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Featured Unhappy Marriage

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Salvadore, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. Salvadore

    Salvadore New Member

    71
    +46
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    I was unhappily married for 28 years. I finally divorced my husband in December. He refuses to leave the house. It took over a year to get divorced because he would not work with me. Now he is fighting me every step of the way. My husband was mean when I married him, but I wanted a baby before I was too old and thought it would work out. I made a terrible mistake. He has a terrible temper. He yells at me if there is not a hand towel available when he needs one. I have stayed to please God. I have not committed adultery, but have met someone who is very kind to me. I have known him for a time as a good friend. My good friend wants to marry me.I feel that God would rather I just stay with my ex-husband in a roommate situation. I am unhappy, but my ex-husband does not want me to leave. My son is 27 but a very young 27 with a learning disability. I have asked God for clarity, but He has not answered. I look forward to death. We quit going on vacation together years ago because his temper made it impossible to have fun. He raised his fists to me because I could not read directions, causing us to get lost. I want to put God first. Right now, I welcome death. Any advice? We are both Christians. The church we attend is so strict. Of course he is being supported by the church members. They do not seem to see women as equals. Counseling didn't help because this has gone on so long I have no feelings left. My option now is to sell the house (my son and I were supposed to have it for 2 years) or have my husband evicted. I am sure I could stay in this situation. Look how long I have so far. I feel very confused about what to do. I believe I could have a much better life with my friend, but don't want to displease God. I take this very seriously.
     
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  2. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +3,405
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Wondering - why God would want you to stay in a roommate situation yet considering eviction? Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

    My advice is to get over the relationship before getting into another one .
     
  3. ReesePiece23

    ReesePiece23 The Peanut Buttery Member.

    +3,014
    Christian
    You don't want to displease God? Okay, well, my advice is to get as far away from this man as possible and start living for yourself!!!

    What do you think God is? A prison guard? Go on, get out of there and don't look back.
     
  4. Salvadore

    Salvadore New Member

    71
    +46
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    I was supposed to have the house for two years. He will not leave so I have to either sell the house, evict him or resign myself to stay. I do not want to evict him. I think that would be mean. I could stay with him as a roommate and live out my life miserable. Many people live miserable lives when they want to obey.
     
  5. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

    +23,442
    Anglican
    Married
    A standard eviction might take time because the law recognizes certain rights of tenants who haven't paid the rent, etc. But a divorce court has already decreed the division of assets in your case, so if he stays in the house that would seem to violate the court's order. Consequently, that court might still have jurisdiction and could simply order him out.

    As far as being nice is concerned, and about God's will for you, it seems to me that you crossed that bridge with the divorce. Letting him stay now would hardly be adding to that and if you decide to let him stay, you might as well not have divorced.
     
  6. Euodius

    Euodius Are you kitten me right meow? Supporter

    318
    +262
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    I understand that that's a very difficult place to be in and I understand the confusion that comes with situations like that. So, first I would like to praise you for taking this seriously and desiring to please God. Take this slowly for both you and you're kind friend's sake and take it prayerfully. I would advice a year to get proper boundaries with your ex and for you to recover. Pray about this morning and evening and pray that God's will be done. I will pray for you too.

    I cannot judge you or your situation, but I see some points in your post that maybe I could give some advice on. I can't tell you what to do.

    The words, "He raised his fists," "I look forward to death." and "I welcome death." are all very worrisome to me. These words remind me of my dearest friend who is also recently divorced. And these words tell me that the situation you are in is... of an extreme nature, maybe more extreme than you yourself recognize.

    And I'm sure you could continue to weather the situation - you are a woman and women are often resilient and longsuffering - but, again, your language about inviting death shows a clear conflict in your conscience about the marriage you were in - the marriage placed you against your conscience in a double bind - And that you being with him was spiritually harmful to you.

    In the ancient Christian Tradition, there is potentially reason for a merciful allowance of remarriage. The two easy reasons is death of a spouse and adultery (for the innocent party.) However, there are cases where a sin of a spouse is of a greatness equivalent to adultery, such as if the spouse is substantially dangerous to the wife or child. I want to be careful to phrase this correctly, but there are scenarios where a spouse is so bad that it's worse than if that spouse were dead. In these cases, there is room for merciful allowance.

    You have a disabled child/young-man to take care of. This is another reason for mercy to be applied to your case because of this cross you carry.

    Your ex doesn't seem like he cares to be reconciled to you. It does not seem like there is much motivation for him to repent of his anger and controlling behavior. The behavior of the church is worrisome in regard to this as it does not promote reconciliation. His unwillingness to leave the house is not of a good spirit. He is acting in a way that makes it seem like for him it is a power relationship and not a love relationship.

    I also advise keeping that kind friend close to you and finding a reliable third party to help you discern.

    God bless you.
     
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  7. Euodius

    Euodius Are you kitten me right meow? Supporter

    318
    +262
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    In Relationship
    I think he is being mean.
     
