want to get high/ drunk

[Lily76_]

Am unsure where to post this as it has to do with drugs and drink
i feel like i want to use again
because it will be the anniversary of my dads death ( he killed himself )
on the 17th of September
Am finding things really hard but i cant go to AA or NA because i have social anxiety and find it hard to be around people
Am on Valium for my anxiety but there also addictive and in the past i have abused them
my husband keeps them locked away with my other medication so i dont OD on them and the other medication
Also am finding it hard to go into shops that have drink in them without buying some
i have avoided going out today for that reason
...finding things so hard

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I'm glad you posted.

NA has online meetings, and you can find a list here. Have you thought about finding an accountability person who you can be honest with, accountable to? Someone who is supportive yet calls you out when you are caving in to the same old routine as before? I don't mean yelling, but pointing out the irrational thinking or struggles that maybe you don't see in yourself.

It sounds like your husband is supportive in helping you to take positive steps. Have you shared with him how much of a struggle you are finding things?

 

[Lily76_]

There is a error on that site
I have talked to my husband about how i am feeling he is understanding
I dont have a sponsor or anything like that
think i might need one

 

[Chaplain David]

Am unsure where to post this as it has to do with drugs and drink
i feel like i want to use again
because it will be the anniversary of my dads death ( he killed himself )
on the 17th of September
Am finding things really hard but i cant go to AA or NA because i have social anxiety and find it hard to be around people
Am on Valium for my anxiety but there also addictive and in the past i have abused them
my husband keeps them locked away with my other medication so i dont OD on them and the other medication
Also am finding it hard to go into shops that have drink in them without buying some
i have avoided going out today for that reason
...finding things so hard

Hi,

I'm a recovering alcoholic who goes to AA. I understand about your social anxiety and the limitations it can put on a person. Kristen had some good ideas. One I wanted to ask you about is this. Are you able to go to a counselor? It would be one-on-one and not a group. It could be very helpful. Also, posting in this forum can provide support. I will certainly do what I can to help.

Also, I am very sorry you lost your dad. I know what that is like and am praying for you. God bless.

 

[Lily76_]

Thank you... no i dont have a counselor at the moment , i do talk to my pastor about things but he isn't a trained counselor ...
i guess i need to look for one but its affording it as am on disability...
and i have asked my psych for one but he said i didn't need one
I have been to AA before with my husband coming with me and it helped
but am now too scared to go because my social anxiety has gotten so bad
I hear voices and they tell me to hurt people and i have to keep myself in check that i don't its exhausting doing it and am scared that one of these day i wont be able to keep myself in check and hit someone
but i have never hit or hurt anyone yet and that's been going on for about 3 years and my psych knows about it ...

I can try and go to AA again with my husband with me but am unsure if he will go or not
I found An AA chat room and its helping
Thank you again

 

[madison1101]

Hi Sweetie,
I understand some of your pain, confusion, and anxiety. I suffered from terrible anxiety when I first started going to AA and psychotherapy, and abused Xanax because I didn't know how addictive it was. My psychiatrist has me on Buspar, which is not as addictive.

Some questions for you concerning the voices. Are you on meds for the voices? Some antipsychotic medications help with anxiety too. I've been on some for my bipolar mania, and they have helped me a lot.

I would suggest that instead of asking your psychiatrist about counseling, tell him that you seriously need psychotherapy to learn coping skills for dealing with your social anxiety. A good therapist, like mine, can teach you relaxation and visualization exercises, which you could practice daily. There are other self-soothing skills an addict/alcoholic can learn in therapy. I have been in psychotherapy for 23 years, and am also a licensed psychotherapist.

If you are on Disability, are you eligible for Medicare? I go on Medicare in October, because I have been on Disability for two years. Medicare pays for some outpatient mental health. I also believe it covers some alcohol treatment, but I'm not sure.

If you aren't on Medicare, would you qualify for Medicaid? My son is on Medicaid and spent three weeks inpatient at a treatment facility and now goes to psychotherapy twice a week, plus sees a psychiatrist.

In addition to an AA sponsor, I have a Spiritual mentor. She is a mature woman I met a church ages ago. We started out where she guided me in learning what God said about Himself and me in His Word. She also held me accountable to working my AA 12 Steps. I confided all me secrets to her. She always taught me what God's Word had to say about my distorted thinking, in order for me to learn that what I was thinking was not the Truth, but a lie from the Devil.

Here's an example of how she would do that. My brother Jack would be 61 years old today, BUT he died suddenly four years ago. The alcoholic in me would think, "It's too painful today to deal with Jack's birthday. I can't stand how I feel. It's awful he died so young. I'm mad at God for robbing my family of him, my baby brother, and my Dad. I think I'll go buy a bottle of wine and get drunk, so I won't have to feel so bad." (I used to think this way.)

Ruth has taught me what God says about all my thinking. "Praise the Lord, Jack was a believer in Jesus, so he is celebrating his birthday in heaven with Neil and Daddy. What a better way to celebrate than with Jesus. Yes, it hurts to miss him on this special day. God can give me the strength to get through this time without hurting myself. AND, God loves me so much, He sent His Son to die for me, and give me that strength. Plus, if I get drunk, I will feel a lot worse afterward. Only the Devil wants to hurt me. God wants me to take care of myself so that I can help other people who are hurting from lost loved ones. It's hard, but God is faithful to strengthen me."

So, today, I went to a morning AA meeting. Then, I spent the afternoon volunteering at a drug/alcohol agency that offers free services to people in early recovery. Then, my sister-in-law invited me to join her and my nephew to dinner. She is my brother's widow. We had a lovely evening discussing good things that are happening in both of our lives.

I would like to suggest that you try to go to another AA meeting. When you get there, ask someone to start a women's phone list. When you go home, take the phone list and call a woman to ask where there are meetings that are small. Some AA meetings can be very crowded and even give me social anxiety, and I have been in AA for 23 years. I prefer the smaller, more intimate meetings. Also, work on overcoming that anxiety by trying to make a phone call to an AA woman each day. Just doing that could help you learn about AA. Do not feel like you are bothering the women. Making phone calls and helping newcomers is what AA people like to do because it is one of the 12 Steps. You may find an AA friend through making the phone calls. You may even find an AA sponsor that way.

I know I have given you a lot of ideas. I am honestly sharing my experience with everything. I have not had a drink since January 2010. I have worked all 12 Steps of the AA Program. I read the AA Big Book and the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions regularly. I help newcomers.

You can read both of the books online for free at the AA Website Alcoholics Anonymous :, or you can order them, I believe through Amazon.

Feel free to PM me, and I will gladly share my private e-mail address with you.

 

[Lily76_]

Am in the uk so most treatment is free ... but here if you want to see an independent counselor you have to pay for it and i cant afford it
My psych in the past has said i don't need Therapy am unsure if he will change his mind about it...
Am on medication for the voices but still hear them my psych said even with medication i may always here them
I will try and go to an AA meeting with my husband there is one i can go to on Monday at 7.30 pm as i cant go earlier than that as my husband got things to do today and Sunday ...
I will pm you