Torn, Stressed,

[iambren]

Or if the marriage goes south they will become great sounding boards with tons of affirmation to dump the guy!

 

[Niffer]

If you marry, I have a big word of advice. Do not use your parents as sounding boards for any issues in your marriage. Since they are already hesitant, hearing you state any fault your hubby has will just reinforce what they already felt and it may make family restoration impossible. If you do not mention hubby's faults and only show your happiness, then they will likely eventually come around.

Or if the marriage goes south they will become great sounding boards with tons of affirmation to dump the guy!

I think it depends on the type of parents you have.
My parents have always been wonderful with advice and I have never gone wrong listening to them; they warned me about my ex, and about moving to edmonton - and while I did learn from those experiences, I feel like I could have done without them.

I think it's bad advice to only show your "happy happy joy joy" over your spouse. What if the OP gets into a situation with her hubby that she needs legitimate advice over, but feels she can't confide in trusted parents because 'they might think less of him?'

I never feel it's right to tear down your spouse, in front of anyone! But you need to be able to be honest.
Marriage isn't all joy, I can tell you that.

Just remember that he won't change. You can't change your husband, and all those traits that are 'annoying' now, and going to be insufferable later.
The time for giving his character the third degree is NOW before marriage; afterwards, if you're against divorce, well...you gotta lie in the bed you made.

Choose carefully darlin', and if your parents are known for having/giving good advice, really find why they don't like your fiance.

Peace,
- Jenny

 

[Sarah2BH]

My fiance and I sat down with my parents' pastor today. Mom said that if he gave the ok, then they'd be at peace enough to give their blessing. Well, pastor pretty much gave us a four-point counseling session, telling us that we are adults and that he is there for us to help us get off to a good start. He said that he feels all the "bitterness" from my parents is simply them hurting and wanting to be included in a wedding ceremony of sorts. He advised me to go home and talk with mom, be humble, and do anything possible to let them feel invited and welcome to be a part.

Well, when I got home mom asked what he talked about. I told her, and let her know that I did want them to be a part but that I had felt that they didn't want to be. She chastised me for assuming, and said that Pastor is all wrong and that he shouldn't have shown such support. She said that she does want to be a part in a ceremony, but won't be as long as I am marrying my fiance. It escalated a bit, and when I finally went to walk away, she said "you still haven't given me a time/place (to feel "invited")". I told her she didn't care (about the wedding) so why would I? She said "I am trying to save your life so don't you dare tell me I don't care".

 

[LinkH]

It escalated a bit, and when I finally went to walk away, she said "you still haven't given me a time/place (to feel "invited")". I told her she didn't care (about the wedding) so why would I? She said "I am trying to save your life so don't you dare tell me I don't care".

She may have been showing a sign of being willing to go along with it here, which you shut down. You should have talked with her about a time and place. If you asked for her input on it, and gave you suggestions, she would sort of be agreeing to the marriage, or moving in that direction.

IMO, one approach your boyfriend might take is to talk to your parents about her disagreement over the issue and tell her he still wants to marry you, but he is waiting for her blessing, so he doesn't want to make any plans now. Your parents may feel he respects them and appreciate that. They may also see it as his loving you enough to wait on their approval to marry you so your life and your relationship with them will be better down the road. (He can even talk about that to them.) The downside is waiting on their approval, which is only good and proper. If you two have kept your physical relationship pure, he can also point that out to them. Then the two of you can pray, fast, and seek God to work in the situation, rather than strong-arming them to make them go along with you. If your parents grew up in church, they have probably heard of Jacob loving Rachel enough to wait 7 years for her.

You mentioned your parents. Your father is in the picture, right? What does he say about all this? Maybe your boyfriend should be working on getting his approval.

In the Old Testament, giving the daughter away in marriage was the father's responsibility, and the New Testament seems to indicate that this is the father's responsibility in New Testament times. In probably most traditional cultures it is, at least of them. If your mother is kind of dominant in the household, this should definitely be a time when your father steps forward and takes a leadership role. But you should submit to his leadership. Especially, if he is a believer, you really need to listen him on this.

In some cases, getting married is a matter of the potential groom winning the parents over. If they agree to it and bless it, that is sowing something a lot better for your future marriage relationship and for your relationship with any future children than if you marry against their wishes. Honoring parents carries with it a promise of long life, which is a good thing. But you also reap what you sow. My kids are still relatively small, but having children sure changed how I view engagement and marriage, and it may well change your thinking, too, down the road.

