Troubled Past Making Marriage Hard.....

[Big_Josh84]

Well, Im going through some VERY hard times right now. My wife and I love eachother with all our hearts, but there is things from my past that she has just found out about. We are a newly wed couple and im in the military, we are seperated right now and this is the hardest time of both our lifes. When we were still dating, I lied to her and promised her that I have not drank. Well, I ended up telling her that I was drinking. She was very hurt and I was very sorry. I care for her so much and I would let her know that I did. Well then like 2 months later we had a big fight, and I thought that we had broken up. I was with some friends, so we went to Mexico for the night. We went to a club and danced and I got very drunk and started to dance. I dirty danced with 1 girl, and I dont remember how I danced with 3 others. I dont remember much of what happend that weekend, other that I had a hangover for 2 days. Well, we ended up talking and getting back together, and I never told her about my crazy weekend. Well, we just got married, and due to my military obligations, we live in seperate states. She recently asked me about how I promised that I would never drink again, and I ended up telling her about that weekend. She is so heartbroken, I feel like she doesnt trust me, and she questions whether or not I have been sexually loyal to eachother. We have. I have not done anything to jeopordize that loyalty. She tells me how would I like it if she went off and got drunk and dirty danced with random guys and didnt remember what all she did. I feel sooooo bad, I want her to forgive me, She thinks God hates her and loves to see her suffer, and Im the best thing that she has and it kills her to find out this sort of stuff. I am 110% remorseful, and want things to go back to what they used to be, I dont know how to let her know how bad I feel and how sorry I am. I need HELP!!!!

 

[alexeeah]

Hey big josh first of all welcome to CF you have come to the right place. Let me share a little bit of my personal testimony with you. I was a cheater. I cheated on my husband of 6months at the time with upwards of 10 different men. When it came time to tell him, you know fess up, It was so hard to do. But in order to salvage our marriage I had to. He was in to drugs, and an alcholic, I was a druggie and a cheater too. BUt you know what ? When God moved in , really moved in adn we let Him take control of our hearts nothing that we had done to each other mattered anymore. We no longer remembered any of the bad things that we had done to each other. We helped eachother to heal and realized that it wasn't all our faults but the power of sin that we allowed to control us. Now after being through drug abuse, alcholism, adultery, pornography addiction, fornication, and bankruptcy, as well as infertility and multiple births (confusing but another Praise worthy story) our marriage is stronger than it ever has been and we can talk openly about anything. We have been married happily ever since we let God take control. My question to you is Who has control of your lives. Not just your marriage but your life. Your wife's life? You may think it is you just as I did, but When You really allow God to take complete control nothing matters but pleasing Him. When nothing matters but pleasing Him, then you will love each other without reservation, without selfishness, without worrying if you will be loved back. I wil pray that you and your wife will have the same great relationship that my husband adn I have.

blessings adn reps to you!! again welcome!

 

[bliz]

Being newly married, even if everything is going well, is hard. Marriage requres a lot of adjustments. Being seperated is hard on a marriage, especially a new marriage. So, you are dealling with both of these things at the same time!

And then there the matter of the broken promise and the lie to try and cover up the broken promise. The lie is in many ways worse than the act. You said:

She is so heartbroken, I feel like she doesnt trust me, and she questions whether or not I have been sexually loyal to eachother. We have. I have not done anything to jeopordize that loyalty. She tells me how would I like it if she went off and got drunk and dirty danced with random guys and didnt remember what all she did.

Well, you feel that she doesn't trust you because she doesn't trust you. She asks a good question: how would you feel if she had done this to you? Would you be feeling very trusting just now? My guess is that you would not only be unlikely to trust, I think you would also be very angry and feel betrayed.

She questions your sexual loyalty. It's quite logical. You made a promise to her not to drink, and your broke it. Your breaking of a promise makes her wonder how easy it will be to break the promise of sexually loyalty. You say that you have done nothing to jeopardize that loyalty. But you have! If you do not see that, it's going to be hard to work on rebuilding trust becasue you don't see how the trust has been broken.

You need to ask God for forgivness, and ask her for forgivness. Forgivness does not necessarily come quickly. And retrusting? That takes the longest. You will have to prove yourself to be trustworthy over and over again. Once or twice is not gong to cut it.

If at all possible, it owuld be great if you could both speakk with a Christian counselor, but if distance does not make that possible, you need to go see a Christian counselor on your own and talk through these matters, and learn more about what it takes to build a Christian marriage.

I have seen marriages far more broken that yours not only be healed, but in God's grace, be totally restored. It's going to take some work on your part, especially you are gong to need to be totally honest with her. You screwed up. No doubt about it, but God is capable and willing to repair this screw-up if you are willing to let hiim work in your life.

 

[TheMainException]

As humans, we often dwell on the past, most likely both of you will do this...and actually it isn't wholly bad...if we forget the past, we are likely to make the same mistake again...so remember it, but try not to dwell on it too much...what has happened has happened, now look to the future and don't do it again...don't hurt her again....I know that my promise to the person I love most on earth (he's like a father to me, I love him to death) not to cut myself was made and I slipped up once, but after feeling so guilty after telling him, I knew that if I did it again, things would never be the same, so from then on, I haven't cut myself...I think that the same goes for anything bad...keep striving to obey her, love her, and maybe you could try writing her a letter about how sorry you are...that might work too...I'll be praying Big_Josh.