Vow/promise obsessions, anyone?

[DruryGirl]

Hi, everyone. I need to talk. Badly.

My story is so long and involved that I really can't
(and don't want to) tell it all here. But basically, I
have OCD. My obsession: vows. My compulsion:
making "protective" vows.

Typical scenario: I want to do something. I feel
this horrible pressure, like I might "vow away" the
right to do the thing, or that God might somehow
snatch it from me (usually by getting me to "vow
away" the thing). So I promise to do the thing to
stop myself from losing it. (For anyone who has
OCD on this forum, you know that urge. Yes, I'm
admitting it, I deliberately say these protective
vows. They're my fault. But you know that urge
like you just gotta do the compulsion to protect
yourself....)

This is just one example, just one vague example.
This would be the perfect topic for counseling or
something.

I'm not saying a lot now because if I said it all I'd
just type on and on and on and on. I really need
to talk to someone.

So I'm issuing a general call for people to offer up
their stories, advice, and encouragement, please!
On the thread or on the PM, I gratefully accept
all.

Does anyone else...

--worry about possibly making future vows,
specific or otherwise? (e.g. you're listening to
a kind of music you like and fear that you could
somehow make a vow not to listen to that kind
of music, thus losing it forever)
--make "protective" vows (praying no "in
advance" for a certain potential vow, or making
an opposite vow to "protect" the right to do
whatever it is you don't want to vow)

I'm getting confused by my own words. This is
so frustrating. Maybe someone will understand?

Whatever you say to me, please say it in a way
that is kind and gentle. I am very sensitive and
fragile and unstable over this topic.

Thanks for listening.

 

[marcb]

Hi,

These are not your fault. I used to make many vows especially during my drinking days (which, by the grace of God are over!). "I'll never drink again....." I have made a lot of if/then vows that I have broken if you know what I mean.

You said something about opposite vows. My opposite vows range from "if I don't pick up that piece of trash that I encounter while I'm walking by and really busy, then I must not value my commitment to God", etc to a compulsion of selling my soul for an outcome that I don't even value.

I even have the horrid thought that I sometimes cannot shake of my signature appearing in a bill of sale or contract of my soul. I do everything I can during this despicable fantasy. In my mind I scratch out the signature part and say "no deal." Yesterday, I had peace and understanding that my soul has been purchased by the blood of Christ and is not for sale and Jesus is my agent who will not allow any such occurrence. Therefore, it is all merely a nightmarish daydream, nothing more. I can almost laugh about it. Almost....

I can tell you, It's just an anxiety funded creepshow, that's all.

I empathize with your struggles. I'm not sure -- mine may be different than yours, but I relate to your frustration and pain. Feel free to ask anything. I hope this was helpful.

May you hide in Christ when all else falls apart.

Marc

 

[ShannonJ]

Hi! I too have OCD and have had obsessions about doing things in order to prevent other things from happening. The fear is sooooo real and it causes me so much anxiety. I am so sorry that you are hurting! I really do understand the pain/confusion/frustration that comes with OCD. What is so frustrating about OCD is that it is soooo persistant. Now this is just an assumption (because this is how it is with me) but I am assuming that you have a thought or fear lets say the one about how you fear that if you make a vow to never listen to a certain type of music that you will lose it forever. I am assuming that you do (as do I) tell yourself that what you fear will not lodgically not happen. However, because of the OCD (and this happens with me so I am still assuming) that fear still persists and it tells you that yes it WILL happen and the fear is so strong and persistnat that it makes you worry about it and the thoughts just keep coming and coming.
Just some examples with me: I used to think when I was little that if I did not pray for every one of my family members every morning that they were somehow not protected and that something bad would happen to them and it would be my fault. Sometimes I would forget to pray in the morning and I would be at school and remember that I had not done it and I would get so anxious and worried that something had already happened because I had forgot and that I would go home to find that one of my family members had died. Now just reading this you are probably thinking how rediculous, why would this girl think that she would leave her family unprotected by not praying for them (or more so that I was the sole protecting power over them). But the fact is that with OCD that fear was so real and the obsession with protecting them along with the compulsion to pray for them would not go away. I could tell myself that nothing bad was going to happen to them if I did not pray for them but my OCD would say "Oh yes, something bad will happen and it will be your fault!" That is how OCD works (I have recently come to learn).