In the short-term, if your parents are on-board with your wedding and marriage it makes family reunions a whole lot easier-- if not for you, then for your husband. You wouldn't want him to feel like an unwelcomed guest at family gatherings who broke and entered to get into your family. You wouldn't want to have to make a choice between being around your parents and being around him. You wouldn't want a bitter parent to say things to drive a wedge between you later on.

I know it is tough, but be patient. Sow honoring your parents. For your boyfriend, he needs to sow a respect for your father's authority so he can reap it later on. How do you want your kids to treat you later on?

 

[Sarah2BH]

I do wish my dad would step up. I have hardly heard a peep out of him in these last two years, other than "what your mom just said sounds good" and "you need to open up and talk with your mom".

Not sweeping any of the other things you mentioned under the rug, just... wanted to comment on this one thing.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Just thinking about how we have come to this place to begin with. In the beginning we both were very willing to wait for them. I think we have lost respect for them as time has worn on. My mom says "just because we didn't do what you wanted, you have rebelled", but I don't feel that is the case at all. I have truly lost respect for them because of the things they have done/said, showing me their inconsistencies, hypocrisies, etc. But I think that the feelings are matched. I think they have lost respect for us and that I've been saying "just because we didn't do what you wanted..." right back at them.

 

[LinkH]

But I think that the feelings are matched. I think they have lost respect for us and that I've been saying "just because we didn't do what you wanted..." right back at them.

A difference is that they are your parents and you are their daughter.

Your parents are frail human beings, and over time, you'll be able to see that more and more. That's one of the things that tempts teens to rebel is when they realize not everything their parents say is true. Little kids often don't question their parents. But when their brains mature a little, realizing mom and dad aren't always right is hard for them. When you grow up and deal with a new phase of life, like finding a mate, you can run into the same thing all over again.

The thing you ought to ask is how the Lord wants you to approach your parents and deal with the situation.

If I were you, I'd try to appeal to my dad as the leader and as my caretaker with my best interests at heart without driving a wedge between him and mom. Get his own opinion of your boyfriend. Ask him what he would need to see to accept the man as a son-in-law. Ask him if he sees any red flags. Be willing to listen. They may see some things about him that you can't, even though you know him better. They may know some things about human behavior they have learned from experience. It could be that your mom is turned off by him because she is repelled by a male-led relationship. You could discuss this with your dad, but you'd have to be careful about it so as not to be insulting.

In the case of my wife and myself, we believed the Lord was showing us that we should be together. Her dad had not met me, and when she mentioned marrying a foreigner to him, he was opposed to the idea because he did not want me to divorce her. Now, 13 years later, we are still married. He had a son divorce and a daughter who had some other marriage-related problems. But we are still together. My wife was able to talk him into the idea. We had met lots of relatives in the city we lived in.

We also had some opposition from uncles, including the head of one of the families in their tradition. So it was a bit of a mess. But we believed it was from the Lord, and it did work out so that we were married and the family accepted us in the end. We could go visit the uncle who opposed us (not our wedding but the date and the way we wanted to do it)

Just like everything else, this is an area of your life where you have to walk out your faith. What does God's word say? Do that. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths--just like the Proverb says. Pray about the wedding. If it's the Lord's will, He can work it out where you can marry in a right and honorable way. I believe that involves parental approval (or at least your father's approval.) I think you both have faith and persistence you can get through this.

Be open, though. What would you do if the Lord wanted you to give up the relationship? Would you be willing to lay it down? If you are married, you can look in the Bible and see God hates divorce. But if you are dating, you need to be willing to give it up if the Lord wants you to and lets you know that. Abraham gave up Isaac before he got him back again. In your heart, you need to be surrendering to the will of God, and so should your boyfriend.

 

[iambren]

I've followed/commented on most of this thread but....


Your father--I would FORCE him (probably when mom's not around) to give a thumbs up/down on your plans to marry. Deferring to mom doesn't cut it.


Your mother--Bit of a control problem, maybe a resistance to letting you go to become an adult woman on your own.
Heaven's Pete! What practical objections DOES SHE HAVE!

 

[LinkH]

If you think your Dad would approve of the guy if it were not for your mother, maybe you could watch that episode of Little House on the Praire where Nells Olsen overrules Harriot Olsen, who was a shrew of a wife, over his daughter, Nellie, marrying Percival.

The problem with the scene is the mother is against it because he's Jewish. If it's an ethnic thing, that's a problem. But apparently, Nellie is marrying an unbeliever, so Nells shouldn't have supported that.

Otherwise, it was a good scene because Harriet was just so controlling and obnoxious and it was good to see Nells step up and make a decision, and silence her. I'm not implying anything about your Mom, but maybe the scene would inspire your dad to take a more active role. I think the episode was on YouTube a while back, or maybe that scene. I think that's where I saw it recently. Here's the scene from the episode. I just found it. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQq0ymewvHU>

 

[iambren]

Really sweet! Let's hear it for tall women...hip-hip-horray!

