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Unhappily Unmarried

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by JesseFrank, Mar 9, 2021.

  1. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    Who’s with me on this one?

    It’s not for lack of trying, but it’s reality. Too many women that I meet are either already married/dating someone else, or they see dating as something other than what the Bible says it should be...

    I’ve never gone so far as to ask for a list of health conditions from the few dates I’ve been on, but I think I’m going to start. Truly is it that difficult to find a Godly woman who doesn’t weigh 400 pounds? Not that there’s anything wrong with that...other than a substantial decrease in health caused by obesity.

    For those of you who see me as a heartless and picky person, I’ve gone out with an overweight woman before. She was a wonderful person, outside of the fact that she worked two full time jobs at a hospital and a doctors office, in addition to taking calls during the night. I couldn’t deal with only talking for maybe 30 minutes every other week.

    The flip side is going out with an attractive woman...that has no soul. I’ve dated several women that were so boring to talk to, I ended up having much better discussions with their parents twice my age. I should also mention that these women also found my questions concerning theology and politics uninteresting, and preceded to cut ties with me.

    That’s not to say I haven’t met intelligent women, because I have. Most of them are 10 years older than me, and for obvious reasons look at me like a child. I’ve asked out one particular women two different times, only to watch the blood drain out of her face as she tries not to hurt my feelings.

    I gave up trying to mask the fact that I’m extremely bitter towards single women. An obvious counter argument would be “Well maybe if you wouldn’t take things so personally then you could see beyond the fact that some people aren’t going to like you no matter how wonderful a person you are”. If that argument were to be made I would counter with “I can’t listen to someone make up an elaborate story about why they can’t have coffee on a Saturday very many times without wondering if there’s something wrong with me”.

    Going down the rabbit hole of what is wrong with ones self is like being stuck in the mud in a very small car that’s not designed to be in the mud. You know your stuck, and no one is there to pull you out. Except Jesus will sit in the car with you while you try to get out. Then an unhelpful close family member will drive by saying “Nothings wrong with you, you’ll be okay”.

    Once in a while the water eventually dries up and the car has enough traction to get moving, until it starts to rain again.

    It’s a vicious cycle of meaningless pleasantries. “Hey would you like to grab a coffee sometime?” “Oh that’s so sweet of you! But I have to watch my mom paint her nails”. Not lying a girl actually told me that. “Hey what are you doing this weekend?” “Oh I’m going furniture shopping with my parents”. “Hey will you save me a seat at the music recital?” “Oh...you can sit with the group”. Didn’t save me a seat.

    So yeah, hopefully Jesus comes back soon.
     
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  2. returntosender

    returntosender EL ROI

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    Its to late, you can't justify what you said about your fat girlfriend no matter what you say to excuse yourself. lol.:ebil:

    You have a lot of external going on and not enough internal.
    You asked for an opinion so don't take offense. We all have one.:)

    BTW, WELCOME!
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2021
  3. Miles

    Miles On Rebuilt Wings

    +3,277
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    I first misread the title of this thread as "Unhappily Married". The women who are already involved with others, the ones who have a warped idea of what dating means, the otherwise attractive yet boring women, the apparently lack of concern for health, misinterpreting friendly gestures as something more than that etc. I even nodded along a little. Then I noticed that the title is actually "Unhappily Unmarried". Do you think you'll find happiness the kind of women that you're talking about? Count your blessings.

    The dating world can be awful. No doubt about it. I understand the desire to vent about being single, but it's not as bad as being stuck in a bad relationship.

    All I can offer is a reminder that there are good ones out there. And by good ones, I mean women who are potentially compatible with you. You might want to work on toning down the bitterness, though. Not necessarily masking it, but using that energy for something more productive that legitimately helps you become less bitter. Bitterness isn't a good look on anyone.
     
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  4. ReesePiece23

    ReesePiece23 The Peanut Buttery Member.

    +4,582
    Christian
    It's a fate worse than death. It puts years on people and I just don't understand WHY they put themselves through it.

