Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
I think a lady can make sure with God, about who she marries. So, in case a woman just goes her own way to decide she marries a wrong guy . . . this is not wonderful. If a woman is very charming and nice acting, but she fools herself into marrying a truly wrong guy . . . this is not wonderful. And it is possible she is also fooling herself in other ways, hurting herself and not really relating in the way which would be good for her. It is wise to make sure with God about if we marry someone. Because we have the ability to fool ourselves; and it is good to get wise to our ways of fooling our own selves > only with God it is possible to see and get rid of any foolish ways which can take us the wrong way.
But . . . it is possible that you can find a guy to be . . . not right . . . but they can have deep connection and understanding in God's way of loving. Of course, you can be right
In my case . . . in case God has blessed me with my lady companion > she can be miraculously opposite to me > doesn't like what I eat, on we could go. But she is my example of how to love and care kindly and tenderly so I am not conceited and critical like I can be. This outweighs how much we want the same things or not. And at times she may criticize herself about what society would criticize, but I stand up for her . . . to her face . . . and point out how she has helped me find out how to love the way Jesus wants. And she at times stands up to me when I really am wrong, and does not get into an argument. She can stay out of letting me control her, plus give arguing the slip
So, possibly . . . see if someone is helping you to get more with God and helping you get real correction so you find out better how to love. And see if you are good for the person, like this.
And maybe consider > you can find this out in real life . . . which might not be while dating which can be contrived and preplanned and canned.
I trusted God that I would share with someone in her real life. Here is where there can be loving: cleaning up the dog poop, repainting the scraped car after a bumper rubber, throwing out the food that has gotten too old. And feed on prayer and God's word together so this feeds you for the practical and needed things to do.
This is God's word >
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)
To me, Jesse, this means there is never any excuse for me to get bitter against my wife. This is a basic rule for God's way of loving. So, if-when anything in me even starts to turn me bitter, this is all I need to know > do not trust or go along with that feeling or thinking or way of reacting, but first pray and get into God's peace and enjoy how He makes me creative with her.
Instead of criticizing her, encourage her with the good God is able to do with us.
So . . . if this is how God will expect you to relate in marriage, now you can get ready to relate like this. With women you now know, you can learn how to refuse to give in to bitterness, and how to be creative, instead. But, of course, ones now might not be able to relate well with you while you obey God; but still keep being kind, not getting bitter. And this can strengthen you for a real lady in a much more involved relationship > where there can be many more items and details coming to tempt you to get bitter, but you are learning to submit to our Father so He creatively guides you what to do, how to keep loving.
On a date, some one thing might come up to trip you into bitterness; but in marriage various items might be biting, all at once. So, we need to become able to stay calm and creative and not let things have power over us to get us bitter > "I will not be brought under the power of any," our Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12.
Possibly, this could mean you are going mainly by how things look, and by talk.
You might take time to get to know someone so you know why she has a problem, and why she does whatever. And do this without isolating in dating, but share with ones you know are for real Christians. See which ladies do well with your for-real people.
But have compassion for ones who are not with it. Jesus has us loving and caring for any and all people . . . not only trying to pick and choose who we can use and try to control for what we want.
I agree we need to take care of ourselves, and have self-control of the Holy Spirit so we eat right and have control of sexual things. But if I do not have self-control for food and pleasure items, I likely also do not have self-control to stay out of arguing and getting hurt. So, I think you can expect a Christian person to grow in the self-control of the Holy Spirit, and this will effect if the person can manage well how he or she eats, stay out of arguing, and manage oneself to not get emotionally wasted in work and in handling problems. All this comes in the self-control of the Holy Spirit in God's peace. So, don't only be critical of yourself and others, but be encouraged to seek real correction of our character, with God, and encourage others, having compassion and hope for anyone.
If it is a fact that you are still having difficulty with bitterness, this is a weight issue, too . . . of the weight of sin. So, from our own failure we can feel for others in their sin problems >
"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)
And can you trust her about anything? I keep being concerned and puzzled to see and read and hear how certain people are married or close, but one does not dare talk with the other about a very important thing. One is afraid the other won't want him or her, won't love him or her, if they talk about something that is important. This means the person is with someone the person doesn't really trust. I personally, now, see that I would not even think of dating a woman I do not know well enough to trust her.
And see if she trusts me; if she doesn't, don't push her. I now find that part of loving is I do not demand and expect that someone trusts me. I do not intimidate them to trust me; but it seems there are ones with some sort of an entitlement attitude, so they expect me to trust them, without question, even, maybe.
But God's word says >
"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)
Our Father expects us to test . . . not to blindly trust. Therefore, in real loving, I think it is good to welcome each other to question and test each other. But we need to be honest in how we do this.
Good! So what's the problem????I very consistently attract nerdy women, which is my target demographic. I'm a wedding videographer, but I also like to make short films. So finding someone who is also interested in that field would be preferred. That is what makes things difficult.
I'm not opposed to dating someone who already has their own career or isn't very tech savvy, but those women aren't normally interested in a guy like me. It works out because I'm normally not interested in them either.
