understanding each other

[edwardfsmith]

It is a great picture
Congradulations.

 

[dayhiker]

Unn, you two look great together.

 

[singlewv2011]

Darnit the pics aren't showing up. Congrats though NU!!!!!!!

 

[NorwayUnn]

Thank you guys.

singlewv: I have changed my profile pic today, and you can see the exact same pic there now as posted in this thread.

 

[singlewv2011]

singlewv: I have changed my profile pic today, and you can see the exact same pic there now as posted in this thread.

Awwwww so cute.....

 

[blackribbon]

We all have some sort of "list" in our heads...I think it is good to be aware of your innate preferences so that maybe you might not reject someone just because they don't meet this list (or you might miss out on someone really special). Know youreself.

I also think it is valuable to have a list of "deal=breaker" which is a list of characteristics which are unacceptable to marry. This includes faith, bad habits, and core beliefs. These are the people we should NEVER date so that we don't accidentally fall in love with a person who is a bad choice or match.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sometimes people get so jaded in their thinking that it stops anyone from being attracted to them even if they were initially.

The older I get the harder it is for me to be around negative people.

We have the God of the universe on our side! He is ALL powerful and ALL knowing and He DOES have a plan for each of our lives. Maybe some of us are trying too hard to follow the wrong path, or maybe we are not trusting that God will give us the desire we seek. If we truly love God we will accept whatever fate we are to bear on this earth because after all the alternative would be paying for our sins ourselves, which none of us are capable of.

If I could have my husband back alive, that would be awesome but I know that will never happen in my lifetime on earth. Instead I have been single for the past 7 years (today actually is the day he passed). I know heartache, I know sorrow, I know grief, and I understand not getting what we think we want.

But to say that no one will be attracted to us or no one will love us. Well words are containers and they have weight and meaning and you get what you say sometimes. It's like the person that says "I'm always broke" and they are. Doesn't mean you walk around saying "I'm a millionaire" but we are to be careful with our words the Bibles says.

I heard a saying once that I will never forget. It goes like this:

If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten.

So maybe changing your thinking would be a good place to start. We should be focused on God, not on what we do or don't have, whether it be material or a human to share our lives with. Life is not fair and whoever told you that lied to you. But if we choose we can be happy regardless of our circumstances if we keep our focus on God and read and meditate on His word instead of our wants and desires.

 

[blackribbon]

I took my kids to a speak on dating and sex at church last night.

Among talking about all the consequences of sex out of wedlock (and pregnancy is the least horrible), she was very big on pointing out that "you attract what you are"....you attract people of similar character. If you have some wonderful dream guy/girl in your mind, the next thing you should consider is "why would this wonderful person want ME?" and then live you life so that you will desire this person when you do find them.

And, yes, while sexually transmitted diseases was scary when I was a kid...it is much worse now. There are about 30 different ones out there....2/3 are NOT curable....and most have absolutely zero symptoms so the people with them are just spreading them thinking they are "clean". 25% of all high schoolers who are sexually active have some STD and probably don't know it (think about this before dating a "younger" one). These diseases are worse on women...with an increased incidence of cervical cancer in very young women from all the various strains of HPV (the vaccine protects from 4 of more than 20). A person has to test "clean" for 5 years from their last sexual encounter to really be considered "clean"....and condoms don't protect from many of these diseases...(HPV is one that they do NOT work on). Many diseases are skin-to-skin and NOT fluid-to-fluid (which is all a condom can protect from).

You know...I think having a speaker like this visiting the "singles" groups at churches might be a good wake-up call for many of us "matures". I don't think we tend to worry about this thinking we are "old enough" or came out of marriages and think we "need this".

She was clear that the only safe sex is one where neither partner has ever had sex and only has sex with each other. Also, the only God approved situation for sex is within a marriage....and not "we loved each other".

As a widow, I needed to hear this...it is has been a long time since I was supposed to say "no"...and I went from having a healthy sex life to nada, almost overnight.

I know I once read an article about the high rates of STD in retirement communities in Florida.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree. Sometimes older is not wiser necessarily!

 

[blackribbon]

Edward...I don't think you read what we want very closely at all. I don't want a CEO...I want a man that works hard to provide and looks forward to coming home at night.

Do you think you have value and something to offer? If you don't realize your own value, it will be hard for those around you to see your value. God thinks you are perfect just the way He made you. If you recognize your value, it won't matter what other people think so much...(yes you will have "down" moments...but it won't be a "down" life). And instead of looking for a woman, focus on making yourself into a better person so that you have more to offer that special woman when she does walk into your life.

