps get counseling for them. Civilly consider the options that will be best for your child in regards to visitation and custody and finances.

You need to make 100% certain that your children know you love them, that they did not cause this, that they could not stop this. That this is about you and their mother, and they are just victims.

Do your best not to badmouth her. I know that will be hard, but try.

 

[IzzyPop]

Unless there is more going on as to why she wants out..you seem pretty resolved and matter of fact about it. I really am not trying to be rude and Im sorry if it comes off that way. But it sounds like she wants one, you're giving her one, end of story.

I am pretty sure there is more going on than I am aware of, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. What it is is what it is. The end result is the same whether she has found someone else or not.

I wanted to suggest praying but notice your symbol. But Im going to pray for you and your wife.

I appreciate that. When the going gets tough is when religion seems most appealing. I am a bit jealous of those of you that can pass the ultimate responsibility to someone higher up.

Did something happen between you two that might have lead her to want a divorce?

This was out of the blue for me. We have had our problems and struggles in the past. And as soon as two months ago, we were talking about how much better things were. She had grown distant over the past few weeks and I had been trying to get her to open up, but I had no idea that this was going on.

Not trying to pry, just wondering why she would up and say that.
Did you try to get her to go to counseling? You should try suggesting that.

I did. Her mind is made up.

Again, with very little information it's hard to know what your next step should be.
If it really wil not work and she is not willing to try to make it work or work through problems you should just make sure they are taken care of..and move on with your life as sad as that is.
Im sorry this is happeneing to you.

Thank you.

 

[dayknee]

I am pretty sure there is more going on than I am aware of, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. What it is is what it is. The end result is the same whether she has found someone else or not.

I appreciate that. When the going gets tough is when religion seems most appealing. I am a bit jealous of those of you that can pass the ultimate responsibility to someone higher up.
This was out of the blue for me. We have had our problems and struggles in the past. And as soon as two months ago, we were talking about how much better things were. She had grown distant over the past few weeks and I had been trying to get her to open up, but I had no idea that this was going on.

I did. Her mind is made up.
Thank you.

I want to encourage you right now to try to be fair in the finances and make sure that you also have enough money to care for your needs. I wish that it could be healed and solved for you.
And for me, praying is a great way to lift the burdens in my heart and give it so someone who knows exactly how to take care of it. And beleive me, I have a marriage in the toilet and going for divorce so I know how things get and how a person can feel. I think for my, the resolve has been there for a very long time. It seems that maybe your wife has felt the same way as well. Im very sorry you are suffering through this though.
And I will write you on my prayer sheet and be praying for you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Find out how much you will probably be on the hook for in child support. Then talk with her to see if anything will be contested in the divorce. If you and her are on the same page do the divorce papers yourself and save a ton of cash. Do not be more generous than you have to be with her but do be agreeable when it helps you get what you want out of it.

You basically have to decide what you want from the situation. Find out what is realistic. Then negotiate to make it happen.

 

[gwenmead]

Aw, man, Izzy. I'm so sorry.

Having been through a divorce myself, this is what I recommend.

Number One Priority: Get the best lawyer you can possibly afford, as fast as you possibly can.

Get your name off of every mutual obligation you have with your wife as fast as you possibly can. This includes bank accounts (which you're already working on) and credit cards in particular, but also things like utility bills. I do not recommend this for home or auto titles until you have spoken with an attorney.

Make a copy of every document and bill you have with your wife. Credit records, bills, Social Security, investment accounts, retirement accounts, the lot. Put the copies in a safe place outside of your mutual home.

Do not leave your child. As a father the courts will unfortunately be slanted against you. Speak to an attorney about custody arrangements before moving out, if at all possible. In the meantime, act like you are a saint. Do not give your wife or the courts even the remotest excuse to deny you custody or visitation.

Do your best not to badmouth your child's mother to your child. Let your child know what has already been said: that this split is not their fault, neither you nor their mother love them any less, and you are there to help them through this as you have always been there to help them through any hard time.

Get counseling if needed, for yourself and your child. If your wife is willing to go to marriage counseling, get that too. If not, there isn't much you can do.

Realize that you are going to run a gamut of emotions over the next year or so, maybe longer. Certainly things are going to be intense in the short run. Try to keep your emotions separate from the business of dissolving your marriage legally, as difficult as it may be. But also do whatever you need to do to take care of your emotions in a healthy way.

Get as much sleep, good food, and support as you can.

And hang in there.

Divorce bites. I'm so sorry. Hugs if you want 'em.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Gwenmead's post was wise with some very practical tips. I would like to echo what she said.

Also, I would like to lay down a gauntlet for you (that is to say, here's a challenging thought): if your wife is the one either having an affair or wanting out, she is the one who should be moving out not you...and your child or children DO NOT go with her. You are the father and husband, and your job is to protect your family, and the kids are part of your family. Yours. You are the father in every equal way as she is when she says, "...but I'm their mother!" It's just as much a crime for her to tear them from you as it would be if she were to accuse you of ripping them from her.

I know I see it rather "cut and dried" but here's the way I see it. She made a contract with you (in a way) when she agreed to marry you, bought a house with you, and started a family with you. Her responsibility is to YOU, the kids and this family. If she gets a bee in her bonnet and decides she wants to break the contract, it should not just be handed to her easily. Cool--if she is determined to leave you, the cost is that she also leaves the house and the kids. If there IS another man, let HIM pay for her apartment! You keep the house and you let the kids stay in their bed in their bedroom on their block with their friends and their school. Let their lives be as stable as possible and you be the man and pony up and do the single dad thing and take care of them!

I'm not saying this to be mean, to make your life miserable, or to start a fight. No! Trust me, I pray that your wife will see the error of her ways and return to you! But if SHE is the one who's determined to end it, SHE is the one who has to experience the consequence of HER choice--one that she is forcing on you and her children without even trying.

Okay, be courageous. Stand up for your kids and your family. If she wants to go, let her but be fair and do the right thing. You and the kids...stay put!



~Faithful

 

[captiveheart]

Gwenmead's post was wise with some very practical tips. I would like to echo what she said.

Also, I would like to lay down a gauntlet for you (that is to say, here's a challenging thought): if your wife is the one either having an affair or wanting out, she is the one who should be moving out not you...and your child or children DO NOT go with her. You are the father and husband, and your job is to protect your family, and the kids are part of your family. Yours. You are the father in every equal way as she is when she says, "...but I'm their mother!" It's just as much a crime for her to tear them from you as it would be if she were to accuse you of ripping them from her.

I know I see it rather "cut and dried" but here's the way I see it. She made a contract with you (in a way) when she agreed to marry you, bought a house with you, and started a family with you. Her responsibility is to YOU, the kids and this family. If she gets a bee in her bonnet and decides she wants to break the contract, it should not just be handed to her easily. Cool--if she is determined to leave you, the cost is that she also leaves the house and the kids. If there IS another man, let HIM pay for her apartment! You keep the house and you let the kids stay in their bed in their bedroom on their block with their friends and their school. Let their lives be as stable as possible and you be the man and pony up and do the single dad thing and take care of them!

I'm not saying this to be mean, to make your life miserable, or to start a fight. No! Trust me, I pray that your wife will see the error of her ways and return to you! But if SHE is the one who's determined to end it, SHE is the one who has to experience the consequence of HER choice--one that she is forcing on you and her children without even trying.

Okay, be courageous. Stand up for your kids and your family. If she wants to go, let her but be fair and do the right thing. You and the kids...stay put!



~Faithful

Sister!

 

[Carolyn H]

Praying!!!