That's sad. I'm surprised they don't let you know. If you have rapport w/ these women before you ask them & start dating them, it seems strange they would just drop off the face of the earth. Do you sense anything going wrong before that happens?What bothers me more than anything is when I'm going out with someone, and they just drop off the face off the earth. I know that I'm not a perfect person, but if someone is going to lose interest I would genuinely like to know why. Everything was going well with the last girl I went out with, at least that's what I thought. Three dates later she was giving me positive feedback, and then...nothing.
TrueI should also mention that I don't really date for fun. I date because I'm looking for a wife. That should scare a lot of people away, and I understand that. But when a 20 year old attractive women has seemingly endless choices when it comes to men at that age, it doesn't make sense from their perspective to settle down so quickly.
Why is that a bad thing? Aren't you in your early 20s? Sounds like you just got to wait another 10 years (not that I'm saying you're ugly, but if you think the women are less picky at late 20s, or 30s, then it's just a waiting game for you if you're doing everything else right)Most of the weddings I film are couples in their early 30s or late 20s. The women that are marrying these men are almost always extremely attractive. The guys most of the time look like they've spent the last 10 years in their mothers basement. Out of shape, ugly, but nice men.
What's wrong w/ that?My hypothesis is that when these women were 20, because their options were endless, they could date whoever they wanted. But as time goes on, their options decrease. At the end, they're left with the guys at the bottom of the barrel who they would have never considered going out with 10 years ago. Because they want to start a family, they pick a guy who for all intensive purposes will never leave them.
Wowzers. Congratulations on your business, man. That's very impressive. Definitely have your life together!I'm in the unique position of owning a small business, where I can take off whenever I want. If I wanted to ride around in a corvette I could, but it's not a wise decision. I have been told by many people that I'm very good natured, in the sense that I can get along with just about anybody.
LOL that sounds like me. Plus then you feel like since you've gone to church religiously since you were 2 & read the Bible & pray & minister as best you can......& then see ungodly men & women date & marry & have children......you feel like 'if only I wasn't so dang religious.'The real kicker for me is that I feel like I'm being punished for making good decisions. The reason I work hard is so that I can have money to provide for a family. Except I don't have a family, so I have all this extra cash laying around that I end up spending on new cameras.
From what I hear, it sounds like no more advice is needed. You're getting dates. You're getting women interested. Just got to keep trying.I do ask these questions, but it's always the same answer "Don't worry, you'll meet someone".
Yes...I will meet someone, be it today, tomorrow, or 50 years from now I will meet someone. Whether or not they're the right someone is a completely different story.
Good! So what's the problem????
That's sad. I'm surprised they don't let you know. If you have rapport w/ these women before you ask them & start dating them, it seems strange they would just drop off the face of the earth. Do you sense anything going wrong before that happens?
True
Why is that a bad thing? Aren't you in your early 20s? Sounds like you just got to wait another 10 years (not that I'm saying you're ugly, but if you think the women are less picky at late 20s, or 30s, then it's just a waiting game for you if you're doing everything else right)
What's wrong w/ that?
It's better then my theories.
Wowzers. Congratulations on your business, man. That's very impressive. Definitely have your life together!
LOL that sounds like me. Plus then you feel like since you've gone to church religiously since you were 2 & read the Bible & pray & minister as best you can......& then see ungodly men & women date & marry & have children......you feel like 'if only I wasn't so dang religious.'
What do you mean by biological clock. It's probably just 'oh shoot, I'm in my late 20s/30s & still not married. Life's passing me by. I better get moving'?I believe it is wrong for a women to pick a man based on the winding down of their biological clock. Of course some women genuinely are looking for a serious relationship, but come on. Would you want someone to fall in love with you because they're running out of options?
From what I hear, it sounds like no more advice is needed. You're getting dates. You're getting women interested. Just got to keep trying.
The last woman that 'dropped off the face of the earth' after a few dates, or the last one you dated, tell them how you & her met, how your conversations went, how the dates went, what you think she was attracted to in you, what you were attracted to in her, basically, just tell them everything about it. And then ask them 'so where do you think I went wrong & how can I do better?' Don't talk in general w/ them. Give them specifics.
What do you mean by biological clock. It's probably just 'oh shoot, I'm in my late 20s/30s & still not married. Life's passing me by. I better get moving'?
What bothers me more than anything is when I'm going out with someone, and they just drop off the face off the earth. I know that I'm not a perfect person, but if someone is going to lose interest I would genuinely like to know why. Everything was going well with the last girl I went out with, at least that's what I thought. Three dates later she was giving me positive feedback, and then...nothing.
But when a 20 year old attractive women has seemingly endless choices when it comes to men at that age, it doesn't make sense from their perspective to settle down so quickly. The real issue comes into play when they turn 30.
My hypothesis is that when these women were 20, because their options were endless, they could date whoever they wanted. But as time goes on, their options decrease. At the end, they're left with the guys at the bottom of the barrel who they would have never considered going out with 10 years ago. Because they want to start a family, they pick a guy who for all intensive purposes will never leave them.
The real kicker for me is that I feel like I'm being punished for making good decisions. The reason I work hard is so that I can have money to provide for a family. Except I don't have a family, so I have all this extra cash laying around that I end up spending on new cameras.