Like Michelle, I don't like to spend time with negative people. I try to pick them up when I can...but there are many days when I don't have the energy to carry everyone around me. It is all I can do to stand up and remind myself to be the princess of the King that I am.

And I do understand the scars of childhood (I have a few ghosts that like to follow me)...but you have the choice to hide behind them or realize that they are only a part of who you are and overcome them. We all have times when those who should love us fall short. Some have it worse than others but that doesn't mean you have to continue to live crippled. However, until you recognize your own worth and live life like you are worthy and have value, how can you expect someone else to treat you like that.

I know nothing about you but plain/ugly people get married and are love, fat/skinny people get married, extremely tall/short people get married, people with a whole variety of disabilities get married, stupid people get married....so I can't believe that you are so awful that there is no one out there who will love you.

I have a 44 year old brother. I don't think he would say he ever dated anyone and definitely never has had a girlfriend. However, as an onlooker looking in, he only has been interested in the beauty queens. He has overlooked several women who adored him and he just never noticed them. He wasn't being arrogant...he just never takes the time to "see" the various people in his life. I am not saying this is your story...but there are many quiet women who adore men who never take a moment to notice them.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I've read that story of woman who loved a guy from a far. Did some flirting, always hung out close to the guy. But he never acknowledged that they were there! They missed out on a great woman in their life.

 

[dayhiker]

I've read a number of times about the sexually transmitted diseases. I've gone to free clinics to get tested here in Boston. So the time I was there to get tested and then to get the results I only saw one other person in the two hours I was in the waiting room that was also there to get tested. So if 20-25% have an std/sti as some preachers say, I'd think there would more a lot more than the 2 of us in a free clinic to get tested.

I have one STD .. herpes 1 (cold sores) .. I know exactly when I got it too. I was getting a drink at a water fountain and my lip touched the metal. I guess I've had 10 outbreaks in 40 years. Really no big deal. Colds are more of a hassle to deal with as far as I'm concern.

I've also known some non Christians who were very sexually active. They always used a condom and said they had never caught any STD. Clearly, one brief contact can give one a STD. But from my limited experience and a few people who have been very active that I have known, there seems to be a disconnect between number I hear and experience. I've not been able to figure out why that is. Well, people can use inflated numbers to get more funding. But I've never heard of even one documented case of that.

 

[blackribbon]

This was not a preacher. Although she is a Christian, she has a version that she used in public schools across this country and Canada (the only countries she speak in that won't allow her to mention God). This was a woman that worked in a pregnancy crisis center / free clinic for years before she got sick of the number of people that came in and said "I just didn't know....".

They don't test you unless you request...and free clinics don't test you if the tests are very expensive. It cost a $1000 to test a man for HPV...no insurance covers it....and neither do free clinics. Many forms of HPV do not have genital warts...or at least where anyone can see them. Men carry it...women can die from it. Clamidia is a very common STD which is the reason many woman are now finding themselves infertile. It has no symptoms...but it damages the woman's insides without anyone knowing. Again, men carry it..women are damaged by it.

You only know if you have most STD's because you have been specifically test for them. And get tested each and every time you have sex with a different partner (or they have sex with an different partner). It can take 5 years for some diseases to test positive. Otherwise, you don't know. (Viruses are sneaky little critters.) With cancer, it is called "no evidence of disease"...but that is not the same as "cancer-free"...so this occurs in other medical areas too.

I am someone who is very skeptical when it comes to speakers. I know have a medicial background. What she is saying was true and not the least bit an exaggeration. She didn't have too...the statisics are just too awful by themselves.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with blackribbon!

Our past is our past, but there are quite a few people that have had hurrendous pasts and they chose to rise above it and be different and not let it dictate their entire existence.

When you become an adult you have choices, but the bottom line is only you control what you think, feel, and act upon.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I know there are tests they don't do for men. Of course, I have no interest in a woman who wants to have a baby .... I'm not Larry King! Plus I'm fixed!

Clearly, young people need to consider this as its a major issue. Sounds to me like its not that big of a deal for mature people.

 

[blackribbon]

HPV causes cervical cancer. Men don't have a cervix so they don't need to worry about getting cervical cancer. However, they can "get" it and CARRY it to a woman...and be the SOURCE of her cervical cancer.

