Venting I guess

[Godsgirl481]

I am not sure why I am posting this in the non-Christian section. Maybe it is because I don't feel like a 'Christian' most of the time. I often wonder if I am the only one that feels the way I feel, thinks the way I think, or do the things I do. I've been saved...when I was 14. So I guess that makes me a 'Christian'. I meant the prayer at the time and actually became 'on fire' for a few months. It was strange to me. I was living in a house were Wicca and Satanism was being praticed. I didn't understand Christianity or this 'God' but I felt a sort of peace that I had never felt before. I would write Bible verses on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and it would make my mother sooooo mad at me and I would get a beating for it. But I didn't stop...not for a while anyways. I felt the 'evil' in the house and began to hear things and see things at night. I know I sound crazy...but I felt and saw the spiritual battle that was happening in the house....i think I did anyways. After a few months of having this new 'protector' over me and not being protected against my parents...the beatings and the sex....I got sooo mad at God. I started to hate him. Not only did he not protect me when I was little...but now when I have asked him to and accepted him and was trying to live like he wanted...he still was not protecting me. I started to get into my parent's Satanism more and more...and the more I did...the more I hated God. Anyways...I've probably said too much...I know people reading this is like all bored now. So now...I am sooooo confused about God and stuff...and I still feel so much anger at him. I sorta understand now that the past wasn't really his fault...but sometimes I just hate him for it. I don't know...it is so hard to explain. People throw Scripture at me...and I do really try to read it and understand it...but most of it is like another language to me. I get so frustrated that I can't understand it....and it makes me upset...just reading it. Makes me panicky inside and makes me want to cut. (been a cutter for about 8 years now). It makes me shake all over and gives me a huge headache. I really do try to let God closer to me. And sometimes I get let him pretty close...then I get scared again and go off running. If I feel super mad at God, I'll go into Wiccan and Satanist sites and chat rooms. I know I shouldn't and y'all are probably gonna scream at me...but it's what I know and I know God hates it...so sometimes I just want to hurt God... So...I am not really sure what my question is. It's late and I am super tired and probably not making any sense....don't wanna take up anymore space on here.....

 

[TheTruthinFiction]

I am not sure why I am posting this in the non-Christian section. Maybe it is because I don't feel like a 'Christian' most of the time. I often wonder if I am the only one that feels the way I feel, thinks the way I think, or do the things I do. I've been saved...when I was 14. So I guess that makes me a 'Christian'. I meant the prayer at the time and actually became 'on fire' for a few months. It was strange to me. I was living in a house were Wicca and Satanism was being praticed. I didn't understand Christianity or this 'God' but I felt a sort of peace that I had never felt before. I would write Bible verses on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and it would make my mother sooooo mad at me and I would get a beating for it. But I didn't stop...not for a while anyways. I felt the 'evil' in the house and began to hear things and see things at night. I know I sound crazy...but I felt and saw the spiritual battle that was happening in the house....i think I did anyways. After a few months of having this new 'protector' over me and not being protected against my parents...the beatings and the sex....I got sooo mad at God. I started to hate him. Not only did he not protect me when I was little...but now when I have asked him to and accepted him and was trying to live like he wanted...he still was not protecting me. I started to get into my parent's Satanism more and more...and the more I did...the more I hated God. Anyways...I've probably said too much...I know people reading this is like all bored now. So now...I am sooooo confused about God and stuff...and I still feel so much anger at him. I sorta understand now that the past wasn't really his fault...but sometimes I just hate him for it. I don't know...it is so hard to explain. People throw Scripture at me...and I do really try to read it and understand it...but most of it is like another language to me. I get so frustrated that I can't understand it....and it makes me upset...just reading it. Makes me panicky inside and makes me want to cut. (been a cutter for about 8 years now). It makes me shake all over and gives me a huge headache. I really do try to let God closer to me. And sometimes I get let him pretty close...then I get scared again and go off running. If I feel super mad at God, I'll go into Wiccan and Satanist sites and chat rooms. I know I shouldn't and y'all are probably gonna scream at me...but it's what I know and I know God hates it...so sometimes I just want to hurt God... So...I am not really sure what my question is. It's late and I am super tired and probably not making any sense....don't wanna take up anymore space on here.....

