1. Biking when angry is a bad idea.
2. It's from Penzance.
3. Don't drink if you have a sensitive system.
4. Bear it mind that goldfish are both animals and crackers. (variation: * Learn the difference between seafood and snack food.)
5. Never take both your back medications at once.
6. Knowing how to forge the President's signature isn't criminal, it's useful.
7. All Gilbert and Sullivan is about duty.
8. Always ask your date his/her position on the subject of school vouchers before going out with him/her.
9. The President can't pardon a turkey, but he can draft it.
10. There is a right and a wrong way to say 'Galileo.'
11. Remember to check the flue.
12. Precedent: the mother's milk of, you know, making your point and being right.
13. Gather ye rosebuds, while ye may.
14. Blame it on the Bossa Nova.
15. Sometimes in a democracy, other people win.
16. Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc: After it, Therefore Because of It
17. Nothing says Christmas like animal fables in iambic verse.
18. Decisions are made by those who show up.
19. Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of the White House, had a two-ton block of cheese.
20. When the President stands, nobody sits.
21. Exercise cautious optimism. There's no need to tempt fate.
22. When sitting down on a bench, always look for a Wet Paint sign first.
23. Khaddafi is spelled with an 'H' and two 'D's and isn't a seven letter word for anything.
24. While using celestial navigation make sure what you're navigating by is the North Star and not the Delta shuttle from LaGuardia.
25. If you're going to invent a secret plan to fight inflation, you should at least support it.
26. Theres always a chance the Republicans could all get up and move to Vancouver.
27. We can't be too sure about some things - not even longitude and latitude.
28. Yo-Yo Ma Rules.
29. It's not our job to appeal to the lowest common denomenator - it's our job to raise it.
30. Kirkwood is in California, not Oregon
31. Two regular bears, plus a bucket of black paint, plus a bucket of white paint equals two Panda bears.
32. Never underestimate the power of a grandfather.
33. Never anger an Egyptian Goddess.
34. If you think arming the victims will stop gun violence, remember that even the President, while surrounded by the best-trained guards in the history of the world, can be shot.
35. Listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples servants.
36. Free trade stops war.
37. Don't let your better angels be shouted down by the demons in your head.
38. There are some words that should be Yiddish but aren't. Like 'spatula' or 'far-fetched'.
39. Be a comfort to your friends in tragedy, be able to celebrate with them in triumph, and for all the times in between, just be able to look them in the eye.
40. You can cook stuffing both in and out of the turkey, as long as the temperature of the stuffing reaches high enough.
41. When in Indiana beware of multiple time zones.
42. There are 3 words that start with dw in the English Language and 14 puncuation marks.
43. If someone spells New Delhi, be happy if they remember the H.
44. Never forget that a small group of intelligent and dedicated people can change the world... It's the only thing that ever has.
45. Be proud to report our countrys stranger than it was a year ago.
46. You can't smoke in the Oval Office, but you can pee in the closet.
47. Always be certain to look around for wet paint signs before sitting down.
48. The strawberry is the only common fruit with the seeds on the outside.
49. Sometimes you have to apologise even if you didn't do anything.
50. Do not tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing. If there is a danger that you have done so, go outside in the freezing cold, turn around three times, spit, and curse.
51. When your ground game isn't working, it's time to put the ball in the air.
52. You know someone's made up their mind when they put their hands in their pockets, look away and smile.
53. You can, in fact, "accidentally" sleep with a prostitute.
54. If you want to get in good with the father of the girl you like, do not blink before putting your body between danger and her.
55. Some people don't want to be 'the guy,' they want to be the guy 'the guy' goes to.
56. Raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be your legacy.
57. When Donna brings you coffee...run.
58. Nothing on the map is where it seems.
59. More people die from Vending Machine accidents than wolf attacks.
60. There is a contingency plan to invade Canada.
61. You can be one of the best and the brightest and still fall on your butt.
62. If your daughter wants to date your assistant...build a dungeon.
63. Your daughter would always love a book in its original Middle English rather than a CD player.
64. Psychics are better than physists.
65. When drunk, yelling at your assistant's roommates' cats is always fun.
66. Why use a ten word answer when you can say more?
67. You aren't allowed to call the President a geek in the Oval Office. Anywhere else, go for it.
68. Just because you believe you were born in America, doesn't mean you were. You could've missed the border.
69. Hitting on your boss's wife at a party will actually upset her.
70. When the President is telling you all the cool things about Air Force One...humor him, act impressed.
71. If you are upset at God, you should put your complaints in Latin.
72. The first commandement is not "Honor your father and mother.", it is "Honor you Lord and God. You shall have no other gods before me."
73. Economics is not an exact science, in one year one of you is going to look stupid.
74. If you want to be a Chemistry professor, you have to take Chemistry.
75. "Unfunded mandates" is two words not one really big one.