Yeah, pregnancy isn't that big of a scare...but there are a lot of nasty viruses and bacteria out there that can mess with a woman's whole health since our plumbing is connected to all our other organs. So if a man doesn't care about his partners health, then yeah, he man not care that he can spread some awful diseases.

Health care experts suspect that the rate of undiagnosed STD may be greater than that of those actually diagnosed.

Oh, herpes simplex 1 (cold sores) is not considered a STD because although you can get it via sexual contact, it is usually not transmitted that way. I suspect kissing is probably the main way...or touching something contaminated with the virus and then touching your mouth or nose.

 

[dayhiker]

Yup, I know all that, tho I did think hsp1 was a STD since its always talked about in that context.

Tho I don't get the impression that the authorities are to worried about older women getting cervical cancer as they only give the vaccine to young women.

 

[edwardfsmith]

Edward...I don't think you read what we want very closely at all. I don't want a CEO...I want a man that works hard to provide and looks forward to coming home at night.

Do you think you have value and something to offer? If you don't realize your own value, it will be hard for those around you to see your value. God thinks you are perfect just the way He made you. If you recognize your value, it won't matter what other people think so much...(yes you will have "down" moments...but it won't be a "down" life). And instead of looking for a woman, focus on making yourself into a better person so that you have more to offer that special woman when she does walk into your life.

Like Michelle, I don't like to spend time with negative people. I try to pick them up when I can...but there are many days when I don't have the energy to carry everyone around me. It is all I can do to stand up and remind myself to be the princess of the King that I am.

And I do understand the scars of childhood (I have a few ghosts that like to follow me)...but you have the choice to hide behind them or realize that they are only a part of who you are and overcome them. We all have times when those who should love us fall short. Some have it worse than others but that doesn't mean you have to continue to live crippled. However, until you recognize your own worth and live life like you are worthy and have value, how can you expect someone else to treat you like that.

I know nothing about you but plain/ugly people get married and are love, fat/skinny people get married, extremely tall/short people get married, people with a whole variety of disabilities get married, stupid people get married....so I can't believe that you are so awful that there is no one out there who will love you.

I have a 44 year old brother. I don't think he would say he ever dated anyone and definitely never has had a girlfriend. However, as an onlooker looking in, he only has been interested in the beauty queens. He has overlooked several women who adored him and he just never noticed them. He wasn't being arrogant...he just never takes the time to "see" the various people in his life. I am not saying this is your story...but there are many quiet women who adore men who never take a moment to notice them.

Hey
Blackribbon, and all.
I am sorry if I misinterpreted some things. In my second post I thought I was being pretty nice and said I was over doing it a little and said you were all very understanding. I hope you can forgive me.

Yes like I said I do know I am a hard worker and faithful. I do think I have a lot of love to offer a woman. I do think I could make a woman very happy if she would let me.

Like you say I do have down moments. Right now I am feeling very down as I type this. So again please forgive me.

My focus shifts. Right now as I write this I am focused on the negative and it is getting me down. But I do go long stretches where I do focus on improving and being a better man so that when it happens I can be a good Christian husband. That was actually what I was focused on when I first posted. It is just frustrating to feel I am making good progress but then read some things and feel women desire so much more. But again that was my feeling. I take responsibility for it. Like I said I over did it a little.

And I do focus in my relationship with Christ too. Believe me I have lived long stretches where that is really all I have had as I had completely given up on the idea of being with anyone.

It is a strange time for me, because I actually have had a little hope now that a woman could love me! That is reason I am focused on the topic at all I have had faith that I am at a point where I am ready and it was possible for me!!!

You are right! It is hard for me to believe that I am so awful too! Love should be possible. I am a good kind loving person. I have many faults this is true. But I am willing to work on them and improve. I just can not work on them all at once! That is kind of what makes it frustrating when there is hope and a feeling that things can be different than they are now!

I would like to be friends with you and your brother! As a man it is easy for ones eye to gravitate towards beauty. I can understand what you describe. As I posted before though, I might not be much better, but I truly believe I do have an open mind about initial attraction and that I do keep open the possibility for love with just about anyone. I wish so much I had a sister like you and that she would point out the ones I was ignoring if there were such people in my life !!!

For me I have bad skills. Social anxiety has taken a bad toll on my life. It is easy to think of it as a minor thing. But really when you look at the effects it can have over a long period of time on a life it can be DEVISTATING! Not to be sexist, but I think especially for a guy. I am going to keep up the struggle as I have always done. Some days I vent my frustrations. Some days I despair. Most days I am working on getting better and trusting in the Lord!