It doesn't look like many people are touching this one. In my own opinion and you are welcome to scream back at me, Ha. It sounds more like an issue of trying to be like your parents and being angry at them than at God. I will need someone to back me up or fix what I'm about to say. I'm thinking that God isn't getting mad at you for doing those things, that goes into the whole free will area that I stay away from. The cutter part is what I noticed. Can I ask why you do that? In many studies of cutters it is a lack of attention that causes them to do this. Which would point back to your relationship with your parents. I'm also interested in what you mean by, "practicing" Satanists and Wiccans.

Satanism is not something that is practiced by seances or any of the other devil worship. Satanism is a philosophy that says, "I am all that matters". Most of the Wiccans I have met, probably 20 or 30 what I would call real Wiccans are very peaceful people, a little kooky at times but peaceful. Anything that involves dark spirits and the other supernatural is devil worship. Back to the cutter, this is aggravating me having a friend who just committed suicide recently and seeing the damage it does to others. There are many other ways to vent anger that are productive. I'm trying not to make this personal between you and your parents but I do think it is your parents you are angry at or even angry at yourself but not God. I can understand you on the scripture part, that is why I'm not throwing any at you. At your age, the rebellious years should be going away and that is why I put that you may be angry at yourself. That and the fact that you cut yourself.

I'm not going to offer you the simple solution of seek help but instead, take a night to yourself. Line up some short-term goals for yourself, starting with no more cutting and really ask yourself who you are mad at it. I admitted in one of my posts that I would get mad at God when things didn't go my way but those things didn't go my way because I did something to mess them up. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that most of the problems we have are because of our own insecurities and failures but you can reverse that. Hope this helps and stop cutting or I will scream at you.

 

[JJB]

Wow! You have experienced a lot more than I have in my life, Bams. Are you in a bible study or do you attend a church? Bible studies or small groups is where I have learned the most, as far as how to read the bible, etc. For myself, I need to be in a group for awhile before I can feel "safe" in sharing my struggles.

Because you are a Christian, I'd like to remind you that God wants only the best for you! Don't be afraid to let Him be close to you. Sometimes, tho, we do have to go through "stuff", and at the other end of the stuff is where we can see the purpose of it -- like helping others through the same situations. Sometimes, tho, we don't know why we have to go through what we go through.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I'll keep you in my prayers, Bam. Hang in there.

 

[Tavita]

Bam,

I really like what TruthinFiction had to say to you. It sounds more like a problem of not liking yourself, and you're projecting that onto God, and also feeling let down in yourself that you couldn't handle the problems at home. As a young christian we do seem to sail along for awhile as though God is holding us by the hand as we learn to walk, but just as a young child has to learn to take a few steps on it's own, God has to let your hand go sometime. It's usually then that the young child falls down.. quite a few times.. before having the strength to keep standing... and you'll notice that the child sometimes seems bewildered that 'daddy' let go his hand. I fell and stood a lot in the first few years, but the thing is to get back up, tell Him about it and start learning to walk again. His Father's heart is yearning for you to come home.

You also need to surround yourself with other christians, especially in the early years. That's why it's called the body.. we're suppose to be there for each other, to support and pray for each other, giving strength and encouragement, as well as practical help.
The situation you describe at home would be too much for a young christian without help, to bear. Did you have practical help from others at this time?

Have a look at Luke chapter 15, the story of the prodigal son and put yourself in the place of the son. You'll see how much the Father waits and longs for his child to come home, no matter what he's been into or what he's done. It's not too late to return home. And believe me, God is not angry with you, far from it. That pulling away from Him when you get near is because you don't feel good enough or worthy enough for Him. You feel that He could not possibly love someone such as yourself, but love you He does.