I have been reading an amazing book on OCD it is called BRAIN LOCK, Free yourself from obsessive compulsive behavior. If you get a chance I would highly recommend reading it.(It has been super helpful) I got it at barnes and noble for about 15$. It just really makes EVERYTHING about OCD make sense. Here is in a very brief nut shell what the book says about OCD and the steps to overcome it. There are 4 steps. The 1st one is to RELABEL: Recognize each and every OCD thought for what it is, and obsession or a compulsion. If you are wondering if your thought or urge is OCD then it probably is. The second step is REATTRIBUTE: Once you recognize the thought or ugre for what it is you have to understand why you are having the thought or urge (and why it is so darn persistant!). The reason is because (this is what the book is saying) you have a condition called OCD "a condition that has been scientifically demonstrted to be related to a biochemical imbalance in the brain that causes your brain to misfire. There is now strong scientific evidence that in OCD a part of your brain that works much like a gearshift in a car is not working properly. Therefore your brain gets stuck in gear "and the thoughts/urges keep coming. The third step in the book is to REFOCUS: or to engage yourself in an activity that you enjoy or that takes your full attention for at least 15 minutes. The book says the more we are able to do this the more we are training our brains to switch to the next gear. The fourth step is REVALUE: This step basiclly says that with practice we will eventually be able to realize our obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors as "worthless distractions to be ignored." I don't want to sound like a therapy session or that I know it all about OCD because I really don't. I am just very excited to read something that put things into perspective for me.

So anyway that is a really short blip about the book (which really does not do it justice.)
For me just understanding why my brain works the way it does was a huge help. There are soooo many different obsessions and compulsions that we with OCD get stuck on (some of my very obsessions/compulsions were in the book!)
If you want to PM me anytime you are more then welcome to. I am working on my OCD problems still among other issues but I know the pain of the OCD thoughts and the fear and anxiety that comes with them because they feel soooo real. I will pray for you!

 

[DruryGirl]

Marc and Shannon, thanks for your helpful answers. My "protective" vows aren't quite like how I need to pick up trash or else I'm not valuing God. It's more like, let me make up a fake example. This didn't really happen but it's supposed to illustrate.

You're watching a movie. The thought comes to you to vow never to see the movie again. You don't want to "lose" the movie, so you vow something like, "I vow to never give up this movie" or something like that.
My obsession is vowing, and my compulsion is also vowing to "protect" myself from either future vows or from God taking something away from me.

Shannon, that sounds like a great book. Thanks again for your answers both.

 

[frank1234]

My "vowing" could be very similar to what you are saying, where, In order not to repeat my obsessions(whether in action or thought) I make a "vow" that this is the last time I will do "that", or may God strike me(or some thing like that), and majority of the time I am not successful in not repeating that obsession.
I think It all comes from that underlieng fear which is causing the anxiety to begin with. We all have the fear of "some thing" which causes anxiety(for you It was maybe about that movie senario), and to avoid that anxiety you have(like me) created that fear tactic of "vow"ing, because you think the "vow" will stop your anxiety.
I think we have to admit that The "vow" does not help, but adds to the problem;I know for me It has added to the problem and maybe is helpful only 20 percent of the time. Is this some thing you can relate?
Thanks and God bless you.

 

[DruryGirl]

Yes, Frank, that makes a lot of sense. The "vow" is the compulsion that is supposed to "stop" (but really just adds to) the anxiety. Obsession: I fear I will vow something (it might pop into my head or something). Compulsion: I make an "opposite" vow or some form of anti-vow to "prevent" the vow from happening. It just makes everything worse. I totally relate.

