What do men go through before deciding to propose?

[Luther073082]

Hey, are you having a good day, Luther?

I'm just tired of the milk thing. Its not realistic and it paints men as people who made decisions entirely on what gets them laid. I'm a guy and sex with my wife is important to me. . . but I don't make decisions entirely on whats going to get me laid the most. Nor do most guys. You do realize that if guys where that concerned about what gets them laid the most they wouldn't ever willingly have children because I don't have any of my own at this point but I'm guessing that children probably do put a damper on sex life a bit.

And I'm mostly ticked off because this was one of two threads today where a woman said that her boyfriend wasn't entirely sure about marriage and an almost immediate response was "Well are you having sex with him?" As if there could be no other reason for this occurance other then they are having sex.

This milk thing is a Christian myth to try to scare women into not having sex. I personally would rather convince people to obey God with truth, not lies and myths.

My parents where having sex before they got married... and they still got married. . . faster then me in fact, married 7 months after meeting eachother. Engaged after 3 days!

Most of my cousins did the same things and really didn't prevent them men or women from getting married.

 

[Avniel]

I'm just tired of the milk thing. Its not realistic and it paints men as people who made decisions entirely on what gets them laid. I'm a guy and sex with my wife is important to me. . . but I don't make decisions entirely on whats going to get me laid the most. Nor do most guys. You do realize that if guys where that concerned about what gets them laid the most they wouldn't ever willingly have children because I don't have any of my own at this point but I'm guessing that children probably do put a damper on sex life a bit.

And I'm mostly ticked off because this was one of two threads today where a woman said that her boyfriend wasn't entirely sure about marriage and an almost immediate response was "Well are you having sex with him?" As if there could be no other reason for this occurance other then they are having sex.

This milk thing is a Christian myth to try to scare women into not having sex. I personally would rather convince people to obey God with truth, not lies and myths.

My parents where having sex before they got married... and they still got married. . . faster then me in fact, married 7 months after meeting eachother. Engaged after 3 days!

Most of my cousins did the same things and really didn't prevent them men or women from getting married.

Exactly see the truth is we as men know pretty rapidly if we are going to marry a woman or not. I met my wife in 2005 and first time I saw her I thought it my head oh that's it for me right now. Then as I got to know her I respected her mind and she's beautiful so I knew what was going to happen after a year.

But many times we as men have sex with women that we just view as people that we pass time with. No matter if a man isn't going to marry a woman when they are having sex if they are not he still won't marry her.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

The reason that it makes you confused is because its a STUIPID QUESTION to be asking. Do you ask God what his will is about what color clothing you will wear? Do you ask God if his will if you should eat Wheaties or Corn Flakes? Did you ask God his will regarding the ring.

Listen God communicates to you through scripture. Is there anything in scripture which would tell you that this person would not make a good spouse? If there is something in scripture that says that, then it would make sense to hold back.

But holding back because you are expecting some sort of personal revelation from God or are overly concerned about if this marriage is God's will is silly. God's will and what God needs you to know is in scripture. Base your decision on that and you will be OK!! Trust me you don't need a personal revelation from God for this. Just read the scriptures.

I don't mean to beat up on you and sorry if I am. But its really just a stupid question to ask and Christians do this kind of stuff all the time with marriage and jobs. . . They fret over if it is God's will or not when there is no reason in scripture to belive that it isn't. You shouldn't try and "overthink" God's will. Really you shouldn't. . . if its not God's will that you two should be married then one of two things will happen. One is that you will find something in scripture that tells you that you shouldn't be marrying this person because of this. The other is that God will prevent the two of you from getting married in one way or another.

Don't sit an overthink God's will or you will never do anything or accomplish anything because you will sit and worry all the time about if it's God's will or not that you actually do something with your life.

Scripture alone is a sufficent guide.

Hey Luther, can I print what you said out and let my boyfriend read it? Because he's the one who's been questioning if it's the Lord's will or not (no hard feelings that you thought it was me). And what you said was good!

I agree completely.

His best friend, Pete, who also works with him, talked with him today on my behalf. I did not ask him to, he decided to once Jon had called him last night to talk about a tv. Pete completely disagreed with him and told him he needed to be looking at stuff at Zale's instead. Pete said Jon just said, "I know..." I'm currently waiting on a phone call from Pete so he can tell me how the conversation went.

And please, everyone, I'm asking very nicely, no more talk about cows, sex, or milk...that has nothing to do with my situation Thanks so much!

