I very much doubt you have ever been as in earnest as I was to obey the moral law unto righteousness
I had a mother who played the martyr. As a young teenager I i didn't perform perfect, if I got angry or cross about anything she would shake her head, give a sad smile as if to say. Whats wrong with you, why cant you live as a christian should live. That gave me guilt the like of which I doubt you would ever understand. When I reached puberty, if a fleeting impure thought came to me I was filled with stark horror and my stomach churned over. I didn't want to be cast into hell
But that's your gospel isn't it. The law must be obeyed or you in danger of the fires of hell.
At church each week they were dressed in their Sunday best, the women wore expensive hats, and after the service they gave me Godly smiles, a handshake, and an appropriate scripture verse if necessary. I wondered what i was doing in the church. I honestly believed these people must be perfect. I knew very painfully I wasn't. I assumed they lived their lives 24/7 as I saw reflected in church on Sundays.
I became heavy and crushed, and felt dirty and rotten, for I could not obey the moral law on the inside. I used to sit at home on my own wondering what was wrong with me. Why could I not live perfectly and never sin, like other christians I knew. How desperately I wanted to be perfect like I assumed they were. I had no happiness those years, no peace only guilt and depression.
I know your gospel message Jason, I lived it, and i know you cannot live up to it as neither could I.