What do men go through before deciding to propose?

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I would like to know what men go through before they decide to propose. What thoughts go through their head?
Do they wrestle with it?
Try to decide if it's God's Will even though it obviously is?

Gentlemen and ladies, please answer and help me out.
My sweet guy, whom I've been dating 4 years, is really trying my patience even though I love him and want to spend forever with him. He's been saying for 6 months that something is holding him back but he has absolutely no idea what it is.
I have no idea either really, but I have a hunch it may be the thought of leaving his family and home (even if he said he'd have no problem doing that), and marrying and living with me, being responsible for a home and all that comes with it, and not knowing what will come along.
It's a very emotional situation, and I'd appreciate any advice or personal stories

 

[iambren]

I may have responded to you before but if I did sorry to be redundant.

For me the decision was agonizing. I was totally at peace at the end but it was an ordeal to get there. I envy people that just "know" their partner is "the one" so early. People come to this in their own unique and varied way, AND room has to be allowed that the right decision may be to not get married at all !

My observations: women do better at this than men, and rationally-oriented people do worse. The important thing,for sure, is that Christian charity would motivate one to make a timely answer to the other to not tie up their life, their feelings, and their reproductive future.

 

[Luther073082]

You need to ask him what exactly it is thats holding him back. This shouldn't be a big secret I don't think and at this point I think he owes you a plan so you can know about when he's going to go about it.

I personally didn't have all that difficult time about it.

 

[SharonL]

This will make a lot of people mad - but I'll say it anyway - the privileges of marriage have been so casually combined with dating that it is not a driving force anymore.

My grandmother always said - why buy the cow, when you can get the milk free.

Not meant for the OP - this is just a general statement.

 

[iambren]

Well, I have to concur with that. Having premarital ongoing sex does lessen the urgency to make a decision. Men aren't stupid--they hear the oft repeated stories of women who let themselves go, or take a disliking to sex, or suddenly push demands for crying babies, new homes(that needs maintenance), and a darling foo-foo dog to run through the house.

So why WOULD a guy sign up for this when his basic needs are being met already?

 

[DZoolander]

The problem with the "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free" line of thinking (to me at least) is that people ought not get married so they have license to finally have sex. That (IMHO) is a recipe for disaster. When the hormones are raging and you feel this great compulsion to have sex - that's not exactly the type of thing that's conducive to rational thinking about whether or not this person is the *right* one for you.

Now - I suppose you could argue that there were fewer divorces in the past - but I'd probably counter that by saying there were probably far more miserable people running around. When people talk about 50% of marriages ending in divorce - that doesn't give me a lot of qualms.

The idea that the divorce rate was lower in the past doesn't mean to me that people had something more special back then. Most likely you had the same 50% that were happy (that would remain married today as well) - and the other 50% were running around miserable - feeling compelled to stay together due to whatever social pressures might have been around back then. That doesn't really strike me as an achievement.

Rather, your decision to stay together ought to be made with a clear head. "Is this someone I can give to...forever? Is this someone I'm compatible with? Is this someone I truly enjoy on every level? Is this someone who shares the same passions as me?"

That's far different than "I need to get laid - and marriage seems to be the quickest road to get her."

Ya know?

That being said - the biggest thought that went through my head was "Is this the last person I'm prepared to have sex with?"

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I know y'all are not saying that we are, but we aren't having sex, and we definitely aren't living together...we don't even spend nearly as much time together as we used to. So not too much of this milk and cows stuff going on.

Luther, I've asked him what's going on. All the times he has said, "I don't know what it is, but something is holding me back. For some reason I'm not feeling overly driven toward marriage. I can see us together, I know there would be nobody better than you to be my wife, I love you so much, but is this God's will for each of our individual lives, and our lives together? Is this what He wants?"

I can understand why he's confused- it makes me confused! Several weeks ago he asked me if he could be the next one, instead of me, to bring up a discussion about the future/his feelings.
Yesterday I told him that I had some things on my mind, and when he asked me to share, I told him I wouldn't until he started up the conversation and that I was eager to hear from him. He just nodded and said "ok".

He's got til the end of the month. He doesn't know that, but we gotta break through this wall and figure out WHAT is going on!

I'm just afraid of getting the same results again :/

 

[Romanseight2005]

TBH, if he's so concerned about what God wants, then he shouldn't string you along. He should break up, seek God, and if, or when, he's sure you are the right one, he can ask you then.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Perhaps he doesn't feel ready because of financial reasons? I know someone who waited to propose until he could pay for the ring without going into debt; and for some of these rings that's nigh on impossible! The kinds of rings a lot of girls expect nowadays put a lot of financial strain on men. Maybe he is saving up for something special? Make sure he knows what kind YOU want instead of him having to guess and spend thousands of dollars extra for a ring that might not even be your taste.

When I got engaged I told my guy that I didn't want him to go into debt for a ring. In fact I was fine with whatever. I got a white gold and sapphire ring from E-Bay for $27 including shipping. Almost seven years later it still looks good. It came from an amateur jeweler but so what?