 

[iambren]

You can leave out the milk and the cows, but you better not leave out attitudes about sex going into marriage. It's just that in the bible Paul writes of the motivation to get married in this way---"It is better to marry than to burn with lust". So far I haven't heard anything approaching a struggle with lust this side of getting married.

And that to me is a red flag.

 

[Romanseight2005]

So far I haven't heard anything approaching a struggle with lust this side of getting married.

And that to me is a red flag.

I agree.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

You can leave out the milk and the cows, but you better not leave out attitudes about sex going into marriage. It's just that in the bible Paul writes of the motivation to get married in this way---"It is better to marry than to burn with lust". So far I haven't heard anything approaching a struggle with lust this side of getting married.

And that to me is a red flag.

Oh, believe me, we struggle BIG TIME. I get exhausted with trying to fight the urges, and he does too...we have never had sex even though we've had valid opportunities. We aren't perfect, and we've slipped beyond our boundaries many times. Not proud of that either by any means.

Sexual attraction is definitely not missing between us though, don't doubt that!

 

[Luther073082]

Hey Luther, can I print what you said out and let my boyfriend read it? Because he's the one who's been questioning if it's the Lord's will or not (no hard feelings that you thought it was me). And what you said was good!

I agree completely.

His best friend, Pete, who also works with him, talked with him today on my behalf. I did not ask him to, he decided to once Jon had called him last night to talk about a tv. Pete completely disagreed with him and told him he needed to be looking at stuff at Zale's instead. Pete said Jon just said, "I know..." I'm currently waiting on a phone call from Pete so he can tell me how the conversation went.

And please, everyone, I'm asking very nicely, no more talk about cows, sex, or milk...that has nothing to do with my situation Thanks so much!

Go ahead and print him that post and show it to him. Have him come on here if you want to. Most of the time when women come on here and say that they're boyfriend is taking too long to ask them to marry them, I really can't do very much good unless I could talk to the guy anyways. Because as a guy I could probably get to the bottom of all of it and just relate to him in a way that might give him more confidence.

Occasionally thats not the case, there was one a bit ago where she was mad cause her boyfriend wanted to wait to get married. The problem was that boyfriend was 18 years old. In that case I told her that her expectations of him where unrealistic. But in many cases it would just do me more good to talk to the guy to get to the bottom of "why" they are waiting.

My guess is that he may have some nervousness about the whole committing your life to someone. And perhaps he's trying to look to God to give him some sign that you won't do a 360 and decide to be a total jerk after marriage or something. Saying that you will be there no matter what that person decides to do or what they turn into is a big committment and takes a lot of trust in a person. Because there is a lot you can do to mess up your spouse's life that arn't adultry or abandonment.

That was something I honestly worried about for a while leading up to our wedding. Nothing in particular about my wife, but my mind was going through these what if's. Like what if my wife decides its fun to take all our money to a casino and gamble it all away? What if my wife after our wedding says "I love you, but I don't want to have sex with you. . . ever" What if my wife suddenly decides she would like to start snorting cocaine? Etc etc

If those things happen now if course there is an easy out. After marriage, according to the bible you can't divorce for those reasons.

If I had to guess he's wanting some sort of assurances from God that these things won't happen. And it really has nothing to do with you as this would be a worry with any woman. Its something I honestly thought about a lot before I got married.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

"My guess is that he may have some nervousness about the whole committing your life to someone. And perhaps he's trying to look to God to give him some sign that you won't do a 360 and decide to be a total jerk after marriage or something. Saying that you will be there no matter what that person decides to do or what they turn into is a big committment and takes a lot of trust in a person. Because there is a lot you can do to mess up your spouse's life that arn't adultry or abandonment."

This may very well be a concern of his. I certainly know I have thought about it. I suppose everyone does to a degree...wonders, "What if he/she changes......in a negative way?"

I found out from Pete that Jon WANTS to propose and thinks more and more about it everyday. He told Pete he knows my patience is wearing thin. He is just having trouble pushing himself, to work up the courage, to do it. But he also told Pete that he's afraid that if he doesn't do something soon, that he'll make the biggest mistake in his life.

Pete suggested I just lay low and act casual until I talk to him in a little over a week, unless he talks (or proposes) to me first.

I pray the Lord will give him the direction and confidence he needs!

 

[Luther073082]

"My guess is that he may have some nervousness about the whole committing your life to someone. And perhaps he's trying to look to God to give him some sign that you won't do a 360 and decide to be a total jerk after marriage or something. Saying that you will be there no matter what that person decides to do or what they turn into is a big committment and takes a lot of trust in a person. Because there is a lot you can do to mess up your spouse's life that arn't adultry or abandonment."