    All for the sake of "not being alone." *Shakes head*

    At least when you're single, you can do anything in the world that you want to do. All you need is willpower, good eating, and a smile from God. The entire world can be your playground.

    I'm a bit like Monty Burns - I have a spare seat, but I like to put my feet up.
     
  5. DragonFox91

    DragonFox91 Well-Known Member

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    You. are. fine: You're going on dates. That's more then I can say. Keep going on dates, keep meeting women, you'll find the one only if you keep trying. :D Be positive. Enjoy the chase. Enjoy the dates.

    You're only 22, dude!!!

    How far along are you w/ these women who make up excuses when you ask them, BTW?
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2021
  6. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    Normally it’s based upon how much rapport I perceive to have with certain women I see on a regular basis, and the fact that she and I have multiple things in common with each other.

    I’ve tried going up to random women and asking them to coffee with no luck, but it’s expected since there’s no sense of familiarity on her part, and women are extremely unlikely to go out with someone they don’t know. Some do, but we have a naughty word for those women...
     
  7. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are “trapped” in unhealthy relationships. They’re also technically engaged to these women, so there’s still time to get off the bus, but I know they won’t.

    The longest relationship I had lasted about a month. First girl who ever went out with me wanted things I could not give to her without compromising my faith. So I ended it. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I wasn’t about to let someone else suck me into a making an unwise decision.
     
  8. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    I agree. I know there are good ones out their. With wedding videography being my primary occupation, I see hundreds of wonderful women marry absolute turds. Most of these guys they’ve known for 10 years or more.

    Not sure how to work on the bitterness thing, right now acting aloof and unfriendly seems to be the best solution right now.

    People want what they can’t have, and the grass is always greener.
     
  9. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    No offense taken.

    What do you mean by not enough internal?
     
  10. DragonFox91

    DragonFox91 Well-Known Member

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    If you have rapport & things in common, I'm not sure why they're saying no. Sounds like you just have to keep trying.

    You're in a good place in life, like finances & job? Dress well? Positive attitude? Are able to lead conversations w/ them & keep things interesting while engaging w/ them? Sounds like yes to that last one.
     
  11. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +12,673
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    Non-Denom
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    If you’ve gathered that many no’s there’s something amiss with your picker and you aren’t attracting the one you want. Ideally, you should have viable prospects who’d make the cut. The buts shouldn’t be serious infractions. These should be weeded out earlier.

    Attraction is two-fold. Acknowledge the attributes you find appealing and make a note of their presence in your prospects. What are you consistently attracting and what’s eluding you? What qualities frequently appear that you didn’t name good and bad?

    That’s how you gauge your attractiveness to the opposite sex. You should have a clear idea of the kind of women you’re most likely to draw to naturally. Create a composite from that info.

    When I developed my composite I studied him and queried men with those qualities to ascertain what they desired in a companion. I know my type and consistently attract him. That doesn’t mean others won’t catch my eye. But I’m more likely to marry him than one outside the fold.

    You may notice similarities in appearance, interests, personality, etc. And you can spot her in a crowd. That’s my method. I look for fit. I’ve had strong candidates and proposals. I’ve never had a dating drought. Tweaking your process might help.

    Good luck and welcome to CF. I hope your time here is edifying.

    Yours in His Service,

    ~bella
     
  12. DragonFox91

    DragonFox91 Well-Known Member

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    It's really sad seeing so many struggle w/ this. :sob:
     
  13. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    Yes I am. That's the puzzling part.
     
  14. DragonFox91

    DragonFox91 Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately people who have their lives together are a dime a dozen, but it definitely helps & is something to have regardless.

    What do your buddies say about your struggles?
     
  15. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,819
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    I think a lady can make sure with God, about who she marries. So, in case a woman just goes her own way to decide she marries a wrong guy . . . this is not wonderful. If a woman is very charming and nice acting, but she fools herself into marrying a truly wrong guy . . . this is not wonderful. And it is possible she is also fooling herself in other ways, hurting herself and not really relating in the way which would be good for her. It is wise to make sure with God about if we marry someone. Because we have the ability to fool ourselves; and it is good to get wise to our ways of fooling our own selves > only with God it is possible to see and get rid of any foolish ways which can take us the wrong way.