  8. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

    +6,106
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    He is angry because he does not feel in control of his future. If you help him plot a course, he will be thankful.

    ChooseFI | Join the Financial Independence Movement
     
  9. Daniel Marsh

    Daniel Marsh Well-Known Member

    +1,376
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Go to a Woman's Shelter for advice and have him evicted because He is affecting your mental health to the point of being a danger to yourself.

    And, change Churches. If you live in the US call 211 too.
     
  10. Daniel Marsh

    Daniel Marsh Well-Known Member

    +1,376
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Also, call your lawyer for advice.
     
  11. Salvadore

    Salvadore New Member

    71
    +46
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    Miamited, I believe a Christian can have a temper and I also believe a Christian can get weary of being verbally abused. I think you find it unchristian of me to have divorced my husband. I endured verbal abuse (and still do) from my mother. For the last 10 years I have taken her to do errands each week because she can no longer drive. The last 2 weeks she has screamed so much at me that I told her I would come by, pick up her list and deliver her items. I can no longer tolerate her behavior but I will not leave her to starve because I love her. I am fairly certain that my mother has an undiagnosed mental illness but she refuses treatment. My sister lives 2 minutes from her but helps infrequently because she is protecting herself. My brother is 4 hours away. I suppose I am trying to find peace. It takes me several days to get over these episodes at home and with my mom. My husband has been trying to be nicer. I have lost all feeling for him over the years. I guess I have become hard-hearted as it relates to my husband and mother. I would not let either starve but I am miserable around them.
     
  12. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

    +5,473
    Christian
    Single
    This is so sad, and I never can think of an easy answer in a case like this.

    So, this is just to say, I'm so sorry, and though I think I understand Gods rules in this area, this is one of the few times, I don't think they are fair, so I continue looking for something to refute them, the misunderstanding or whatever.

    What do you mean you were to have the house for 2 years?
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2020
  13. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +5,222
    Christian
    Married
    I believe that your resolve and decision regarding your mother is excellent. You've staked your claim to peace ... and have excised some of the oppression you have faced from your life.

    You need to continue along the same path with your husband. You are in the process of reclaiming your life. I would suggest, that whatever you can bring yourself to do regarding your husband at present, ... that you reposition your direction in life towards your own fulfillment, rather than that of your husband.

    Find something in this life ... which brings you fulfillment ... and joy. For some people that is time spent with friends, for others, it might be a fulfilling hobby, ... or volunteering for a noble cause, etc. Find something that is yours, and yours alone ... and commit yourself to its pursuit. Let nothing dissuade you from finding some degree of fulfillment in your life.

    This will serve, in part, to strengthen you ... as you contemplate what course to take with your husband. It is best that you proceed in that vein from a position of strength ... so as to make the best decision for yourself.

    A bit of testimonial here. I have always been able to do what I recommend above in my adult life, until the most recent past. I have a variety of interests, and I really didn't let anything deter me from indulging my interests. Even so, I didn't recognize the connection between such an attitude ... and my personal life resolve.

    About five years ago, my wife and I began to weather trouble due to a irresponsible adult child. Effectively, we committed ourselves to rescuing him from a life fraught with the destruction wrought by his own destructive life decisions. Unfortunately, in this pursuit, we almost lost ourselves. As our child took more and more of our resource and attention ... there was not enough left for us ... and we began to despair. Consequently, we lost the will to find any fulfillment in anything that was uplifting to ourselves, to a large degree.

    The only thing that we held on to (other than each other), ... was the Lord and His people. Ultimately, through much prayer (of ourselves and others), we recognized that we needed to rise up out of the weakness that our lives had become ... and begin to build ourselves back up ... so that we could, most effectively, deal with our son. It has taken years, but we are beginning to find ourselves again ... and consequently, we are operating from a relative position of strength regarding our son now.

    But to get there ... we have had to effectively reject any degree of control our son was exerting on our lives. We have had to accept the truth that only our son ... is responsible for his life. If he makes poor decisions, HE must face the consequences of those decisions, not us. Reaching this point ... has rescued us from our previous decline ... and we are beginning to find God's joy for our lives again.

    You seem to be on this path. You are making good decisions about your life, ... even if you are struggling a bit in implementation. Keep building yourself up, keep praying, keep trusting in the Lord to bring you your peace ... and you will ultimately find the strength to do what you must do in regard to your husband.

    Be blessed ... I will be praying for you ...

    Chuck
     
  14. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,022
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Divorce is not sanctioned by God. You are married for life. You can separate but you are still married. Remarriage is adultery.
     
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  15. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +5,222
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    Wonderful ...
     
