Torn, Stressed,

[Sarah2BH]

My fiance and I have dated for 2 years and have known that we were going to marry each other for one of them. My parents are not supportive of the decision. I felt for a long time that their discontentment with our relationship was due to the fact that they wanted to be involved in a more old-fashioned conservative courtship and we ended up doing more of a "dating with a purpose" type thing, mainly due to our state of long-distance.

However, I recently came to find out that there are things that my parents are truly worried about concerning his character and that what I was taking as resentment, bitterness and anger has actually been concernment and "urgency".

Now, I can see how they would feel as they do, but I also feel that I know him way better than they do. I now regret my poor communication skills with them throughout this relationship and I feel like if I had done better, they would see him in the light that I do. I also feel that at this point it is doubtful that they will see him as I do unless they actually see us in a successful marriage.

I realize that there is wisdom in having many counselors, but I am torn. Everyone on my side of the family pressures me to follow my parents' advice. Everyone on his side of the family says that it's my choice and that they will come around. Both sides are Christian. But now I reach out to you guys as my unbiased advisers.

As for me, I love him very much and I know he loves me. We have strengthened each other through God and we work well together. He has become my best friend. I do not want to break up with him, but I do not want to wait for my parents to come around if they ever will. My relationship with them was never that great, I regret, and it has only caused stress on my relationship with him. I don't know what to do.

 

[Cre8iveMom]

It truly seems like you were writing about my life! I went through something very similar 7 1/2 years ago. My parents would have liked to have even picked out my husband for me. They did not like that my boyfriend didn't talk to them much (he doesn't talk to anyone much). They wanted him to ask permission before proposing. They wanted to be involved even in when we decided to have the ceremony. My mom even told me she was worried that I was settling because he was the only boy I had ever dated! It seemed like every choice I made was the wrong one in their eyes.
I was in love... with my best friend! I wished they could see him like I could!
Looking back they had many valid points. ie: He was not talkative to anyone but me, he was still in college, did not have a plan as to what he wanted to do for a career. But they were way too strict. ie: They did not really want us alone at all, and when we were together they told me I had to be on my way home at 7 pm. (Maybe this doesn't sound so bad, but I was 26 at the time!) So I tended not to listen too much.
I come from a broken home, and my step-dad (who I am referring to here as dad) and I did not always get along very well to begin with. I made sure I was very forthcoming to my boyfriend. Many times I thought I was going to scare him away with all the stuff about my family I was telling him! But he not only stayed with me, but helped me through so much! That convinced me more and more that this was the man God intended to be with me.
When my husband and I were married around 3 years, my dad finally told me he was happy for me that I was so happy in my marriage. It was unexpected, but made me so glad! My DH now has a good and growing relationship with my parents! We are still going strong, we now have 3 beautiful children and I am still married to my very best friend!
It may not seem like your family will ever come around, but if you really know that this is who the Lord wants you to be with, they will. It might take a few years but they will! Just make sure that you pray earnestly about it, try to set your parents minds at ease that you two have a plan, and don't forget the pre-marriage counselling! May God bless you both as you face this tough journey. Hopefully it will bring you closer together!

 

[Cre8iveMom]

Oh, I should have added that my husband and I stared dating in Aug., were engaged in Dec., and married the following June! Some say it was quick, for us it was just right!

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you so much for your encouraging story! It seems like this happens a lot. I have made many contacts with women who have gone through similar and I have not found one that has turned out badly. I'm just... how to explain it? I love my parents and I feel like somehow this is not fair for them!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I am split on this. One side of me says sometimes get over protective about their children and the seeds they plant in your head will turn you against yourself then who your with.

BUT...at the same time my parents told me every single time I was with the last three woman that I shouldn't be with them. They just felt off about my ex-gf/fiance. But I ignored them each time and all three times I got serisously hurt by these woman! Now I listen to them because they, more so my dad, really seems to sense if the person I am with should be with me or not.

I am glad my dad has this sense because the woman I am with now is amazing and looking back at the other woman all I can say is "Wow!! What was I thinking? I must have been blind!". Which may be the case since we tend to think every person we are with is the one as soon as they make us feel happy.

I'd take a step back from who you are with and analyize the relationship. Take in account what everyone is saying. Does this guy truly make you happy? DO you see yourself with him when your older? Then start paying attention to your feelings. Have you ever had doubts in your head about him? Maybe little feelings of "What if?". Its important to pay attention to what we are feeling and ignore the "happy" feeling because often it makes is ignore any possible issues.

Remember, marriage is forever. Theres no redos or take backs. Well I mean some believe in divorce, but in my book I will not marry unless I am 100% sure about who I am with. Maybe ask your parents what it is they see that is wrong with him. If you notice they are right then its best to let him go. If its meant to bed God would make it work out easy.

I say that too because they last three woman I was with it felt like everything kept getting in our way at times. Like God was putting up road blocks and we kept going around them. With my wife to be though, there has not been a single roadblock! Mind you she lives literally on the other side of the planet, so you would expect some road blocks. And yet the road has been blessed every step of the way! Praise God for that!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Thank you so much for your encouraging story! It seems like this happens a lot. I have made many contacts with women who have gone through similar and I have not found one that has turned out badly. I'm just... how to explain it? I love my parents and I feel like somehow this is not fair for them!