 

[JCLover779]

Completely misread #2. I don't have any close friends, no. I just recently started reaching out to acquaintances for support/advice. I get a lot of mixed answers/feelings.

I feel like he does his best to respect my parents despite the stress that their relationship with us has caused. He has never ceased to reach out to them, attempt to communicate, etc. He has felt like calling them names at times, but always catches himself or apologizes to me.

The fact that you don't have any close friends right now concerns me. That is what happened to me and I made decisions that I should not have made. I think you should wait a while for marriage until you have time to get more input...especially if you are getting mixed answers/feelings from acquaintances. Have any of them had a chance to see you two together, or are they just responding to the stories as you tell them? (I only have one friend in real life who knows my story, and no one else could really ever offer me advice because of the intricacies involved...ie an acquaintance could only respond to the surface issues that I brought up.)

From your other posts, I get why you are having a problem with sorting out your parent's concerns and how much weight to put on them. I also didn't go to my parents (never have), so that left me with no one to talk with. I firmly believe that if I had had friends to talk with, I would not be where I am today. (My parents actually adore my husband and always have, so that is not the issue for me.) You are in the same place that I was...you don't feel you can trust your parent's input, but you also have no friends to discuss this with.

It does sound like you need to sort out the control issues. That he "corrects" his mom is a huge red flag. You seem to do well with it now, even think it is cute (and funny), but I wonder if it will become a major issue for you in the future. Please take time to consider this before you marry. Having friends who can see you two together, over varied time and circumstances, should help a lot with this.

 

[LinkH]

It does sound like you need to sort out the control issues. That he "corrects" his mom is a huge red flag. You seem to do well with it now, even think it is cute (and funny), but I wonder if it will become a major issue for you in the future.

Is the 'correcting' done in a way that honors his mother? If a man isn't good and respectful to his mother, how will he treat his wife. If a daughter is not good and respectful to her father, how will she treat her husband. Especially if we are talking about intact families here where the children grew up in the parents' home.

 

[Sarah2BH]

I have an update for y'all!

I talked with my dad and, long story short, he believes that I am an adult and I have obviously chosen my future husband. He and mom want to give their blessing and be a part of a proper wedding. We have decided to postpone the wedding and will sit down with mom and dad this weekend to make the first of our plans.

Now. My fiance had no problem postponing for them. I cried. I fear that this is just another way of them buying more time to convince me not to marry him. I fear that at our meeting they will lay out all these impossible stipulations to "earn" their blessing. My fiance tells me that if this is true, we can always just get married, but he is willing to compromise as long as we actually set a wedding date and work toward a goal. Neither of us want this to slip back into the "zero-progress just hoping that the other changes their mind some day". Does that make sense? WE NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!

 

[Sarah2BH]

I don't mean to downsize my joy over this miraculous progress we have suddenly come upon! Thank you, Lord!!! My daddy finally stood up and is making things happen! I am just fighting fear and doubt that it will last.

 

[iambren]

"We have decided to postpone the wedding "


Who is "WE"? This is YOUR (boyfriend+you) decision. I'm sorry but sometimes I feel like there IS some game-playing going on here. You dependence on your parents makes me nervous; like you need to make distance, grow up, and THEN make grown up decisions.......for yourself.

At age 22 parents should be in an advisory mode, not managing your decisions for your future.


PS I still have not heard about his faults or a basis for concern. Eh?

 

[Sarah2BH]

We is my fiance and I. Yes, we are doing it for them (parents), and yes I fear a power play. But it will not settle well with me if I don't know that I did everything possible.

Since I am already packed in prep for the move that was going to take place tomorrow, I am thinking of taking my grandma up on the offer to move in with her. It will do me good.

 

[Luther073082]

Postpone. . . by how long?

 

[Sarah2BH]

We (me, FH, mom, dad) are meeting on Sunday to discuss how long, etc.

 

[Luther073082]

We (me, FH, mom, dad) are meeting on Sunday to discuss how long, etc.

And why they want you to postpone this?

Typically an engagement would last around a year anyways for planning the wedding.

 

[Sarah2BH]

We have been engaged since Thanksgiving 2011.

My parents want to play a part in an actual wedding and help plan it, etc. At least, that is what they have told us. That they are hurt by not being included in a wedding. But they declined our invitation to be present at the ceremony. So I am confused.

I, myself, do not care to have a huge "wedding". I have never been enthused over dresses, formality, etc.