 

[1GODALONE]

Bams. While I dont know exactly what you went through. I believe that I can relate much of my own life to your story. I was verbally and physically assaulted by my stepmom, every week for 5 years. While my father said nothing. This was the first time I had ever actually considered putting my life to an end. I accepted Christ at 7 years old, but during much of those 5 years I felt that if he were real, he would save me from this wretched routine of hate. Long...Long story short, my real mom rescued me from that place. What was amazing was that I had started praying to God for the first time in 4 years that last year, asking him to help me out of the misery. He answered within the course of 6 months. Bams, dont give up on him. He hears you, he knows you, most importantly, he let himself be handed over to raging a mob of mockers and bloodthirsty shortsighted people, to die a murderer's death on two planks of wood, for you. Dont forget that he doesnt care what history you have behind you, because he knows you once said yes, to him. What I do when I need to understand his love is real, is step outside and look at the stars at night, then, there, feeling small as a grain of sand on the sun. I remember that the God who was big enough to create all this, cared enough to become one of us, and bear my burden through his death. Bam, Get back to the fundamentals of Christ. His love, and compassion for all humanity, his sacrifice. Then remember he has all of those things for you, and you are special to him. I love you Bam, so does God. I will keep you in my prayers. I know you will find the answers soon, God will provide them. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, I know it is hard. God Bless you.

 

[Godsgirl481]

It sounds more like an issue of trying to be like your parents and being angry at them than at God.

Probably

The cutter part is what I noticed. Can I ask why you do that? In many studies of cutters it is a lack of attention that causes them to do this.

I don't cut anymore...it's been almost 2 years...but I still have urges to so I still consider myself a cutter. When I was doing it...it had absoultly nothing to do with getting attention. I have been hurting myself since I was little. Hitting my head really hard over and over on the wall when I was like 7....pressing the palms of my hands until i couldn't see and so on. Manifested into cutting when I was 17. Not a soul on this planet knew about it for the first 4 years or so. It was hidden and done in private...as a way of release the anger and pain I felt...and punishing myself.

Which would point back to your relationship with your parents. I'm also interested in what you mean by, "practicing" Satanists and Wiccans.

I say practice because I don't really know what it was. She'd sit on the floor and chant, and swewar that she had come out of her body and was floating on the celing. She's wear chrystals and 'do spells' on me and other people. Probably wasn't real...but she said this was my punishiment for being bad. She'd tell me that God hated me and would never love me. Then as she was doing all this stuff, she was declaring that she loved God too and was like this perfect 'Christian' whatever that is. It probably wasn't real...I don't know what it was...

 

[serafaith]

Hey Bams: I pretty much agree with all that 1Godalone has said, as well as the others who've posted in response. I'll keep you in my prayers, and hope you'll try to develop a small bible study or fellowship group of other believers to support and help you during the rough times. As far as understanding the bible when you read it...have you tried the Message version? For study or the final translation it might not be the definitive translation to read...but for reading the gospel in "real english" and skipping the "thees and thous", it can be a good choice.
Again..to echo the others...God NEVER lets go, even when we do. I've gone through so much despair, loneliness and pain in my life, and I've run from God more than once. He's never stopped searching for me, being there for me, and loving me through all of it. He'll never stop loving you either. Center your heart and mind on Him and let the rest of it take a back seat to your belief. He will do the rest. Blessings......

 

[helmikaarina]

I agree with OP. In the darkness it may feel God has gone away, but he is faithful. He is there even if we cannot see him. He didn't abandon Jesus and he won't abandon us. Trust on him. There will be a dawn after darkness and God has come closer to you during the night. Why all this suffering, we don't know. But we do know Jesus knows our suffering and is there with us. You are never alone.

May God bless you and keep you.

 

[byfaith1965]

Hi Bams,

I am sorry that you have had to live in such a tremendous adversive atmosphere. I have a couple of things to say about your situation. I hope that you can bear with me. I like to use Gods word when talking about things because I can't say it any better, and since you have said at times you have trouble understanding I will help you with it.

The first thing that comes to mind, and I know you are going to think im crazy, but I'm going to say it anyway Rejoyce in the Lord always through good times and bad. God knows your heart, God knows what you are going through. Others have also gone through the same.

Here is what David said in Psalms,

Ps 38:1-10 A Psalm of David, for the memorial offering. O LORD, rebuke me not in thy anger, nor chasten me in thy wrath! 2 For thy arrows have sunk into me, and thy hand has come down on me. 3 There is no soundness in my flesh because of thy indignation; there is no health in my bones because of my sin. 4 For my iniquities have gone over my head; they weigh like a burden too heavy for me. 5 My wounds grow foul and fester because of my foolishness, 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning. 7 For my loins are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh. 8 I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart. 9 Lord, all my longing is known to thee, my sighing is not hidden from thee. 10 My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me.

