Went off the deep end!

[gtp40]

I can't beleive how horrible my mental health has been recently.

Right now I'm going to have to take a family member's xanax (I know it's illegal but I'm in a jam) just to get through the night tonight.

Ok, so has anyone just plain had delusions??? I think I'm going out of my mind here. These aren't just obsessive thoughts anymore, I'm thinking things are going on that aren't. Recently I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was in hell, and I thought that all day. Then of course I realized that was not the case but it still sucked. I woke up again last night and had horrible anxiety and was really freaked out about everything (note that I have a fear of 3 AM), and in general lately I've been just scared all the time. Scared of everything, scared that I'm going to switch bodies with someone else, that I'm going to have a DP/DR attack, afraid of my obsessive thoughts, afraid, afraid, afraid, etc. Then of course over the weekend I accidentally intoxicated myself with caffeine. I downed 6 cups of coffee in about 30 minutes that had been filtered through about 10 cups worth of coffee grounds. I got sick and had horrible anxiety for two days. Then just recently, I was working on my computer and was scrolling down the start menu heading towards adobe photoshop. Then some intrusive thought popped in my head saying that God wasn't real. So, somehow linking that thought with the fact that I was clicking on adobe photoshop (I think I was thinking that if I clicked on photoshop it meant I meant the intrusive thought) I flung the mouse up the start menu, and a pentagram popped up. What????? Now, the reason there was a pentagram on my computer is because a long time ago when I first got the computer I loaded doom 3 on it, because it was supposed to be a good game and my computer was brand new and I wanted to have fun with the new graphics etc.... I also loaded on a mod that allowed multiplayer, and it's called opencoop. It also has a pentagram for an icon. That's what my mouse went over in the start menu, and the pentagram popped up. That FREAKED me out big time, as if that and the thought were connected. I just can't take this anymore.... Has anyone else had similar stuff like this? Delusions of grandeur? Weird coincidences? I don't get it, why would my mouse go over that program instead of any of the 150 or so others I had? Why? I can't take this anymore..... I'm supposed to be enjoying this part of my life. Instead I'm worried that I'm in hell. I've also been suffering from DP/DR lately and am thinking this is all connected. Oh and one more thing. After that whole thing with my computer mouse happened, I was upset and got in the shower to clear my mind. Hot water seems to help me when I feel bad. So anyways, now I'm worried that because I took a shower, that if I feel better about what happened earlier and understand that it was just a bunch of mental problems, that it was because satan did something to me in the shower causing me to think that everything is better when it really isn't.

I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do.

 

[stacii]

When you are in such a heightened state of anxiety you can convince yourself of anything. Seriously. I've totally been there. Before I went on the Zoloft last year I was ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS scared. Completely and utterly afraid. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Sometimes I thought I was a horrible evil person, sometimes I thought I was completely insane, sometimes I thought I had somehow made some sort of ridiculous deal with the devil. I'm weening off the meds, and am starting to get some of these fears back. I can sit here and tell you until I'm blue in the face that this is OCD going CRAZY not YOU going CRAZY, but I don't think it will make much a difference to you, since I know that when I'm in that state of mind no one can tell me anything rational. You absolutely MUST go to a doctor. Waste no time...see your primary care RIGHT AWAY and then get an appointment with a psychiatrist. There is no time to waste....the sooner you start a regimen of meds and couseling the sooner you'll feel better.

As far as the pentagram, you've probably accidentally clicked on it before without even noticing because it was no big deal. Now that you're all freaked out and looking for proof that you're crazy or evil or whatever (courtesy of OCD) you'll notice it...

I will be praying for you. I know how terrifying this experience is.

 

[HeatherG]

Hi GTP,
Stacii is right. Go and see a doctor as soon as you can. If your symptoms are getting worse you really need to see someone about it. Don't just struggle by yourself any more.
Praying for you.
Heather

 

[gracealone]

Yes.. please Listen to Stacii's advice. We all can convince ourselves that it's something other than OCD when we are having a serious bout with this disorder.
When I was a young woman with OCD I went through a period of time where I thought that I could or would be demon possessed. This "spike" was caused by a Christian saying that such a thing could happen. Even, though, I knew that scripture says that it is not possible I still had the thought plague me for some time. OCD can do that to you. See the Doc. asap.

Polishmanmike....
I appreciate your well intended advice, and I rejoice that for now God has delivered you from your affliction with OCD. But you must not be presumptious concerning the will and action of God concerning someone else's affliction.
We all pray for healing and we all know that, "He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all we can ask or think." But for some of us He has taught us great things in and through our illnesses. For some of us the affliction has been purposeful in order to teach us that "His grace is sufficient for us, and that His power is made perfect in our weakness."
We tend to say.. God can use me even though I have OCD, or in spite of my OCD. But the apostle Paul said, "I will therefore glory IN my affliction in order that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
So for some of us the physical healing of our OCD does not happen. God has used it to mold and shape us into vessels more useful to Him. So we should really be saying that God uses some of us because of and in and through our afflictions rather than in spite of.
I'm so thrilled to see your devotion to Christ. I also know you are very well intended and compassionate. It's just that when you imply that we can and all will be healed as you have, then when some of us aren't we can tend to beat ourselves up or think that we might not be as spirtual as you are. I'm sure you would agree that this is not true. But for a person in the deepest darkest hole and agony of OCD such an implication is devastating.. and they will readily agree with you that their illness is there because for some reason they haven't believed God good enough to recieve healing.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to say to you.
We are all individuals and God deals with each of us in individual ways according to His will and His plans for each of us.
For some like yourself, you have been healed of your OCD,(praise God), for some like myself, I have learned to live with my OCD and learned that it doesn't in any way minimize the power of Christ in me. (For this, I too can say Praise God.)
Blessings,
Mitzi

 

[stacii]

Amen Mitzi...indeed! God does use us through our suffering...sometimes he chooses to deliver us THROUGH our suffering rather than FROM it. Well said!

As far as the medicine goes, every time I start getting down about it or confused about it I remind myself of the Israelites in the desert. All of those snakes were biting them and poisoning them and God's people were dying. When they cried out to Him, he easily could have healed them without doing anything fancy, but he had Moses put a snake on a pole for them to look at for healing. Zoloft is my snake on a pole right now. I know that God has truly answered my prayers of anguish by providing me relief through medication.