- Mar 25, 2005
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I nearly lose my faith. I am full of complaining thoughts. As if God was sitting on a high throne and forgot me. I am so selfish and self-central, going to the opposite of love. I just care why I have to suffer Bipolar Disorder for more than 20 years, God does not heal me,and recently it is more serious . I have suicidal thoughts, but I can’t do for I can’t die before my parents’ death. I feel my brain nerve is always in chaos, and medicines can not deal with it well. “Love the Lord more than your life and your neighbor as yourself” is a commandment, but I can not do, I just live in a pit of darkness alone, so isolated, separated from every good thing, losing faith of love. May God show mercy to me for the sake of Jesus’ blood for us. How can I deny myself and burden my cross to follow Him?
I stretch out a little love to you all, sorry listening to my complaining.
Sorry to hear that things are getting so dark in your life. However please don't despair your darkness it can be a purifying experience instead of a debilitating one, if you learn to trade your darkness and godforsakenness with His good life. It can be done!
Sometimes God let us sink really low - for we have not yet found faith yet in those deep parts of ourself, and we let go of God, but He doesn't let go of us. Rather He is after us to find Him in those desolate places and to make them bloom.
Just make sure you sow the good seed in those barren places brother and pray God for rain and sunshine so your crops may grow.
Surrender bad thoughts back to God obediently understanding that death will not solve your sufferings but Jesus will. He has a good purpose for this all. He hasn't healed me either and it had to get really bad before it got better.
Also keep searching for better meds perhaps that might help as well to lift you above worst.
Praying you will not entertain suicidal thinking but thinking that is focussed on Jesus and what He has on offer for you down there.
Much love fighting the darkness brother.
Darkness Reigning
When The hour of darkness reigns.
“Where is your God”, they sneer.
Casting their nets of doubt and fear.
Isolation is their jail of presence within.
Happily trading your weakness and your sin.
Oh how they enjoy your every fall or slip.
As your fallen reality is their strongest grip.
Building in your heart their own life form.
So depravity of being is your daily norm.
Now see them fight to retain their place.
Trying to keep away God’s loving grace.
By showing you their godless hold inside.
You in their slimly pits to smite.
Influenced by their dark and godless thrash.
Your light of day took quite a crash.
But remember wicked rule is a very short reign.
For you Christ’s light will surely shine again.
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