When you gave your life to God, espeically under your circumstances, you had no choice but to be in a spiritual battle.

I would write Bible verses on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and it would make my mother sooooo mad at me and I would get a beating for it.

Lk 12:51-53 Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division; 52 for henceforth in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three; 53 they will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against her mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law."

1Co 10:13-14 13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 14 Therefore, my beloved, shun the worship of idols.

You can return to the Love and Peace that you once felt from God. He is waiting on your return to him with open arms. The pain that you have been going through is something that we all go through when we feel the conviction that enters us. Once you become a Christian,

I've been saved...when I was 14. So I guess that makes me a 'Christian'. I meant the prayer at the time and actually became 'on fire' for a few months.

you knew your life had changed. You may not have understood it at the time but it did. You had no support system in your life and being so young and alone in a house of people that cant understand, it was a struggle for you to stay spiritual healthy. We all go through trials and tests in life. The more faith and spiritual growth you have, which by the way gets built up by studying the word, prayer and mediatation etc.., the faster you can come out of these situations.

Lk 8:11-15 11 Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. 12 The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, that they may not believe and be saved. 13 And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy; but these have no root, they believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away. 14 And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. 15 And as for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bring forth fruit with patience.

I felt the 'evil' in the house and began to hear things and see things at night. I know I sound crazy...but I felt and saw the spiritual battle that was happening in the house....i think I did anyways.

Hunny that doesn't sound crazy at all. Satan is real and unfourtunatly your Mom has decided to worship the dark side so your house was full of evil spirits. The battle is not too much for you to bear though. You have the answer in Jesus Chirst, he came here to raise up the meek and give his strenth through the Holy Spirit. God doesnt put us in situations that can be more than we can bear. This may sound crazy to you but Thank God for your present situation because your faith will pull you through this. It may hurt and be confusing right now,

I started to get into my parent's Satanism more and more...and the more I did...the more I hated God.

If I feel super mad at God, I'll go into Wiccan and Satanist sites and chat rooms.

I am sooooo confused about God and stuff...and I still feel so much anger at him.

but know that God is on your side.

You can start by praying. Heres my prayer for you I thank you God for your loving grace. I Thank You for sending us your son to save me. I am sorry for turning away from you, and I repent of the sins that I have commented agaist you after I became save through the blood of Jesus Christ. Lord please come into my heart and be the Lord of my life, come Jesus, come. Jesus I ask you to give me strength through the Holy Spirit. In Jesus name we pray. AMEN

Try to find other Christians to support you. It is nice to have a comfortable church to go to. If you know of someone in your family that is a Christian that person might be the one that can help you in your walk.

God Bless you!!!

 

[skylark1]

Hi Bams,

I just finished reading the following devotional, then opened your thread. I thought that it might help.

Some other people mentioned the importance of finding a group of believers to fellowship with. I believe that this is so important. Just as an eye or a hand needs the rest of the body, a Christian needs the body of Christ for learning, growing, and supporting one another. God bless!

[font=Times New Roman, New York,Serif][size=+2]Out of the Wreck I Rise[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?[/font][font=Arial,Verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=-1] —Romans 8:35[/size][/font]

​

God does not keep His child immune from trouble; He promises, "I will be with him in trouble . . ." ( Psalm 91:15 ). It doesn’t matter how real or intense the adversities may be; nothing can ever separate him from his relationship to God. "In all these things we are more than conquerors . . ." ( Romans 8:37 ). Paul was not referring here to imaginary things, but to things that are dangerously real. And he said we are "super-victors" in the midst of them, not because of our own ingenuity, nor because of our courage, but because none of them affects our essential relationship with God in Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for the Christian who doesn’t have something in the circumstances of his life that he wishes were not there.

"Shall tribulation . . . ?" Tribulation is never a grand, highly welcomed event; but whatever it may be— whether exhausting, irritating, or simply causing some weakness— it is not able to "separate us from the love of Christ." Never allow tribulations or the "cares of this world" to separate you from remembering that God loves you ( Matthew 13:22 ).

