I wanted to share this if I may Colleen,
Withholding Affection - Is This a Form of Abuse?
By Rosy Anderson
Abuse in a relationship can be defined as mistreatment or misuse or abuse of the other person. But there is life threatening abuse that maims you physically and emotionally and then there are other less traumatizing forms of abuse that also change who you are in subtle ways. Looking at the various forms of abuse; is withholding affection a form of abuse? Withholding affection means that the person has affectionate feelings for you but either holds back or refuses to give you the affection they feel for you. Is this a form of abuse?
1.
Is he affectionate towards other people? If he is withholding affection from you then the place to start is by investigating whether this happens only in relation to you alone or also includes other people. Does he withhold affection from the other women in his life like his sisters, girl friends, mum etc? What about the close men he is in relationship with? Observe your man carefully and how he relates to other people. He may just be unable to show affection to people and you may need to seek help with him to understand what has blocked his emotional flow and how he and you can work at unblocking it. If he is impaired in his ability to be practically affectionate towards you and others than he is not abusing you deliberately as he is simply emotionally blocked by his own fears or past experiences
2.
Is your definition of 'affection' the same as his? His withholding of affection may just be your perception as his definition of affection may be completely different from yours. When you say he is withholding affection from you; what exactly do you mean? What actions do you want him to do so that you can feel loved? Define for yourself what you want him to do or say so that you can feel his affection for you. Remember that he was socialized differently from you, he is a guy and his personality is different from yours. So let him know in clear and simple terms what it is that you would like him to do differently. If his definition of affection is different from yours then it's a case of miscommunication and not of abuse.
3.
Does he think that he no longer needs to be affectionate towards you since he has captured you (so to speak)? Once a man has won you over then he may feel that the chase is over and so the need for 'extra' effort becomes no longer necessary in his opinion. Does this describe your man? Has your man changed since he married you or moved in with you? Has he left all his affectionate deeds and words to the period when he was still dating you? Then you and he may need to have a talk so that you can bridge the gap between both of your expectations. If this is your situation then he is not abusing you as your problem is a mismatch of expectations that you can both work on.
4.
Is he neglecting you?As he withholds his affection; is he also neglecting you? A man who is withholding his affection and himself from you is abusing you in the sense that he treating you less than you deserve. If his affections have moved away from you and he is also neglecting you then you need to re-evaluate your relationship as this is an indication that there is something terribly wrong in your relationship. Find out if his affection has moved away from you to another woman? Find out where his affections have moved to and make a decision on the way forward. If you continue in this relationship as it is then your self esteem will degenerate and you will feel emotionally abused. In this case he is withholding his affection and he is clearly abusing you by doing this.
5.
Is he manipulating you? A man may withhold his affection as a way to get you to do what he wants. This is a clear form of abuse as he controls you by withholding his affection when you do or say something that he doesn't like. And then he rewards you with affection when you do what he wants. You don't feel loved; instead you feel used and manipulated. It's almost like his love for you is conditional; he only loves you when you act in the way that he wants. He wants to be the standard for what is right and wrong for you, what is acceptable and non acceptable behavior for you etc. This is a manipulative abusive relationship where your man is trying to take away your power by withholding his affections from you.
Abuse can be obvious in situations where he is emotionally or physically abusive but it can be less obvious when he withholds his emotions from you and thus emotionally abandons you or manipulates you. If he is withholding affection from you then I hope you now understand why he is doing so and what you can do to bring that bad behavior to an end.
If his emotional manipulation has you in a state of confusion then get these
signs of a man's love so that you can know what he really feels about you but if your last few boyfriends have all been manipulative or abusive then get this
communication guide to help you understand the signals that you are sending out and how you can change them.
Article Source:
http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Rosy_Anderson
Moriah Ruth
Thank you for being so validating. You know, I made the mistake of trying to talk to someone that same day stuff was going on and I know she's not so...aware...of social issues but ....I talked to her in general terms any way. It was so invalidating, I felt worse after. You know, like Job's friends. She has positive points of course but some people are more gifted / understanding with certain things. Any way, I just hate that feeling of feeling hurt then on top of it guilted / invalidated / shamed / dismissed. ...UGH!!! ick ... 
Any way, I'm feeling better now that I've talked about it with people who understand and now that I've had some good time to myself to process some of it.
Speaking of which, I'm going to go and have a nice hot soak...and be good to myself. 
