I believe that a one-word answer to "What's your orientation?" needs to be the
start of a conversation. It isn't really an answer in and of itself. Whatever that answer, the next question is "What does that mean to you?" or "How does that play out in your life."
I once tried to come up with a dichotomous chart for determining sexuality. I came up with something like eleven different questions, and "do you prefer men or women?" was
not the first or primary question. Let's see if I can remember it:
1. Do you feel sexual attraction/arousal?
Yes: keep going.
No: stop here, or keep going as you deem appropriate. You are
asexual in some way.
2. Do you feel romantic attraction?
Yes: keep going. If no to 1 and yes to 2, you are a....
romance-feeling asexual? I'm not all that familiar with asexuality, but some people who identify as asexual do feel romantic attractions.
No: You might want to stop here. If no to both 1 and 2, you are probably completely
asexual.
(Unless I've left something out, if you've gotten this far, that probably means that you feel sexual and romantic attraction)
3. Is sex/gender the primary factor in determining if you are attracted to a person?
Yes: still normal, keep going.
No: What is?
3b. If you are attracted to people based on the fact that they are children, without regard for sex or gender, your orientation is pedophilia.
3c. If your attraction to a person is wholly dependent on something fetishistic--meaning, if the fetish is not present, you are not attracted, period, and if it is, you might be; with other factors (such as gender or body type) having lesser degrees of importance--then this fetish is your orientation.
3d. If sex/gender is not a factor in determining if you are attracted to a person, but there is also no fetish or other notable trait that is replacing the usual role of sex/gender, then I would probably call you "pansexual."
(Unless I left something out [which is very likely by this point] if you haven't found yourself yet, you feel relatively "standard" sexual attractions, with the primary determining factor being the person's sex or gender)
For the follow questions, "significant degree" means whatever you want it to mean. If you find a feeling significant, it is. If you brush it off and never think about it, it isn't.
"sexual" attraction is defined as physical and subjective arousal--the desire to have a sexual experience with a person.
"romantic" attraction is defined as tender, "mushy," wanting to be with the person, hold them, kiss them sweetly...etc.
4a. Do you feel a significant degree of sexual attraction for members of the opposite sex?
4b. Do you feel a significant degree of romantic attraction for members of the opposite sex?
5a. Do you feel a significant degree of sexual attraction for members of the same sex?
5b. Do you feel a significant degree of romantic attraction for members of the same sex?
If yes to all 4 and 5 questions, but 3d does not apply to you, then you are a fairly "standard"
bisexual.
If yes to 4a and 4b, and no to 5a and 5b, you are
heterosexual.
If yes to 5a and 5b, and no to 4a and 4b, you are
homosexual.
If some other combination of 4 and 5 questions, you fall outside of boxes and might be considered
any of the above three orientations, depending on personal experiences, preferences, priorities and values. (Example: I answer yes to 5 a and b--I have both types of attraction for women. I also have some degree of sexual attraction to men, but absolutely no romantic attraction. Because the idea of romance-less sex is so
thoroughly unappealing to me, I do not consider myself bisexual, despite the attraction. Somebody experiencing the same feelings, but having no objection to hedonistic quickies, might call herself bi.)
Quoted for truth.
One of the things I myself can never understand that is often said by conversative Christians is the claim that homosexual relationships revolve around lust not love.
I myself am in a commited long term relationship with another woman and I most definately, certainly love her. My relationships core is nothing to do with sexual contact, it's to do with wanting to be with a very special woman, sharing day to day things with her like going for walks, eating out, watching TV on the couch after a long day. Just living my life with her. I fail to see why this is so difficult to grasp, as there are many, many homosexual relationships out there like this.
It's to do with love. Not lust. Love.
I have watched two women I have had crushes on get married, without feeling jealous for their husbands. I simply wanted them to be happy, and my extra feelings for them enhanced that. This, more than anything else, convinces me that what I feel for women is actuallyl love, and not just lust. If I was merely lusting, what reason would I have to share their joy, when it meant watching them be with somebody else?
edit: I should define what I even mean by "orientation."
I am treating attraction almost like a simple algorithm, in which some options are left open--upon meeting a person, you will experience a quick series of "questions" which determine whether you might find them attractive. For nearly everybody, there is one overpowering question that is so automatic that it really isn't felt or considered. For most people that question is "is this person the appropriate sex?" If not, then that's an automatic deal-killer. You never even consider them from a sexual perspective.
But, what I'm looking at here, is that that might
not be the automatic inital question for some people. For some, it might be "Are they a dominant/submissive?" or "are they in the 'right' age bracket" and sex or gender is less important, if it is considered at all.
I am calling this initial question--the one that first determines whether or not another person will even be
considered as a sexual possibility, the person's "orientiation."