 

[fashionista1]

I don't if this qualifies under this topic, but I always feel that in order to prevent bad things from happening to those I love, I have to get rid of things I enjoy, especially if they are secular, such as CD's; books; my fashion magazine collection and even other things that are more valuable. I also fear the same if I watch certain TV shows, movies, etc.

When I first became a Christian I only listened to Christian music because I was taught that any secular music was evil. I did listen exclusively to Christian music but, truth be told, there was not much of that I enjoyed. Now I have gone back to listening to artists such as: Celtic Women, Sara Brightman, Andrea Bocelli and Emmylou Harris.

I lost my precious husband 15 months ago, and I torture myself that it was my fault because I did not give up this stuff. My therapist, who is a Christian, told me there was no connection between my enjoyments and my husband's illness and subsequent passing. Now I can't help but feel that I will never know if he could have been healed, because I listened to the doctor and did not get rid of my secular enjoyments.

Feeling very sad,
fashionista1

 

[fashionista1]

To: Frank1234: Thanks for your PM. I wanted to respond privately, but I have not posted enough as yet. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your response and the time you took to help me.

Thanks again,
fashionista1

 

[marcb]

I lost my precious husband 15 months ago, and I torture myself that it was my fault because I did not give up this stuff. My therapist, who is a Christian, told me there was no connection between my enjoyments and my husband's illness and subsequent passing. Now I can't help but feel that I will never know if he could have been healed, because I listened to the doctor and did not get rid of my secular enjoyments.

Feeling very sad,
fashionista1

Dear fashionista1,

This is very sad and touching. I am sorry about your loss. Many who experience loss often feel somehow responsible even when there is no fault. It is very much part of the grieving process.

We know that the Lord has a plan for each of us and all of our days are numbered according to His sovereign plan. The enjoyment of things of this world that are ultimately God given (who gave us voices to sing?) does not have the power to subvert God's sovereign plan.

I am sorry for your loss.

Marc

 

[gracealone]

Yes, Frank, that makes a lot of sense. The "vow" is the compulsion that is supposed to "stop" (but really just adds to) the anxiety. Obsession: I fear I will vow something (it might pop into my head or something). Compulsion: I make an "opposite" vow or some form of anti-vow to "prevent" the vow from happening. It just makes everything worse. I totally relate.

HI DruryG.
Just wanted to say that... yes, this is exactly what's going on and it's so great that you see it. Now.. the really hard part is to break this cycle by letting the thoughts/fears about vowing come into your brain and then not giving in to them or attending to them by doing the compulsion which is percieved need to do the "anti vow". Your brain will definitely fight you on this as it will be sending you some really intense fight or flight anxiety because it wants so badly to have something to expend all that energy on - something to chew on. But it's only by letting thoughts be there along with the accompanying anxiety that eventually habituates the brain to the them in such a way that it eventually stops overeacting to them.
I know this is far easier said then done. I totally understand just how painful and difficult it is.
I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

 

[gracealone]

I don't if this qualifies under this topic, but I always feel that in order to prevent bad things from happening to those I love, I have to get rid of things I enjoy, especially if they are secular, such as CD's; books; my fashion magazine collection and even other things that are more valuable. I also fear the same if I watch certain TV shows, movies, etc.

When I first became a Christian I only listened to Christian music because I was taught that any secular music was evil. I did listen exclusively to Christian music but, truth be told, there was not much of that I enjoyed. Now I have gone back to listening to artists such as: Celtic Women, Sara Brightman, Andrea Bocelli and Emmylou Harris.

I lost my precious husband 15 months ago, and I torture myself that it was my fault because I did not give up this stuff. My therapist, who is a Christian, told me there was no connection between my enjoyments and my husband's illness and subsequent passing. Now I can't help but feel that I will never know if he could have been healed, because I listened to the doctor and did not get rid of my secular enjoyments.