I've known plenty of folks who had their parents advise against being with or marrying somebody and had it turn out quite badly. Sometimes the parents were there to help pick up the pieces, sometimes they were saying "you should have listened."

Regardless of if these things end well or not, that's their story and not yours and you shouldn't see others luck/success, whatever as a sign that you'll do well also.

Honestly, a flag I saw in your post? You said nothing, at all, negative about your boyfriend. Your parents have such reservations about him that it's hurting your relationship with them, but even those are written off by saying that "you know him better" then they do. Sometimes it's that "knowing him better" that lands you in trouble because you can't see the forest for the trees. I'd think very, very carefully about going to the next level, especially if it means sacrificing aspects of your relationship with your parents. And, honestly, at 22 (and I know you'll hate hearing this), there really is no rush. You're both in a time of your life where you'll be going through a lot and time is on your side.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you for the posts!

Just to clarify: I do believe that my fiance is the one for me. My question and reason for posting is should I go ahead with our plans or literally take a break until mom and dad come around? I tried to not say anything negative about either "side"... my fiance or my parents.

 

[Tangled24]

Go ahead and marry your fiance! You can not base your life off of what your parents think (specially if it is not something truly legitimate). My family has yet to like my husband and his family has yet to like me. We are going on 4 years of wonderful marriage despite that!

His family does not like me because I am not from a spanish speaking background. My family doesnt like him...well to be honest I am not sure why they dont like him. They just never have. Of course they have never liked anyone I was with. So go figure.

If you know he is the one and you love each other and you are ready then go right ahead. Maybe after you are married your parents will come around. Maybe they won't, but you should not have to put your life on hold because of their likes and dislikes

I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you, Tangled24

 

[SilkRainn]

I read this and wish I knew more about how your parents feel.

1. What concerns do your parents have about him?

2. What caused them to have those concerns?

3. Are the concerns valid?

 

[iambren]

You are 22 years old(an adult).

You've spent 2 years with this man.

I think that's enough to make a decision, YOUR decision.

Proceed, your decision, YOU'LL have to live with him.

 

[Sarah2BH]

I read this and wish I knew more about how your parents feel.

1. What concerns do your parents have about him?

2. What caused them to have those concerns?

3. Are the concerns valid?

So basically use my own judgment? My Q was whether it is wrong to not heed them even though I disagree with them.

 

[Cre8iveMom]

I guess you need to figure out for yourself what is the difference between "honoring" and obeying.
Exodus 20:12
"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee."
Is this passage talking about always obeying and doing what your parents say you should do?
It is something that I have struggled with in the past as well. Especially when my parents would tell me that honoring is obeying.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you, Cre8tiveMom!!
I did learn that lesson two years ago right before I met my now-fiance. I guess I had forgotten amongst all this stress and the finality of the decision-making.

Honoring them would be to have counseling with their pastor as they wish, but still going ahead with the plans as I see should be done.

 

[iambren]

What don't they LIKE about him??

At this point in life parents take on an advisory role not a controlling role. They may have good reasons but you do not dishonor them to make up your own mind. Do you hold back your reasons from us because you fear that we will agree with your parents?

 

[Sarah2BH]

What don't they LIKE about him??

At this point in life parents take on an advisory role not a controlling role. They may have good reasons but you do not dishonor them to make up your own mind. Do you hold back your reasons from us because you fear that we will agree with your parents?

I was bad and posted this question in a second category.
http://www.christianforums.com/t7690465/
You can get your answer there and let me know what you think! Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore your question!

 

[LinkH]

My understanding is this, you are under the authority of your parents, particularly your father, until you wed. Then you are under your husbands' authority.

There are two ways you can go about this. You could get married over their objections, or your boyfriend could seek to win their approval. Which of these two approaches would be most pleasing to God.

God commanded the Israelites not to eat unclean food. Daniel and his companions did not want to eat defiled food, whether it was an issue of kosher laws or idolatry, I'm not sure. But they didn't want to eat it.

They could have 'stood up to' the man the king had appointed over them, knock the food off the table, and say they refused to eat it because God commanded them not to. But rather than taking a rebellious attitude, they humbly got permission from the man in charge of them to let them be tested to see if they ate only vegetables. They passed the test, and were able to eat clean food and still obey the man in authority over them.

If the Lord wants you two to marry, He can work it out for you.

When my wife called her father and mentioned her desire to marry me, he did not like the idea at first, since I was a foreigner-- a westerner, but she was able to persuade him, and he came around. He gave her away to me in marriage.

 

[Sarah2BH]

LinkH, where are those verses found? Thanks!

 

[LinkH]

Here are some verses about a father's role in his daughter's wedding from the Old Testament:

Exodus 22:16-17
16 “If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. 17 If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins.

Notice the decision to let the girl marry is the father's.

In the Bible, grooms married, and father's gave in marriage--that is they gave their daughters in marriage. This idea shows up in the New Testament.



Matthew 24
38 For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39 and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. (NIV)

And quite possibly this passage

I Corinthians 7:38
38 So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better.


The story about Daniel and his companions and their diet is found in the first chapter of that book. Just start with verse 1 and keep on reading.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you!