What being Divorced Taught Me

[E-beth]

For those of you who are separated or heading into divorce, I want to tell you about some of the stuff I learned as I was divorced about 5 years ago. If anyone has something to add, feel free.

1. I learned that my relationship with God is the one relationship I can count on. No matter how lonely I got, I knew I was not alone

2. I learned what it means when the Bible says "in your anger, sin not." I took my pain and rage and acted out after my divorce, and NOT in a good way.

3. I learned, unfortunately, that not all Christians are supportive of someone whose marriage is falling apart.

4. I learned that I am good on my own, with God's help. I can take care of myself just fine!

5. I learned that people need people. When I was really lonely, I had to seek out people to be with or I would go crazy.

Most importantly, 6) I learned that the pain DOES go away and life CAN get better again. As bruised and angry and hurt as I was after I faced what I never thought I would, I was blessed by the Lord with comfort when I needed it. And I healed. Well, I still am. But it will not hurt forever.

 

[desi]

My experience with divorce taught me it is hard to be a kid when your parents divorce. The things you see and are subject to are many times harder than anything I've encountered as an adult, even as a Marine. While such experiences are scars that never fully heal and I still resent the selfishness of their decision, as well as the futility of it as they went on to divorce again, and again... +3 more times, I have managed to thrive despite it and managed to avoid the pitfalls which destroy my siblings to this day. Divorce is not about 'being happy' so much as it is about putting yourself before the marriage you swore to honor 'so help you God' when you did it. It is breaking an oath you made before God. Perhaps that is why Jesus offered only one specific reason for allowing divorce.

 

[SelfProtect]

I learned that
1) Only YOU know what God is telling YOU to do
2) In order to be a good mom and have emotionally healthy children, I must do what is best for me - I have the mature mind, not the kids, they do not have a decision in the divorce.
3) A marriage suffered by 1 affair is recoverable but a marriage plagued with more than one makes me JUST AS GUILTY as the adulterer for allowing it to go on.
4) even with more than one case of adultry, well-meaning Christians will take the side of the adulterer and pray and encourage marriage restoration out of ignorance.
5) I am a success in life not based on my marriage or divorce.
6) Divorce is not bad, it is a symptom of a deeper problem, that deeper problem is the sin, NOT the divorce.

I'm so glad this new board exists!

 

[LadyBird]

Well I am not divorced. But my parents are and I learned a thing or two from that!

1. Never stop communicating and talking!!!!!!!!!!! Always talk, about everything!!!!!Once you stop talking, the problems only get worse. I mean heck, my parents didn't talk for over a year while they lived under the same roof. A few months before we left, their form of communication was writing letters to each other.

2. Don't stay together for the kids. My parents did this and it has really left a lot of scars, bad memories and left me with a lot of emotional baggage. I wish that they would have divorced sooner because then, me and my sister wouldn't have to deal with the emotional abuse that took place.

3. I don't believe in divorce. Seeing what happened to my parents, has made me very determined NOT to let that ever happen to me or my husband or my family. I have watched them and I have learned from their mistakes, not all of them, but a few at least.

4. Divorce does not mean a happy ending.

5. The only relationship in this world that a person can really depend on is their relationship with God.

5. There are HEALTHY ways to deal with anger and frusteration. Bottling everything up and/or yelling at your family is not a healthy way to vent.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Amen E-Beth. I am not divorced, but seperated once and have had a difficult marriage. And I too have discovered that christians are not very supportive during this time. I also agree that divorce isn't the problem, but what the other problems are are the real problems. And yes, even when I was seperated, and almost divorced, I found that God was my only friend, everyone else turned there back in judgement for the sake of righteousness- hmmm doesn't really make sense, God didn't turn his back on me, he was my gentle encourager, he didn't preach to me, but rather he was the lover of my soul and gave me comfort (regardless of what decision I made) and he gently lead me into the truth. But my marriage is better now than it's ever been- God has really been working a work in us over these years, hopefully it'll continue on the up and up- but you can count on me to not be quick to tell you what to do, without ever being in your shoes. Makes a difference when you are the one experiancing the problem. God Bless

 

[msjones21]

I've been divorced for three years now. It took me a long time but I finally realized about a year ago that my divorce did not mean I'm a failure at life, or even marriage. I realized that God loves me no matter what my marital status is. I also know that yes, the Bible says God hates divorce, but He doesn't hate it because being divorced makes you evil. He hates it because it does hurt people and God hates to see His children suffer.