Feeling very sad,
fashionista1

HI Fashion..
I know I can't enter into or know the pain that you must be in with this tremendous loss. I will pray for you.
The "responsibility OCD" that you have has to make your suffering all the more intense.
Many of us here understand how OCD can really wreak havoc with our emotions, but how much harder it must be when going through such a time as this.
I hope you are able to seperate the OCD from what is really true/valid.
I'm glad you are here on this forum opening up about your pain. Here you will find many compassionate people who really get what it's like to live with OCD and offer support and encouragement.
God Bless,
Mitzi

 

[fashionista1]

Marc and Mitzi: Thank you so very much for your kind words and thoughts. I know, at least logically, that it is my OCD. But, as you are likely well aware, OCD is so stubborn in convincing us differently. My husband was the sweetest man, and truly loved the Lord. He was nearly 20 years older than me so I knew, at least statistically, I would likely outlive him by some years. We were married 24 years. I try and tell myself to be thankful that we that many years together, and that they were happy. God truly did bless me with this man.

Thank you again for your kindness.

Love,
fashionista1

 

[TULIPgirl]

DruryG,
It sounds like you struggle with almost exactly what I have struggled with over and over, and thanks for saying something, as this is for me one of the hardest ones to talk to anybody about!
I used to do the same kind of thing to "protect" myself; I had a whole complicated structure of words that I wrapped myself in like a cocoon. I still struggle with making "vows" that I'll never do something I like again, but I have let the protective words go, realizing that you really don't need them to protect the things you enjoy. I think that I kind of grew out of that part of it. It tends to feed the flame of OCD (the more you feed it, the bigger it gets) but I can't take credit for stopping it myself. God, as I moved through the teen years, finally caused my brain to let go of at least a part of that particularly exasperating obsession. Not to say that it's all gone, but I think I understand more how to deal with it!

 

[kimba]

DG Will be praying for you. Brainlock is a great book - it gave me so many tools and information. It has helped me to look at my thoughts and begin to recognize when I am obsessing. It FEELS so real when it is happening. God bless you.... Kim

 

[DruryGirl]

Thank you everyone for your sensibility and kind answers. I appreciate all your help.

Fashionista, please accept my condolences for your loss (which was noooooooot caused by you). Enjoy the fashion mags, and hoping to your complete recovery!

 

[gtp40]

oh man let me tell you I know exactly what you mean with the vows. Mine are slightly different than yours but the same type of thing. These vows have pretty much been running my life for months.

Simple things like picking up a red apple or a green one, or mowing a stripe one way or the other, I decide between with a vow. I usually say that if I don't do one particular thing that I will lose my faith or something like that. I don't actually mean it but it makes the decision for me because I know that I won't choose that path because of what I said. That's a very light example, but most are much worse, and lately I've been getting the unforgivable sin involved. As though I will be committing it if I don't choose a certain way. I got myself in a jam today with that and feel like I've committed the unforgivable sin. Today has been one of the worst OCD days for me in months.

 

[HappyChicken]

hey!!! I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel... it's like you try to bargain with God to get relief from whatever fear you are having. ...so, you make an unrealistic promise in bargain for the desired result. Then, you fail at your end, leading you to feel you need to prove yourself, and so you make an even bigger and more unrealistic promise....... and the cycle goes on and on. It's a very scary thing.

My OCD includes this and other "ocd things." Recently, I have read Phillipians Chapter 4. It helps me alot. I also go by the saying, "Let go and let God."

I have also started a medicine that seems to be working.

I was saved recently. I believe my new relationship with Jesus Christ has helped alot with my OCD and panic attacks. Whenever I feel the Obsessions come one, I turn to God and hand it over to him. Then, I lean on him and trust him with it. I trust that he will take care of it. Then, I do not follow through with the Obsessions by committing the Compulsion that relieves it. (is this making sense to you?)

I feel that if i give in to the compulsion, then I did not fully trust God. I have been doing this every day now for a couple weeks. I still struggle, but the load has become wayyyyy lighter. I know, that if I keep doing this, I will be healed.

I will pray that you might find this helpful and try it out for yourself.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Big Hugs. It gets better.