 

[Javanwarbler]

What's attractive to me (which was not the case when I was younger) is a man that is not afraid to worship God and who puts God first in his life.
I can't help but feel very attracted to men like this.

Another thing that is very attractive to me is a kind spirit and a man that is willing to help others at the drop of a hat. Kindness and helpfulness are also very attractive traits to me.

Being a gentleman is another. I'm kind of old school. I don't want a man telling me what to do, or demanding I stay home rather than work, but I so wish our society was more like the 50's before WWII. People had their roles and basically were happier. Things were closed on Sunday and that was Family and church time. So I guess I like an old fashioned man in most respects as long as he's not a womanizer.

I also like a man that can do stuff spur of the moment. I'm kinda like that and I am attracted to a man that is adventuresome and will just say "lets go!" money and time permitting of course.

 

[Javanwarbler]

Edward, I can relate to some of what you say here.

Ok maybe I was a little over dramatic in my wording and exaggerated my post , but I stand by my basic feelings.

I might be wrong, but I think most of you do not have this kind of love in your lives but have had it at some point. So maybe there is a bit of a different perspective between how look at it and how I might look at it if I felt more that love or attraction was possible.
I'm someone who has never had that kind of true love and I've lately struggled thinking I never will being in my late thirties now and still having gotten no further than a 20 year old in life stages such as this. I think, well if it hasn't happened by now, it won't. I've never been married with no kids.

When I hear “we are all attracted to what we are attracted too”
To me this sounds like another way of saying survival of the fittest.
I think we all have some sort of attraction list. What's good is that it's so diverse and not one thing being defined as attractive unlike hollywood's standards (but who cares about hollywood? They have it all wrong and it's so far from what the Bible says). Don't let society define for you the truth about this topic. Go with what God says and people of wisdom, as they have posted to you here
No it is not bad I guess. Unless you are me. The unfit. The one that nobody is attracted to. Then it is a little hard to hear.
I've struggled thinking I"m the biggest freak alive and that no one could possibly live with that. Plus having such severe depression.You are not alone battling these kinds of feelings! Maybe there are more people like us out there, but we never meet them because they are hiding out and not being known and therefore people assume they don't exist. I'm hoping that with 7+ billion people, (therefore 7+ billion unique individuals) out there the odds would just have to be in our favor that there is yes, someone for us too. But yes, i"m still waiting, still haven't met them either and i'm 39.
Being that person that is the unfit for seemingly all women, and being older, I like to think I am a person that looks beyond initial attraction and gets to know the person a little more. I like to think I am more sensitive.
But if I am more evolved in this respect it is only a very little, because I am not free of it and some women are more attractive to me than others.

… I am not so sure you would not meet my standards though Cassie …


It is hard to read the things women are attracted too and feel lacking in every case!
I am a hard worker but I am average. I am faithful. I try hard.
I guess I am not the stuff women’s dreams are made of LOL
Well here's a woman who thinks she's not the stuff men's dreams are made of! But there's a lot to be said for someone who is simple, honest, and hardworking! I'm the artistic type and have been around many people like that who are complicated and chaotic and insecure. I'm attracted to traits the other person has that i dont' have. It makes for a complimentary relationship
For whom? For my future wife. The woman I want to be attracted to me!

The thread was meant to speak in general terms and show that tastes are different and that there is hope for everyone.
I am a specific person though that is looking for specific hope in my life. I am looking for someone to be attracted to me specifically!
And that is the hardest thing to find! (referring to part I bolded)I've had people mention that i make their list on paper (ie being a virgin, liking the outdoors, hiking, no kids, christian)about what I am but it says nothing about who I am that is really me specifically, that they would want. For years I've felt i'm not loveable or even likeable.
So I am probably taking things a little bit out of context. Forgive me for that.

You all do seem to understand where I am coming from though. And have some understanding of my frustration. You are all very kind.
I still have problems with this thread because of my personal experiences, but I thank you for it and the chance to speak and be a part of it.


I have a relationship with Christ and like you have talked about with God's earth and nature. This helps i agree.

You are hard on yourself like I am. I mean well and I hope you'll see yourself differently in time! People tell this to me because I have such an ugly huge low opinion of myself. And I can totally see how it's in the way of getting better, getting past this stuckness with the opposite sex and really with all people. It's really a great thing you are aware of yourself and your feelings. That's a first step. I know some people who have no clue and therefore can't express it. So take care and don't give up on finding that 'fit' for you!