76. If the First Lady asks you to go get drunk with her, do it. You'll want to write a book later.
77. The penny is the only man-made object that doesn't interact with any machine.
78. Illinois is the only state that accepts pennies to pay tolls.
79. Skipping over the step of asking someone's permission makes it harder for them to say no.
80. Members of the US Congress are not automatically responsible adults.
81. In all this talk about democracy, we forget sometimes that it's not a democracy, it's a republic. People don't make the decisions, they choose the people who make the decisions.
82. Nellie Bly pioneered investigative journalism (among other things).
83. Elizabeth Blackwell was the first woman granted an M.D.
84. A flamingo's a nice but also a ridiculous looking bird.
85. Never insult Notre Dame in the hearing of a Notre Dame graduate, especially not before a Michigan game.
86. A joint resolution requires the president's signature, a concurrent resolution does not.
87. History forgets about Congressional censures; presidents don't.
88. Annuit Coeptis= God favors our undertaking. The country seal is meant to be unfinished because this country is meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating and we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them.
89. James Bond's 'shaken not stirred' is a sissy's martini.
90. Americans wants a happy warrior to lead them. They do not want Jack Kevorkian to be president.
91. The White House doesn't now employ a round the clock Pastry Chef.
92. Daughters don't respond to shouting, but will respond if they aren't fed.
93. Always take advice about what is wrong with you from your daughter's boyfriend.
94. Slipping on the thing is not assault, but hitting a man is.
95. When arresting someone for DUI, make sure they are in fact DRUNK!
96. Just because you made the train, doesn't mean it's going the way you want to go.
97. Always look before sitting, in case your chair is at the shop.
98. Never do a trick involving the American flag, and flames in the White House.
99. Even the Secret Service can't keep your secretary and bodyman away.
100. Islamic extremist is to Islam as KKK is to Christianity.
101. Nothing happens on the list.
102. The Arabic name for the 11th century secret order of followers of Al Hasan ibn al Sabbah has survived until today: "assassins"
103. Terrorism has a 100% failure rate.
104. We need spies. Human spies.
105. Benjamin Franklin didn't say, "Hey look, I've invented the stove."
106. The only acceptable cheer at soccer games in some middle eastern countries is Allah u Akbar - "God is great."
107. Never turn away the dreamer trying to start over... you might just find them valuable.
108. If your girlfriend is in a car accident and you're driving to the hospital, do not stop to have a beer with your buddies.
109. Remember to bring the funny.
110. Always bring your panic button.
111. 146. I serve at the pleasure of the President.
112. Don't throw up on the back seat of the Secret Service car. They will bill you for it.
113. We keep the champagne in between the Japonica and Bamboo.
114. When turning pro, you can go high in the second round, low in the first if you have a good post season. Don't stay in school and get your education if you're white. No one's gonna mind.
115. Unseasonably warm temperatures could have something to do with the sun.
116. If a tax rebate screws you in the end, the President will buy you a DVD player.
117. Always know who's in the room before you start speaking to somebody on speakerphone.
118. Balloon animals can be abstract.
119. It's important to share stories. Stories about cats can end up affecting the US Supreme Court.
120. They'll like us when we win.
121. You can lay the Washington Monument down on its side in the National Cathedral.
122. When the right series of doors open in the White House, it creates a wind tunnel to the Oval Office.
123. A Dictaphone stuck on record is not something you want lying around the White House Council's office.
124. Sarawak is Asia's best kept secret.
125. Santa hats clash with Dickensian costumes.
126. You can screw up a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011 equipped with a SIM-5 transponder tracking system with something you bought at Radio Shack.
127. POTUS isn't a name, its a title.
128. Sometimes you could be more informed if you stood on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars.
129. Dont stand behind the door.
130. Men named Larry and Ed are often confused.
131. When giving a history of the Roosevelt room, look at the paintings for clues.
132. Five dollars is too high a price to pay for ponography.
133. Dont wake the President unless the building is on fire.
134. Dont pick Central Indiana State over Notre Dame in a football pool.
135. In the event of a military coup, the Secret Service may not be on the Presidents side.
136. Mothers wont teach their daughters to whistle.
137. You can get into trouble just by getting out of bed.
138. Whats the good in being in power if youre not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?
139. The Secret Service doesnt comment on procedure.
140. The citizens of one district are so patriotic, that if the President Of The United States showed up himself, theyd kill him.
141. Divert your eyes!
142. People shouldnt put their cigarettes out in the chapel.
143. There are two things in the world you never want to let people see you make: laws and sausages.
144. After a while, a violinist is just a guy in your house.
143. Toby and Charlie are great names.
144. Smallpox is not a dessert topping.
145. The whole Oval Office is doors and windows.
Toby just doesn't have the personality to be press secy at all.