Being divorced has made me stronger. My ex-husband went on to marry and have a child with the woman he cheated on me with when we had only been married for a year. I have forgiven them both and have spoken to him once since the divorce to ask him for forgiveness for the pain I caused him in the marriage. He also sought my forgiveness and we had closure. It was truly a blessing.

 

[Micaiah]

It has taught me - the family justice system is an oxymoron.

 

[Abigail's folly]

Well, I'll tell you, that when my parents divorced when I was 17, I was SO GLAD! I couldn't wait for my father to get out. The divorce did not help my brother, who was nine years younger than me, he had some emotional problems to start with and it made them worse (mostly because the women my dad ended up marrying later) but at 37 he still holds tight to the 'its all everyone else's fault' school of thought, so I doubt he would have grown up right, either way.

It was definitely not a God loving family, but filled with tension, moodiness and unforgiveness. but God helped me to grow up from a very lonely, unhappy child, to embrace my 'aloneness', to use it to improve and sharpen many talents and skills, and become a person who is pretty satisfied with the way God made her. So, I guess its not always the perfect answer to stay together, of course, it would have been better that they hadn't involved themselves in sin requiring that they get married in the first place, but, I wouldn't be here today.

Pity I didn't listen to God enough to keep me from getting married, or to choose a wiser partner, though, because my marriage is now so deteriorated that my husband and I are separated. But, who knows, God has brought me this far, perhaps we'll both allow Him to patch up this mess, too.

 

[King Element]

What divorce taught me...great question. Any of us going through this should definitely come away with something learned in order to move on and be a better person for it. I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now. I don't know if I have a suitable answer given all that has happened. Here goes everything:

1. If a horse doesn't want to, you won't even lead it anywhere near the water. In fact, you may break your arm trying to grab the reigns. Wisdom is knowing when to let go it's merry way -- even when you know the horse is only harming itself.

2. Before getting married, everyone has an idea in their mind of how a marriage should be. With hard work and a little luck, they may see these ideas and dreams come true. But the harder they work, the "luckier" they get.

3. Everyone has an opinion about whether you should have divorced, should ever remarry, or should try to reconcile. Opinions are only the ramblings of mortals. God's opinion is the only one that matters.

4. When you marry someone, you also marry their family.

5. Premarital counseling is a great idea no matter how sure you are the marriage will work.

 

[JesusInMyHeart]

Hi.. ...I've been divorced for over 19 years now. My ex-husband had cheated on me with a woman at work.

What divorce taught me??

1) It taught me to forgive

2) It taught me to come to the Lord and love Him with all my heart and soul, to trust in Him

3) It taught me to be thankful in the Lord

4) It taught me daily to come to God for all things in my life

5) It taught me to turn my whole life over to God

6) It taught me that God is my strength

7) and most importantly of all, it taught me that God loves me unconditionally....

God Bless

 

[Evee]

It has taught me - the family justice system is an oxymoron.

I agree and be prepared because there is no such thing as a friendly divorce.
Protect yourself and your rights.
You may think I can get a friendly divorce and remain friends.
In my opinion that seldom if ever happens.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I learned that being a husband is more then a title.
I have a new respect if women and reltionships.
Learning the real meaning of love.
Got GOD?..I do now.
I also learned a lot about myself,and even more about my wife(ex)
There is such thing as a friendly, divorce, just not easy ones.

Warrior Poet

 

[Worddancer]

Great advice . . the only advice my mother ever gave me was "remember, you cannot change another person, no matter how good the intentions" . . and yet that's exactly what I tried to do . . didn't work . . never will. The only one you CAN change is yourself . .

 

[optocarol]

E-beth, I'd certainly agree with all your points, especially the first. I am remarried after 6 years being single and 26 years married the first time. It took me a long time to come to the position I now hold which is that remarriage is not a sin and is not adultery. I have written an essay which includes my 5 years of research into this subject, which I can send to anyone who is interested, privately.
Just want to make 1 point so as to be brief. The Bible does not say God hates divorce. It says God hates putting away - there is a difference.
Must say too, your post made me think about your question, which has to be good.