Later it moved to my right hand when we got a $150 three stone diamond ring at our public wedding.


I'm not saying that this is a reason he's not proposing but it is a fairly common one.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

TBH, if he's so concerned about what God wants, then he shouldn't string you along. He should break up, seek God, and if, or when, he's sure you are the right one, he can ask you then.

It may come to that, but I'd most likely be doing the breaking up. I just can't go on like this much longer. It's agony. Food for thought, for sure. Thanks.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Perhaps he doesn't feel ready because of financial reasons? I know someone who waited to propose until he could pay for the ring without going into debt; and for some of these rings that's nigh on impossible! The kinds of rings a lot of girls expect nowadays put a lot of financial strain on men. Maybe he is saving up for something special? Make sure he knows what kind YOU want instead of him having to guess and spend thousands of dollars extra for a ring that might not even be your taste.

When I got engaged I told my guy that I didn't want him to go into debt for a ring. In fact I was fine with whatever. I got a white gold and sapphire ring from E-Bay for $27 including shipping. Almost seven years later it still looks good. It came from an amateur jeweler but so what?

Later it moved to my right hand when we got a $150 three stone diamond ring at our public wedding.


I'm not saying that this is a reason he's not proposing but it is a fairly common one.

I agree that's a fairly common reason these days. However, I do not want $3,000 floating around on my finger I'm sure you know what I mean, from what you said about your rings. He and I have looked at rings a few times in the past, and I showed him some online also. None of them exceeded $500. Our favorite was only $379 actually. And it's from a well-known jewelry store chain where you can make payments. I prefer these "cheaper" rings, and I'm also sensitive to his finances.

However I just got off the phone with him. He told me he'd gone by Best Buy and is eyeing a 40-inch tv that costs $1000.00. He'd make payments on a tv if he bought one though...said they'd be $45 a month. I didn't say much while he was telling me about it. Just focused on biting my tongue before I blurted something ugly out.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Sounds like he's not ready to let go of being a child yet.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Perhaps not. He doesn't even have room in his stinking bedroom to put that tv. It's made for a living room or much larger room than his tiny bedroom anyway.
He may just have to put that tv off if he knows what's best.

 

[DZoolander]

I can understand why he's confused- it makes me confused! Several weeks ago he asked me if he could be the next one, instead of me, to bring up a discussion about the future/his feelings.
Yesterday I told him that I had some things on my mind, and when he asked me to share, I told him I wouldn't until he started up the conversation and that I was eager to hear from him. He just nodded and said "ok".

He's got til the end of the month. He doesn't know that, but we gotta break through this wall and figure out WHAT is going on!

I'm just afraid of getting the same results again :/

I think that you guys are just on different pages, completely.

As a guy - if I told a girl "I'd like to be the next one to bring this subject up" - it would mean that I was trying to defer the conversation for a *while*. At the minimum, months. More likely, however, is that I'm just trying to avoid it altogether for the foreseeable future.

I hope I'm wrong - but I think you're going to end up in conflict over this. I think your timeline - and goals - are completely different than his in this relationship. You *want* marriage - hopefully with him. You want it enthusiastically. It doesn't sound like he's in that same place.

...and what's today? The 20th? How much time does he have? Til the end of the month? That's 10 days. I doubt that's what he meant when he said "I'd like to be the one to bring it up next."

Good luck though.

 

[iambren]

Well, in theory, this thing can derail in two ways:

1 A couple can do the "milk for free" thing----no motivation to marry.


2 Or, if there is NO struggle/attraction to be sexual--no motive to marry.



The TV thing spoke a lot to me; guard your heart. I agree with what Romans said too.

 

[DZoolander]

Once again - the whole "milk as motivation" thing doesn't make sense to me.

When I was single - women I met fell within one of three categories.

I: Don't want milk
II: Want milk, don't want a future.
III: Want milk, want a future.

"Don't Want Milk"
Clearly this isn't a good candidate for marriage, because why would you want to commit to a lifelong relationship with someone you didn't want milk from? Obviously these ones are out. These are what you call "Friends"

"Want Milk, Don't Want A Future"
This is the bulk of the people you date. When talking about marriage, whether or not they give up milk is irrelevant - because you don't want a future with them. Certainly within this category I met both. Some women gave the milk, some didn't. The difference between the two was only whether or not I kept pursuing them for a short while. If they gave milk - I dated them for a while - but it didn't change their place in the overall scheme of things. If they didn't give milk, I simply moved on to greener pastures where milk was a possibility.

"Want milk, Want a future"
This is the rarest of the groups - and what ends up being a wife. The milk doesn't really matter in the equation either - except maybe in the formative stages. You want the milk, but you discover that you want more as time progresses.

