A mix between irritated and guilty.
Irritated, because earlier I remembered that a customer called me stupid once a few years ago. People treat me like I'm stupid because I struggle with math, or I'm terrible at giving directions. Like, I'm good with reading people and philosophy and reading/writing/etc and psychology and history and a lot of other things, but suddenly I'm stupid because I can't do two things? People just treat me like I'm air headed, and it kind of digs at my already little self worth. When I was in fifth grade, my teacher would read our overall grades and test grades out loud. It didn't matter if I had all A's in everything else, that one little F or D got me called names from my peers, and treated like I was slow from my teachers.
Like we had to take these placement tests for reading, and I was the only one who got the highest score, I was reading and comprehending college level books. And the library had all their books marked with colored dots to indicate reading levels. So I took a book from my reading level (I forget what it was), and my teacher took it from me, said I wouldn't understand it and give me a picture book. I think I cried for days. Reading was such a passion, and he ruined it for me. It was my only escape too. I had no friends.
Our education system is a complete and utter failure. It needs to be gutted, and modeled after Finland's.
And teachers should be fired for reading their students' grades out loud. And for turning a blind eye to bullying, because these freaks tried to kill my cat. "Kids are cruel." "Boys will be boys!" Yeah kids can be cruel, but they don't act like sociopaths you complete failures of human beings.
Guilty, because I think I traumatized my cat. She normally loves being under the covers, so I started my movie I bought today and threw the covers over me and her. And she panicked and scrambled out from under, and now she's refusing to come near the blanket. I laid out treats for her and everything. Jade is like my cuddle buddy, and I traumatized her, whoops. She'll work her way through it I'm sure. But sorry cat. Didn't think that would happen.
The movie was really good. I hope to be as imaginative and a great writer as Rowling is. 9/10, honestly, I didn't really like the romantic subplot but I don't like romance in general so it knocked off a point. It just came out of nowhere, honestly. Can there be a group of friends where romance doesn't happen? I didn't even believe there was chemistry with any of the characters. But that's just me. I'm picky.
Controlling thought life is a major battle but also the key. Many people don't give a second "thought" about their thought life but it has a big role in developing who we are.
Next time this happens, try not to react to it, but rather analyze what's happening and stay calm.
I just thought of this while I was working in the yard yesterday. 27 years ago a woman I worked with called me an idiot. Just an example; we all suffer abuses from others. I could have thought of hundreds of other similar episodes from my life but why that particular one? And why yesterday afternoon?
Firstly, it darkens the mood. Heart rate goes up and blood pressure rises. I think about what I could have said/done in return. Now I'm feeling like it just happened. My mind wanders into fantasy about punching this person out and watching them bleed.
Come back to reality. I begin to no longer be a participant in this craziness. I realize these thoughts, real or exaggerated are nothing but electronic impulses in the brain; they really have no power unless I give them life by reacting to them physiologically.
I now begin to remember Scripture verses, so many, regarding controlling our thoughts and keeping them good, positive and true. There's a reason these admonishments were written and passed down; they're good for us. They help us grow into the men and women we were meant to be.
I think about my compassion, my kindnesses to others, both people and critters; my encouraging words or actions toward others who are emotionally or spiritually bankrupt at the moment; the joy I have in my volunteer work or my music to make people happy. I think about the person who was unkind and out of line, realizing the bad things they say or do come from their own hurts, their own lack of self control and their own evil.
What God says about me is what I need to concentrate on, not what others think.
It's a real battle. A lot of people don't want to bother being accountable to themselves because it's easier not to. It's pride. Words have power; they shape our lives. Prideful people reap what they sow eventually. These thought control exercises get a bit easier as I go along. It's a matter of training the mind to dwell in the here and now, focusing on the good things in myself in others, at the same time seeing my own REAL faults and failings and endeavoring to do better. It's called "growth", my friend! (LOL!....I think I wrote that in another post!)
You have a lot of great qualities and an active, inquisitive mind. You have talents you want to develop to make your life and the lives of others better. You have a love for animals. And, like all of us, you have some weak spots and failings and you are aware of them.
I know, for me, depression can really get in the way and drag me down at times. There are days when I know what I SHOULD do, but can't at the moment. So....I see it as the failing it is, ask for forgiveness and strength to persevere, and move on. It passes, it always does. And it passes more frequently and quickly if I refuse to give these negative thoughts a life of their own.
Sorry, this is long. You struck a nerve with your post, and I understand and sympathize completely.