This may very well be a concern of his. I certainly know I have thought about it. I suppose everyone does to a degree...wonders, "What if he/she changes......in a negative way?"

To be honest, thats what I was most worried about when I got married.

I found out from Pete that Jon WANTS to propose and thinks more and more about it everyday. He told Pete he knows my patience is wearing thin. He is just having trouble pushing himself, to work up the courage, to do it. But he also told Pete that he's afraid that if he doesn't do something soon, that he'll make the biggest mistake in his life.

Pete suggested I just lay low and act casual until I talk to him in a little over a week, unless he talks (or proposes) to me first.

I pray the Lord will give him the direction and confidence he needs!

Ugg as a guy I kind of wish this Pete would not have given you this information. Usually you want it to be somewhat of a surprise.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

To be honest, thats what I was most worried about when I got married.



Ugg as a guy I kind of wish this Pete would not have given you this information. Usually you want it to be somewhat of a surprise.

Yeah, that's not their real names. Pretty sure y'all had that figured out......Why do you say you wish he wouldn't have told me that? I believe it will still very much be a surprise, and I doubt a proposal to be within the next couple weeks too really. Plus it eased my tension, confusion, and frustration sooooo much. My patience is renewed.

Pete said too that Jon is in his little "comfort box" and told him he needed to do something to get out of it, because the next "box" will be so much greater...Jon agreed. Also told him to quit worrying about and analyzing everything, and grouping it all together into one big mass. He even told him this may be a way that the devil is trying to hold him back from God's blessings. He said Jon seemed to understand.

I am trying to decide now if a talk initiated by me will be necessary next weekend. Going to wait and see how the Lord leads.

 

[dallasapple]

Im crackign up..sorry over the whole milk thing..

My husband must be some kind of hybrid..we had premarital sex(he got milk) and he wasnt just motivated to marry be..he begged me..he bought me a ring on his own even though i had told him I wasnt sure I was to even be engaged let alone married..his GOAL was to get married..and it wasnt because he was 'burning with lust" with no outlet..I do wonder however if it was a "nice thought' or at least he thought that after marriage he coud proceed to attach himslef to an "utter" and recieve a constant flow of milk like a river..Like MORE milk ..or milk 24 /7...

Dallas

 

[Mayzoo]

Blind post, but how old is your boyfriend? I gathered he is still living at home from two of your posts you wrote, am I correct? If he has not lived on his own ever, he may well not be ready for marriage yet.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Blind post, but how old is your boyfriend? I gathered he is still living at home from two of your posts you wrote, am I correct? If he has not lived on his own ever, he may well not be ready for marriage yet.

My boyfriend is 25, and yes, he's still living at home. I am 26 and still live at home also.

 

[iambren]

I would like to take a different tack in answering your OP, rather than the impatience aspect of it all.

The following are things in SOME guys' heads that would be fears keeping them single. AGAIN, doesn't apply to all:

1 There is a theory out there that men are biologically called to "spread their seed". Obviously to settle for one woman negates that.

2 Some men may enjoy the thought of sexual variety and freedom in life, feeling trapped to one in marrying.

3 Some are fearful of marriage after seeing their parents marriage. He grows up with the attitude not for me.

4 Some men aren't in to the tux, relatives, awkward conversations of a wedding.

5 They may see down the road children, trapped in clamor, stresses of rearing them.

6 Some may just like sheer control; if she turns into a wench I can leave her, or if she denies sex I am trapped.

7 AND, the obvious, I don't love her, she doesn't attract me and her annoying little habits drive me up the wall.

Those are some feedback of the minds of some men.

 

[citizenthom]

Iambren, I haven't read this thread, but have you confessed here that your wife was a sexual refuser, so your comments can be read with full information?

 

[JaneFW]

Iambren, I haven't read this thread, but have you confessed here that your wife was a sexual refuser, so your comments can be read with full information?

Why does he have to "confess" that his wife sinned?

 

[iambren]

"Iambren, I haven't read this thread, but have you confessed here that your wife was a sexual refuser, so your comments can be read with full information?"

Yeah, I'm not getting what you're getting at either BUT it's true, she was a rejector which would make me BIG TIME wary of going down the aisle with a prudish woman.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I'm not a rejector, very much FOR it, and he knows it

Thanks for your posts, bren. Sorry you experienced that.