In none of the three groups (and those are the only groups I can even fathom of) - does providing milk in any way effect whether or not you want to marry that person. Sure - it can be a bonus to keep you around while you discover that you want to marry them - but - it doesn't *create* that desire. Nor does it even really influence it. In a lot of ways - they're separate things - unrelated - but both important for a successful long term relationship.

 

[Luther073082]

I know y'all are not saying that we are, but we aren't having sex, and we definitely aren't living together...we don't even spend nearly as much time together as we used to. So not too much of this milk and cows stuff going on.

Luther, I've asked him what's going on. All the times he has said, "I don't know what it is, but something is holding me back. For some reason I'm not feeling overly driven toward marriage. I can see us together, I know there would be nobody better than you to be my wife, I love you so much, but is this God's will for each of our individual lives, and our lives together? Is this what He wants?"

I can understand why he's confused- it makes me confused! Several weeks ago he asked me if he could be the next one, instead of me, to bring up a discussion about the future/his feelings.
Yesterday I told him that I had some things on my mind, and when he asked me to share, I told him I wouldn't until he started up the conversation and that I was eager to hear from him. He just nodded and said "ok".

He's got til the end of the month. He doesn't know that, but we gotta break through this wall and figure out WHAT is going on!

I'm just afraid of getting the same results again :/

The reason that it makes you confused is because its a STUIPID QUESTION to be asking. Do you ask God what his will is about what color clothing you will wear? Do you ask God if his will if you should eat Wheaties or Corn Flakes? Did you ask God his will regarding the ring.

Listen God communicates to you through scripture. Is there anything in scripture which would tell you that this person would not make a good spouse? If there is something in scripture that says that, then it would make sense to hold back.

But holding back because you are expecting some sort of personal revelation from God or are overly concerned about if this marriage is God's will is silly. God's will and what God needs you to know is in scripture. Base your decision on that and you will be OK!! Trust me you don't need a personal revelation from God for this. Just read the scriptures.

I don't mean to beat up on you and sorry if I am. But its really just a stupid question to ask and Christians do this kind of stuff all the time with marriage and jobs. . . They fret over if it is God's will or not when there is no reason in scripture to belive that it isn't. You shouldn't try and "overthink" God's will. Really you shouldn't. . . if its not God's will that you two should be married then one of two things will happen. One is that you will find something in scripture that tells you that you shouldn't be marrying this person because of this. The other is that God will prevent the two of you from getting married in one way or another.

Don't sit an overthink God's will or you will never do anything or accomplish anything because you will sit and worry all the time about if it's God's will or not that you actually do something with your life.

Scripture alone is a sufficent guide.

 

[Luther073082]

Well, in theory, this thing can derail in two ways:

1 A couple can do the "milk for free" thing----no motivation to marry.


2 Or, if there is NO struggle/attraction to be sexual--no motive to marry.



The TV thing spoke a lot to me; guard your heart. I agree with what Romans said too.

Yes because no one who has pre-marital sex EVER actually marries. Give me a break the milk thing is stupid stupid stupid.

First of all it judges men in general as people who decide things based entirely on if they are getting sex or not.

Second its not factual at all because lots of non-Christians who are having sex before they are married do get married. Perhaps not as quickly as Christians who are waiting but they do still in fact get married. In fact most of the people I know had sex before their marriage and they did in fact get married. A few of them because of a child but most of them got married while having pre-marital sex, sometimes along with living together . . . without children.

Which by your theory makes no sense at all. So therefore since the facts are that people who have pre-marital sex do in fact get married, it is your theory that makes no sense.

ALSO I WANT TO REGISTER MY DISAGREEMENT, AND I WISH I HAD DONE THIS SOONER WITH PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HIM GETTING HIS MILK BEFORE THE OP GAVE ANY INDICATION THAT THEY WHERE ENGAGED IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVTIES. THE OP GAVE NO REASON TO BELIVE THAT THERE WAS ANY SEXUAL SINS GOING ON BUT YET THAT IS WHAT BROUGHT UP. IT IS COMPLETLY UNCHRISTIAN TO MAKE SUCH AN IMPLICATION WHEN THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OTHER THEN, "HE'S NOT REAL SURE ABOUT MARRIAGE"- WHICH IS ABOUT AS CIRCUMSTANTIAL AS SAYING SOMEINE IS A MURDERER BECAUSE THEY LIVE WITHIN A 100 MILE RADIUS OF WHERE THE MURDER TOOK PLACE.

THE FACT THAT SHE HAD TO CLARIFY SOMETHING WHICH WAS NOT EVEN ALLUDED TO WAS NOT IN FACT OCCURING IS A SAD STATEMENT ABOUT HOW WE DIDN'T GIVE ANY BENEFIT OF ANY DOUBT WHICH IS IMO COMMANDED OF US.

 

[iambren]

Hey, are you having a good day, Luther?

 

[SharonL]

No Accusation Was Made To The Op - It Stated Very Clearly That It Was A General Statement. She Ask A Question - This Was A Possibility. And Makes A Lot Of Sense To Those Waiting To Tie The Knot.