I liked her on Tinder. Went back and forth asking about their family, and then we decided to meet for lunch. We talked about Star Wars, movies, typical nerdy stuff. So pretty good first date.
Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are “trapped” in unhealthy relationships. They’re also technically engaged to these women, so there’s still time to get off the bus, but I know they won’t.
The longest relationship I had lasted about a month. First girl who ever went out with me wanted things I could not give to her without compromising my faith. So I ended it. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I wasn’t about to let someone else suck me into a making an unwise decision.
I know that's an issue, I think of it too, but is it really the motivator people on here seem to think it is? You're not the first to suggest it's a big motivator. I just think it's more women maturing psychologically or feeling the clock of time in general ticking.After a certain age it becomes harder for women to have children without serious health problems. Women's fertility begins to sharply drop around ages 35 to 37.
If you want someone who conducts themselves accordingly you have pick along those lines. Are most nerdy women courteous or ladylike? Are the qualities well regarded in that group? The whole shtick of nerdiness is difference. Not fitting in. Courtesy is a traditional value.
I look for gentlemen. The behavioral standard complements my own. We get along and understand one another. Faith enhances his character. But he's still a gentleman through and through. Ghosting is discourteous. It shows no regard for the person's feelings. You need someone whose core is opposed to that behavior. No matter what.
I've never been on dating sites but I've been on forums with profiles. You're inundated with messages but I always respond. He took the time to write. There's some cut and paste of course. But who I am matters more. Ignoring correspondence is rude. I don't do it.
At the end of the day you're living with their character. The unsung qualities will have a bigger impact on your happiness than externals like nerdiness. Who are they behind it? That's what counts.
I used to mentor women and help them find suitors and improve their relationships. The last girl I worked with was 21. She settled with someone older. She was very attractive and got a lot of attention. He offered the stability she craved. Young girls tie the knot too.
You could be wrong. Most women don't place a primacy on appearance to the degree men do. They look for stability and maturity.
Given your work you're probably seeing a combination of Christian and secular couples. I've dated both. Attractive people rarely settle fast. They're more selective and less willing to compromise. Because the market rewards their beauty they have greater latitude. Opportunities are plentiful.
Everyone has a breaking point where they're tired of waiting. Or they mature and realize some quirks aren't as bad as they believed. There may be medical reasons why waiting isn't best. Each situation differs. You can't generalize.
Men of means rarely have issues attracting suitors. Which begs the question. Is the one you're seeking looking for you? Are nerdy women drawn to men like you? Do you have the look and personality they respond to?
~bella
My longest relationship was two years. Though this was at a time before I made several life decisions at the age of 23 (including, choosing Christianity) so I have a completely different outlook on relationships anyway in that I don't build them up particularly big in my head. When you've been there and done it all in a previous life, you understand that everything eventually becomes boring. So for me, life is a constant pursuit of finding NEW things. Since finding my faith, I don't handle boredom very well at all.
Faith for me is number one. Many see it as a restraint, but for me it ALLOWS me to flow and be creative in the way that I like. Even the bible has a way of shifting and taking on new meanings as *I* get older, wiser, and further into this thing that we call life.
Take it from me, getting 'a' girlfriend isn't worth it. Because it just so happened that the two years with her were the LEAST productive and/or inspiring years for me as an individual. I put all of my energy into that relationship and left nothing for myself. (That was an internal flaw though - and it was 100% on ME. The only thing she did was love me.)
You and the right woman (who could be any number of women, don't look for 'the one') will eventually meet halfway. It'll be when you're at just the right life stage, and when you have BOTH evolved spiritually to a level were it'll actually be of benefit for you (both of you) to be together. Like two legendary musicians collaborating together on the perfect song.
Until then though, enjoy yourself. And I can't stress that enough. Because if you're anything like I was, life will start to get really interesting for you after 25. Keep improving yourself, keep finding new passions, and make sure that each day is a day lived to the full.
When ALL of those things are followed through, then soon enough you'll be the person you need to be to meet *insert name*.
I know that's an issue, I think of it too, but is it really the motivator people on here seem to think it is? You're not the first to suggest it's a big motivator. I just think it's more women maturing psychologically or feeling the clock of time in general ticking.
How much input did she have on the dates. Did you agree to do certain things or did you make the decisions yourself?
~bella
IDK what to tell you. It's just really hard in general. Even for men who it shouldn't be for. It's just a matter of trying again & again & not getting discouraged. It sounds like you're getting dates, you have your life together, you have women attracted to you, you're not scared of asking women out, you get second & third dates, you know what you're looking for, etc. etc.
These women you get second & third dates....do you text them a lot?
You say you go for insecure women.....where are they in life themselves? Maybe they see a lot of confidence in you & are intimidated by that or think you'll do better w/ a girl who has a solid career & confidence like you do. Remember: women have their own insecurities too. You might have TOO MUCH going for yourself for the kind of girl you're targeting. It seems crazy to say that, but I could see that happening. I could see a girl thinking that.
Bad!I hardly text them except to set up dates. No chit chat.
Bad!
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?