Verbal Abuse

[Namelesss]

So um.......it's a sin to divorce, but what do you do if your husband has been verbally abusing you ever since you got married 3 years ago, and he absolutely does Not see it, and says he's done nothing wrong......and trying to talk to him about it is like talking to a def person who just yells & insults you..... ...What's happened is I could only take so much of it, and my "feelings" for him are gone now, been that way for awhile..... He's not happy about that, and says if I just TRIED, those "feelings" would come back......... He expects me to be intimate with him. But I just don't know how I could be, as I am not in love with him... It's hard for me to be around him sometimes..... So he says I am Not trying to make things better because I don't want to be around him....But when I am (at night) he tries to be intimate with me, and I am unable to. So he says it's all my fault things are bad....blah blah, etc. etc... and it just goes around and around, and never stops.... He's very harsh with his words, and it usually ends with me locking myself in a closet or bathroom to escape.... I'm often so depressed because of this, and at times feel like I am going to go mentally insane, or explode with too much frustration/emotions (I think if I weren't a Christian, I would have gone completely crazy by now).....................So anyway, it's very hard to explain, it's such a mess..... I just don't know what to do. He says he won't divorce me, but I can divorce him.....My mom thinks I should..... But I don't know.....I love him, but feel like I"ll never be "in love" with him again.............So frustrating..........

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I am so sorry that you're going through this it must be very difficult. It sounds like you have tried to tell him how you feel in a nice way, and that is the right thing to do. Now it's up to him to listen to what you have told him. No one should stay in an abusive environment, whether it's verbal or physical abuse. I'm not necessarily saying divorce him, maybe at least leave the house when he gets abusive, or separate while trying to work things out. One way or another, he needs to know that you will no longer allow him to treat you that way. Likely, he will try to make you feel guilty when you set a boundary, it sounds like he is already doing that. Abusers always work that way. They won't take responsibility for their own actions, but instead will blame others. When you set a boundary, you are taking the first steps of helping him to see things about himself he doesn't want to own up to. It is up to him to take the steps to change, like getting some help

 

[dandymandy]

You have an excellent reply. I agree with everything it said.

I'd like to add that you need to talk with someone to help you sort out what is best for you to do....pastor? professional counselor? a good friend whose judgment you trust?

Divorce is a heavy decision and should be a last resort but sometimes it is necessary. If he says that he won't divorce you but you can divorce him, that sounds to me like he is actually saying "Like it or lump it"----not at all hopeful.

You have discussion and thinking to accomplish and unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband is the one to help you with this. Sorry

God bless,

 

[mkgal1]

The Bible does not say that divorce is a sin. We all know that the Bible says that God hates divorce (that is certainly thrown around enough), but that doesn't mean it is a sin.


Rembrantfan & DandyMandy are so right, that you shouldn't have to stay in that environment. The longer you allow it, the more difficult it will be to change it. I also agree that you should reach out to someone in real life that you know you can trust. Set up firm boundaries (look on Cloud-Townsend's website for wording), but like Rembrantfan said, be prepared for him to either guilt you or get even angier. I agree that you should at least leave the house when he is abusive, if not completely separate until he has shown he is repentant. From what I have read, it will only escalate.

Know that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers to you.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

Cloud & Townsend is an excellent resource to get some insight on relationship issues. I just happened to find this video about verbal abuse when I clicked on the marriage link:

http://www.cloudtownsend.com/channels/marriage.php

 

[dandymandy]

Just had a look at the video that Rembrantfan linked to. Great video.

I don't know whether Nameless has tried what was suggested on the video or whether she has done so forcefully enough. I have the sense that her marriage is in pretty bad shape and that a third party is needed for the marriage to get on the right track.

I am so sorry about how bad thing are. I pray for a turn-around or some sort of solution. Things simply cannot go on this way for you.

God bless

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It is a major peeve of mine when people tell abused wives to stay with their husbands because "God hates divorce." I'll post the entire Scipture here, and I'll do it from the King James so that even the most narrow-minded won't be able to refute it.


Malachi 2:14-16

14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

This passage is less about divorce and more about men not mistreating their wives! Yet how many times has it been used against a wife, to keep her trapped in a situation where she is being abused? People seem to focus only on the part that is in red, as if there is nothing else discussed in this passage.

Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates dealing treacherously with the wife even more.

 

[ArohaB]

It is a major peeve of mine when people tell abused wives to stay with their husbands because "God hates divorce." I'll post the entire Scipture here, and I'll do it from the King James so that even the most narrow-minded won't be able to refute it.


Malachi 2:14-16

14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

This passage is less about divorce and more about men not mistreating their wives! Yet how many times has it been used against a wife, to keep her trapped in a situation where she is being abused? People seem to focus only on the part that is in red, as if there is nothing else discussed in this passage.

Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates dealing treacherously with the wife even more.

thankyou, that is insightful

 

[Namelesss]

Thanks for your responses everyone... I watched that video. Yes I have tried that stuff.. When I try talking to him about it, he just laughs and says I'm the cause of all this, and name calls more. ....So I pretty much have to keep my mouth shut... What's hurtful, is that when he sees that I'm emotionally upset, it doesn't seem to bother him....he just keeps going at it, and says that I have mental issues.... LovebirdsFlying, thanks for the bible verses, I don't dare show my husband though...He will only say that he is Not treating me badly, but that I am the only one disobeying God.... He's always showing me the verses that say wives submit to your husbands etc....but he makes it sooo hard for me to submit to him, when he treats me the way he does..... I don't have anyone to talk to about this, except my mother....We live in the same house as my parents, both of them hate how he acts, and they think I should divorce him........... .. I don't know, I'm just confused and frustrated. I'll just keep praying about it...

 

[ArohaB]

What you describe is mental and verbal abuse from him.
Confusion usually comes from a conflict of belief within ourselves about a situation.
The first thing to do is decide what you believe about the situation so you can know what to do next.
Your husband may be aware of your confusion and uses that weakness to continue to bully you.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

Seems like he is in denial, and sounds like he needs some help. Abusive people always react that way and find a way to shift the blame back onto others, when they are confronted. They do this because they are insecure, and they fear to admit any weakness or failures, because doing so confirms (at least in their thinking) that they are not good enough. The agressive behavior is an attempt to hide their insecurity from others. It really is a major issue with self-worth. He can only change with some outside help, and he has to be willing to get it. The only chance he will become willing to seek help, is when his situation no longer works the way he wants it to. In other words, you not allowing him to abuse you anymore. It's not a guarantee that he will change, but he will definitely not change if you do nothing and everything stays the same as it is now. If you have already tried talking to him, and nothing has changed, then maybe the next step is to separate until he is willing to get help and after you have seen some real evidence that he has changed.

God bless, and you and your husband are both in my prayers.

 

[LTRoss]

What was his Parents' relationship like? Was it similar? Is he affected by alcoholism or does that run in his family? Just curious.

Remember he's picking on a child of God who loves the way he made you. My dad behaved this way for a long time, usually until things reached the breaking point, then he would back down when he was about to get booted. He had some major issues because my grandfather was a raging drunk.

Praying you up!
LT