"Shall . . . distress . . . ?" Can God’s love continue to hold fast, even when everyone and everything around us seems to be saying that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

"Shall . . . famine . . . ?" Can we not only believe in the love of God but also be "more than conquerors," even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him. Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him. Only one thing can account for it— the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time.

http://www.rbc.org/utmost/today/


​

 

[heron]

It's hard for a kid to justify their parents' actions. Kids can sense that something is wrong, or maybe don't, but in words they are usually told that they are the wrong ones. Parents can do illegal things to their children, things they could never get away with in public. As an adult, you're probably hearing flowery messages about loving your parents and respecting them. In certain aspects, you probably do.

I get upset over Christian teachers who impose suburban family strategies that are not realistic in most homes. These are teachings that pertain to a particular subculture. I find comfort in the oddest place--in Proverbs and the laws of Moses, where they get down to the nitty gritty of how people should treat each other. Skim over Leviticus 18, and here you'll see that someone does care about your defense, even though the laws were ancient, with tough consequences.

What was done to you was not right.

I know that your question was about decisions you're making, but your past had so much impact on what you would trust today.

 

[wayfaring man]

I am not sure why I am posting this in the non-Christian section. Maybe it is because I don't feel like a 'Christian' most of the time. I often wonder if I am the only one that feels the way I feel, thinks the way I think, or do the things I do. I've been saved...when I was 14. So I guess that makes me a 'Christian'. I meant the prayer at the time and actually became 'on fire' for a few months.

Greetings Bams , and all ,


Accepting Christ is the beginning of Salvation , not the end of our need thereof .

Christian - means Christ-like ; by Christ being in us , by faith , we have the ability to be Christian , this does not mean we instantly fulfill that Honorable Calling .

It was strange to me. I was living in a house were Wicca and Satanism was being praticed. I didn't understand Christianity or this 'God' but I felt a sort of peace that I had never felt before. I would write Bible verses on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and it would make my mother sooooo mad at me and I would get a beating for it. But I didn't stop...not for a while anyways.

This was a mistake , we cannot force what is meant to be thankfully and graciously received upon anyone .

I felt the 'evil' in the house and began to hear things and see things at night. I know I sound crazy...but I felt and saw the spiritual battle that was happening in the house....i think I did anyways. After a few months of having this new 'protector' over me and not being protected against my parents...the beatings and the sex....I got sooo mad at God. I started to hate him. Not only did he not protect me when I was little...but now when I have asked him to and accepted him and was trying to live like he wanted...he still was not protecting me.

God's ultimate protection dominates our life as it is submitted in obedience to Christ . When wickedness can still reach us , it indicates that we have need of greater / further submission to Jesus .

I started to get into my parent's Satanism more and more...and the more I did...the more I hated God.

This was a major error . One I've made myself in the past . ( Not that my parents were Satanists ) , but I , through blaming God for the " evils " which being separated from Him , allowed ; thought I would try the Devil instead of God .

Well , as anyone can tell , this only made things worse , in a major way . And I became suicidal , because life without God and Jesus , is no life at all !

But yet , behold , by The Mercy of Jesus , and The Grace of God , I live , and my past experiences are now being used for good , in that , I now , by The Spirit given me in Christ , betray the devices of Satan , which he onced used to deceive me , so others may be wary , and not fall into his traps , and even find the Way to escape his stranglehold , when God permits .

Anyways...I've probably said too much...I know people reading this is like all bored now.

Not so !

So now...I am sooooo confused about God and stuff...and I still feel so much anger at him. I sorta understand now that the past wasn't really his fault...but sometimes I just hate him for it. I don't know...it is so hard to explain.

Go back to The Cross of Christ , and The Blood of Jesus . That's where Salvation begins , and that's what makes it possible to continue . Satan would try to distract us from the Source and the Foundation of our faith , so that the power of God , isn't consistently ready to be drawn upon , so that he might have an advantage over us .

People throw Scripture at me...and I do really try to read it and understand it...but most of it is like another language to me. I get so frustrated that I can't understand it....and it makes me upset...just reading it. Makes me panicky inside and makes me want to cut. (been a cutter for about 8 years now). It makes me shake all over and gives me a huge headache. I really do try to let God closer to me. And sometimes I get let him pretty close...then I get scared again and go off running.