 

[dallasapple]

I think its very telling..that some of the responses you are getting are what goes through a guys head when deciding to propose that sound like why he WOULDNT be proposing at the end of this thought process.Or all the reasons he DOES NOT want to get married...and its coming from men who have been married and are currently divorced.So I dont understand how that even applies to what you are asking....

Also I think being young ..never have lived on your own let alone married..the thought process isnt going to be even close ..to a middle aged divorced man ..

I seriously dont think your average early 20's year old guy..is going to be thinking of his possible future wife in terms of "wench"...that he may be "trapped by"...If he is?I wouldnt marry him if I were you ..

There are plenty of guys out there ..who are excited by the idea of getting married and look forward to it.The point is too..there are lots of women out there as well who may be intimidated about he idea of committing to one person ..and if they are thinking "what if he turns into an a-hole..and Im "trapped"..and what if I decide I want to be romanced and ravished by another handsome young man besides him"..what if he gets fat and goes bald and cant get an erection?.If they are?again they have no business getting married in the first place.

Also?Same with the children..I see the men all over the place..DELIGHTED and enamored with being fathers..not all men think of having children "down the road" as stresses and clamor..not to the point they woudl not get married and not have children over it..they think ..I want to be a father..I want to have children..The desire to have chidlren is not a gender divide..both men and women have it..or don't have it..

My husband told me ..that every since he was a little boy..he knew that when he "grew up" he wanted to 'get married and have children"..

If you probe your boyfrined and find out HE is having thoughts like its in his nature(and espeically if he thinks its a God given male trait) to have the urge to "spread his seed in a variety of women" AVOID him like the plague.Seriously there are men (lots of them) that want one special person that arent goign to be fighting the "spread my seed in variety" types..

So if hes looking at you as a possible future 'wench" that he might be trapped by...and feels like he will be fighting his 'nature" not to spread his seed in variety of females..has a negative or dreaded sort of view of having children?You dont WANT him as a husband....he in fact wouldnt deserve a wife as far as Im concerned.

Dallas

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I think its very telling..that some of the responses you are getting are what goes through a guys head when deciding to propose that sound like why he WOULDNT be proposing at the end of this thought process.Or all the reasons he DOES NOT want to get married...and its coming from men who have been married and are currently divorced.So I dont understand how that even applies to what you are asking....

Also I think being young ..never have lived on your own let alone married..the thought process isnt going to be even close ..to a middle aged divorced man ..

I seriously dont think your average early 20's year old guy..is going to be thinking of his possible future wife in terms of "wench"...that he may be "trapped by"...If he is?I wouldnt marry him if I were you ..

There are plenty of guys out there ..who are excited by the idea of getting married and look forward to it.The point is too..there are lots of women out there as well who may be intimidated about he idea of committing to one person ..and if they are thinking "what if he turns into an a-hole..and Im "trapped"..and what if I decide I want to be romanced and ravished by another handsome young man besides him"..what if he gets fat and goes bald and cant get an erection?.If they are?again they have no business getting married in the first place.

Also?Same with the children..I see the men all over the place..DELIGHTED and enamored with being fathers..not all men think of having children "down the road" as stresses and clamor..not to the point they woudl not get married and not have children over it..they think ..I want to be a father..I want to have children..The desire to have chidlren is not a gender divide..both men and women have it..or don't have it..

My husband told me ..that every since he was a little boy..he knew that when he "grew up" he wanted to 'get married and have children"..

If you probe your boyfrined and find out HE is having thoughts like its in his nature(and espeically if he thinks its a God given male trait) to have the urge to "spread his seed in a variety of women" AVOID him like the plague.Seriously there are men (lots of them) that want one special person that arent goign to be fighting the "spread my seed in variety" types..

So if hes looking at you as a possible future 'wench" that he might be trapped by...and feels like he will be fighting his 'nature" not to spread his seed in variety of females..has a negative or dreaded sort of view of having children?You dont WANT him as a husband....he in fact wouldnt deserve a wife as far as Im concerned.

Dallas

Thanks, Dallas. Good post. On these forums, when any of us post anything, especially something like my situation, we get a variety of replies, personal stories, suggestions, and advice. And we have to be careful how we take it, see if it applies to us.

I think Bren meant well when he made his post. But, I don't think I have to worry about any of that with my boyfriend. In fact, I KNOW it...besides he may not be jumping for absolute joy over wearing a tux to get married in. Who knows though, he may not have to. We'll address that when we get there. And being a dad? He definitely looks forward to it!