God bless.

 

[Mustaphile]

Gosh, I don't know where to start. I'll make it short. I have been seperated for eight years I think it is now. Both of us have had relationships in the meantime. Neither of us have moved to make a divorce, but have often stated it's a divorce in every regard except the slip of paper.

This year is the year it needs to happen as I have met someone who I am keen to pursue a long term relationship with.

My separation was a cathartic experience that really taught me a lot about life and love.

 

[christeagleian]

I walked out of an eleven year marriage in 1998. Left my wif an two children.Moved over a thousand miles away and got involved in another relationship . The woman I got involved with was physically and mentaly abusve. Was very controlling and insited that we(including her four children from a previous marriage) move around the country. I married her and the relationship continued to go downhill. In 2002 she engaged in illegal activities and I ended up geting arrested and serving jail time for her conduct.During my incarceration GOD truly opened my eyes. My ex wife and I had maintained a friendly relationship since our divorce. GOD led me to contact hr justas a person to talk to. GOD was involved in this all the way. We prayed and talked a lot. We knew a reconciliation was in GODS will. When I was released from jail I filed for divorce from my second wife and moved closer to my ex wife and children.Divorce went through with my second wie disputing none of my contentions. She now lives in Strasburg Colorado. The relationship with my first wife and children is going. My ex and I are going to remarry on 18 April 2004
What have I learned from this?
1.Never ever doubt GOD. I thought my first marriage was over and was looking for greener pasture.I was in the marriage which GOD had for me. I turned my back on that.
2.Trust GOD. I thought I wanted a new life. In doing so I turned from the blessings GOD had for me.
3.FAITH. Through all this I tried to stay close to GOD. My FAITH was increased and strengthened. He knew what was right for me.

 

[Mustaphile]

I walked out of an eleven year marriage in 1998. Left my wif an two children.Moved over a thousand miles away and got involved in another relationship . The woman I got involved with was physically and mentaly abusve. Was very controlling and insited that we(including her four children from a previous marriage) move around the country. I married her and the relationship continued to go downhill. In 2002 she engaged in illegal activities and I ended up geting arrested and serving jail time for her conduct.During my incarceration GOD truly opened my eyes. My ex wife and I had maintained a friendly relationship since our divorce. GOD led me to contact hr justas a person to talk to. GOD was involved in this all the way. We prayed and talked a lot. We knew a reconciliation was in GODS will. When I was released from jail I filed for divorce from my second wife and moved closer to my ex wife and children.Divorce went through with my second wie disputing none of my contentions. She now lives in Strasburg Colorado. The relationship with my first wife and children is going. My ex and I are going to remarry on 18 April 2004
What have I learned from this?
1.Never ever doubt GOD. I thought my first marriage was over and was looking for greener pasture.I was in the marriage which GOD had for me. I turned my back on that.
2.Trust GOD. I thought I wanted a new life. In doing so I turned from the blessings GOD had for me.
3.FAITH. Through all this I tried to stay close to GOD. My FAITH was increased and strengthened. He knew what was right for me.

Thats a pretty amazing testimony.

 

[cjba]

Wow! Truly amazing! I'm glad you found out where you should be. Many blessings to you and your family.

 

[rudy3107]

I`m not divorced,seperated for last 4 years.
It taught me.
1)what love is.
2)Reason to love someone.
3)Someone to pray for, Everyday.
4)draw closer to God.
5)Beleive, God has something in his mind; for me.
6)realise my mistakes.
7)Reason to forgive.


I prayed god to give me, my missing rib,he gave,
I asked give me a son, he gave.
Unfortunatly..... she left.
I asked church to unite us,help me to bring her back, and i was ready to do anything,i gave her 4 years to think,at last i filed for divorce last week.now it is in his hand.i did`t wanted to break, My Sacrament.Still i`m helpless, Only hope that God has some other plan for me.

Pray for me.

 

[cjba]

Rudy3107,

You're in my prayers. God has his plan for you. He will show you what that plan is in His time. God Bless.