Know this , that our vulnerabilities and our fears are meant to send us running to God , not from Him ... but as mentioned above , we can only approach God , in the Light of Christ's Atoning Sacrifice ; therefore when you start to feel panic brewing retreat in your mind to the place where Jesus died on the Cross for the sins of all humanity , your own included .

If I feel super mad at God, I'll go into Wiccan and Satanist sites and chat rooms. I know I shouldn't and y'all are probably gonna scream at me...but it's what I know and I know God hates it...so sometimes I just want to hurt God...

This is the spirit of spitefulness , and it cycles off of the blindness of unenlightenment . Consider now , if God can forgive us for all the spiteful , ungodly things which we have done , isn't it only fitting that we should not be spiteful towards Him for allowing this trial wherein we often struggle and suffer ? And hasn't He promised an end to all affliction ? But Satan trying to pose and act as if he were God , has together with human gullibility ( state of being easily fooled ) has turned us aside from the ideal existence , where life is light and easy , and people are meek and mild . Yet , God in His Great Mercy has made a Way for us to return to His Paradise through Christ , His Blood Atonement and The Outpouring of His Holy Spirit . So , if we are going to be justly angry for the mess which all of humanity has fallen into , we would be angry with Satan , and with our own ignorance . But being angry itself does us little good , unless our anger is motivation for positive acts . Like submitting to God , studying His Word thoroughly , and telling the Devil we're done listening to his deceptions and delusions , by expressing the Truth of God as it is Revealed in The Life , Death , and Resurrection of Jesus Christ .

So...I am not really sure what my question is. It's late and I am super tired and probably not making any sense....don't wanna take up anymore space on here.....

Yes , it is late , and you should be tired , with all that you've been through . But this is not a waste of space , especially since The Lord Jesus has already touched your life , so that you know first hand , how things can be so much better in Him , than they are , on our own , with devilishness trying to enchain and prevent us , from finding our Peace with God .

Dear Lord Jesus , who suffered bled and died so that we may be delivered from the wretchedness of a miserable , sin filled , captive existence ; let your Mercy , Truth , and Grace be received in us , who are beaten down and oppressed by wickedness , for we look to , and call upon you Lord Jesus , for our Salvation and Redemption , asking that You will break the bonds which threaten to choke the life out of us , so that we may be able to rejoice and walk in The Light , as You are in The Light , and be ever thankful and grateful , your humble servants who know in themselves that we can trust in You ! And Lord I ask in Your Name , that you would manifest your Great Salvation once again in the life of Bams , and rebuke with the Power of Your Mighty Hand all those who would unjustly oppress and harm her soul , which soul , You have created for Fellowship with You . So that , she may walk in the newness of life which testifies Your Resurrection , and Your Glorious Triumph over death , and all the power the devil . To The Glory of God . Amen .

Sincerely ,

wayfaring man

 

[serafaith]

Great post Wayfaring man...thanks. Blessings...

 

[wayfaring man]

You're most welcome .

Thanks be to God !

 

[serafaith]

 

[Godsgirl481]

TRhank you for all your replies. I can't get to them all right now since I gotta leave for my second job in 30 mins...but I will reply when I get home tonight...

 

[TheTruthinFiction]

Probably


I don't cut anymore...it's been almost 2 years...but I still have urges to so I still consider myself a cutter. When I was doing it...it had absoultly nothing to do with getting attention. I have been hurting myself since I was little. Hitting my head really hard over and over on the wall when I was like 7....pressing the palms of my hands until i couldn't see and so on. Manifested into cutting when I was 17. Not a soul on this planet knew about it for the first 4 years or so. It was hidden and done in private...as a way of release the anger and pain I felt...and punishing myself.




I say practice because I don't really know what it was. She'd sit on the floor and chant, and swewar that she had come out of her body and was floating on the celing. She's wear chrystals and 'do spells' on me and other people. Probably wasn't real...but she said this was my punishiment for being bad. She'd tell me that God hated me and would never love me. Then as she was doing all this stuff, she was declaring that she loved God too and was like this perfect 'Christian' whatever that is. It probably wasn't real...I don't know what it was...