    But . . . it is possible that you can find a guy to be . . . not right . . . but they can have deep connection and understanding in God's way of loving. Of course, you can be right :)

    In my case . . . in case God has blessed me with my lady companion > she can be miraculously opposite to me > doesn't like what I eat, on we could go. But she is my example of how to love and care kindly and tenderly so I am not conceited and critical like I can be. This outweighs how much we want the same things or not. And at times she may criticize herself about what society would criticize, but I stand up for her . . . to her face . . . and point out how she has helped me find out how to love the way Jesus wants. And she at times stands up to me when I really am wrong, and does not get into an argument. She can stay out of letting me control her, plus give arguing the slip :)

    So, possibly . . . see if someone is helping you to get more with God and helping you get real correction so you find out better how to love. And see if you are good for the person, like this.

    And maybe consider > you can find this out in real life . . . which might not be while dating which can be contrived and preplanned and canned.

    I trusted God that I would share with someone in her real life. Here is where there can be loving: cleaning up the dog poop, repainting the scraped car after a bumper rubber, throwing out the food that has gotten too old. And feed on prayer and God's word together so this feeds you for the practical and needed things to do.

    This is God's word >

    "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

    To me, Jesse, this means there is never any excuse for me to get bitter against my wife. This is a basic rule for God's way of loving. So, if-when anything in me even starts to turn me bitter, this is all I need to know > do not trust or go along with that feeling or thinking or way of reacting, but first pray and get into God's peace and enjoy how He makes me creative with her.

    Instead of criticizing her, encourage her with the good God is able to do with us.

    So . . . if this is how God will expect you to relate in marriage, now you can get ready to relate like this. With women you now know, you can learn how to refuse to give in to bitterness, and how to be creative, instead. But, of course, ones now might not be able to relate well with you while you obey God; but still keep being kind, not getting bitter. And this can strengthen you for a real lady in a much more involved relationship > where there can be many more items and details coming to tempt you to get bitter, but you are learning to submit to our Father so He creatively guides you what to do, how to keep loving.


    On a date, some one thing might come up to trip you into bitterness; but in marriage various items might be biting, all at once. So, we need to become able to stay calm and creative and not let things have power over us to get us bitter > "I will not be brought under the power of any," our Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12.

    Possibly, this could mean you are going mainly by how things look, and by talk.

    You might take time to get to know someone so you know why she has a problem, and why she does whatever. And do this without isolating in dating, but share with ones you know are for real Christians. See which ladies do well with your for-real people.

    But have compassion for ones who are not with it. Jesus has us loving and caring for any and all people . . . not only trying to pick and choose who we can use and try to control for what we want.

    I agree we need to take care of ourselves, and have self-control of the Holy Spirit so we eat right and have control of sexual things. But if I do not have self-control for food and pleasure items, I likely also do not have self-control to stay out of arguing and getting hurt. So, I think you can expect a Christian person to grow in the self-control of the Holy Spirit, and this will effect if the person can manage well how he or she eats, stay out of arguing, and manage oneself to not get emotionally wasted in work and in handling problems. All this comes in the self-control of the Holy Spirit in God's peace. So, don't only be critical of yourself and others, but be encouraged to seek real correction of our character, with God, and encourage others, having compassion and hope for anyone.

    If it is a fact that you are still having difficulty with bitterness, this is a weight issue, too . . . of the weight of sin. So, from our own failure we can feel for others in their sin problems >

    "He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

    And can you trust her about anything? I keep being concerned and puzzled to see and read and hear how certain people are married or close, but one does not dare talk with the other about a very important thing. One is afraid the other won't want him or her, won't love him or her, if they talk about something that is important. This means the person is with someone the person doesn't really trust. I personally, now, see that I would not even think of dating a woman I do not know well enough to trust her.

    And see if she trusts me; if she doesn't, don't push her. I now find that part of loving is I do not demand and expect that someone trusts me. I do not intimidate them to trust me; but it seems there are ones with some sort of an entitlement attitude, so they expect me to trust them, without question, even, maybe.