  16. Glorytothefather2245

    Glorytothefather2245 New Member Supporter

    59
    +102
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    You cannot get remarried with somone just because your husband has abusive behavior. The only way remarriage is possible is by death, cheating on you, or he is an unbeliever and dont want nothing to do with you no more. You can separate but not get remarried. You are in a covenant with him. Pray on this and get legal help you dont need that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  17. Bible Highlighter

    Bible Highlighter Law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul. Supporter

    +5,736
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    @Salvadore

    I am sorry to hear about the challenge that you are facing.
    While I wouldn't have recommended divorce, I would have suggested you to move far away from your husband so that he would not harm you. Your mental state is important so as to worship God and love others properly. Seeing the damage is done in the fact that you have divorced your husband, and you still love him and your mother, there has to be a way you can talk to a lawyer so as to provide for them without you seeing them in person. Perhaps you can sell the house and give an allotment of money to your ex husband. But I would confess of your sin of divorce to the Lord Jesus Christ (seeing it is a grave sin to the Lord). I would also ask the Lord Jesus to take away this harmful situation from you. Never stop praying about this, until the Lord answers.

    Jesus says we are to love, pray, and do good towards our enemies. Right now your ex husband appears to be more like an enemy and not a child of God. For children of God are to love their brother (or sister). 1 John 3:15 says, "Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." So we have to love all people; Especially the brethren. This does not mean we have to allow believers, or our enemies to walk all over us, and neither does it mean we have to cut them off completely from our striving to love them. You can love people from afar. I have a family member who is bad news. He keeps trying to call and talk to me. But I do not want to have anything to do with him because he has stolen from his own father, and he cusses like a sailor, and he thinks of women as disposable pleasures. Well, at least that is the last I have known of him. Perhaps he has changed today. I don't know. My point is: I will not let my family member ruin my marriage or my life. I will not associate with anyone who is acting in darkness or sin to such a wrong extreme whereby it can be harmful to me and my loved ones. If a family member sins, but it does not lead me to be horribly effected (unlike an abusive angry person or a person who can steal from me, etc.), that is one thing, and I can be a witness to them and tell them continually of Jesus and His love. But if a family member seeks to harm me (either mentally or physically), or they seek to be damaging to me, the best course of action is to stay away and to be more effective for God's kingdom with believers that lift you up and love you and help you to follow Jesus.

    I would not stop loving your ex husband and your mother, but do it from afar. Do not be around their toxic nature that can bring down your soul and destroy you. You need to be set free from such toxic people, but you must never forget to love them each day from a long distance away. They should not know where you live if you decide to move away from them. There are many ways you can love your enemies without being in their face personally. You can pray, do good, and love them from far away. Focus on serving the Lord, and make Him the #1 of your life and be free from the toxic relationships that are dragging you down. You need peace when worshiping the Lord, and this is more conducive when we are on our own in a peaceful place (if it all possible according to God's will for our life).

    I would also highly recommend not to marry this other guy, either. Romans 7:3 says this:

    "So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man." (Romans 7:3).​

    Meaning, you cannot remarry unless your previous spouse is dead otherwise you will be called an adulteress (according to God's Word).

    Anyways, getting back to the heart of the matter: You can love your enemies by emailing them (or sending a letter to them via by the lawyer's office) that you love and care for them in Christ Jesus and by giving them a small gift. But do not let your enemies control your life or to enter your home. The Bible says the enemy seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. The devil is the enemy and he can work through even people who profess to be of the faith. They are not real Christians if they hate, and or do not love in the way that your ex husband is acting. But that does not mean we should not love them. Just do it from far away. Do not let him or your mother know where you live if you move away from them. Selling the house can lead to having some profit and some of these profits can go to helping your ex husband and mother. But you should be smart with your money so that you can survive, too. The Bible says love your neighbor as yourself. This means that you put your oxygen mask on first so that you can help others. We have to care for their soul, and love them in the way we wanted to be treated and loved. If we treated someone badly, we should not expect people to keep hanging around us if we were to do that to them. Send your ex husband tracts to accept Jesus or to rededicate His life to Jesus again. Write him letters of how you are commanded to love your enemies, and you desire the best for their life, but you do not want to do that up close and in person anymore. Tell them you want to love them from far away unless they repent and accept Jesus for real.

    Here is a tract that you may want to give to your ex husband:
    Chick.com: This Was Your Life

    Perhaps he has fallen away from walking with the Lord, or maybe he never truly met Him and he is just pretending. In either case, my advice is to run far away from him, and yet, love him with the love that Christ had. Love your enemies. Jesus commanded that of us. But do not be a doormat, either. Scripture says we are also to be as innocent as doves, and as wise as serpents, too. Do not be unwise and let your ex husband destroy your life in following Christ.

    I hope that what I said here helps;
    Please stay strong in the Lord Jesus Christ and the power of His might always.

    With loving kindness to you in Christ,

    Sincerely,

    ~J.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  18. Daniel Marsh

    Daniel Marsh Well-Known Member

    +1,376
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    If you think she is a danger to herself or others contact the Police. They can temporary have her Hospitalized for evaluation. I had to do that with one of my Uncles.

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  19. Salvadore

    Salvadore New Member

    71
    +46
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    This is probably off topic, but don't mentally ill people know they are being hateful?
     
  20. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +5,222
    Christian
    Married
    Not necessarily ...
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
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