Bams,
I'm going to sound like I'm preaching at you except it's not from the Bible. After reading this reply, your problem shows that this is more with yourself than anyone. You probably had parents who told you this or that was not good enough. It's easy to blame the parents but there comes a time where we have to put it behind us and move on. You talk about hurting yourself in both the original post and this reply, which shows a lack of self-worth and I understand that you don't agree but hurting yourself is a scream for attention.

From what you say in this post about your mom putting spells on you to punish you, it shows that there is a possibility that your mom needed to control you and felt the, "dark side" was the way to do it. Now the things you are talking about, squeezing palms, cutting, etc. are classic examples of trying to take that control back. It goes into the programmed thought that parents will back off if they know their child is hurt but that is not always the case. You are going to need to put what your mom done to you behind you or no matter how much you pray it will always come back.

Up until your post, I hadn't felt that I could help most of the other posts on here because I haven't studied the Bible as much as others but with your situation, I know I can help. I've been there, a different type of abuse, extreme physical. I wouldn't offer you this advice if I didn't think it would help. The house I grew up in had holes throughout the walls where I would slam my head through the drywall. You will have to forgive your mom. If you just now felt stubborness when you read that it shows even more so. Forgive her, tell yourself you are worth more than this. My biggest concern is that when you have children, you will either be way too easy with them or continue what your mom did. All cycles have two directions they can go in, reverse, which would be too easy, or forward, which would be to act like your mom did. Both are vicious cycles that can be broke by forgiving the person who started the cycle with you.

Most people won't agree with me but that is okay. There are so many theories on how to fix problems within yourself but very few work. You just have to do it. Hope this helps.

 

[kwanseemun]

aw wow, Bams, you've sure been through a lot! If I was with you right now I'd give you a great big hug! Well I don't really know what to say to this, since I've never even close to been in a situation like this! But the thing I can say is that God is always with you and that He still loves you after all of this. I understand that you've been through a tremendous amoung of pain and of course I don't blame you for being angry with yourself and others. I know a great deal of people who have become angry with God for what has been happening in their life. I think you just really need to forgive your parents and try to forget about your past (I know this is really really hard, but it's not impossible!) and try to come back to God. Remember that amazing peace that you felt when you first became a Christian? Wouldn't it be great to feel that again, all of the time? Just remember that He's always there for you, and try to find Him again, although I'm sure it is complicated and you have many questions by now. Also, try to find a good Christian group that will support you while you go through this - it can help a lot! I'll be praying for you!

 

[ALIgator]

Hi Bams, First of all I just want you to know that I'll be keeping you in my prayers! It sounds like you've been having a very difficult life and I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. I want to respond to what you said about hurting yourself. You said that you did it as a way of punishing yourself. You don't need to punish yourself!! We all deserve severe punishment for our sins, but remember that Jesus took your punishment away when he died on the cross. It is not your job to hurt yourself when you're feeling this way, instead be glad the Jesus took care of it for you. He thinks you're worth a lot more than you'll ever know, and I'm sure he doesn't want you to be hurting yourself. I don't know you, but I'm pretty sure you don't hate God. I understand why you could feel angry at Him, but I think you also realize that this isn't His fault. Good luck trying to get this all figured out, and I hope I helped, at least I hope it helps you to know people are praying for you if nothing else.

 

[Godsgirl481]

Wow...I got a lot to reply to. I will try to reply to as much as I can without falling alseep...since it is almost 12:30 am.

After reading this reply, your problem shows that this is more with yourself than anyone. You probably had parents who told you this or that was not good enough.

Yes, this is probably half the reason I am having problems. It wasn't just that I wasn't 'good enough'. It was much worse and more extreme than that. Lets see if I can explain in as few words as possible...and I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining...I'm just trying to explain is all. I don't ever remember liking myself....ever. I don't remember a lot when I was really little...but I remember when I was around 8 or so...I remember being really clumbsey. I know the reason now...I was born with cataracts which effected my vision. When I went to go pick up a glass or something...I would miss it by like a quarter of an inch and knock it over instead. My dad would get so mad at me and call me klutz and stuff. And if once I remember once when I was 9...I was trying to spell words with my dad...and I couldn't get this one word right...and he got mad and threw the spelling book at me and refused to help me anymore because I was too stupid to get it.