    But God's word says >

    "Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

    Our Father expects us to test . . . not to blindly trust. Therefore, in real loving, I think it is good to welcome each other to question and test each other. But we need to be honest in how we do this.
     
  16. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

    65
    +53
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    I very consistently attract nerdy women, which is my target demographic. I'm a wedding videographer, but I also like to make short films. So finding someone who is also interested in that field would be preferred. That is what makes things difficult.

    I'm not opposed to dating someone who already has their own career or isn't very tech savvy, but those women aren't normally interested in a guy like me. It works out because I'm normally not interested in them either.

    What bothers me more than anything is when I'm going out with someone, and they just drop off the face off the earth. I know that I'm not a perfect person, but if someone is going to lose interest I would genuinely like to know why. Everything was going well with the last girl I went out with, at least that's what I thought. Three dates later she was giving me positive feedback, and then...nothing.

    I should also mention that I don't really date for fun. I date because I'm looking for a wife. That should scare a lot of people away, and I understand that. But when a 20 year old attractive women has seemingly endless choices when it comes to men at that age, it doesn't make sense from their perspective to settle down so quickly. The real issue comes into play when they turn 30.

    Most of the weddings I film are couples in their early 30s or late 20s. The women that are marrying these men are almost always extremely attractive. The guys most of the time look like they've spent the last 10 years in their mothers basement. Out of shape, ugly, but nice men.

    My hypothesis is that when these women were 20, because their options were endless, they could date whoever they wanted. But as time goes on, their options decrease. At the end, they're left with the guys at the bottom of the barrel who they would have never considered going out with 10 years ago. Because they want to start a family, they pick a guy who for all intensive purposes will never leave them.

    I'm in the unique position of owning a small business, where I can take off whenever I want. If I wanted to ride around in a corvette I could, but it's not a wise decision. I have been told by many people that I'm very good natured, in the sense that I can get along with just about anybody.

    The real kicker for me is that I feel like I'm being punished for making good decisions. The reason I work hard is so that I can have money to provide for a family. Except I don't have a family, so I have all this extra cash laying around that I end up spending on new cameras.
     
  17. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    Most of them are already married or engaged. My younger brother is even talking to a girl now. I'm basically the third wheel at parties, and it's getting really annoying. My only single friend is broke and goes hiking all the time.
     
  18. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

    +12,673
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    That's true. I dated someone who was the perfect gentleman. He was a provider and desired to marry and have a family. He was ready to settle down. But his relationship with God troubled me. It wasn't strong. He moved away from home and hadn't plugged into the Christian community.

    He wasn't raised as a believer and went to church on his own as a teen. The right influence would be beneficial. His values and moral code leaned in that direction.

    I knew God called me to minister to the lost through my work. Choosing a companion who wasn't grounded isn't wise. He can't assist me and we won't be a united force. That's a must. I didn't accept his proposal because of the imbalance.

    If I was meant to be a stay-at-home wife as he desired it would work. We'd have the time to develop and grow without the responsibility of ministering to others. I don't want a church leader or biblical scholar. Just someone who loves the Lord.

    Sometimes the ideal isn't ideal for your circumstances. Knowing the difference is key.

    One of the most endearing qualities I value with the opposite sex is telling the truth. I respect the man who can tell me I'm wrong and show me where I can improve. I esteem them more than the rest. He wants to see me bettered and won't sugarcoat the truth to appease my ego.

    ~bella
     
  19. DragonFox91

    DragonFox91 Well-Known Member

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    I mean ask them for advice or opinions on where you're going wrong. Whether it be in conversation, or you're targeting the wrong kind of women, or ask them out too quick, whatever. They'd know that.
     
  20. JesseFrank

    JesseFrank Member

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    I do ask these questions, but it's always the same answer "Don't worry, you'll meet someone".

    Yes...I will meet someone, be it today, tomorrow, or 50 years from now I will meet someone. Whether or not they're the right someone is a completely different story.
     
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