Things got really bad as I got older. Dad left mom and my step dad moved in. He hated me soooo much and made that apparent every day. They would make fun of me...like when I was hitting puberty and started to gain a little weight...he CONSTANTLY told me how big I was and nick named me heffer and would say 'waddle waddle waddle' when I walked down the hall. I was always a small kid...and I wasn't really fat...just gaining weight in different areas. I was 14...and he made me feel soooo bad about how I looked that I started starving myself and making myself throw up when I actually ate. He helped me not eat...cause everytime he saw me eatting...he'd make crude comments about me. Mom said I was too fat and would make me drink a 8 oz glass of pure vingar every morning and night cause she said it 'ate the fat'.

They were very physical. If I didn't clean the glasstop stove good enough...he's grab a handful of hair in the back of my head and push my face really really hard into the stove so I could see what I missed. If I didn't clean the bathroom floor good enough, he'd pee on the floor and make me kneel in it to clean it with a sponge. My punsihment for not doing it good enough the first time.

Mom hated me so much and always told me that. She's actually say to me 'I hate you and wish you were dead'. I was always in the way...never could say anything. They lived by the old rule 'children are to be seen and not heard'. They NEVER touched me in any good way at all...and if I tried to hug them (especially my mom) she would pull away. If I told mom I loved her, she would say that I didn't know what love is. She got mad at me and would punish me if I could do something she couldn't (like fix her computer). One thing about my mom...she was abused too...obviously. But we don't speak. I can't. She says such bad things to me...and I can't handle it. She has pushed me to the edge sooo many times....I just can't do it anymore. I really really really want a mom....and it hurts soooooo bad that mine hates me so much.

You talk about hurting yourself in both the original post and this reply, which shows a lack of self-worth and I understand that you don't agree but hurting yourself is a scream for attention.

I have no self-worth at all...zero. I hate mysekf more than anyone ever could and I have not a clue how to change that.

I'm sure cutting started out as a cry for attention...and probably still was throughout the years...but it became much much more than that for me...it was my soul means of emotional release. Any extreme emotion I felt was expressed by cutting. I have not cut in almost 2 years now...but it is proving to be the HARDEST battle I have ever fought in my entire life. I have such strong urges...and they are soo hard to fight off.

From what you say in this post about your mom putting spells on you to punish you, it shows that there is a possibility that your mom needed to control you and felt the, "dark side" was the way to do it. Now the things you are talking about, squeezing palms, cutting, etc. are classic examples of trying to take that control back. It goes into the programmed thought that parents will back off if they know their child is hurt but that is not always the case. You are going to need to put what your mom done to you behind you or no matter how much you pray it will always come back.

I am sure she wanted to control me and everything else around her. She was 'God' and made us know that. Even when me and my brother were little...we feared her. I too am a control freak...I think I get that from her. Takes a lot for me to just admit I can't control somethings and just let it go.

My biggest concern is that when you have children, you will either be way too easy with them or continue what your mom did. All cycles have two directions they can go in, reverse, which would be too easy, or forward, which would be to act like your mom did. Both are vicious cycles that can be broke by forgiving the person who started the cycle with you.

This is why I don't have children. Well this is not the only reason...the doctor says I can't have kids. But if I did...I would fall into the abuser side. I love kids to death...and I have a lot of patients...especially with the newborns...but I see myself getting angry A LOT. I have never hit a child...but when I get that mad...I see fire...red...and my head spins. I complelty explode and have no clue what I am doing or saying. I can't think and don;t really remember everything I did or said when it is over. This has happened sooo much at my first job...that I am not even sure why they still have me employed there. [/QUOTE]

aw wow, Bams, you've sure been through a lot! If I was with you right now I'd give you a great big hug!

Thank you...you are so sweet. s back.

This was a mistake , we cannot force what is meant to be thankfully and graciously received upon anyone .

I wasn't doing it for her...I was doing it for me. I wrote Bible verses every where...on my fish tank...my windows...my bedroom mirror.

Anyways...it is like 1am now and I am soooo tired.